Itinerant Press Productions Presents:
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Misplaced Science Theater #4
Hellstorm Evangelion: (Mock 2) Part 2
(copyrighted to Issei Mataloun, who is quite welcome to it.)
Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyrighted to Gainax
(god bless them all)
Original Msting performed by Elmer Studioes
(http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm)
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Scene: [A set of rooms, deep within a secret laboratory, itself hidden deep
beneath the arctic circle (owned by Dr. Immaculate Crappums, card carrying
member of the Brotherhood of Really Evil Scientists). The rooms in question are
sealed behind three impenetrable titanium airlocks, a series of deathtraps
deactivated by a twenty syllable nonsense word changed daily, and guarded by a
hemorrhoidal rabid wombat named Biff.]
[Dr. C is obviously in a foul mood, is pacing back and forth]
Dr. C: [shouting] -lead-butted, wide-bottomed, brick-assed...uh...um...fat-ass
stole my experiment!
T-chan: [glances at his watch] I win Dom, that was thirty-six hours, forty-
three minutes and twenty-three minutes of perpetual ranting, without repeating
himself.
Dom: Damn, I was sure that he couldn't go more than a day and a half.
Dr. C: After everything I've done for him, where did get the gumption to turn on
me like that! At the last B.R.E.S convention, I let that blubber bottomed
cookie vacuum get the last danish!
[the TV flickers to life, displaying Dr. Debuketsu's chubby face.]
Debuketsu: That was when I knew you were too soft too be a true evil scientist.
Any mad worth his salt would have fought to the death for that danish.
Dr. C: Any mad with a brain knew to get out of your way, lest you suck them in
along with the pastry.
Dom: Hey, aren't you worried about those undead salad garnishes trying to take a
chunk out of that doughy mass of doom hanging off your keester?
Debuketsu: [steps back, revealing a lab cluttered with cookie boxes, cupcake
wrappers, and painted the most garish shade of pink imaginable] I tapped into
Crappum's video system from the comfort of my own laboratory. [leers as he tears
into a carrot cake] Don't think I'm going to forgive you for what you did to my
zombies.
T-chan: [points to himself and Dom] Hey, we're innocent! Don't make us suffer
just because his tomatoes got overly fond of your zombies!
Debuketsu: [laughs, spraying the camera with crumbs] My dear little guinea pigs,
perpetuating the suffering of innocents is what being a mad scientist is all
about That's why the fic I'm sending you now is the second part of Hellstorm
Evengelion. Enjoy it , while you still have the mental coherence. [the tv
screen goes black]
Dom: When we get out of here, I'm going to lock that man in a small room and
feed him nothing but ungarnished salads.
> Hellstorm Evangelion
> Part 2: The new Kid
>
> by - Issei malatoun
Dom: The mortal enemy of all that is Evangelion.
> EVAkid6@hotmail.com
>
> NOTE - All right! Here's the second part of this awesome series!
Dr. C: Talk about your delusions of grandeur.
T-chan: He probably brags that he can make the Kessel run in under three
parsecs.
> You ready for some KICK ASS action??
T-chan: Well, at least he's readily admitting -oh wait, he said 'kick' ass, not
'suck' ass.
> This part will be even more exciitng than
> the last...........It even have FAN SERVICE!!! I hope you really like it!!!!
>
> *****************
>
> Shinji was having the dream again.
T-chan: [Shinji] Oh Asuka, Misato, Rei, yes! Yes! Maya? Oh yeah...
> it had been ten nights since he
> kiucked Ramamama's
Dr. C: Hey, this is Evangelion. Ramamamael.
Dom: I thought its name was Ramama?
T-chan: Mas are like rabbits. Leave Ramama alone for long enough and you'll get
Ramamama.
Dom: No, it has to be an evil clone. All the regular characters get their own,
and the demons went on strike until they got evil clones too.
> ass and the dream kept on coming.
T-chan: [Shinji] Mmm...Ritsuko, oh yeah... Father? Ah! Ah! Ahhhhh!
> All that it was was
> the devil laughing at him and a fire burning EVA 1 and Shinji was inside!
> Shinji alwauys woke up from dreams like this with sweat all ofver his body
> and wet underwer.
Dom: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Shinji toilet trained in the series?
Dr. C: Not that you could tell from the fic.
> He cryed sometimes.
> So when Shinji got up to fix hiself some barekfast, he notised that
> Mistao was nowhere to be seen!
