Hey, hey, hey. First month of December. Everything good happens this month. My 18th birthday (bars up in Canada, watch out!!), Christmas and Hanukah (hurrah to mixed parentage), and my trip to Tony's.

Okay, so I know I don't write as much as I thought I would. Blame the handwritten journal. (Aww, dont get jealous of the handwritten journal...) Why, you might ask, do I hate two journals? None of your goddamned business! Just kidding - kinda. I know there are strangers reading this and I don't mind that. But I also know that my boyfriend and some of my friends read this. There are things I need to write that I don't want them reading. Hell, some of what I write online now I'm not thrilled that people I know read. (Screw proper grammer and sentence structure!!) But there are some things that are just too much. I don't need Tony or Rob being worried about me more than they both already are.

Why are they worried about me, you ask? Because of the other reason I've not been writing much: Depression on the borderline of suicide. God, it almost makes me cry just thinking about it.  The depression itself hasn't ended, unfortunately its still going strong. But the suicidal part, I think, is over. Actually, it wasn't really suicidal. Its hard to explain. It was more wanting to restart my life. Declaring the past few months a "do-over" or something. I wanted to take my money and run away, or I wanted to go to sleep and wake up in 5 years. I wanted a sudden change for the better. And what depressed me more is that I knew it wasn't going to happen. So what did I do? I got argumentative. I pushed people awal. I wanted to wallow, and I wanted to wallow alone. My boyfriend, the one person I hold dearer than any other, told me when we were arguing (or, rather, I was arguing and he was not arguing back) that it sounded like I wanted to get rid of him. I told him the truth, that I never wanted to lose him and though I felt it even then, the words, at that moment, felt hollow when I typed them. Why? At the time, I had no idea and I mused about it for ages. It certianly wasn't a false sentiment. He was everything to me, but at that moment it didnt mean a thing. Nothing felt like it meant anything anymore. I think, at the time, I did kind of want to lose him. If I had no one to care about, if I had no one who cared about me, I'd be free to run away or kill myself or whatever it was I wanted to do without feeling guilty.

Fortunately, I never let myself get that far, in any way.

Writing this made me realize what a big part Tony played in all of this. Not in making me depressed and not in bringing me back up, but in keeping me from getting worse.  And I also just realized how mean - and manipulative - I was when I was majorly depressed. I'm going over all the things I said to him in that just-over-a-month time period and I can barely believe it was me. But, ugly as it was, I understand the logic my subconcious mind used.  I was pushing. Testing. I guess I wanted to see if he could handle the depression - the truth of what I am when I'm depressed - or if he'd abandon me like everyone RL did when I spiraled into myself.  But I guess love is, if not stronger than depression, at least on equal footing.  Love keeps the depression from getting too bad, but depression keeps me from truly enjoying love.

I think the net has a lot to do with that. After the last visit, the time online and phone calls are no longer acceptable. Thats why I don't think I can stay in the relationship if we don't figure out a way to be together this September. I couldn't deal with living another year alone. Granted, having him around won't solve all my probs, and it'll probably make new ones, but I need it. One thing I've learned here at Platts - I shouldn't stay where I'm not happy. He makes me happy, very happy. I think its the point - he does. Where the relationship is right now does not. I live with it because I love him and I have the hope for Sept. If our plans for Sept don't work out, I won't up and leave. Its not an ultimatum. But I'd have to do some major thinking. Time is precious and I feel rather like we're wasting it. I'm sick of relying on the computer. I don't want to have to worry about compatible schedules.  I want him to be able to go out without wondernig if I'll be around when he gets back - here, if I'm not awake and online, I'm not around. Possibly, in Sept, if he gets back after I'm asleep, he could just crawl in bed with me or something. Its a totally different world.  Never mind, I've been through all this before. Any updates to this page will make a link from this page to a new one.
 

--Sare