Okay, okay, I know I promised trip stuff, but not right now.

I went out for a walk and realized something very important that's listed here. I wish I had brought my notebook, because I would have sat down on the curb under a streetlight, even in the sub-zero wind chill, to write this down as it was coming. Unfortunately, you have to get it second hand. I cant remember it all.

Okay. I've been very worried about myself lately for the sole reason I haven't felt anything emotionally. Now, some people live this way but I don't. And after seperating from Tony for the third time, for me to feel nothing? Not to have cried? Should be impossible. But I've felt nearly nothing. I've not been depressed, or sad, or anything and it made me worry. Can I really love him, I thoguht, if I feel nothing at this departure? Scary answer is: yes.

There are many reasons I've come to see as possibilities for my feeling so little.

1) I'm home. Sounds stupid, but its true. Back at Platts, I was in an alien place with positively no one who really cared. Now, I'm back where its all familiar, I have my family and my dog and my friends.

2) I've been busy. I've had lots of things to do (even though it still feels like an elongated weekend) and it keeps my mind occupied.

3) I'm sick. Being sick tends to ward off all emotions other than self-pity.

4) One of the truer reasons, and possibly the most horrible. Most of the visit doesn't seem real. Oh, I know all of it happened, and I loved all of it, but it was in a place I wasn't familiar with populated mostly by people I wasn't familiar with. I wasn't there long enough for it to feel real at all.  If I had been there a month or so, and formed real attachments to the people and the place, I'd feel more. But now....it feels like a nice daydream. Its not real. And I know that sounds positively horrible, but most things in the world are like that to me. Its not real because it doesn't still exist. I'm not in that house anymore. I can't look at the places we've lounged or made out and feel sad. Its all gone. The only things I have are a few presents (the blanket evoking a lot since we layed under it a lot) and memories that are all in my head because nothing is around to evoke them.

All those reasons are, in their own way, true. But there's another one, something I didn't realize until today. I'm not depressed or sad because I'm angry. Why? Good question. Many, many answers to it. I'm angry at Tony and just as much at myself. Why? Because we accept this without question.

We bitch and moan about how much we wish we were together, but thats all we do - wish. We do the visit-thing, and we say how its not enough, but what are we doing contrary? We have this deal, you see. He spends a year or a year and a half in NY until I finish up at the community college, then I finish off at a 4 year college of our choice.

Well, I know what I've been doing. I'm researching apartments, looking into schools for him, all that. But I'm sick of it. Every time I talk to him about coming to NY, its like pulling teeth. I get vague, unenthusiastic responses. I understand he doesn't want to come, but really. I'm doing everything it seems. Oh, I know - well, I hope - he's researching his own colleges because I've left him to it. I've asked and asked and asked about info from Doane. I've been bugging him for two months and I haven't gotten shit. So I give up. He can research his own damn colleges and I'll get the real rep for him.  I feel like I'm trying to push him too far, into something he doesn't want. Well, if he doesn't want it, I wish he'd fucking tell me already. I really do.

I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that we accept the seperation now without a whimper, that we've both fallen into our lives again with barely a pause. I'm angry that I seem to be doing everything to promote being together full-time. I'm angry I'm letting myself do everything. And I'm angry that I feel this way.

And now that I know I'm angry....I'm not so angry anymore.

--Hell's Angel. (Yes, new alias. Will be explained.)

PS - kinda odd now. A few hours after I wrote all this, lying in bed, all the anger went away and I missed him badly enough to make up for all the days :P