Laura Hudson 

Author's Notes:

        This is something I wrote a while ago when I got bored.  I decided to
put it out because it's been a while since "Ripples," and "Pandora"'s
not going to be done for a while, assuming I finish the first chapter
and decide to release it. You can get it at
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/5752/laura.html when it is released.
        This is not the best fanfic I've ever written, nor the worst.  It is
simply something.  It was interesting to write, and works in with a lot
of the issues I often deal with.
        I'd like to thank everyone who discussed and wrote to me about
Ripples.  I'm glad the majority of readers liked it.  Constructive
criticism is *cool*.
        Sorry it's been so long, but I to deal with wrapping up school and
exams and everything.  I fared pretty well, I think.  But studying 9
hours a day can help that way.
        And now I'm FREE!  I'm not getting a job this summer, so I'll have lots
of time to start writing again.  So I hope to finish many fanfics.  And
here's one.  


                        _Burn Therapy_ 

        "Tell me why you hate her." the man asked, his unsettlingly sedate
voice emanating from the shadows.  
        The girl lying on the couch shifted uncomfortably.  "I don't... hate
her."  The shadowed figure shook his head, sighing.  His hands folded
into an upside-down V, he tapped the tips of his fingers together.
        "We're never going to work through these feelings unless you can admit
them.  That *is* why you came to me, isn't it?  To purge the hate, and
the guilt you felt as a result?"
        The girl did not respond, moving restlessly on the reclined leather
couch.  She did not like the feeling of being sprawled out across it, of
being vulnerable.
        "Tell me why you hate her." the voice asked again.
        The girl opened her mouth, hesitated, and then spoke her first
tentative words.
        "Because she is everything that I am not."  The man nodded from within
the shadows.  
        "What is it about her, what does she have that you want?"
        "Everything."  the girl closed her eyes.  
        "Can you be more specific?" queried the voice.
        "Everything she gained.... I couldn't say she was stealing from me,
because firstly she never _tried_ to acquire what she was given and
secondly, because at no point was it ever mine.  But I wanted it
still... the heritage I dreamed was mine, the power and I thought I
deserved..." the girl's voice drifted off.  
        "Did _she_ deserve this 'power'?"
        The girl's features wrinkled disapprovingly.  "She never realized how
fortunate she was... At times, she resented the power, neglected it,
wasted it...  All the time, I kept thinking there had to have been a
mistake, that I was supposed to be the one."
        "Because you would have appreciated what she did not."  
        "That, and I always thought I was stronger than she, that I would have
been a more efficient and rational leader."
        "So you didn't consider her emotionally... steady?"
        "No.  I thought she was a clumsy crybaby who ran away from her
problems.  I couldn't understand... how she could have been the one." 
She paused, and then spoke as though thinking aloud. "Everyone loves her
so much."
        "Everyone?  Who is everyone?"
        "*He* is everyone..." the girl whispered.
        "Pardon?" 
        "The man I love." she focused her eyes directly ahead of her.  "He fell
in love with her;  he couldn't help it.  You couldn't know her and not
love her, you couldn't..."
        "But you knew her, and you hated her."   
        "No." said the girl, staring at the plaster cracks in the ceiling.  "I
loved her..." Tears started to fill her eyes.  "I wanted to hate her,
but I couldn't... She was so sweet and innocent and pure...  That's why
he loved her, too.  She was everything I was not and he loved her for
it."
        "Do you still think she's unworthy, then?"
        "No.  Not anymore.  I wanted to, because I knew that whatever she was I
was not.  If she deserved her blessings, then I knew I didn't."
        "Even if you're stronger than she?"
        The girl smiled softly.
        "You can't really gauge strength until you test it."
        "Then you're not really sure who is stronger."  
        "Oh, I know... I know."
        "And?"
        "She's the strongest person I've ever known."
        There was a moment of silence, and the man leaned back into the cushion
of his chair.
        "Do you resent her for that?  For being stronger?"
        The girl thought genuinely for a moment.  "No... I don't think I do.  I
think I resent myself."
        "Because of your own weaknesses?"       
        "Yes, for that.  For blaming her, when I should have been blaming
myself.  For my pettiness, and my jealousy.  I love her, and I want to
love her the way she loves everyone, so openly and fully.  But I can't,
and I fall short."
        "You seem to be judging yourself solely in comparison to her."
        The girl bit her lip.  "I suppose I am."
        "Have you considering appreciating yourself for who you and, instead of
who you're not?"
        "..."
        "Except that you'd rather be her than yourself."
        "..."
        "She's your idol, the standard you set for yourself.  You're too
determined to accept that you're *not* her, that you *can't* be.  You
aren't used to giving up; you're too competitive for that.  Am I getting
closer?"        
        The girl turned her head to the side.
        "And because that aggressiveness is part of who you are, you'll never
give up trying to be something else."
        "I can't help it."
        "You *can*."
        "I CAN'T!!" she yelled, sitting up.  "I can't help being what I don't
want to be!"
        "What _you_ want?"
        "Yes."
        "Or what _he_ wants?"
        Her eyes narrowed.
        "It's not about him."   
        "No?  You know she is all he could ever love.  Don't you want to be
that?  Isn't that why you don't like who you are?"      
        She sat in silent denial for a moment, and then laid herself back
dazedly on the couch.  It seemed so much harder to dispute now that it
had been spoken.  It was so ridiculous now that she recognized it, so
foolish.  But it had been true.
        "Yes, it is."
        "Can you accept that you will never be that?"
        "Yes." she breathed.  Hadn't she always known it?
        "Can you accept who you are?"  The girl looked at her dark hair, laying
over her body, and for once accepted that it was not golden.
        "Yes."  
        "Can you love her?"
        "I always have."
        The girl looked objectively upon herself.  She was a soldier, she knew
that now.  She would fight for her friend, defend her onto death.  She
realized how well-suited they were to the roles they were destined to
play.
        "Tell me why you love her."  
        "Because..." The girl thought of her friend and smiled.  She thought of
the way she loved, the way she forgave, the way she defended everything
she cared about. She would be their savior, she knew it.        
        "Because... she is everything I am not."


                                

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/gulf/4463/stories

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