I hate fighting with Tony, but that seems to be something we've started doing now and again since we started college. Things change, people change, and when they change, the things that were always there become more apparent.  Its almost like we've switched places. It used to be that I was the person that stood up to anything, and he was more mild mannered. Now, he's the one who's become strong, or, "no longer afraid" as he puts it, and I'm the one jumping at sounds and crying at night.

When I'm talking to him, its hard to express any of this. Hard to express anything, sometimes, especially when I'm in a mood like I'm in now. When I'm doubting simply everything in my life. I just wish I really understood everything that went on inside my head, and at least a vague something of his. Over the past few months, he's become more than a complete mystery to me. Lately, talking with him is like....watching a play. You see what the character on stage is doing, what they're saying, but you don't know whats going on in his head. Its a bad analogy, but its the only one I have now.

When we're together real life, its wonderful. But after a few weeks of being apart, it feels like we're moving on inertia. Like the line in one of my favorite songs "Have we become a habit?" and I actually scare myself by wondering if we are. I suppose thats one of the joys of a long relationship, having it be so a part of you that its a habit, but its a bad thing if its a habit alone.

The fights are mostly my fault, I know that. (Hey, a woman admitting something like that is a major step. Be proud of me.) They stem, I'm sure, from the depressions I've been going through. Its like I want to explain something to him, but, especially if he's leaving, I feel like the only way I can get him to really listen is by starting something, because he is ALWAYS FUCKING BUSY with something else at the same time.

I suppose thats one of my problems. Lately I feel more like an add-on in his life than anything else. An extra person, just one more person to talk to, one more thing to do, one more this or that. He says, now and again, that I'm the most important thing, or something of the like, but I never feel it. Its not like I don't trust his words, but I'm a writer. Words are easy. Words mean NOTHING. Actions speak a HELL of a lot louder.

That leads me to the only problem I've stated so far that he knows about. What I've come to refer to as Tony-time. A lot of boyfriends have this I think - where they state they'll be gone for, say, half an hour and return about two hours later. Occasionally, its nothing.....but when it happens as often as it has been (ie, about twice a week or more) it brings about the most dangerous of thoughts. I used to get angry at him every time, but now I more or less accept it, even though it bothers me. I'm dual-sided on this. I want to know about the time he'll be back, so I know when to be around, but I also DONT want to know, because if he tells me one time and comes far later, I get annoyed. Its like...being unintentionally lied to. Actions speak louder than words, and actions are saying that everything else is more important than fulfilling what he said. I know (I hope) thats not how its working, but thats what it feels like. I'm not as important as anything else anymore.

Its so hard to explain, all of it. I'm hoping to God that all of these thoughts are the results of depressing mind (I vaguely recognize the symptoms from my earlier teen years. When I got into these, I was convinced - and I mean CONVINCED - that all my friends were my friends because they felt sorry for me.) I really really wish I could explain any of this so someone could understand it - or so that I could understand it.  I dont want to control him, or even try to control him, but I currently feel pathetic. I sit at home and wait for him to show up, and when he doesn't show up on time.....its not good.

I'm a person who acts on what her heart says, not her mind. And I can only act on what other people give me to act on. And I just don't feel like I'm getting much from him anymore. Everything feels half-hearted, like he's just going through the motions.

*sighs* I give up. I can't even really explain this to myself. Its the depression. All I know, for sure, is that actions speak louder than words and its actions that I trust more than anything. But something I've learned from the past month or so, is that when actions are silent, the words are all but meaningless.

Update: Several hours after previous post. I sent Tony's friend Knight around to evaluate this, give me his opinion (since I've gotten advice from everyone who's been to this page) and the discussions we're having isn't improving my faith any. "If he thinks you'll always be there, that you're secured, he might have lost a bit of interest. Make him pursue!" And I pointed out that he takes everything the same way.He responds the same way to my saying I got talked into playing games with a cute guy to when I tell him that I have homework to do. Like he doesn't care. Next idea? "You're always around. Every time I log on, you're around. If you're always here..." My response? I've tried. I tell him I'm going out, or that I may not be on when he gets back. And what happens? "I hope you'll be around when I get back. I do want to talk to you." But, apparently, "wanting to talk to me" even when me being around later is unlikely, doesn't take presedence over ANYTHING. Not a single bloody goddamned thing. I dont want to control his life, I dont want to keep him from friends. I want him to have a social life. But I also want to feel fucking important. And I don't. I don't in the least.

I'm a person who needs things - things some people don't seem to. I don't need to be loved, but once I think I am, I need to /feel/ loved. I need comfort, I need compassion, and I need bloody more than generic *nods* and *smiles.*  I need to know. I need....and I'm afraid.

--Sare