August 22nd, 1999

August 22nd...I have been getting a few emails from you guys wondering what actually happened between me and Brian so I have decided to show you guys a letter that I got from NIck not too long ago. I wrote to Nick that night that I had that terrible feeling that I wouldn't talk to Brian again and this is what he wrote back...

It's not that Brian doesn't care about you, it's just that he has a girlfriend. I wish he would think about what he's doing, he is so mixed up about things. He loves you, but he's with someone else, and I think he's just afraid to leave her. They've been together for a long time, and I don't think he wants to throw that away, but I think he could have made a better choice. He just needs time to think about things and figure out what he really wants. He's really flipped out about this, I think he knows he's doing the wrong thing. He won't talk to me or anyone else without yelling and getting upset. But he's not stupid, he'll see what he's doing sometime.

Just knowing that Brian does love me makes me feel so wonderful inside but then it makes everything so much harder knowing that I can't talk to him anymore. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do...trying to forget about him even though we both care for eachother. Why do we have to forget? Not only did I lose the person that I love, I lost one of my very best friends. There are no words that I can use to describe how I am feeling...I don't know what I am feeling. Part of me is devastated. Part of me is mad as hell. Part of me wants to keep on fighting. Part of me wants to forget it all. I am being pulled in so many different directions.
Nick said that Brian is having a really tough time with all of this and that he has changed. I never ever meant to hurt him in any way. I just wish that he would have come to me himself and told me how he was feeling and what was going on rather than just leaving without a word. He told me that he loved me once but I didn't belive him because I knew that he was with his girlfriend and he never said it again. Now, I believe that he does love me--even though he is with her. I don't know what is going to happen next. Maybe Brian will realize that he is doing the wrong thing and come back to me like Nick said...maybe not. I just want him to be happy...that's all I have ever wanted for him. He is an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out, and he deserves nothing but the best. I guess there is nothing much for me to do but wait...but for how long? What if he has forgotten me? But if he cared about me like Nick says he did, how could he forget me? Maybe, he sits and thinks about me sometimes, like I think of him. *smiles* I just wish that he would come back to me, even just as friends, just some way for him to be in my life.
Last night I had a dream that Brian and I were watching a movie together. We were sitting on my couch, he was leaning up against the arm rest part and I was sitting between his legs with my head on his chest. He had his hands laying on my stomach and my hands were on top of his. We were just together. Happy. I usually don't remember my dreams but I do remember this one and it was so nice. So perfect...I want it. More than ever, but I don't know how to get back to him, what can I do? *shakes head* Nothing. It is up to him to come back now. He needs to want it. He needs to want me...
Maybe this time apart is a good thing. Maybe it is making him realize how much he misses me. Lord knows how much I miss having him to talk to...even when we talked about non sense, it just made me so happy. I read one of our old conversations earlier and it made me laugh like crazy. He just always made me happy even when I was having a horrible day he could always make me feel so much better. He rubbed my feet and rubbed my back lol no one else does that. Now my feet hurt and my back hurts and nobody will make it feel all better. *pOuTs*
I opened myself up to Brian. I showed him everything that I had inside of me. When Brian and I first started talking, I was trying to deal with my ex and everything he head put me through and one day I was talking to Brian about it and he told me that I would find someone to love me. His words touched me and took my fear away. I think I have that conversation saved so I am going to put his words on here...

FallenAngel_tlf: hold on my cell phone is ringing
bl: ok
FallenAngel_tlf: eeekkkk
FallenAngel_tlf: I just hung up on my ex!
bl: uh oh
FallenAngel_tlf: why for is he calling me?
FallenAngel_tlf: uhhhhhh!
FallenAngel_tlf: i really don't like him
FallenAngel_tlf: he's scary
bl: tell him not to call anymore
FallenAngel_tlf: I have about a million times
bl: he won't?
FallenAngel_tlf: he left a note on my windsheild of my car when I got off of work
FallenAngel_tlf: no he won't leave me alone
FallenAngel_tlf: I am afraid of him
bl: did you tell some one?
FallenAngel_tlf: yeah, i told my boss
bl: did your boss help you?
FallenAngel_tlf: oh, you mean tell someone that I am afraid of him
bl: yeah
FallenAngel_tlf: everyone knows
FallenAngel_tlf: he keeps telling me that he has changed
FallenAngel_tlf: but his temper is a part of him and that won't change
bl: that's not good
FallenAngel_tlf: In the letter he said that he sees me out all of the time and he just stands back and watches me and he is jealous of all the people I am with bc he knows that he will never be that close to me again
FallenAngel_tlf: I am so paranoid now it's not funny
bl: why won't he just stay away?
FallenAngel_tlf: bc he knows that I always was faithful and I really cared for him and he treated me really bad and He doesn't think that I am being fair to him
FallenAngel_tlf: he can't face reality
bl: that's terrible
FallenAngel_tlf: I just want someone to care about me and respect me, but I also want my space..I don't want to be bossed around like I used to be with him
FallenAngel_tlf: I am so afraid that I will never find someone
FallenAngel_tlf: I am afraid to let people get that close to me
FallenAngel_tlf: I don't want to be hurt again
FallenAngel_tlf:
bl: there's someone who is going to be there for you and he's gonna love you and protect you and he's not going to let you get hurt
bl: just wait a bit
FallenAngel_tlf: I hope so, I just wish that I could find him
FallenAngel_tlf: I need someone
bl: he'll show up sometime
FallenAngel_tlf: I hope you are right
FallenAngel_tlf: but how will i know?
FallenAngel_tlf: I don't let people close to me anymore
FallenAngel_tlf: you and nick are the exceptions...but that's it
bl: it might be someone you already know.
FallenAngel_tlf: I don't know if I can trust anyone
FallenAngel_tlf: maybe...
FallenAngel_tlf: I am hoping that things in Florida are better
FallenAngel_tlf: everyone here knows me as Danny's girl
FallenAngel_tlf: and they won't ever change that
bl: things in florida are gonna be awesome.you won't be known as anything when you get there
bl: anything bad anyway
FallenAngel_tlf: yeah, I can't wait
FallenAngel_tlf: it'll be great
FallenAngel_tlf: plus I will know you and nick too
bl: yeah what are we gonna do with you guys?
FallenAngel_tlf: I dunno...
bl: what do you wanna do when you come?
FallenAngel_tlf: what can we do?
FallenAngel_tlf: lol
bl: lot of things.we can play basketball or go shopping or rollerblading
bl: a whole bunch of stuff
FallenAngel_tlf: okay, y'all just surprise us
bl: ok
bl: lol

Now when I sit back and read what he said to me it so crazy to think that I did find someone, someone I already knew...Brian. Did he know it would be him? I guess I will never know for sure. I just wonder why I didn't realize what he could have meant by all of that. He loves me. Honestly. Right or wrong. *smiles*


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