Les Miserables

(Please note: This is "based" on Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, Les

Mizerables the Musical by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg, lyrics

by Herbert Kretzmer. All lyrics © Alain Boublil Music Ltd. Fushigi Yuugi

and characters are the property of Watase Yuu, Flower Comics, etc. Shuuichi

Minamino (Kurama) is the property of Yoshihiro Togashi, Shonen Jump Weekly,

etc. That's my disclaimer. Don't bother suing me, I don't even own my own

computer.)

(For those who know nothing of Les Miz, don't worry, the story tells itself.

Please don't be turned off by this ^_^. Let me know if you have any

questions about the original story.)

(Also, for those who have seen Les Miz or read it, this is the "condensed",

non-musical, comedy version... apologies to the purists. And I REALLY

twisted the relationships between some of the characters where necessary.)

*** *** ***

Cast:

Jean Valjean Tamahome

The Bishop of Digne Chichiri

Fantine Yui

Javert Nakago aka Nakkie-poo aka Nak

Foreman (Homeroom Teacher) Ashitare

Shuuichi Minamino Kurama aka Shuuichi Minamino

Thénadiers Soi and Tomo

Cosette Miaka

Eponine Nuriko (oops, I forgot!)

Marius Hotohori

Enjolras Tasuki

Gavroche Chiriko

Bishonen no Miko presents:

Les Miztérious Play

*** *** ***

PROLOGUE: DIGNE (french for "starting point")

Tamahome, sentenced to hard labor for stealing bread to feed his starving

family, was released on parole after working as a window washer for Nakago.

Because he had a seishi symbol on his forehead that he had to display by law,

he was condemned to be an outcast. This of course, made him mad to no end

and did bad things to his hair, but one day, he came across the Bishop of

Digne, named Chichiri, who treated him kindly, no da, and gave him shelter.

Tamahome, embittered from slaving away for Nakago, repays Chichiri by

stealing his kasa (his hat thingy :)) and was caught by Nakago, but Chichiri

told Nakago that he had given Tamahome his hat, no da, and proceeded to

hand over his monk's staff as well. Tamahome's eyes lit up and he grabbed

all the stuff and sold it to start his life anew in the modern world.

MONTREUIL-SUR-MER (french for "modern suburbia")

So now Tamahome has broken his parole and changed his name to Shuuichi

Minamino (^_^ for Yu Yu fans). He dyes his hair red and becomes a high school

principal. Among his many students was a girl named Yui. When the other

students found out that she was friends with a really ravenous chick named

Miaka, they reported her to their homeroom teacher, Ashitare, who growled

furiously and uncerimoniously failed Yui, who had been getting really good

grades until now. Yui was forced to sing a song about how jerky men were,

then decided to become a really bad idol singer. But she was still poor and

whenever she took Miaka out, Miaka ate her weight in gold, and so Yui was

forced to sell the little blue bow around her neck and her hair, which is

why it is so short. She runs into Tamahome, who feels badly that he had

hired an evil wolfman as a teacher. He promises to do something about it.

While life was sucky for Yui, it was worsening for Shuuichi aka Tamahome. He

runs into Nakago again, but Nakago does not recognize him. Instead, he tells

Tamahome that he has caught the prisoner that he was after, the infamous

seishi named Tamahome, who had the audacity to dye his hair an impossible

shade of red. Tamahome goes to see the prisoner, a redhead named Shuuichi

Minamino aka Kurama and reveals that he is the real Tamahome. Nak can't

believe it, but Tamahome shows him the "oni" symbol on his forehead and the

chase is on again.

Tamahome remembered his promise to Yui and goes to see her, even though

Nakago is hot on his trail. She is dying from starvation, having given the

last of her food to Miaka, and so she asks Tamahome to find Miaka and feed

her, since she cannot. Tamahome promises that he will do this, but then

Nakago catches up with him. They confront one another, their seishi symbols

glowing, but Chichiri reappears and grabs Tamahome and the two of them

disappear into his new kasa, no da.

MONTFERMEIL (french for "french restaurant")

Miaka has been working at a restaurant, but the restaurant owners, Soi and

Tomo, refuse to pay her because she eats too much. Tamahome finds her

eating some stolen rice behind the restaurant, and pays the couple to take

her away with him. They happily accept the paltry sum Tamahome gives them,

because they know they will save money in the long run with Miaka not being

around to eat everything. But all is not well, for Nakago has been following

all along...

PARIS (uh, french for... "back to ancient China??")

