This one's not going in the handwritten just because I'm already at my computer.

Why was I born to be tortured?  Everything bad that can happen to me at Platts IS happening. I'm failing at least one of my classes, and not doing well in the others. And now, to top this off, my roomate, after MONTHS of living with her boyfriend, suddenly decided to move back in. I had just gotten used to her REALLY being gone. I need to be alone. I need to have places to myself. I need to have a place thats private. Now thats all gone. I'm going to do even worse because I can't study when she's in here. I can't do anything.  Everything I do is wrong to her, and instead of complaining to me, I got reported to the RA. And now, I'm going to get in worse trouble, because I lent her chair to someone and they never returned it. Well, I figured, if she was around enough to use her own chair, then I wouldn't have lent it. Its not my fault they didn't return it.

Its hard to live with someone you have absolutely no respect for. And I'm sure she has none for me, even if its only through the fact that her absolutely wonderful (hah) boyfriend hates me.

The need to run away from everything has never been so strong as it is right now. No one seems to get this - I need a place thats mine. This might actually be a problem if Tony and I live together in a small apartment. But I love him, so I don't think I'd mind his sharing a private space. But this little blond bitch known as Karen is too much to deal with. I may end up living at the library for a few weeks. I won't be able to talk to my friends, but i can do that after eleven when the library closes. This is the one time in my life when I really need a solid friend to hang out with, and I don't. Res tries, he does, but its not right. I need someone who'll put up with me practically living at their place for 2 weeks. I'm not sure its the need for privacy. I think its just utter hatred for her boyfriend, utter disgust for her, and the need, right now, to be alone.

Why, might you ask, do I have these feelings for them? Well, the three of us started out as friends. But then they started dating and I disappeared. Her entire life became him, and his life became her. She "started working late" at his apartment, and moved ALL her stuff there. Well, I mean, her clothes, her books, her shower stuff - her every day stuff. She MOVED OUT. And now she just wants to move back in, like its not a great inconvenience to me. You cant let me get used to being alone and liking it, and then suddenly throw this in my face. It doesn't work like that. I hope to God they break up - and not so she'll be around here more. I hope they break up deep into next semester so she can see what a mistake she made by letting her life revolve around him. Right now, EVERYONE in ALL our classes avoids both of them. No one wants anything to do with them because they seem like such aloof snobs, always off by themselves and never letting anyone into their world. I used to try, but I gave up weeks ago. Now, I'm alone. And NOW, I have to be mentally alone and physically have someone else in the room. Its intolerable.  I'd give up the rest of the money I have for an apartment to move into for 2 measely weeks. Just two weeks. I'd go through the hassle of moving for those two weeks.

You have no idea how badly I want to throw her computer out of our nine-story window.

Its amazing. I dont hate her. I just find her...beneath me. There are VERY FEW people that I find beneath me. I consider about 99% of the population on equal footing, no matter of wealth or talent. But because of her attitudes and actions, I find her beneath me. Like I said, its hard to live with someone you simply cant respect.

The thing that REALLY bothers me is the paranoia. In the beginning, when she moved out, she'd come back every other day or so to pick up some stuff. It got to be that every time I heard a footstep outside I got paranoid it was her. I had just gotten out of that habit, these past few weeks, and I'm going to get into it again. Even now. She's gone back out - I hear the elevator squeek - and I jump, thinking she's going to be coming back in. Its ridiculous.

And I have no comfort in my life. To me, comfort is being able to sit down with someone and talk about this. Not type. Be able to look at someone, hear them, everything. Just someone. A friend. But I don't have that. I dont have someone to hug me. I have nothing.

No....I have nothing but this room. And now I dont even have that anymore. Thats whats bothering me. Now I really do have nothing. I had nothing but this room and my privacy.  To study, I need things on my computer. To have my computer, I need to be in my room. I cant even really study elsewhere. I'm tempted to say "Why bother?" and just totally fail my classes. Or to withdraw and make my parents come up and get me. But I cant do that. Some moral crappy code inside me keeps me from being able to do that.

And the one thing I asked her is to keep her boyfriend out of here because we hate each other. Who's in here now? You guess. Where is he? At her computer, as always. Sometimes I think touching her keyboard is more interesting to him than anything else. He certianly acts that way. Ask my friend Res, who has a computer class with him. He (boyfriend, not Res) is the total teachers pet. Everyone calls him that behind his back. He's always showing off, making it look like he knows more than he does. Granted, he knows more than me, but I know PLENTY of people who know more than him and can do something to a computer without say, "Look, then you press this button and does that, Cool, huh? Isn't it great? State of the art technology." like he built the goddamn thing instead of just reading the manual. What a moron. And he seems to enjoy the torture of small animals. Don't ask me why. The ONLY things I saw him smile at when he used to hang around here was playing with the computer and some form of torture to people or animals. He laughed when his mom ran over his dog's leg. I'd love to run over his leg and see if he laughs.

Now they're talking quietly, as if anything they say cannot be heard by me. Please. The rooms too small for that. Talking about finding another room. Good. Of course, I'll be gone by that point, but I dont care. In fact, let her report me up the wazoo. The worst they can do is charge me for the missing chair. Its pathetic plastic and metal, it'll cost a few bucks and I dont care. They can kick me out - I'm leaving anyway. So let her do what she wants by reporting things to the RA. She's the one staying here. I'm going home, where I'll have my OWN room and REAL food. So let her keep her prick of a boyfriend and her anally retentive nature. If I can just put up with this for a few weeks more - two weeks and a few days, to be exact - I'll be juuust fine. I hope.

Any further updates on todayt, since its only one in the afternoon, will be put at this link.
 

--Sare