The Bishop's Trumpet

The rich sprawling metropolis of Constantinople tonights seethes and roils, beset by riots, rapine and ravagery. Bands of hooligans still roam the streets, clashing with the valiant soldiery of Rome, and often defeating them. 

The trouble started at the Ecdysion during the chariot races. The faction supporting the Reds claimed that their chariot had been cheated of the winners ribbon, and started pelting the guards with fruit. After the next race, where the officials blatantly interfered to ensure a win for the Reds, followers of both the Blues and the Greens started invading the sections set aside for the Reds, and - revealing prior intent - produced weapons and started slaying Red faction members. The whole brawl spilled over the guards, slaying the bulk fo them, and consumed many of the nobles' boxes as well. 

The imperial party withdrew in safety to the Imperial Palace, but the enormous crowds of brawling citizens surrounded the palace, as well as sacking and burning the Cathedral of St Marc and the Basilica Romana, and the Treasury. 

The crowd was somewhat quieted and calmed by a personal speech from Empress Theodosia, who also danced naked on the Palace balconies to appease the crowd (see our colour supplement for live-action woodcuts).

Tonight the seaside resort town of Verginetum lies under a pall of smoke and horror. This pretty town, once the vacation spot of Emperor Caius, has been wrought, overthrown and destroyed by ravening columns of Frankish Neustrians.

"Nuns screamed for mercy as they were dragged from their altars to be despoiled and eaten. Whole Cheeses  were thrown into the air to be caught on swords, and, horror of horrors, whole vineyards were despoiled, innocent vines laying trampled and crushed" reported Lord Caius, former mayor of the town.

The Chieftain of the Neustrians, Mauraulf the Manbeast, loosed his ferocious savages upon the town after overthrowing the tiny garrison and mercilessly slaughtering them. Now the whole of Francia is in uproar, outraged by the vicious and brutal treatment of the civilians caught up in this unprecedented savagery.

The unspeakable butchery of this invasion has roused the Pope to condemn the Neustrians, and threaten to place them under the Ban of Interdict, but it is feared that this will have little or no effect on the uncouth Neustrians. For more details, refer to our supplement

Editors Note: The "Nun" is a species of duck, or so I am told.

The Appuleion Aces, returning from an away-match in Brindisi, today defeated the visiting Durazzum Dynamoes in a dazzling display of skill. See our match report for details.

After this magnificent first-round victory, many are talking about the possibility of the Aces going all the way to Constantinople, to win the Championship. 

However, Richemont, their star striker, is rumoured to be out of contention for the next match, with an strained groin.

There is expected to be fierce competition for the available slot to play Byzantium United, with teams such as the Lombard Laagerlouts, and Ctesiphon Wednesday expected to make a bid.

Rumours of a challenge to Byzantium United by Byzantium city are apparently without substance.

Head of the Rescue Team, King Huneric  of Afrika, said: "When the lads and I heard about her predicament, we just thought we should come and help. We were lucky that we had the rescue equipment already on our ships, so we just jumped aboard and sailed over."

The heroic efforts of the Fideles Afrikan Rescue Team were highly praised by the newly-elected mayor of Tunis, Caius Servilianus. "We can't thank them enough for releasing our precious little jewel. As a spntaneous thanksgiving, the citizens have taken to feeding and paying the Rescue Team members from their own pockets".

King Benyounes of Gaetulia was unavailable for comment, a spokesman said.
 

• The Romans are reported to have crushed another Italican fleet in the Adriatic.
• The Archbishop of Lutetia today ritually burned three schismatic Keltic Christians, after receiving them from the hands of the King Mauralf the Manbeast of Neustria.
• The VIsigoths have dispatched massive aid to Mauria to assist that country in recovering from the savage devastation of war that has swept over the eastern part of the country.
• SitVac: We are seeking a new reporter for our Baltic/Slav section, due to a sudden resignation (see next story).
• King Arturus of Britannia has issued a condemnatory note to the King of Anglia, protesting putative frontier violations.
• Rioting in Medina has sporadically continued all season, fuelled by the outrageous behaviour of King Tariq, and the arising of a religious spokesman, Abdullah of Alexandria.
• The Arab border has been closed, to assist in stopping the ongoing terrorist campaign in that country, it is claimed. 