Back in Tamahome's homeland, there is trouble brewing between Konan and Kotou

countries. Nakago and Soi and Tomo follow Tamahome and Miaka back. The

emperor of Konan, Hotohori, sees Miaka and falls in love with her, but does

not know how to find her. He enlists the help of his friend Nuriko, who is

secretly in love with Hotohori-sama. He reluctantly agrees to lead Hotohori

to Miaka, and when the two meet, they fall in love (awww...). Meanwhile,

Nuriko waits outside of the secret meeting area, ringing his hands and wishing

that he was Suzaku no Miko, er... at least female. But Soi and Tomo show up,

intending to give Tamahome a hard time for not paying more for Miaka when he

took her away. Had they known she was Suzaku no Miko, they would have sold

her for a higher price. Nuriko promptly screams for help and flattens Soi

and Tomo. Hotohori freaks out and flees, leaving Miaka confused and hungry.

But back to the war brewing on the horizon. Tasuki, the leader of the Konan

army, not to mention a bunch of bandits, calls an emergency meeting to discuss

the impending war. The Suzaku Seishi are gathered, all except Tamahome, who

is the main character right now. Hotohori attends the meeting, but is

distracted by thoughts of his gluttonous empress-to-be. But everyone mocks

him for falling in love so soon before war, and on the eve of their attack,

Hotohori and Miaka can only think of each other.

As the battle begins, Hotohori sends Nuriko with a letter to Miaka, asking her

to marry him, but Nuriko runs into Tamahome, who takes the letter and is teed

off by Hotohori's advances. He arrives on the battlefield, searching for the

man who had described himself in the letter as "beautiful beyond belief."

Nuriko goes to the battlefield too, still in love with Hotohori, as does

Nakago, who is posing as Amiboshi posing as Chiriko, or something like that.

Chiriko points out that he is Chiriko, and that Nak looks nothing like

Amiboshi either, so Nakago's identity is revealed and the seishi tie him up.

Tamahome finds Hotohori and is given the chance to kill Nakago, but he frees

him instead. Nakkie-poo scurries away, really confused as to why Tamahome

would ever want to release him, but that's the way the story goes.

Because Hotohori is a half decent guy, Tamahome decides to help Konan country

out for free. When a stray attack nearly nails Hotohori, Nuriko pushes him

out of the way and takes the shot meant for Hotohori. Hotohori is very sad

that Nuriko is dying, as are all the other seishi, but then he finds out that

Nuriko is actually a guy, so he doesn't feel so bad anymore. Then Chiriko is

sent out to collect, er, bullets, or arrows, or whatever, and is killed

because the Seiryuu side doesn't feel sorry for children, and everyone else

is killed too. Everyone except Hotohori, who is rescued by Tamahome, who in

turn is conviniently rescued by Chichiri again, no da.

As they escape, Tamahome runs into Nakago again, who still can't get why

Tamahome didn't kill him. He licks Tamahome on the face, but Tamahome still

won't kill him. He kisses Tamahome, but Tamahome still won't kill him, even

though he is very disturbed by the course this story is taking. So Nakago

tells Tamahome the sad story about his childhood and about his fear of small

yellow birds, then tells Tamahome that he loves him and jumps off a bridge

because he knows that Tamahome doesn't share his feelings. The writer is

very sad to see Nakkie-poo jump off the bridge to his death and has to be

forcibly restrained from following him and leaving the story unfinished...

Hotohori recovers under Miaka's care, but is unaware that Tamahome saved him.

Tamahome won't tell him because he is ashamed of his past and tells Hotohori

that once he and Miaka marry, he will leave the court to earn money elsewhere.

At the Hotohori-Miaka wedding, Soi and Tomo show up uninvited and try to ruin

everything by telling Hotohori and Miaka that Tamahome is a murderer by

showing them the Hotohori's ring (? never understood this part), not

realizing that he was the emperor. Hotohori realizes that Tamahome was the

one who saved him. He and Miaka confront Tamahome, who admits the truth and

reminds Tamahome that they are, after all, only storybook characters. So the

seishi are all reunited again, thanks to the writer's wild imagination, and

they sing about how stupid this story was. And Hotohori and Miaka got a

divorce, as did Soi and Tomo, and Miaka married Tamahome and Soi married

Nak, and the writer went chasing after Soi and Nak and tried to break up their

little union.

THE END!!

Author's notes: I know, Les Miz by definition is NOT a comedy, but this was

just for fun. And for the challenge of it, I suppose. Next will be "Phantom

of the Makai" starring the cast of YYH.

HEY! (Blatent plug) If you have a webpage showing anyone evil (any Seiryuu

people count) in a good light, please join my new webring: The Wickedly Cool

Evil Ring of Anime. It's at:

"http://www.oocities.org/Tokyo/Flats/4814/revil.html"

If anyone wants to reach me, come to my Shrine of Bishonen at:

http://www.aestheticism.com/visitors/Miko/

or you can e-mail me at:

bishonennomiko@rocketmail.com

Bishonen no Miko, May 7, 1997