What am I doing? Its 5:30 in the morning. I should be asleep. Sleep. How can I sleep? My boyfriend is waiting in Vermont to board a plane that will take him a thousand miles away - seperating us for more than two months. Given that....I'm sorry I rushed the last kiss cause the ferry was leaving. I'm so sorry I had to shout the words, "I love you too!" as I ran back there. Would it have killed me to take the next ferry and hold him til his taxi came? The little things, the little things....They say its the little things that show love or whatnot. I only hope my actions are the cause of lack of sleep.

I did watch him, though. I stood on the cold dck and watched him on the shore and my whole body ached. It was dark and he was wearing dark clothes. I could only tell it was him by the package he carried., The gift I gave him, the picture and poem wrapped in light-colored paper. My anniversary gift to him. I watched him get in the taxi, and I tried so hard not to cry. Maybe I should have let myself.

Oh, God, I miss him already.

Anniversary gift. Anniversary. Sounds so jovial and nice when you say it like that. But its odd at my age. I'm 17, I'll be 18 soon. Since I was 16, I've been with Tony. One year - twelve months - of my life spent on one guy. Wasted, hardly. But spent, yes.

I know I don't have a normal love life. Sometimes - alright, most of the time - I want one. I used to hide behind net relationships, scared to get into a real one. But I want a real one. I want to be able to accidentally bump into my boyfriend. Make a lunch date on the spur of the moment, study together, I don't know. I don't like cramming 2 months of lonliness into 4 days. But to have things normal, I'd have to give up Tony. I don't think so.

Are things getting more serious with us?Heading into that forever-land I was questioning? I think so. Things always get more seroius when we meet RL. This weekend we actually discussed the forbidden M-word. Marriage. Vaguely, but it was discussed. He asked me if I'd ever thought about it - us getting married. I said a couple of times. He dropped the subject after that, for awhile. While we were lying on my bed, watching a movie that night, he asked me if I was curious why he brought it up at all. I answered truthfully that I was kinda wondering.. Now, I had called the taxi in VT to pick him up at the airport, but he had to call again to change arrangements. Lou - the taxi driver - referred to me as Tony's wife - and Tony didn't correct him. He said he questioned himself a lot about that. I think he was more curious at himself than disturbed or anything, but it made me kinda happy. We both agreed that, more than likely, it would happen someday.

Its amazing....people are more comfortable saying 'forever' than 'marriage.' Whats amazing is that forever is FOREVER, but marriage is til death or divorce. Why is that? I wish I had an answer.

Someone asked me once if I'd marry Tony if he asked. I gave an answer, and I still believe in it. I wouldn't marry him now...or within any time relatively that soon....but if we're still together in the amount of time it'll take for us to spend serious RL time together, I would then. So, I suppose, the answer is yes.

I suppose I should drag myself off to bed. I'm not going to classes today, but its almost 6:30, and the sun will be coming up soon. The only thing that really stops me is how big and empty the bed will feel. After falling asleep for a few nights, warm, being held by someone, skin to skin....its gonna be hard to go back to being alone. *sighs* I can still smell him a bit, on my clothes, when my hair brushes my face.....I can only hope the sheets still smell like his skin. Maybe it'll help me sleep.

One last thing before I go - there is nothing in the world like being kissed intensely enough to make you dizzy, and make it hard to focus your eyes when you open them again. More than once. I love it.

October 22, 1998 - continued.

Sometimes I wonder why we do this. The times we spend together are happier, for me, than any other time in the world. But they also hurt. It hurts just a little bit when he's here, because I know in the back of my mind that its not lasting, that he's leaving soon. And now he is, he's gone.

Every time he leaves, I ask myself if its worth it. Is the love worth this hurt? And the answer I never thought I'd hear myself giving is yes. I'm not one for hurt. I avoid it at all costs. Thats why I got involved in net relationships all the time. They never went very deep, so it was hard to hurt me. But for him, because I love him, I hurt. It sounds crazy. It is.

So how long before we're together? Who the hell knows. He can't come here, because the equipment for his major is out of date (our comps are kinda old) and he's going into research and developement. I'm NOT going to hold his career back so I don't hurt that much. And I wouldn't survive at this school. When he was here, I truly saw the differences. Although I chose the small school so I could be somebody here, I find I like the anonymity. I like the fact that there are things to do, places to go with a quick, free SA Shuttle ride. I'm a Long Islander - I'm used to things being hopping in the wee hours, even if I'm not involved with them. Could I survive at a school with 900 kids and little to do outside studying, even if I had my boyfriend? I'd end up clinging on his arm, and I don't want that. I really don't want that. My roomate's boyfriend does that, and it bothers me to see it. Besides, right now, I don't have any reason to go to his college other than him. I've no clue what I want to do with my life, so going to a school where they emphasize teaching wouldn't be good just yet. If I decide to teach, then I WILL go to Doane. If I decide on something else, and go someplace else....a place with an excellent comp sci program will have double benefits. Hey, I've already brought up the idea of a neutral college.

