Ranma had an epiphany. No, it wasn't fatal, at least not for
him. Nothing special happened to him, no monumentous event, no
mind-altering drugs, bad cooking, wierd curse/magic/other, not even
a strategic or unfortunate blow to the head. He was sleeping and
then he woke up and looked at the ceiling. That's when it hit him
(no, not the ceiling! and no, not Akane's hammer either. Really!
She's not as violent as all that! the epihpany, the epiphany hit
him): the major thorn in his side, the cause of many of his
troubles, and if not the cause, then making things worse. The one
who always took advantage of him, who misled him, misled others
about him, who was cruel to him because it was fun, or to "teach
him a lesson."
There was no way to get around it. He had to do it, had to get
rid of the source of most of his troubles.
Nabiki Tendo must die.
From the same twisted mind who gave you "Saint Ukyo," a Stinking
Rat-Bastard production...
Nabiki Tendo Must Die
There was only one problem, as Ranma saw it: how? The Tendos
probably wouldn't like it if he just went up to Nabiki and
slaughtered her right in front of them... the mess he'd make just
wouldn't be right (and Kasumi's been starting to cackle maniacly
and ask if people want back-rubs while she's been slicing the
vegetables for a salad. Definitely got to keep on her nice side for
a while), and they might take it personally. On the upside, Akane
would finally get all her clothes Nabiki "borrowed" back, and she'd
also probably get Nabiki's room, which was bigger than her own, so
Akane might not be too horrified....
What about old man Tendo? One less mouth to feed, one less
daughter to marry off (even though she did get all these guys from
North America hitting on her all the time), and one less obstacle
to The Marriage. Ranma was sure if he mentioned that last one that
Soun wouldn't mind too much, either.
Still though, it just wouldn't be right. He'd have to make it
look like an accident.... During a fight with someone, a stray
weapon, flying debris... the possibilities were there, but she
usually didn't hang around to watch a fight.
Ranma went down the stairs to the breakfast table, a slightly
contemplative look (aw hell, when's Ranma ever looked
contemplative? let's face it, it was a distracted look) on his
face. Genma noticed it, and used the opportunity to snag some more
food off Ranma's plate. Unfortunately, Akane tried to cook a bit
again and Genma snatched the part that Akane cooked from Ranma's
plate. He spent the next while getting acquainted with Mr. Happy
Stomach Pump on his face.
"What's with the look on your face, Ranma?" asked Akane, also
not oblivious to Ranma's new expression.
"What's that word that means you just had a sudden realisation
where the whole world seems to shift its perspective and it
crystalises and becomes so simple and obvious you have to wonder
why you didn't see it before?"
"Have you been eating any of those magic mushrooms of Shampoo's
again, Ranma?" asked Soun, who was really just trying to score some
of his own since Kasumi had found his private stash when cleaning
his bedroom one day and confiscated it for her own use.
"Hunh? No!"
"Been talking to Kodachi then? Ever since she got over that
black rose obsession of hers and took up poppies, I swear that...,"
Soun trailed off and eventually sopped talking when he noticed an
engaging article in the newspaper on curling; Japan looked like its
women's curling team might be a contender this year.
"I think the word you're looking for is 'epiphany,' Ranma"
supplied Nabiki, for a cost to be negotiated later (assuming she
lived long enough to collect, of course).
"Ain't that somethin' above or over your ass?" wondered Ranma
out loud.
"No, that would be epi-fanny," corrected Kasumi, who knew a
whole lot about the gluteus maximus since it was often a very
tender cut of meat on a perso... piece of beef.
"Okay, that then."
"So? Do tell, Ranma," said Nabiki, eager for more material to
taunt Ranma with.
"Nah, its personal. 'sides, not sumpin' you'd be int'rested in,
Nabiki." Car accident, and perhaps he could break his collarbone,
to make it look like he tried to save her? Nah, no one'd believe
that one.