Dom: Not that he worried to much, since Misato was right there in the kitchen.
Dr. C: [sniffles] No one ever cares about the evil clones.
> All that was left was Penen
T-chan: Who?
Dom Gah, even the token pets have evil clones.
>, the pengin who
> who was also looking for food. Shinji went into Mistaio's bedroom
Dr. C: How many people live in this apartment anyway?
T-chan: Well, all the evil clones have to sleep somewhere.
> and found
> a note. it said Shinji, I went to Hyuuga's house for the night.
[everyone blinks]
Dom: Holy crow, I don't believe it. Makoto got lucky.
T-chan: I can't believe Misato was sober enough to hold the pen when she wrote
that.
> Please
> feed penpen in the morning.
> Shinji moened. He couldn't feed this greedy Pengiin. He had more
> things to worry about, like the devil;'s army of demons.
Dom: You know, it's perfectly acceptable to angst while on the way to the fridge
to feed the poor bird.
T-chan: Let the bugger starve. I bet he's Chairman Keele's secret plant at
NERV.
> Just then the fone rang and shinji picked it up.
> "Hello?????" he Sayed.
T-chan: Promptly clogging the line with all those question marks.
> "Hi Shinji this is the devil again!!!!"
Dr. C: Have you considered switching your long distance companies?
> "What do you want, you jackass???"
> "Just wanta let you know that the nexdt attack will be to day.
> have a nice day." and then he hung up.
Dr. C: Gee, I wish that the Angels had been considerate enough to call ahead of
time.
> "Shit!!!!!!!!!!" shinji yelled as he ran into his room and
Dr. C: Impaled himself on the lingering exclamation points.
> put on asome clothes.
T-chan: Ewww! He was naked that entire scene?
> He then grabedx his headphones and put on some Woo Tang
> and ran out like a flash!!!
Dom: You know, somehow I just can't picture Shinji every willingly listening to
the Wu-Tang Clan.
T-chan: Well then it should make you feel much better to know that he's
listening to Woo Tang instead.
Dr. C: These evil clones are really getting out of control.
>
> *****************
>
> It took Shinji ten ours to make it to Nerv since he to run since he
> didn;'t have a car.
Dom: Which is why when most people had some place to go, they took the train.
Dr. C: Or he just could've called.
T-chan: And said what? "hey guess what, I just got a crank call from the devil?"
Dr. C: Well it's not much more implausible than anything else that's happened in
this fic.
> When he got there, Misato and Hyuga were talking to a
Dom: Normally I'd applaud the fact that Makato is getting so much screen time,
but this, is just so wrong...
> pale little kid wearing
Dr. C: Oh no...
Dom: Oh god...
T-chan: I'm getting a really really bad feeling about this.
> a black Rage Aganst the Machineshirt. he had bleu
T-chan: bleah!
> eyes and green hair.
Dom: Oh wonderful, we just crossed over into the Adventures of the lil' Joker.
T-chan: Maybe if we're lucky the bat-mite will show up and smite his ass.
> Shinji couldn't hear what they were satying.
> Misato say Shinji and sayed "Hi Shinji!!!!! Come here and meet
> your new patrner!!"
> Shinji sayed "PARTNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This little KID??!??????"
> Whenever he sayed that, the little kid giot a HUGE HAMMER
T-chan: That's not a boy, that's a Akane Tendo after to much time on the wrong
side of a nuclear reactor.
Dr. C: Little known fact, but outside of fanfics, Akane is almost never seen
with a mallet. Kodachi is the one who likes to hang from ceilings with
hammers.
Dom: So I guess that makes Issei her progeny, but who's the dad?
Dr. C: Is that a question you really want answered?
Dom: No.
> and smashed Shinji over the head. Shinji went to the floor and began shaking.
> The little boy laughed and sayed "My name is Issei Malatioun, the
> 6th child. I may be only 12
Dr. C: [Misato] Then scram kid, no one under fourteen allowed. Go get in line
with the rest of the rejects.
Dom: [Issei] Hey, who are all you guys?
T-chan: [starts pointing] He's John, he's special. That guy over there is
Charles, as is that guy, that one, and that one over there. The girl's Joel,
she's innane. My name's John, I'm enigmatic.
> but I'm 1000 times smarter than you, bro!!!!"
> Shinji got up and yelled "I can't work with this guy!!!!" Shinji
> knew that it shoudl have been KAORU who was his partner, not this little
> bastard!!!