Patricius Cerularis, Magister Militum per Orientalis, Dux Imperator Romanorum et Domine Antiochum, today announced the end of the Cold War between Persia and Rome, from his new acquisition, Arzanene.

"The Emperor has declared that we shall no longer continue this permanent state of seige with Persia, and that we shall remove the 'Balance of terror' with this state, in the most Roman of fashions."

"We therefore and heretofor declare that the provinces, lands and territories of the former persianic peoples are now under the protection and rulership of the glorious Babylas I, Imperator Mundi et Miles Gloriosos."

A spokesman for Khusrau II, former King of Kings and Emperor of Persia, said that a statement would be forthcoming, as would a proper riposte to what he called "this unexpected and unwarranted aggression".

The Governor of Alannia, today reported to the Sovereign Soviet of Sogdia that continuing student unrest on the campuses of his province would require further reinforcements of the State Militia.

The Chairman of the Sogdia blamed this unrest on outside agitators, from the Juan, and threatened to take reprisals on these agitators.

One of the student agitator leaders, Mikkeli Widemouth, denied all outside influence, and claimed that this was not an issue of unrest, but a blow for freedom on behalf of all Alans, and all oppressed people everywhere.

Random questioning of Alans stopped on the street revealed a variety of opinion on the topic.

After another doomed invasion of one of his peaceful neighbours, King Vicas the Vile of Baltia has reeled back across his borders, followed by the staggering remnants of his army.

When questioned as to whether the defeat was caused by his incompetence, the cupidity of his subordinates, or the servile ineptitude, cowardice and misery of his subjects, Vicas initially failed to respond, instead gobbling like the turkey he is.

When he finally found his wits (apparently he'd left them under his throne), he retorted with a torrent of abuse, then called for his guards.

Editors note: after the unfortunate demise of the late Valerius Valens, we again seek a new reporter for our Slav division: preferably someone more sympathetic to the ethnic aspirations of these peoples.

The recent conversion of the King of the Ostrogoths had a remarkable consequence: today, in the Basilica of Roma, the pagan Lord Victualis, publicly repented, then fell and writhed on the floor in glossolallia, overcome with the blessing of the Lord

Scientists at the Avar Institute of Equestrian Studies today unveiled the new breakthrough they are extremely proud of, the "stirrup".

"This will revolutionise mounted warfare" enthused Danijal Hosk, the leading researcher on the team. "Once armed with a stirrup, our cavalry will be unbeatable, fleet on the field and sure in the saddle."

To all appearances, the "stirrup" is but a humble halfcircle of iron, mounted on a leather strap. After refusal by the researchers to reveal how one is used, this reporter retired to a nearby field with some fellow journalists, and experimented with a stirrup.

After many efforts, we must report this a failure. Whether swung overhand or sidearm, or even underhand, we could not muster sufficient force to even crack an unarmoured slaves' skull, let alone a hardheaded warrior encased in iron.
 

The King and Prince of Alwa today initiated a new social program, called "Mercy and Justice for All", and consisting of setting up Ministries to distribute food and clean water to all the citizens.

The announcement was greeted with jubilation by the Christian clergy of the towns, as showing that the King's conversion proceeded from the heart, and not from expedient policy.

The Vizier Alhomb has emphasised however, that this program is limited to citizens of Alwa, and stringent efforts would be devoted to detecting fraud and eliminating fraudsters. Furthermore, any rioters, and their relatives, would be ineligible for distributions under this program.

When asked to comment, the Magister of Aegypt responded: " Another blatant effort to bribe the population in to submission. I expect it to have no more effect than last years' doomed 'Kill a Roman for peace' program."