"Ranma!" the demon thundered, her sledgehammer ready to pound him into submission for yet another minor transgression, "Come back here!"
Ranma fled the wrath of the short-haired demon and her noxious experiments in what was loosely termed "cooking" (although that implied something edible, which was not a term one could even charitably apply to Akane's cooking). Ranma took one look at the (no, I refuse to call it food, that's just too much a travesty) mostly organic compounds (and even then I may be stretching it a bit), and ran, engaging in the "flight" part of the "flight or fight" reflex.
Unfortunately for Ranma, this reflex didn't really have a destination in mind, and so he found himself trapped in a corner, with the oversized hammer and the mostly organic compounds being wielded by someone who obviously had his worst interests at heart.
Just when things were at their darkest for Ranma, he heard... Harpo? No, wait... that can't be right. For one thing, Harpo was a Marx brother, and he didn't talk. For another, Harpo was dead, and you know what they say about dead Harpos. Harp! That's the word I was looking for! Ranma heard harps.
Saint Ukyo descended, come to rescue Ranma from the horrible life he was about to end with Akane, whose fury had surpassed apoplectic proportions some time ago.
"I have come to take you to a better life Ranma. One where you can practise your martial arts, and feed on okinomiyaki whenever you wish, lovingly made by me, you cute, dependable, unselfish, kind-hearted fiancee," Saint Ukyo said with her kind, dulcet voice.
"Wait!" screeched the harridan Akane. "You can't be a saint! For one, becoming a saint happens after you die!" Fire and brimstone came out of Akane's foul mouth, escorting her harsh voice.
Saint Ukyo looked perplexed. "You're right, o not-as-nice-as-I-but-God loves-everyone-and-you-must-have-some-sort-of-redeemable-quality-although-I don't-know-what-it-is-other-fiancee of my beloved Ranma. Whatever shall we do about that?" Saint Ukyo asked, her loving tones and words a balm on Ranma's ragged soul. Merely basking in her divine presence was rejuvenating him.
The foul demoness smiled. "I know just the thing," she grated out, hefting her hammer menacingly.
A savage blow to the head, and it was over. Ranma quailed anew at the sight of the fair Saint Ukyo's brains, bits of skull, and various other bit of her head adorned the head of the evil Akane's hammer.
"Now, where were we?" the evil one smiled.
Ranma prayed, asking Saint Ukyo to help him in his hour of need, and it came. The wall next to the hell-spawn Akane collapsed, and after the dust cleared, a figure could be made out. A figure holding... ...oh bugger, can't remember the word. You know. Whatsisname again. The thingy. Holds food. Takeout box! That's it! A figure holding a takeout box! And let me tell you, what a figure! Hubba-hubba! More curves than something with a whole lot of curves. And the figure spoke.
"Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo come with too-too delicious Ramen for you. You eat and then take Shampoo on date, yes?" the figure (Shampoo, if you haven't guessed by now) bubbled out with glee.
The demon Akane had been underneath the collapsing wall, and did not survive. Ranma was so overjoyed that he was spared, that he exclaimed joyfully, "No Shampoo, I won't date you. Instead, I'll marry you!"
"Aiyah!" Shampoo ran to Ranma and gave him a near bone-crushing hug, which he returned. "Shampoo so happy! We go get great grandmother now! We no pass go, we no collect two hundred dollars. We no even stop for regular opium delivery!" Face it, we all know all about Shampoo and Cologne and about their drugs, right? What else do you think these rare herbs and potions are? Yeah, they supply to the yakuza, an in exchange they make a tidy profit, and don't have to worry about Immigration on their backs or anything.
Anyway, Ranma and Shampoo got married, and due to another miracle from Ukyo, Mousse gave up on Shampoo and married Kodachi, who adapted his Hidden Weapon style to her Rhythmic Gymnastics. Ukyo was beautified, and had a Papal investigation, which found the two events (Ranma's being saved by Shampoo, and Mousse's marriage) to be miracles, and Ukyo was canonised in due time, becoming a saint in truth.
-The End-
The moral of this story is that you shouldn't do drugs. After all, if a mind not on drugs could come up with this, what do you think a mind on drugs could do?
^_^
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