Laura Hudson 


Author's Notes:

        This is different from the one I sent to my preview list, BTW.
        Originally, I used the name Yuuichiro instead of Chad.  But it just didn't
feel right, in the same way the using "Raye" doesn't feel right.  Shivers.
So I went through the fic after finishing it and changed EVERY reference to
Chad's original name.  Aren't I just a terrible human being?  ;)
        Anyway, I SWEAR I'm in the middle of writing a series.  If I don't get
sick of it halfway through, I just might be able to release it.  Until
then, you'll have to settle for these melodramatic vignettes.  



"
years go by will I still be waiting for someone else to understand
years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in
my head
years go by will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left
one more casualty you know we're too EASY easy easy...
but I don't care cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's
been HERE
silent all these years.

"                               


-Tori Amos


                        _       Exorcism        _


        He comes to me in my prayers.  I am kneeling in front of the fire, my
hands folded and my head bowed low in supplication.  There is a shifting
sound as the sliding door opens quietly.  I do not react or move as his
feet pad across the wooden floor, as he settles quietly on the mat next to
me.  I do not look, but I know his eyes are closed and he is praying.
        I look for answers, for direction, in the erratic flutters of the flame.
The fire tells me nothing, numb and whispering without words.  It has no
answer to my prayers.  Only the slow crackles and consumption of paper and
wood.  I feel his presence beside me, and wonder, for a moment, if perhaps
he is the answer.  
        I lift my head slowly but do not look at him.  I slide to a sitting
position and rest my fingers on the floor, nearer to him.  Half of me wants
to grab his hand, and half of me wants to run away.  Out of the corner of
my eye, I see him gazing straight ahead into the fire.  I do not speak, but
slide my hand slowly across the floor and lightly place it over his.
        He never stops looking at the fire, but wraps his broad hand over mine.
His fingers slide between my fingers, interlocking us.  He squeezes my
hand, a gentle pulse.
        A rush of air fills the void inside me, an antiseptic coolness.
Apprehension and fear and uncertainty and desire ring through me as
something inside me loses its footing.  I clutch his hand more tightly,
trying to keep from falling.
        I know he is looking at me now.  I feel his eyes on my face.  Slowly,
under pressure, I lift my face and my gaze to him.  There is no tension,
perhaps even no electricity as our eyes meet.  Only familiarity,
realization, and a need.
        I lean toward him, and in one fluid motion, my back slides against the mat
and he moves over me.  I can't be sure if I initiated it, or if he did, but
there is no confusion in our eyes as he lowers himself to me and I rise to
him.  I feel him react as I kiss his neck and then his mouth.  My tongue
slides over his and I run my hands through his hair.
        My heart beats faster, but there is almost no mental reaction when he
touches me.  

        Later, when we move apart, his eyes stare tenderly into mine.  Our heads
against the floor, I cannot help but face him.  I smile slightly but look
slightly to the side of his gaze.
        "What are you thinking about?" he asks me, stroking my hair behind my ear.
        "You."  I answer.  It is a tremendous lie.  I am thinking about how empty
I feel.  I am thinking about the impossible, the desire that is betrayal.
Why is he haunting me?  I owe no fidelity to that man.  Yet... I feel as
though I have abandoned something, abandoned him by allowing this to happen.
        And it has happened.  Now it is as though the the challenge has been
conquered, and there is a defeated sense about it all.  It was better when
it was unfulfilled between Chad and I, I think.  It was tense, it was
attractive simply because it was out of reach.  And now it is not.  Chad
still appeals to me now, I still care for him...  But I do not burn.  I
want to burn.
        And then I realize what I am expecting of him.  I am comparing him to
someone else, asking him to be what I have lost and what I can never have.
I try to release that desire inside me, but it is still tense and
attractive because it is out of reach.
        I push it down and move closer to Chad, stroking his face.  He puts his
arms around me and I try to fill the coldness, to be warmed.  I lie there
for what seems like hours, close to his body.  When he falls asleep, I kiss
his face and slip out of his arms.  I pad across the floor, and glancing
back only once, slide the door quietly shut.


        I say nothing the next time I see the other Senshi.  I feel as though I
should tell them, especially Usagi, but I dread the explosion of excitement
and flurries of gossip.  The next Senshi meeting is at the temple, and
while the others giggle and chatter about boys, school, and occasionally
the Dark Kingdom, I stand stoic among the cherry trees.
        I stare into space, and my eyes rest on Chad, sweeping the steps in the
distance.  My face is blank as I watch him.
        "Rei, REI!" shouts Usagi, suddenly close to my ear.
        "WHAT?!"  I snap back at her, annoyed.
        "I _said_ ,"  She repeats with annoyance, "I promised Mamo-chan I'd meet
him here, but now I'm going to the arcade with Minako."   She grins,
giggling sheepishly.  "Make sure you tell him where I am, OK?"
        "Sure."  I answer, and they resume their conversations, oblivious.  Well,
perhaps not all of them...  I sit down, resting my head on my knees, in the
circle of girls but not part of it.  Lita looks at me for a moment, raising
an eyebrow.  She pushes one hand to the ground, ready to move over toward
me.  I look back at her and shake my head.  Not now.  I smile lightly as a
thank you and stare back into space.
        
