I don't know how many of you are familiar with the pamphlet A Modest Proposal, but this was written in the same spirit for the same purpose. If you have not read, or are familiar with A Modest Proposal, I suggest you read a critique on it before evaluating this piece.

Dear senators, do we not walk from our homes every day and see the teeming masses huddled in oblivious misery? Do you not walk from this very building and hear the wretched song of the poor assault your ears as they cry after you in a pitiful pleading for your loose change? This very city, the city of our great nation's capitol, is an overcrowded warren of these lamentable, shiftless people--a veritable nation unto themselves. No government looks out for them. They do not find their beloved Uncle Sam stuffing tax refund forms in their mail-boxes. No one cares if they have enough, or any at all. No, we just turn our eyes away and hope that someone else does something about them. They are a blight on our nation and our conscience, not only here, but in every city.

There they sit, the people of America that we have turned our backs on. As a former governor and city zoning official, I am aware of the scope of the problems that the overcrowding of our city slums cause. As a doctor of Sociology, I feel that I am very qualified to present a solution that will end this suffering for generations to come. Hopefully, perhaps we can carve off this sliver of the pain and suffering that humanity must endure for good. The poverty stricken masses huddled in their makeshift homes, searching for meaning, or perhaps just a scrap to eat. I say poverty stricken, because that is what they are-stricken by the terrible disease of Poverty, a disease that spreads every day, increasing the numbers of the already crowded slums. Burdening society with a useless weight, eating our population from the inside out, like a cancer. And like a cancer, it must be cut out-removed and destroyed for the good of saving the patient.

What I propose, quite logically and practically Ladies and Gentlemen, is the eradication of the disease of poverty. The plan that I place before you is one of good sense and is very reasonable. Sometimes a part of society must suffer to save the whole. In any case, what good are the poor? They are a bottomless pit sucking our resources into oblivion, yet always they increase. But if we eliminate them entirely, they will cease to be a problem altogether. It is for their own good, as well as ours. Certainly they can not value their worthless existence, these shiftless, pointless, dirty, ragged poor! They have given up already and left themselves a burden on the rest of society, who must drag them along. Yet, we keep funding them! What message is this giving to them? To our children? We must act now if we hope to solve this problem.

What I propose is that a system be implemented in 1998 that sends out a notice with that year's tax forms. Anyone whose income exceeds the poverty level by ten percent will receive a notice to visit one of our locations nationwide to receive their tax returns and an inoculation for a virus that seems to be spreading. Those of the population whose income does not meet the standard will not receive a notice and will hereby not receive inoculations. Each family will only be given enough to inoculate that household. In the year 2000 the government will release a fatal virus that will eradicate anyone not inoculated. Thus, those at the poverty level and below will quickly be eliminated by fatal viral infection.

The advantages which result from this plan are enormous. Most obviously, there will be no more poor. The lower class will be completely exterminated leaving only the middle and upper classes. The United States will be one have the wealthiest population in the world. No more will the white steps of our capitol be stained with the rags of the poor and wandering beggars. No more will we have to support overcrowded slums where children grow up diseased, ignorant, and hungry. We will be eliminating the lowest one fifth of our population.

The second great advantage of this plan is also how we will fund it. With the poor gone, there will be no need for welfare. Billions of dollars per year will be freed to renovate and redevelop the vacated slums into nice suburban neighborhoods where nice, clean, well educated children will play. This will also eliminate a large percentage of crime and drug related issues. This will further free millions off tax dollars from the crime prevention budget. Most of the slums were fire hazard areas which will reduce spending in the area of emergency services. The relief to the budget will be incalculable. Probably, the most long-lasting and important effect will be the positive impact that it leaves on future generations. If we eliminate a large portion of the useless class of society, think of the room it will leave for the next generations. There will be no overcrowding. There will be more jobs. There will be a safer environment for our children and their children, better neighborhoods and houses. Think of the incentive to be successful that we will impress on the younger generations. The United States will become more competitive in every market around the world. There will be a significantly lower immigration rate of burdensome refugees. The advantages are nearly innumerable.

This plan is the only logical answer to the ever-growing problem that we face. Will we leave the exacerbated problem to our children? Will we just throw more money into new programs to "help the poor?" Will we simply institute more statewide rehabilitation programs? Yes, they do seem to have a small percentage of success, but look at the rate at which the problem grows. We must take logical steps to secure the future of our nation and end the threat of the United States becoming a third world nation.

The pamphlet A Modest Proposal was written by Jonathan Swift during the Potato Famine. It was a similar style article that suggested raising children as food to alleviate the overcrowding, famine, and poverty of Ireland. People during that time did not understand that the article was the supreme satirical attempt to point out that people were so used to the filth of the lower class, that they had taught themselves not to see it. The article was intended to hold a mirror up to the peoples' attitudes, and make them realise that what they were doing was no better than what Mr. Paine was proposing in the article.

--Mortal

Proprietor of the Tendo Kasumi School of Philosophy