T-chan: Has there been any punctuation aside from a straight period that hasn't
been abused ad nasueam?
Dom: He goes through exclamation points faster than you go through slim jims.
> Mistao shaked her head and sayed "Tough titty Shinji you can't
> CHOOSE your partner we do. And with all of the other kids either dead
> or..." She stopped cuz the alarm was going off.
> A voice from the speaker sayed
T-chan: Are we ever going to find out what Rei's up to.
Dom: You mean is this ever going to include one of the series most complex and
intriguing characters?
Dr. C: He'll probably just turn her into a lesbian.
T-chan: Well, Jo does look like she's getting bored over there.
Dom: [speaker] Attention S-mart shoppers, today we have a special on all demons.
> "SECOND DEMON COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
> "Shit!!! That's what I came to wanr tyou guys about!! The devil
> sent the 2nd demon today! he told me when he called!!"
> Misato sayed "WHAT?!? the devil called OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Dom: [Misato] He didn't try to sell you anything, did he?
> Issei sayed "This looks bad doesnt it? Well we'd better be off
> Shinji. We got some Demon ass to kick!!!!!!"
> Shinji sayed "Hell no! I'm not working with a little brat like
> you!!!!!"
T-chan: 'Cause Stone Cold Shinji said so.
> Issei yelled "Quit arguing you little prick!!! We got work to do!!!"
> Misato sayed "Listen to issei! He's making more sense than you!!!"
> Shinji shook his head and sayed "Nononononono!!!!"
Dom: Playing the part of Shinji today will be Miaka Yuuki.
Dr.C: You know, give her a haircut and she would look a lot like Shinji...
T-chan: And if you have him a good tan then he'd look a lot like Nadia.
T-chan: Next time, on 'Seperated at Birth.'
> That made Misato desperate! She opened up her jacket and thre
> it to the ground! Then she unbuttoned her shirt and let Shinji look at
> her HUGE tits.
All: Boing boing boing!
T-chan: ooh... Amazing pnematic bosoms...
Dr. C: Another satisfied customer of Mai Shiranui's breast enlarement clinic.
> Shinji stared at them
T-chan: [snorts] Toothpicks.
Dr. C: After seeing those? It's toothpicks no more. Now Shinji has a mighty
oak!
> and had a noseblleed then past out.
> "Drag him to the entry plug Issei................" she sayed as she
> put her shirt back on.
> Issei picked him up and wiped the blood off his face and sayed
> "Sure gorgeous!!!"
>
> *****************
>
> Issei got into EVA 2
Dom: Aw man, Asuka's going to be pissed.
T-chan: [Fuyutsuki] We require someone expendable to tell Pilot Soryu... Aoba,
you do it.
Dom: You know, it's bad enough that the authors continually shaft Hyuga, you
don't have to join in too.
> and Shinji got into EVA 1. Shinji was so
> pissed! he got so excitid about seeing Misato's thingies that he was drug
> into the EVA. He would have to fight with that little brat.
> Issei sayed ofer the intercom "Hey Shinji hope you're ready for
> the fight!!!"
> Shinji didn't say anything back. He was too pissed.
> "EVA'S UNIT ONE AND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
> The 2 Eva's were now on Tokyo 3 and there was the demon. he was
> totally blank and was made of nothing but FIRE! He was so bright that both
> kids almost went blind from looking at it!
T-chan: That's not why they almost went blind.
Dr. C: Well, what would you be doing after seeing Misato's naked breasts?
> "My name is Gapos!!!!"
Dom: You killed Ramama-
T-chan: -ma.
Dom: -prepare to die!
T-chan: And according to the amazing boggle box, then demon's name will
be...Gapos-.
Dr.C: -el.
> it sayed in a scary voice.
> Eva 2 stood still
T-chan: [Issei] Fire, yeah! Burn!
> but Shinji was so pissed that he didn't pay
> atentioon. "DIE!!!!!!!" he yelled and he ran to it and tryed to grab it.
> But since ity was made of fire, it burned the hands ofEva 1 and Shinji
> yelled
Dom: D'oh!
Dr. C: In hindsight, that might not have been such a good idea.
Dom: [Shinji] Note to self: grabbing demons made of nothing but fire is a bad
plan.
> and ran away.
> "Think before you act stupid!!!" Issei shouted and grabed his
> knife.
T-chan: Right there in the middle of the city, in the middle of a fight? That
kid has really got some problems.
