Suicide
By: Sailor Jes
E-mail: Sailor Jes@aol.com
As told by Chiba Mamoru during the R season.
"The course of true love never did run smooth."
-William Shakespeare
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Suicide. The dictionary defines it only as intentional, self-inflicted death. What does it know? Can those words describe what killing yourself means? I know what suicide is...
Suicide is when you look down into the sincerest, most sparkling blue eyes that exist on the most radiant face in the whole universe. It's telling the girl who owns those immaculate eyes and face, that girl who you've already died for, oh, so many times, that girl who, with one faint smile, can sooth the wound of my lonliness, that you don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. As if it were a choice. Ha! Suicide is witnessing a smile, a pure look of ecstatic joy, morph into a half-grin of disbelief, and then plummet to a gaze of heart-wrenching horror. When those watery sapphire eyes rip your heart into shreds and that fragile, sweet, delicate voice asks if she's hearing you right. When you have to freeze your soul and robotically affirm yourself while, in desperation, you attempt to convince your heart its for her own good. When you turn your back on her as she whimpers your name and then breaks down into stunned tears. When half of you screams go to her, hold her, kiss her, wipe away her pain and tell her everything's alright but your other half commands you to keep marching away. Like a soldier. Just walk away...
The dictionary might classify as murder, intentionally causing the death of another person. And what does the dictionary know? Words lie. They conceal the truth, masking pecious emotions like sugar on bitter fruit. Companionship, trust, love. Feelings. Realitites. All these things she brings to me. All these and so much more. How could I sever the bond between us when I need her so much? Like the deserts need the rain, or the rose, the sun. What is it about us, Usako? Why do we do this to ourselves? Or, rather, why do I do this to you? Why do I do this to me? Our love brings so much pain. Yet, we always run back to each other, like moths to a flame; always with an unparalleled devotion. Wait for me, Usako. Just one more time. I hurt you, I know, but am I bleeding too.
I killed myself when I pushed her away. Because she *is* my life. Intentional, self-inflicted death. That's what this is. Death. When you can't see or hear or feel. And your body becomes rigid and cold. The abscence of breath and heartbeat. Caused by myself...willingly. My poison is her love. And the loss of it.
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The usual disclaimer applies. I don't own the rights to the characters or all that, but this story is mine! Please don't post it without my permission.
I'm not sure why I wrote this. I was in a pensive mood and somehow I came to thinking about how awful Mamoru must have felt about having to break up with Usagi, all of his guilt, and even his own pain. So, I tried to write a sketch of it and put everything I thought he would think into this "essay," which might be the reason some of it doesn't "flow" is because thought isn't always logical. I'll probably try to revise it in the future.
Now, to another issue. I apologize GREATLY for the lack of timeliness on Act 5 of "Always Watching You." (Thanks Jade for keeping me on track!) I got a new computer and the file got lost somewhere in the file-transferring process and I had to start again from scratch so...you get the idea. But expect it in 2-3 weeks.
Um...I guess that's it for now. Please tell me what you think, even if it's just a few words. I always love hearing from people.
Jaa ne!
Jessi-chan
*Very proud member of STAR!!!
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