Ranma wandered off, doing a credible Ryoga impression (except
for the hair, the bandanna, and the enlarged canines that is... oh
yeah, and the "Ranma! I'll kill you" or "Ranma! Because of you I've
seen hell!" schtick, otherwise it was bang-on) as thoughts whirled
around inside his head.
The problem, as Ranma saw it, was not one of whether Nabiki
deserved to die, or even really how to kill her, those were
relatively simple questions. The problem was how to kill her
without getting everyone else pissed off at him.
Maybe Shampoo or the ghoul could help. Ranma nodded to himself
and made his way towards the Nekohanten. He quickly backed out of
the Nekohanten and ran for his dear life when he looked inside.
Ranma shuddered. Love potions gone wrong were a Very Bad Thing.
The whips, the chains, the leather, and that was just Cologne,
nevermind Mousse and Shampoo! Ranma started rubbing his arms.
Dirty, he felt so dirty and he needed to shower. Repeatedly. With
lots and lots of soap and disinfectant. He looked at his hands.
"Out, damn spot! Out!" Ranma cried.
Ukyo heard Ranma, possibly because he was outside the door to
her shop. "What's wrong, Ranma?"
Ukyo. Good old reliable, best-of-friends,
would-never-hurt-Ranma-let's-just-forget-about-those-ten-years-hunt
ing-him-down-for-revenge Ukyo. The cute, kind, cute, understanding,
cute and extremely charming fiancee. Did I mention cute? Ukyo would
certainly help Ranma out. "Ukyo! I need to borrow your shower! I
saw something at the Nekohanten and...." Ranma began to pale as
memory of what he saw came back to him. How exactly did they manage
that bit with the Fig Newtons and the copper tubing anyway?
"You poor dear!" Ukyo exclaimed (in case you didn't notice the
exclamation point). "I, your incredibly cute, understanding,
charming, and all around better fiancee shall help you out! Of
course you may use my shower! Afterwards, I shall have an
incredibly good okinomiyaki with the phrase 'I love Ran-chan' on
it, which you will proceed to ignore, causing me to spiral deeper
and deeper into depression until I go on a murderous rampage or
kill myself, unless I am killed by someone else first!"
"Oh, thank you most
wonderful-and-benevolent-fiancee-whom-I-will-continue-to-ignore-for
-the-sexless-and-violent-one-because-I-must-be-a-closet-masochist-
or-something-like-that! I will take you up on your offer! But my
troubles do not end there!"
"Tell me about them inside, Ranma. I'll get started on the
okinomiyaki with the message on it that you won't notice right
now!"
Ranma nodded and began to follow Ukyo inside, when the building
collapsed upon her. Ranma held her limp and broken body in his
hands and cried out to the heavens, "Why? Why? It was too early!
She shouldn't have died right now! Not now, not before I got a
chance to, before I got a chance to...."
Ukyo opened her eyes and gasped out, "Before you got a chance
to tell me your true feelings?" Ukyo leapt to her feet. "I feel
better already, Ranma! It was just a scratch, that's all!"
Ranma looked quizzically at Ukyo. "No, before I got a chance to
eat the okinomiyaki you were going to cook for me."
Ukyo collapsed on the ground, and died from the shock. A
mailbox somewhere started to weep, until a couple of rowdy kids
uprooted it and dumped it into the canal.
Who else was left to help Ranma? Kodachi, he supposed, but the
last time he was over at the Kuno mansion to see her, well, he
accidentally wandered into a very touching brother-sister moment...
although they were doing more than merely touching, let me tell
you! In its own way, it was just as bad as the whole
Mousse/Cologne/Shampoo thing, especially the bit where Kodachi took
her brother's bokken and started to-- Ranma cut that line of
thought off before it could turn into something revolting and yet
strangely fascinating, the same way a car-wreck is fascinating.
A sigh escaped Ranma's lips-- not hard to do considering his
big mouth. This day was wasted. Might as well go back to the dojo,
maybe something would come to him there.
