August 14, 1998
So, how do I go about this, hmm? I've tried, many times over, to write a journal and to stick to it loyally. I can't. This project will probably end in about two weeks - if not two days. If nothing else, I want to teach myself patience enough to sit down and write about what I'm feeling, what I'm doing. Perhaps it'll help me understand why I feel the need to be who I am.
How do I begin? I have no idea. I feel stupid starting by describing me life. "I'm born, I live..." Its stupid. I could describe my life right now, but it would probably depress me. What the hell. I'm 17 years old, and a freshman at Suny Plattsburgh. Currently, my courses suck, but thats because I have no interest in any of them. Next semester, I hope to take something that intruiges me, like Costume Design. I have this thing for making clothes for people who aren't me. My friends here are pretty cool. There's Resnick, who came up here with me from Long Island. Once here, I met Matt. He's cool. We met 'cause he's in my class and we started working together in the library. We bonded when we tried to go downstairs and he opened the emergency exit by accident and we ran for our lives when the alarm sounded. We solidified a friendship because I can talk about my boyfriend freely around him - cause he talks about his girlfriend a lot. He's the only one who doesn't roll his eyes when I mention the word "Tony." Then there's Phil, Matt's roomate. Phil and Res seem to get along better together than I do with either of them. Go figure. There's Karen, my new roomate. I had a roomate named Anne when the year started, but by the end of the first two days, I was ready to throw her out of my nineth story window. Karen and I met in class, got along, we're rooming together. The last bit of the bunch is her boyfriend Andrew. I don't know him that well. His sense of humor is somewhat limited - the only times I've seen him smile is when describing his computer, or the torturing of small animals. Don't ask me why Karen goes out with him.
I mentioned a boyfriend, didn't I? Yep, Tony's been in my life for almost a year now. He's a major part of my lifeblood. Its hard to think of what to say, its all in things that don't have words. The only thing that comes close is "I love him."
Things are getting a bit hard for us, though. At least on my end. It's been an internet relationship the whole year, but now that we've both started college its worse. In the beginning of September, it was horrible for me. When we were in HS, it was kinda easy to think like "Well, if he hasn't found anyone where he lives, I'm safe..." because that was the way I was. Now, he's at college with new people, and new girls, and it freaks the hell out of me. Basically because he's a quiet person, and the only time I hear about any friends is if I hear them in the background on the phone, or one of his friends talks to me online. Jealousy, for one reason or another, has usually been a part of my life, but being unsure is something I wasn't used to, and it depressed me royally, especially when he didn't seem to see it. Things are a bit better now. Love and trust go hand in hand. I do trust him, much as I truley dislike the situation.
I have, while writing this, realized my one true problem with the relationship. Its something I despise others for. My friend Rob told me of a saying: "Something to everyone, but never everything to someone." and I realized the problem with that saying a long time ago. Being EVERYTHING to someone is dangerous. Being the most important thing in someone's life is the best feeling in the world. Makes you smile to know that someone holds you higher than anything. But being the ONLY important thing in someone's life is dangerous. Right now....I hate my classes, my friends and I seem to be going in different ways, and I have NO clue what I want to do with my life. Right now, he IS the only important thing, and it totally changed the way I viewed things. Made me clingy. But now that I've realized that, I can fix it. I feel a hell of a lot better knowing what my problem is.
So now I have to find something to throw myself into, other than the Saranac River. For awhile, I had an art project (for Tony - it figures) that took up much of my time, but that's been finished and I've been drifting ever since. I've always believed that its good to know a person's strengths and weaknesses, and not be modest. Admit where you suck, but admit where you excell, too. My problem is, a lot of things come easily. I whip up B quality essays while web surfing. My artwork is usually a bit more than reasonable. My writing - well, so my English teacher said - is excellent. My poems (click if you want to read them) aren't bad. I don't have to STRIVE for anything. And because these things come easily, I never want to do what is hard. I lack the patience to do anything for too long.
So where am I now? Camped out at the crossroads. There are SO MANY ways to go and I'm SO afraid of taking the wrong path. I could teach. I could design costumes. I could try and write for a living. Hell, I was even looking into psychology for awhile. Right now, I'm looking into languages. I'm trying to find a way to make money using the internet, cause I'm a broke student. I need SOMETHING. I'm thinking of throwing myself into my art right now. I would try that with my poems, but, first of all, poems just come to me, I can't work at them. Secondly, they all re-enforce the Tony-thing. They're ALL sentimental, mush, etc, and they all seem to be about or to him, and I'm trying to get away from that a bit.
I'm not sure what else to say. Anything else and I won't have anything to talk about every again. So, anything else I think of today will be put in tomorrow's journal entry.