I saw something interesting on TV today. Something called "Weddings of a Lifetime." People let this show video tape all the important parts of the perperation and the ceremony iteself, they interview everyone, and I think they pick up the bill for the wedding. This show was on in the background, but I started paying attention when I heard the words "interfaith ceremony." That made me lift my head.

It was actually interestintg. I mean, it was a wedding only rich people could afford, since I found out the show doesn't pay for any of it. There are so many things I saw that I'd like - the smaller aspects of the rather grand affair.

1) they went with my color scheme - white and ivy green. Almost no other colors were used.

2) black dresses for the bridesmaids (hehe)

3) the ceremony itself was nice. At first, I didn't like the idea of interfaith ceremonies. I've been against them since I really heard of them - better, in my mind, to have no-faith than interfaith. Might bug people otherwise. (Although I do have a tendancy to date Christian/Catholic boys). But, I mean, I'd like a ceremony that was spiritual, just not invoking God (or Satan, but thats another story.) In this ceremony, there were two touches I adored, though. The lighting of the unity candle, for one. A beautiful gesture. And the breaking of the glass - something I've loved since my first Jewish wedding I attended. It has its own symbolism. Breaking the glass - without the bad, the bit of pain, there would be no good. Also, an implied prayer: "As this glass breaks, may our marriage never shatter."
 
The whole wedding was a big affair - I still want something smaller. I must commend the bride for her simple dress though - no lace flounces, not low cut, nothing. Simple and positively gorgeous.

Made me wonder a bit about the interfaith thing - why DO I end up dating non-Jewish guys? I think its because most Jewish boys I know (Read: that I know. No broad generalizations) are wimps. They're too easily whipped by women. Momma's boys. I need someone to stand up to me.

I need someone to take care of me. There, I said it. :P

Over the past few months I've come to finally be able to admit something I've known somewhere inside forever - I need to be taken care of. I'm not a 90's woman fully, at least not 1990's. Oh, I don't want to sit at home and clean and take care of kids; nor do I want to have all my decisions made for me while I sit there wiht my hands in my lap. But there are times when I'm not a very strong person and I need someone to be strong for both of us. I need someone capable of making most of the fincial decisions (with discussion, yes, but...) since I seem to have absolutely no head for money - in fact, I have little control over it when I have it. Its not safe with me.

I have a bad tendancy to collapse now and again. I need someone capable of, mentally, holding me up without holding it against me that he has to.

This is something few people understand nowadays. They expect women to want to live independantly of a relationship. Women should be strong, independant, etc, etc. I'm not. I'm either weak or incredibly old fashioned - probably a bit of both.

Some people might think I'm taking an easy road, letting someone take care of me. Thats something that they - and I - have to understand about myself. Letting someone take care of me is probably harder than standing on my own, because I have to admit that I need it. For me to admit I can't stand on my own takes so much out of me....its almost like losing a bit of dignity. I hang my head when I make the realization.....but its something I want and need.

Its so hard to explain. I'm not sure I can explain it so someone else can get it fully. To be taken care of...to know I'm not alone....to know someone's there to catch me when I fall (because I will fall) is so important to me. Someone to hide behind when the world becomes too much. Someone who's there.

It hurts, sometimes, to be like this. Not just internally - knowing that I'm not as strong as I'd like to be - but also from external sources, when I start to fall...and smack the pavement.

I know I shouldn't expect anyone to be there all the time. Its not really fair.

*sighs* I cant explain it.....make of this what you will.

--Sare