Ranma bumped into Nabiki as he entered the Tendo household.
Nabiki wore a by far too-tight t-shirt and extremely short
short-shorts. Ranma just glared at her. Nabiki had on her usual
sensuously sarcastic smirk as she tilted her head back a bit to
look into Ranma's eyes.
"Why do you toment me so?" Ranma murmurred, not really meaning
for Nabiki to hear.
Nabiki, of course, heard. "Because, it's so much fun and it's
so easy!"
Ranma's left eye started to twitch. "It's fun? It's fun?" he
thundered, voice rising in pitch volume as he continued. "All the
hell you've inflicted upon me, just because you're bored?"
"Well, not just that," Nabiki admitted. "The truth? The real
truth? I want you. I love you, Ranma. I love your body, whether it
be your hard masculine lines or your seductively sensual feminine
curves, you are beautiful beyond compare. I love your sense of
honour, I love the way you talk, I love every single little bit
about you."
"So you put me through this hell because you love me?" Ranma
said dangerously.
Nabiki nodded. "Because I can't have you, and I know that.
That's why I sell pictures of you, why I set you up like that, why
I make fun of you. What else could I do?"
Ranma looked goggle-eyed at Nabiki, who just looked at him
coquettishly. "I... I... didn't know," he managed to stammer out.
Nabiki laughed and patted Ranma on the cheek. "I can't believe
you actually fell for that, Ranma-baby. Don't change, I really mean
that."
And then it came to Ranma, what to do about Nabiki. His eyes
glittered coldly as he looked at Nabiki's retreating figure. "Thank
you Nabiki, I understand everything now," and he did.
Ranma walked into the kitchen. Kasumi was there, chopping
vegetable with a razor-sharp cleaver. The knife was large, larger
than necessary for chopping vegetables, but no one was going to
tell Kasumi this. Ranma cleared his throat, letting Kasumi know he
was there.
She turned around, eyes smoldering (probably from the onions
she had finished cutting earlier). "Yes, Ranma? Is there something
you wanted."
Ranma noted Kasumi still held the cleaver in her hand. "Not me,
Kasumi, but Nabiki." Kasumi nodded and relaxed slightly. "She
wanted me to tell you to clean her room, because she messed it up
and couldn't be bothered cleaning it." Kasumi frowned. "Her back is
sore too-- prolly from messing up her room, I'd guess-- an' she
wanted me to ask you if you'd give her a backrub."
"She asked?" Kasumi said, frowning a little more.
"Well, more like demanded, really. She wanted that backrub
right away, too. You don't mind, do you, Kasumi?" Ranma looked
extremely innocent.
"Oh, no. Not at all," Kasumi looked distracted. "Do you know
where the plastic tarpaulin is?" she asked, non-chalantly.
"I'll get it for you Kasumi, don't worry. Where did you want
it?"
"Oh, just unfold it in the dojo, would you? Would you also be a
dear and tell Nabiki I'll give her the backrub in the dojo?"
"Of course, Kasumi," Ranma said, smiling furiously. "Anything
for you. Ask, and it shall be done."
"You're a good boy, Ranma," Kasumi nodded.
Ranma continued to smile as he left. He heard Kasumi pick up
another knife, not quite as large but with more of a point to it.
*SHING* *SHING*
After laying out the tarpaulin, Ranma went to find Nabiki.
"Nabiki," Ranma said, finding her lounging indolently in front
of the television set. "Kasumi said she wanted to see you in the
dojo for a second. You don't mind, do you?"
Nabiki shook her head and yawned. She got up slowly, stretching
langourously across the floor.
*SHING* *SHING*
Just because Ranma didn't, as a rule, hit girls doesn't mean
they can get away with treating him badly. Ranma started humming to
himself as he thought about getting something nice for Kasumi.
Something she might appreciate. A knife sharpener, perhaps.
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