*sighs* I'm tempted to wash everything now, now that it has his smell on it. A small whiff from my palms can make me dizzy. But I can't. They'll go away soon enough, and I'll hate that more. I know he's not gone for GOOD. I'll talk to him on ICQ, and on the phone when we can afford it. In December, I head out there to see him. But its not the same. I'm still sick of one part of this...cramming two months into a few days. Making sure we spend AS MUCH time together as possible, and not wasting a moment.  Kinda like rushing through your favorite dessert because the restaurant is closing. You enjoy it, but its not as good as it could be, as it could have been. And you PAID for the dessert - and you didn't get to enjoy all of it. And you hate the restaurant for kicking you out before you could savor the last bite.

Rereading the poem I wrote specifically for him didn't help me. Most of the poems I write end up being towards him - Closed Gates was to explain why I shut down mentally, and Ginger House was when we were arguing over colleges. It a "without love, there's nothing else" poem. But Claddagh....I wrote that FOR him. Once I started, and I saw the first two lines, I realized how beautiful an anniversary gift it would make. And he loved it - unless he was just patronizing me, but he knows better than that.

I'm tempted, for awhile, to throw myself into my poetry. Even though its all about/to him, it makes me feel so much better to have a poem finished and polished. It really does. *sighs* I think I'll relook at the one I started that was to him....when I discovered it was to him. The poem fits more now.

I've got so many people trying to help me. Rob in Texas is emailing me from work, and Phil's trying to take me to lunch. I feel bad - RLly, I just want to be alone. Because its going to hurt. Everyplace I'll step today is a place we walked together. Phil seems to understand this. I told him over ICQ that I want to be alone when I go to lunch in a few, and he simply said he understood - and to smile, people love me.

I'm back from lunch. Wish I could say I felt better. All I can say is that the smell is off my hands, dammit. I found I can still absorb myself in my music, though. Strap on a walkman, and my mind leaves. I have the feeling I'll be doing a lot of walking soon.

I feel so bad. I'm sitting at my computer, almost crying again. I'm trying to decide if its lack of sleep, or I care as much as I think I do. The latter. I can't imagine my life without him.....and yet, my life kind of IS without him. He's all the way in NE. I see him for a few hours a day - hell, I dont even SEE him. We type. Its amazing the connection that can be made that way.

Thats something we talk about now and then. All the things that had to happen for us to get together.  First, our characters on the MUSH got together, which was odd enough to begin with, cause they didn't really like each other in the beginning. Second, the place had to die. The MUSH got so boring, we started talking. His then-girlfriend had to stop showing up, I was pissed at every man in my life....there were so many things. And the most frightening thing is, we got into the relationship with a 'what the hell' attitude. Something to check out, a possibility, because we had a lot in common and some chemistry.

Now look at us. Being mushy, being in love. Not just loving each other, but being in love. There's always been a difference there for me, a difference in depth of feelings. Hell, I write poetry about and for him. Thats gotta say something.

I'm back from chorus. Actually, I didn't really go. I asked the teacher if I could, and she said no, but during her announcements I started crying. Legitly crying. I still am. The girl next to me, basically said to screw the teacher, and walked me back to my dorm room. Why is this so hard? Why do I miss the littlest things so much? I mean, I haven't lost him or anything. We're still together, still in love, all that. His soul's still with me. Just....everything else thats gone. A year...and all I have, physically, is a stuffed tiger and a picture on my desk. Everything else is mental.

Its the little things, the little things I see everywhere that are getting to me. A couple hugging outside the Angell Center, hearing an airplane pass overhead, even the @motd of a MUSH that says Happy Anniversary cause the MUSH is a few years old.....everything.

I wasn't affected this badly last time. Last time, I almost took it in stride. But last time, we'd just barely gotten used to each other. We'd eestablished that our relationship could handle RL. This was different. This trip wasn't a test to see if we could handle each other. This was real - real life, real love, real everything. And thats why its so much more real that he's gone now. I don't understand why this hurts so much! Its a temporary seperation. Until December....where we'll have another week. Maybe. I don't understand - and yet I do - how we can live like this. From visit to visit. The times we spend together are unparallel, but they hurt so much, too.

Thats one thing he said to me a few hours before we caught a cab to the ferry. We were both exhausted, and I was depressed, and he just looked at me and told me softly not to be sad, that things would be alright. Whenever most people say that, its condescending. But he meant it - and I know its true. Someday, things'll be alright. But this isn't someday....this is today. And today, I just want to sleep until it doesn't hurt, but instead I'm crying myself into a headache and hiccups and I can't stop.

Its times like this I definately know I couldn't stand losing him. I'm this upset just at him having to go home. I'll talk to him again, probably tonight, definately tomorrow. And then most days after that. I can't imagine not talking to him again. He told me he never wants to lose me - and the sentiment is more than returned. What would I do without him? I'd have basically no reason to log on. But none of my friends go out or go anywhere, so I'd be stuck doing homework and watching TV forever. I don't believe I'd never find anyone after him, if the impossible happened, but I do believe I'd never find anyone who I'd love as much, who'd love me as much or understand me as well as he does. No one would make me as happy.

Yes, I can say he makes me happy as I sit here crying. I'm happier with him than any other time. I can't even give good reasons why. He makes me laugh....but other people make me laugh, too. There's just something about him. Some shared bond. Something thats attracted us across miles, across phone lines. Brought our minds and hearts together. He's the only person in the world whose arms I'd fall asleep in. Even if he does talk in his sleep. I can't.....put it into words. Its something I show through my eyes.

There's nothing in the world like trusting and loving someone enough to sleep naked in their arms.

--Sare