The Blank: The story's narrator. Wears a white top hat, a white tuxedo, white socks, white shoes, white cane, white face mask that hides the entire head. As the name states, blank. There is no prerequisite age, race or sex for whomever plays The Blank.

Nada: Our female lead. A Left.

Cero: Our male lead. A Right.

Kali: Owns the local burger stand.

Baka: Leader of the Lefts. Like all the Lefts, a woman.

Narr: Leader of the Rights. Like all Rights, a man.

A Right: Name says it all.

A Left: It's all in the name.

Another Right: 'Nuff said.

Another Left: Ditto

The stage is empty except for a city backdrop as the lights come up and The Blank enters, whistling, swinging his cane. Once he reached center stage he stops and faces the audience, leaning on his cane.

The Blank: (happily) Well, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm of no consequence (beat), and I'll be your guide for this sordid little morality tale. Let me welcome you to this charming little town. In case you didn't intend to arrive here, allow me to bring you up to speed. This quaint little burg (gestures behind him) is the good town of MiddleOf, located in the fine state of Nowhere. Population, (spends several seconds counting on his fingers) more than one, less than a million. I'm never to sure of where the exact count stands, since Middleof suffers from the same patterns of birth etc, that you're all used to; plus, it's ailing from a nasty entropic effect that I'll speak more on in a bit. I suppose you could call it a fairly nice place to live. The paint on the white picket fences is peeling, and the grass in the yards is a bit more brown than green, but… (shrugs nonchalantly) Anyway, about the entropy I was talking about earlier: besides what I just mentioned, there is another thing that keeps MiddleOf from making the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. You see, the people have something of a gang problem here. In fact, (makes a downward slicing gesture with his hand; a ripping sound is heard; a noticeable gap appears in the middle of the backdrop) the city is divided right down the middle. The names of the gangs are the Rights, and the Lefts. The Rights claim the left side of town. The Lefts, claim the right side. (laughs and shrugs) Pretty silly, but the last person who tried to point that out to them…well… the coroner's report stated that the cause of death was the rapid replacement of most of his body mass by lead. The two gangs have even built a wall right through the center of town, which also mean that some of their favorite hangouts are contested territory and since neither side was willing to cede to the other, well, let's just say that when they mingle, things tend to get messy. Anyway, now that you know about the town, I suppose that it’s time to introduce some of the principalities.

The scene opens in Kali's Bar and Grill. A counter with a sign over it that reads Kali's B&G is set center stage. Chairs and tables are set up to the left and right of the counter. Kali has her back to the audience, apparently working over a grill as a spatula can be periodically seen in her hand. All the seats are occupied, the Rights sitting stage left, the Lefts sitting stage right.

Kali: Six big burgers! (sets a plate on the counter)

A Right: (goes to the counter) Ah, thanks Kali, you got those RIGHT on time. (the Rights snigger as he goes back to the table and passes around the plate).

Kali: Six big burgers with cheese! (sets a plate on the counter)

A Left: (goes to the counter) Wait, let me make sure you haven't LEFT anything out. (the Lefts snigger as she counts the burgers, then passes the plate around).

Another Right: (one of the Rights drops his burger) Man, you seem to have LEFT home without your brain. (the Rights laugh noisily, angry grumbles from the Lefts)

Another Left: (several Lefts are whispering together, then they all sit back and laugh loudly) You mean I wasn't wrong? She was cheating on him? Oh man, it sure sucks to be RIGHT. (the Lefts laugh noisily, angry grumbles from the Rights).

Nada and Cero enter from their respective wings. The arrive simultaneously at the counter. They jostle each other as they stand.

Kali: (sighs when she looks at them) I'll get you the usual.

Nada & Cero: (both look at each other, smirking) I guess she doesn't want to take your order.

Kali: There you go, one deluxe burger apiece.

Nada & Cero: (glance down at the burgers then back up at each other, then push away the plates) I lost my appetite. (they're hands brush as they push away their plates and they glare angrily at each other. After several seconds, their anger fades and they stare into each others' eyes.)

Right & Lefts: (chanting) Stare 'em down! Stare 'em down! (since they're unable to see Nada & Cero's faces, the two gangs assume that a staring contest is ensuing. Finally, a couple from each gang pulls the two apart and they sit down

As the scene opens, there is a waist-high wall dividing the stage in two. The Blank is sitting on top of the wall, humming tunelessly. Nada and Cero are sitting against the wall, on opposite sides, unable to see each other.

Nada: That was really strange…

Cero: That was incredibly weird…

Nada: I mean, he is a Right…

Cero: I mean, she is a Left…

Nada: But he was kind of handsome…

Cero: But she was sort of cute…

Nada: Thinking of a Right like that? Yuck. That's like thinking about kissing your brother.