Dr. C: Besides being in this fic?
> he set the cordinates to -10000 degress on the knife
Dom: I didn't know that the prog knife was climate controlled.
Dr. C: It's not.
Dom: But he just set it to-.
Dr. C: No he didn't.
> and threw it
> to the demon. It went into the demons stomach and Gapos yelled.
> "You damn kid!!!!!!" It yelled "I'll tear you apart!!!!!!" he
> then sent some flames at the two evas and it burned both boys. They both
> cryed and yelled!
> Issei shouted to Shinji "Shinji................we need something
> that kills fire!!!!!"
T-chan: Now that I think about it, shouldn't most of Tokyo-3 be a great big
fire-quenching lake right about now?
Dom: Except that everything after episode seventeen apparently never happened,
which means that Rei II is still alive, as is Kaji, but Misato's acting like
he's dead since she's banging Makoto... [clutches his head] and Kaworu's come
and gone...
Dr. C: You should know better than to think about the fics by now.
T-chan: To bad they don't have an eva-sized hose and some buckets to throw at
that thing.
> After that Shinji knew what to do he jumped away from the fire and
> went behind a bilding and grabed a GIANT fire hose.
[Everyone blinks]
Dr. C: Good call there fuzzbutt.
T-chan: Now that's just ridiculous. Why would there just happen to be a giant
hose laying around the city?
Dom: Little known fact: Gendo used to be a boyscout, so when the Angels started
showing up, he made sure that Tokyo-3 was ready for anything. Haven't you ever
wondered why there are those piles of rubber pants lying around the geofront?
> The demon went to
> Shinji and threw all of its fire at him but Shinji threw tjhe hose over to
> Issei befroe he did.
> Issei turned on the hose and pointed it at Gapos! It made the
> Demon turn into smoke as it screamed in pane and agony.
Dr. C: [Gapos] I'm the token monster in a lousy fic, and I am damn well
unsatisfied to die this way.
> "I'll..... get..........you......!!!!!" Gapos said as it died.
> The boys shouted "EXCELLENT!"
T-chan: Dude!
Dom: Bogus!
> at the same time. the seocnd demon
> was DEAD!
>
> *****************
>
> As Shinji went into his house he went straight into his room.He
> jumped on his bed but when he did someone said
T-chan: Help! Help! I'm in a lousy fic!
> "ouch!!!" Shinji got up and
> saw that Issei was lying on the bed!
> "ISSEI!! WHAT are you doing in my bed?!?!"
> "Lying down!" Isei sayed.
> "I KNOW THAT! But your in MY bed!!!!"
> Misato came in and sayed "Issei will be living with us from now
> on! Deal with it!!"
> "But I don't WANT to live with a creep like him!"
> Issei sayed "I dont either
Dr. C: [Issei] Aw, all the evil clones get their own room, why don't I get one?
T-chan: An evil clone?
Dr. C: A room.
but life's tough. Now quit worrying
> about thjis shit and start worrying about the demons!!!"
> Misato sayed "Be nice to Isei wile hes here. Who knows you two
> may become lovers!!"
Dr. C: You were wrong fuzzbutt, it's Shinji who gets to be the village bicyle
this fic, not Asuka.
> Shinji sayed "WHAT?!? But I'm not gay!!" he sayed even tho he
> knew that was a lie! he only loved kaoru
Dom: I think that Kenshin might have some issues with that.
> though so he wasn't going to fall
> in love with Issei either!!!
> Issei sayed "But I am. Why do you think I didn't have a nosebleed
> whe Misato showed me her tits?!?"
> Misato then gave Issei a noogie and sayed "Hey you!!!" The two
> laughed while Shinji watched them until he syarted laughing too. Maybe
> life with Issei wouldn't be THAT bad!!!
T-chan: Maybe catching a flesh-eating virus bacteria wouldn't be that bad!!!
Dr. C: Maybe having your genitals gnawed off by a pack of rabid Jigglypuffs
wouldn't be that bad!!!
>
> *****************
>
> To be cont.
>
> That's it! Now I'm not going to make the love between Issei and Shinji
> TOO mushy...
Dr. C: I think my eyes are starting to bleed.
T-chan: I don't think mine ever stopped.
Dom: I think that I need to work on surpessing my gag reflex, because I'm sure
it's about to get a lot of use.
> there will still be LOADS of fights between Eva's and Demons.
> Watch out for the next part
Dom: Seems like sound advice to me.
