The Bishop's Trumpet

Many clerics and pious laity in the Kingdoms of Oman and Arabica were today expressing their horror at the outrageous behaviour of King Tariq. 

He had demanded, as a pre-condition for negotiations toward a peace treaty with Oman, that the Sheikh of Oman sever the hand of his eldest daughter, and deliver it to King Tariq's eldest son, Abdul the Imbecile. 

The Sheikh has complied with this, but, when interviewed by this reporter, was weeping over the cruelty of it all. 

"What manner of madman is this Tariq? I put the welfare of my people ahead of my own, even above that of my family, but of what use is the severed hand of a simple girl like my daughter? How has she offended him that he demands such retribution? What possesses him?" 

Local dignitaries expressed the fear that Tariq was following the path of his father Rajid the Raving, and there were rumours that Tariq had fallen to the ground foaming at the mouth, at the last state banquet. Is it time for Tariq to meet the same fate as his father, deposed by a son?

The King of Italia was almost slain by a zealous pagan warrior from his bodyguard, today, after delivering a stirring speech to his army. We have no further details yet, but include an excerpt from the speech: 

"Gothic warriors,  your King Vitiges, son of Theodoric the Great, have decided to convert to catholicism. I was convinced by no other mean than a dream: Enemy army was in Rome, and we were besieging it for months.No efforts allowed us to enter the city, and the bulk of our proud nation was fading in an useless fight. For three nights I had these dream, each 
time fighting without succes. Each night, my father Theodoric visited me, he ordered me and my warriors  convert to catholicism. The two first time, I refused, and waked up in sweet. The third night I accepted  and after a bloody fight, we managed to take back the city, enslaving all the ennemies and taking a lot of booty. 
        I think that my father has forewarned us by this dream. That's why I will convert to catholicism, and I pray all of you, prouds Gothic warriors, to convert also. I know you don't like to discuss for hours 
about the nature of God, me too. Just consider that the true God is the one giving victories on our weapons. 
After the ceremony,the holly father Bishop Gregoire II of Rome will distribute gifts to all of us.

The annual Apuleion/Brundisium soccer gala went seriously awry this year. The Apuleiones were scheduled to play at home, but when the Brundisi announced that they weren't coming, due to the cheating of the ref last year, the Apuleion Aces went on the road, together with 10,000 of their supporters.

They have arrived at Brundisium, but apparently no-one made bookings for hotels*, so they are camping outside the city, awaiting the match

We look forward with interest to this grudge match, as we understand a large mob of supporters of the Brundisium Belchers have recently arrived in Apuleion, to see this match.

The Editor feels that it is high time that the BIFA sort out this annual fiasco, and put it on a more professional footing!

*Everyone brought the beer, instead

News arrived today of another bitter & bloody clash between the Gothic tribes of the upper Balkans. 

In a large-scale brawl, the Longbeards rode roughshod over the Gepidians, slaying them wholesale.

According to our correspondant, it was a "magnificent sight", the "majestic sweep of the Lombardi", like "wolves down upon the helpless sheep of the Gepids", who apparently "stood dazed and fearful, like as many cows or Byzantines, awaiting the butchers' mallet".

We have despatched a special correspondant to report on this ongoing struggle more closely, as the ethnic cleansing of the Balkans accelerates again .. and again ...
 
 

• The new Emperor of the Romans, Babylas I, is rumoured to have taken his latest wife on a sea cruise, seeking to recapture the joys of youth 
• The Archbishop of Lutetia delivered a scorching series of sermons preaching a drive to convert the Pelagianist heretics of Briannia to the true and Catholic faith
• The African fleet encountered a severe storm off the coast of Carthage, while on training manouevres, and limped back to port short of many a ship.
• SitVac: We are seeking a new reporter for our Baltic/Slav section, due to a sudden resignation. 
• King Lawncelot of Britannia has apparently commenced a Christian Crusdade against the Picts to his north.
• The disgraceful behaviour of King Tariq in Arabica has apparently inspired a number of religious leaders to denounce him in public sermons, and these have sparked considerable unrest in Medina

The passengers of the luxury cruise flotilla Theodor today ran riot through the streets of Epirion. There has been considerable unrest, and much destruction of property.

What provoked these innocent tourists to such mayhem is still uncertain, but rumours that this reporter has heard is that they were outraged by the tripling of the price of a bottle of wine in the public cafes (as decreed by the Imperial Progenitor for Achaea), or that their ships had all run out of toilet paper.

The tourists have left now, but the cleanup is yet to start. Local shopkeepers bewail their losses, and are demanding government action to compensate them.

"Where were all the soldiers we pay taxes for, eh?" cried Marika Sklerides, a lcal tavern-keeper. "What good is that fatgut Emperor, swanning around in his bathrobe, if he can't even protect his people?"

When this reporter returned to continue the interview, Mme Sklerides had apparently "left town", or so we were informed by the large gentlemen at the door.

In the latest corporate merger, the Greek shipping magnate Philagrius Constans, today announced a partial takeover of the Italian National Shipping Line. 

From the deck of his flagship the "Just-out-Ian", he declared that this partial takeover a complete success, providing new synergies for his company, and pointing proudly to the five newly-acquired Galleys as proof of the success.

When asked about the reported disappearance of a number of his current fleet, he muttered something about being abducted by aliens, and retired to a fresh bottle of retsina.

After the recent turmoil in commodities and currency markets in the Far East, it has surprised no-one that the Tarim International Confederation Corp (Sogdia) has announced a hostile takeover bid for the under-resourced and underdeveloped Alannia Universal Store Supply International.

The markets have been waiting to see which way the cash-rich TICCS would choose to move, to reinvest their profits, and there was general relief that they had decided to latch onto the  overripe AUSSI.

It is believed that the CEO of AUSSI is casting around for a white knight, and he has avowed every determination to fight off this takeover.

His Holiness, the Patriach Joseph of Alexandria, has announced that King Meles of Alwa has converted to the One True Faith, and ordered his followers to abjure their false gods and join him in the True Way.