Cero: Thinking about a Left like that? Gross. That's like thinking about kissing your mother.

Nada & Cero: But it's weird, I think I liked 'em.

Both notice that there is someone else talking and stand up and look over the wall.

Nada & Cero: You creep! You were spying on me!

Nada & Cero: I was not! You were spying on me!

Both turn and walk away. However, before they exit the stage, they turn and look towards each other. They begin to slowly walk towards each other, meeting at the wall as The Blank finishes speaking.

The Blank: (laughing): Ain't love grand? It looks like we have our own Romeo and Juliet here, complete with our own peculiar set of Montagues and Capulets. How exquisitely droll. Of course, the ending here might be happier than the one that the Bard wrote. (shrugs and jumps off the wall. Exits the stage, rhythmically tapping cane.)

The scene is again at the wall. The Blank is straddling the wall, Nada and Cero slowly enter from opposite wings.

Nada & Cero: (as they reach the wall) I thought that you'd be here.

Cero: It's kind of weird…

Nada: …and a little bit unusual…

Nada & Cero: But I think I like you. (The two lean on the wall and look into each other's eyes)

The Blank: (laughing) And so the plot turns, drawing in our Tristan and Isolde.

Nada: (the two draw back a few feet) You're right when you say that this isn't quite normal.

Cero: Other might think that what we're doing is a bit strange…

Nada & Cero: Like kissing cousins.

Cero: Except that we're not cousins.

Nada: But we are rivals.

The Blank: Ahh, dueling ideologies, how romantic. I hear that some countries it's an aphrodisiac.

Cero: But we're not really rivals, we just follow different ideologies, and really, what's an ideology? It's just a bunch of ideas, and ideas only have as much power as you let them. And if ideas get in the way of something you want…

Nada: Then you take the power away from the ideas and take what it is you desire. (they both walk back to the wall, lean over it, and kiss lightly).

Cero: In some countries, it's perfectly acceptable to kiss your cousin.

Nada: But we're not cousins. The only thing that's standing in our way is our ideologies.

Cero: So if we sweep them aside, then there's nothing to stand between us.

Nada & Cero: (both make sweeping motions with their arms) Then brush them aside. (they kiss again, more deeply this time).

Nada: (taking Cero's hands in hers) A romance like this…

Cero: A love like this…

Nada & Cero: Could only be the work of destiny.

The Blank: Or a hack writer.

Nada: We should go. If we were seen here, it might create…

Cero: …complications. I understand. We'll meet again, right?

The Blank: Of course they'll meet again. You can't keep a Montague apart from his Capulet… Or two dogs in heat for that matter.

Nada & Cero both exit the stage.

In the Left's hangout. Chair and tables are scattered around, occupied by various Lefts. Baka, sits in a chair that is slightly elevated above the rest of the chairs. It isn't a throne but is obviously of higher quality than the rest of the furniture. The Lefts are all talking quietly as the scene opens. As Nada enters the stage, all conversation ceases, and everyone quite obviously stares at her.

Nada: (nervously) Hey guys, what's up?

Baka: I've been hearing rumors Nada. (pulls out a lighter and attempts to light a cigarette, realizes that she isn't holding one, pulls a pack from her pocket, withdraws a cigarette, puts the pack away, but doesn't light the cigarette, instead holding it between her fingers) Questions have been raised, and when question have been raised around me, they have a way of being answered.

Nada: (innocently) I'm sure that I have no idea what you're talking about.

Baka: (coldly) No, I'm sure you don't. (in a fit of anger stands and throws the cigarette down) Do you really think I believe that!

Nada: Yes.

Baka: (at loss for words, sits down and starts to light cigarette. Realizes that she isn't holding one, and repeats the ritual from earlier, but still doesn't light the cigarette) Well, I've heard some troubling things. Things that just don't sound…Right. Do I have the Right of things? (getting angry) Am I Right on target? (yelling) Am I Right or am I Right! (throws down cigarette)

Nada: No, you're not.

Baka: (at loss for words, attempts to light cigarette. Repeat previous ritual) Well just remember, questions have been raised. (walks up to Nada) I'm keeping an eye on you. (accentuates each word by stabbing at her with the cigarette). So you'd better watch out, or else! (throws cigarette down, stomps back to her chair. Sits down and attempts to light cigarette… you know the drill)

In the Right's hangout. Chair and tables are scattered around, occupied by various Rights. Narr, sits in a normal chair, a lit cigar in his hand. Another Right sits directly to Narr's right, a cup of some liquid in his hands. The Rights are all talking quietly as the scene opens, cups in front of most of them. As Cero enters the stage, all conversation ceases, and everyone quite obviously stares at him.