> ....................someone important is going
> to DIE!!
Dom: Asuka.
Dr. C: Gendo
T-chan: Rei.
Dr. C: Who?
T-chan: You know, pale girl, half angel, lynch-pin of the story?
Dr. C: Oh yeah, her.
Dom: I bet it'll be Fuyutsuki.
T-chan: No, he said that someone IMPORTANT was going to die.
Dom: Ouch. I'd really hate to see what this kid would do to his name.
Dr. C: For once I'd say that being left out of a fic is a good thing.
T-chan: [claws at his throat] Gah! I'm not sure how much more of this I can
take?
Dom: You want to play a game of Eva-64?
T-chan: Dom, buddy, I want to make myself less aggravated, not more.
Dr. C: Hey, how'd you get videogames in here?
T-chan: You can get anything off the internet these days.
Dr. C: But how'd you get it delivered without me knowing?
Dom: We got it delivered to the backdoor.
Dr. C: I didn't build this place with a back door! Where'd you get a backdoor?
T-chan: It's amazing what you can get off the internet these days.
Dr. C: If you have a back door, then why haven't you escaped yet?
Dom: It's not really a physical egress, just a delivery address.
Dr. C: [puts a hand over his eyes] I think I going to stop asking.
T-chan: You probably should, we don't quite understand how it works ourselves,
but it works great when we want to order out pizza.
Dr. C: Dare I ask just how you pay for all of this?
T-chan: We occasionally get junkmail here too. We just sent back on one of
those pre-accepted credit card offers.
Dr. C: Any particular reason you haven't tried sending for help?
Dom: We tried, but then we looked it over and realized that anyone getting a
message saying 'Help! Help! We've been kidnapped by a mad scientist and are
being held in a secret lab in the Arctic' would probably send it straight to the
rubbish bin.
[Dr. Debuketsu's face suddenly appears on the TV screen]
Debuketsu: Yes Crappums, I must say that your choice of real estate was one of
your few strokes of genius.
Dr. C: Few?
Debuketsu: I'm sorry, I meant only. For example, this experiment certainly
wasn't.
Dr. C: If it's that terrible you can always end it.
Debuketsu: You're not getting off that easily.
Dr. C: So just what don't you like about this experiment?
Debuketsu: Look at your setup, you didn't create this experiment with any
structure. You just tossed two schmucks into a room and forced them to watch
the fics. You didn't bother to setup any guidelines. The point of this
experiment is to drive the subjects insane, but you didn't even bother to run
checks on their mental status before or after each experiment. I'm going to
have to burn the midnight oil in order to turn this experiment from the career
saving last ditch toss-up into the highlight of next year's B.R.E.S convention.
It's a good thing that I have some snacks to keep me going. Cheesecake, and
chocolate bars, and cherry pie, apple pie, fudge pie-.
T-chan: [glares at Dr. C:] Once again let me NOT thank you locking me in here.
Debuketsu: whipped cream tarts, pop tarts, pasties-
Dom: Listening to him is making me really hungry... who wants to order chinese?
T-chan: [licks his lips] Sounds like a plan to me. Cashew chicken sounds real
good right now.
Dr. C: You're sure that you're not in the mood for some quiche?
T-chan: No, I just had some last-. Hey! That's not funny.
Dom: Let's just wait for Dr. Lardass to get off the tube and I'll call up the
local chinese place.
Dr. C: There's a 'local' chinese place?
T-chan: Well, that's a relative term.
Debuketsu: -pot pie, stuffed duck-.
________________________________________________________________________________
- Misato came in and sayed "Issei will be liiving with us from now on! Deal with
it!!"
MST notes: Not much to say about this one. It's another installment of
Hellstorm, which says a lot (none of it positive) in and of itself. It's too
bad that I can't find a copy of Issei's Kenshin fic; I suppose that it's an,
ahem, classic in its own right. Coming up next is part 2 of Fallen Angel, where
we find out that Christopher only trashed NERV 'cause he needed a job, and
thought that that would be more impressive than a resume, and Ritsuko discovers
that pain hurts.
Msted by: Douglass Weeks (weeksdo1@pilot.msu.edu)
Stop by and visit Wonder Central, home of Doug's Fanfic Review, The Gospels of
Malachel, and soon to be home of Itinerant Press Productions:
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(
geocities.com/tokyo/gulf/4127) (
geocities.com/tokyo/gulf) (
geocities.com/tokyo)