Its odd, sometimes, the way I think, at least about this relationship. I'm scared, usually, to use the words 'forever' or 'marriage' for several reasons.One, I don't want to scare Tony off - even though he's the one who keeps using the words, more often than I do. Two, its almost like I don't want to hope too hard. I don't want to put all my faith in it, because if I do and it doesn't work out, I'll be even more devestated.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I do hope. Incessently. And I do believe in it, insofar as I believe in every thing else, maybe a bit stronger.  Its on my mind a lot - I just don't say it that often. Its been my experience that when you wish for something, and talk about it, it doesn't happen. But its not just that superstition - Its also I guess I don't want to seem totally earnest, like this is my life. Its a major part of my life - probably the biggest part of my life. But, slowly, I'm developing more to my life again. Even though it annoys me when I cant get things right immediately, I'm trying to draw and write again. Trying.

Anyway, back to the original topic, it seems everyone else believes in us too. Well, everyone but my parents (and possibly his - I havent asked.) Little phrases pop up and I know people do them subconciously. Tony's little brother said, "When you guys get married, I want to be there." Chad (Tony's roomate) mentioned something like, "So, are you going to get your lisence when you come out here?" and even a few of my friends around here, like Matt: "Hey! Soon, I'll be in Kansas and you'll be in Nebraska....we'll both be in the middle of nowhere! Help!"

Even Tony himself has used the phrase, "You know, when I ask you to marry me...."

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of it. It seems, sometimes, that my love life is whirling around me and everyone has a hand in it but me. Every now and again (not that often) I just...wonder. I'm 18. Tony's my first serious boyfriend. (Not my first, no, but the first I've contemplated being with for more than a few months :P) And here I am, thinking of forever.

Many I know would be scared of this, especially at my age.  Most would want to date others before settling down. But I don't. I know (at least, as well as I can know with the knowledge I have available to me) that I'll never find anyone more suited to me. I explained it to Adam once - he brings me stability, and I inject a little bit of insanity.

Actually, thats something I was wondering about lately. I got into a boyfriend-discussion on the public channel of a MUX. Being the only girl there WITH a boyfriend, I won :) But we started comparing ex's and everything, sharing our horror stories, and some of the good stuff. Someone asked me what Tony was like - I gave a virtual list. Really nice, gentle, incredibly smart and mentally strong. (That was one of our major discussions - I've had one boyfriend who argued with me if I didn't agree with him, to the point where I said I agreed with him just to shut him up. I've also had a boyfriend who cowered whenever I got mad and said "yes dear". Tony doesn't push opinions on me, but he doesn't let me bully him - I have a tendancy to bully people.) Okay, there's all that - what the hell does he see in me that keeps him around? I'm depressing, a lot of the time. I've got a bitch facade that people either gravitate to or shy away from, and a romantic marshemellow beneath that gets stepped on and squashed into the pavement. I'm a nutcase, most often daydreaming or complaining. Maybe I'm just too used to seeing only the negative in myself, even as I admit the positive.

So, I dont have an answer :P

But I'm closing this journal entry for now. Anything else will be placed tomorrow.
 

--Sare