Cero: Umm, hey guys, what's happening?

Narr: What's happening? You know what Cero, that's just the question I was about to ask. (drops his cigar into Another Right's cup. Another Right looks into his cup with disgust, and he switches his cup with one belonging to a different Right, who doesn't notice the exchange). 'Cause I've been hearing some… disturbing things about what may be up. Unsettling things… as unsettling as say…kissing your cousin. (tries to take a puff from cigar, realizes that he doesn't have it anymore, lights another one, but doesn't smoke it.)

Cero: Whoa, back up a bit. I don't know where you're getting your information, but I swear, I haven't been kissing any of my relatives!

Narr: (stands in a fit of anger, throws his cigar into Another Right's cup. Another Right looks down in disgust, and swaps cups again, changes seats so that he is away from Narr.) Well, what other choices are Left? I'm not sure if I'm Left with any other options! I'm Left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach!

Cero: I swear, I haven't been kissing anyone unsettling, err I mean anyone!

Narr: (Tries to smoke cigar, realizes he doesn't have one, lights one, but doesn't smoke it. He then stands and starts pacing around. When Narr gets close to Another Right, Another Right surreptitiously switches to a different chair. ) That's not what I've been hearing. I was talking with a little birdy, and that little birdy told me-(he gets to close to Another Right who switches chairs again)

Cero: (interrupting) You were talking with a bird? Well that explains the crap on your shoulder.

Narr: Don't kid around Cero. This a very disturbing bit of news. I might even say that it was vexing. (he walked over to Cero and in the process passes close to Another Right, who then moves to the farthest chair on the stage.) I've come to trust what the little birdy tells me.(he turns and starts to walk randomly among the chairs.) It's seldom been wrong. And if I don't like what it tells me…Well, if it told me something I didn't like about somebody…well, that somebody…(he walks close to Another Right who can't move to another seat.)

Cero: I don't know. I don't know how far I'd trust something that I might be tempted to deep fry for lunch. (This causes Narr to turn around. Another Right breathes a sigh of relief.)

Narr: You'd better keep your nose clean, 'cause a little birdy is watching you, and it doesn't miss much. (turns, and stomps off stage, dropping his cigar into Another Right's cup as he walks past.)

Back at the wall. As the lights come up, both Nada and Cero hurry onstage, looking nervously over their shoulders, as if suspecting that someone might be following them. They stop at the wall.

Nada & Cero: I think that someone saw us. I'm in trouble.

Nada: We should probably find someplace a little less conspicuous to meet.

Cero: (nodding) A lot less conspicuous. Still where would that be? I certainly don't want to sneak through Left territory.

Nada: (starts to speak, but is cut off as shouts erupt from both sides of the stage. Both the Rights and the Lefts enter from their respective sides.)

Baka & Narr: I knew you were lying to me!

Narr: This is so much worse than kissing your cousin.

All the Rights and the Lefts point finger guns at Nada and Cero, stand back to back, shielding the other from their respective gang.)

Baka & Narr: Just let us kill the scum and we'll forgive you.

There is grumbling from both gangs, and shouts of "Traitor!" and "Kill the turncoat!" can be heard.

Nada & Cero: I'm not moving! You'll have to kill me too!

Baka and Narr both looked perplexed and do nothing, while the grumbling from both sides increases. After several moments of waiting, two beats of a snare drum are heard, and Nada and Cero crumple to the stage. There is stunned silence, and one Right and one Left both look horrified, and start creep off stage, having shot their own side.

Baka & Narr: You unbelievable idiot! You killed them!

Baka & Narr: No I didn't! You killed them!

A long roll on the snare drum is heard, and everyone on stage drops, including the two trying to creep off. There is a long moment of silence, and then the sound of someone whistling, "One Tin Soldier" is heard offstage, then The Blank saunters on-stage, and stops whistling when he spots the bodies.

The Blank: Oh dear, what a mess. (prods a couple of bodies with his foot) The department of sanitation isn't going to be happy to see this tomorrow morning. (crosses the stage, jumping the wall). Well, like I said before, entropy at work.(prods the other bodies). Well, hell. What are you supposed too do when you find a couple tons of useless meat on the street? I hear that the hotdog company isn't too picky. (walks over to Nada and Cero and rubs one hand across each body, as if wiping up blood, then hold both hands in front of his face as if studying them. He then sighs) For all the fuss that they made, I at least would have thought that there blood would have been different colors, or something at least a little more interesting… but no, the same boring shade of burgundy. How disappointing. (starts walking off stage, singing.) I say potato, you say potahto. (the lights start to dim) I say tomato, you say tomahto, Potato, potahto! Tomato, tomahto! Let's just blow each other away.