August17th, 1999

August 17th...There has been alot going on the past few days and it isn't very good. Not good at all.*shakes head* Well, it was either Saturday night or someday around there that I was sitting down by the lake just looking at the stars. I was just so relaxed, thinking...and my eyes started welling up with tears. I knew at that point that I wasn't going to hear from Brian anymore. I just got this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I came up to the house and I wrote Nick an email telling him that I knew Brian wasn't going to come back online. I was just bawling and I was so confused and scared and hurt. That night I sat outside for hours just listening to the quiet. I didn't want to deal with any one or anything.
The next day I checked my mail and Nick had written me back. He said *it's not that Brian doesn't love you but he has a girlfriend. they've been together for a while and i think he is afraid to throw that away* Then he went on to tell me how Brian has changed and he has kinda flipped out over this whole situation. Nick said that Brian can't talk to anyone without yelling anymore. He told me that he thinks Brian is making a bad choice and that he thinks Brian realizes that too. Nick said *brian is smart. he will realize what he is doing* So that kind of makes me feel a little better knowing that Nick thinks that Brian will come around in time. But there is always that chance that he won't. What if he is gone for good? I just feel like this huge chunk of me is gone.
Now, when I talk to Nick, it is so hard because I want to ask how Bri is or say hi to him but I know that I can't. I can't say a word about him. I don't know how to handle it. Part of me wants to just stay off of the puter and avoid the whole thing but I could never do that. I still have my friendship with Nick and besides, I promised myself that I would never turn my back on Brian and I never ever will. Even though this is a tough situation I will find a way to make it work...somehow.
Since that first night that I had the feeling I haven't been able to cry. I have no tears. I don't feel anything. I am not sad, mad, happy...nothing. I am numb. I just go through my day in a daze, just floating around, but I never stop thinking about Brian. I just hope that where ever he is that he is ok and happy. I never meant to put him through all this pain and confusion. I can't help the fact that he does love me. It isn't wrong to be in love with someone but it is wrong to turn your back on a love that's true. I don't know what is going to happen in the future but I hope that things get easier.
Each night before I go to bed I say my prayers and I always end them by sending a hug to Brian. Even though he may be laying next to her I hope that sometimes he does think of me. I don't know how I am going to get over him but I guess I have no choice. Brian chose her, not me, I need to get over it and I will eventually. But for now, I will just pout. *pOuTs*


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