WARNINGS: OOC, yaoi, profanity, poor taste, nudity, and chocolate sauce, not necessarily in that order. All characters are property of CLAMP and scary business guys in suits who could probably use a hand with their ties, too.

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It is yet another ordinary morning not too far from the end of the world. In a small private lodging on the edge of CLAMP Campus, two Dragons of Heaven are rousing themselves to meet the day.

Subaru: Time for school?
Kamui: Yeah. ...Um, Subaru?
Subaru: Hm?
Kamui: I'm having a little trouble with the tie again.
Subaru: Kamui, your shirt has to go on first.
Kamui: I was having trouble with that, too.

Subaru gazes at Kamui, his single emerald eye dark with contemplation.

Subaru: ...Actually, underwear is probably the place to start.
Kamui: I could skip class.
Subaru: Not AGAIN.

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Slightly later that morning, Kamui rushes to catch up with his fellow Dragons as they head off to school.

Sorata: *folding his arms* Kamui, we gotta talk. I was noticing that your attendance has been kinda sporadic lately.
Kamui: Um...
Sorata: Now, don't get me wrong. Subaru-san is a good guy. I mean, I can't think of anybody better qualified to despoil--er, I mean, take care of you. We already know you'll make a great wife. And just think of the double wedding we can have when Miss and I finally tie the-- OUCH!

As the Star of Kouyasan squirms in a headlock, the Hidden Shrine Maiden of Ise cooly holds Kamui's gaze.

Arashi: .......We'll discuss colors for the bridesmaids' dresses later.
Sorata: --Knot?

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Around noon, as Subaru is strolling the campus grounds and meditating, he is accosted by a tall golden-haired figure trailed by two loyal shadows.

Nokoru: Sumeragi-san! Forgive me for interrupting, but I have a very little something for you. I thought you might find it useful.
Subaru: Oh, Imonoyama-san, you're much too kind.

He unwraps the exquisite package and reads the label within.

Subaru: 'E-Z GLIDE Personal Lubrica....'
Nokoru: I apologize for my terrible presumption in selecting a brand, but Suoh and I swear by it.
Suoh: *wincing* Rijichou... there's this thing called TMI...
Akira: *beaming* I have plenty of whipped cream and fudge sauce on hand, too!

Everyone stares at him.

Akira: *blinking* For ice-cream sundaes. *concerned* Doesn't Kamui-kun like ice cream, Sumeragi-san?
Subaru: ...Ah, of course he does...

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Intermission:

Pocky and chocolate chip ice cream are available in the lobby. Please, no sex in the theatre.

Kanoe: *muffled cursing*

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Still slightly woozy, Subaru is heading back to the house when he is suddenly enveloped in a rather unseasonal swirl of sakura petals. He stops in his tracks.

Subaru: What are you doing here? I'm not interested in your games anymore.
Seishirou: *chuckling* Subaru-kun. You really have grown up at last, haven't you?
Subaru: What do you mean?
Seishirou: Well, I understand you've been making a little conquest of your own. Quite impressive, really... the most powerful of the Dragons of Heaven... the one who possesses the might of the gods... and those big shimmery purple eyes, too--
Subaru: It's no concern of yours!
Seishirou: On the contrary, I thought I'd stop by to give you a bit of friendly advice regarding this sort of thing. *smirking* From the voice of experience, you might say.
Subaru: Which is?

After an appropriate dramatic pause--

Seishirou: Let the "Kamui" be on top.

He flicks a few grains of ash from the tip of his Mild Seven.

Seishirou: You've always been such an uke, anyway.

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After escaping from class, Kamui is on his way back across campus when he sees the shadow of a once-familiar person.

Kamui: Fuu...ma....
Fuuma: *licking his ice cream cone* You're cute, aren't you, Kamui? I think I'm actually jealous of that skinny onmyouji. It's too bad you and I won't have any more chances to play, after all. But it's too late now.
Kamui: Too... late...?
Fuuma: Yeah. That damned assassin would try to feed me to the tree if I cheated on him. *muttering* Possessive bastard.
Kamui: ?
Fuuma: Anyway, gotta run. Kekkai to take down, and all that. Oh, and you might wanna fix your tie-- it's crooked. Later!
Kamui: HEY!

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Subaru has nearly made it back to sanctuary when a blond boy of high school age bursts from the bushes nearby and seizes him by the shirt.

Keiichi: YOU! It's all your fault! I almost had him! If it weren't for you...
Subaru: *taken aback* Se... Segawa-kun?
Keiichi: What, it's because your past is more tragic than mine!? He goes for sad and angsty, is that it!? I CAN'T HELP IT!!! I can't help being genki... I'm just drawn that way... *dissoves into tears*
Subaru: There, there. No, you're right, it can't be helped.

He whips an ofuda from his coat sleeve and transforms it into a radiant winged shikigami.

Subaru: But if you keep hitting on Kamui, prepare to deal with astral birdshit.

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Meanwhile, at a cafe elsewhere in Tokyo...

Karen: *sighing* Remember what I said about all the decent guys being either taken or gay?
Seiichirou: Y-yes?
Karen: Well, the worst is when they're BOTH. *thoughtfully* Although it does make for quality entertainment.
Seiichirou: *sweatdrop*

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When Kamui arrives home, someone is waiting to greet him on the couch.

Subaru: Okaeri. *smile*
Kamui: Subaru...
Subaru: Kamui...
Kamui: Subaru...
Subaru: *sigh* It's so NICE not to have the "-kun" stuck on the end.

[Pause for gratuitous make-out session. In the event of a nosebleed, complimentary tissues are located in the pocket of the seat in front of you.]

Subaru: So how was your day?
Kamui: It was kind of weird. I ran into Fuuma.
Subaru: Really? Funny, I ran into Seishirou-san.
Kamui: I think... I think they know about us.
Subaru: ...Yeah.....Does it bother you?
Kamui: ...No. We're lots cuter. Hey, what's in the box?
Subaru: A present from Imonoyama-san. Want to test it out?
Kamui: *peering at the contents* Might as well use up the other tube first, don't you think?
Subaru: Good idea.

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Sumeragi Hokuto: Well, finally. I don't know how long I've been trying to tell my brother: "What are you doing still pining after that evilly guy when you could have Kamui for breakfast any day?" Of course, he couldn't hear me from inside this stupid f*#%!ng sakura...

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*OWARI*

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This performance has been brought to you by K&SNWCS, naproxen sodium, raspberry Snapple, and Kristin's comparative lit paper. Much of the cast will be screwing backstage after the show, excepting Sorata and Arashi, who are waiting for marriage, Kanoe, who got dumped for a computer geek, and Keiichi, 'cuz who in their right mind would want to do it with HIM?

p.s. It was later suggested to me that perhaps Kanoe and Keiichi could come to some sort of arrangement. As far as I'm concerned, they can have each other.