        When the meeting is over, Lita lags behind as the others scurry away.
        "Are you OK, Rei-chan?"
        "Yes."  I say looking at the ground.
        "You're lying."
        "Yes."
        She exhales, half amused.
        "What's wrong?  You can tell me; I won't tell the others."
        "It's Chad..."  I begin.  My voice trails off, but she says nothing,
waiting for me to continue.
        "We're together now."  I finish.
        Her eyes light up for a moment, but seeing the lack of enthusiasm in mine,
it fades.
        "You don't seem happy."
        "I know.  I should be, shouldn't I?"  I ask her, but she doesn't answer.  
        "Do you care about him?"
        "Of course!"  I respond immediately.
        "Do you love him?"
        My mouth opens to respond, but no words escape.  My mind turns the
question over and over, and the seconds turn to minutes of silence.
        "I don't know."  I manage finally.  I look at her pleadingly, begging her
to answer for me, but she cannot.  I know that. 
        "Just tell me what you feel, Rei-chan."
        "I... I care about him, I do.  But he doesn't make me feel... I mean, at
least not as much as- or the same way that- oh, I don't know.  He's just...
 he's just not-"
        "Mamoru." Lita finishes.  My head jerks toward her, shocked.
        "That's it, isn't it?"  she asks.  I shake my head in frustration, rubbing
my eyes and looking away from her.
        "I don't know."  I answer quietly.  She brings her head close to mine.
        "Yes you do."  she whispers.  The grass makes a soft sound under her feet
as she stands.  She walks away, and then pauses and turn to me.
        "Yes you do."  And then she leaves.

        I sit there in the grass under the cherry blossoms at the edge of the
temple property in a seemingly suspended time.  The birds chirrup gleefully
from the branches, and the wind exhales softly through them.  I sit there,
thinking and not moving.
        I hear a car pull up, disrupting my cycle of empty thought.  I pull myself
back to reality and look up just as the driver is walking toward the temple
steps.
        "Mamoru!"  I hear my voice say.  He turns, searching for the origin of the
sound, and then sees me.  I stand on wobbly legs.
        "Hi, Rei!"  he says, waving and moving closer.  "I was just looking for
Usako.  Is she around?"
        "Um, no, she decided to go into town to play at the arcade for a while."
        "Oh."  He looks slightly downcast.  
        "Do you want to come in for tea?"  I ask, expecting nothing.
        "I'm sorry, but I really should go find Usagi-chan..."  he says,
apologetically.
        "That's OK.  Would you mind if I came with you, then?  There's some
errands I need to run."  The lie slips out so easily it takes me a second
to realize it is not true.
        "Sure."  he says smiling.  We walk to his car, and I get in.  As he
settles into the seat beside me, I look at him out of the corner of my eye.
 I want him to possess me.  And then I realize that in a way, he does, and
I resent it.  The car roars to life and we drive away.
        There is silence for a moment as we sit, watching the road.
        "So..." he says, trying to make conversation,  "How are things at the
temple?"
        "Oh, fine.  Really good.  Chad's been training with Grandpa a lot lately."
 I say.  "I've been spending a lot of time with him too..."  I add,
watching his face.
        "With Chad, or with your Grandpa?"  he asks.
        "Chad."  I respond, blushing.
        "Ah."  he says, smiling.  There is a moment of slight silence.    I plead.
        "So, are you-"  and then he stops.  "Oops, looks like we're here."  I look
up at the arcade, cursing it for being so near to the temple.  My face is a
plastic smile when I look at him.       
        "Yes, I guess we are."  I get out of the door and shut it firmly and with
finality.
        He walks toward the arcade doors and waves goodbye to me.  I wave back and
my feet keep walking in the other direction.  I walk and walk and walk
until I get to the park, and keep walking until I reach an isolated park
bench by a lake.  I stare at it for a moment, and sit on it slowly and
unsurely.  And then I collapse, sobbing.  I cry out all the pain and the
expectations and the jealousy, I empty them out.
        There is an odd sensation of giving something up, and yet being filled.
My tears slow, and then I am merely lying over my lap, breathing deeply.  I
begin to become aware of the sounds around me, my attention drifting away
from myself.  
        I hear footsteps, gravel crunching on the path, but do not care.  I am
lost in the liquid sounds of the lake, the distant hum of traffic.
Suddenly, reality intrudes again, close to me.  There is a creak, and a
pressure on the wooden slats of the bench.  I feel an arm go around me,
warm and comforting.
        I look up, surprised, tears still clinging to my eyelashes and I see him.
        Chad.  His hand moves lightly on my back, and he watches me with concern.
A feeling of joy comes over me, a completeness.  He came for me.  There is
an amazing warmth inside me as I look at him, and my eyes are filled with
tenderness.  I surround him with my arms, and then lift my face close to
his.  And I kiss him.   
        And I *mean* it.
        "Thank you."  I say quietly to him, holding my cheek again his.  
        There is a moment of emotion without thought, and then my head fills
suddenly with consequences and questions.  I ask myself whether this is a
genuine feeling, or whether I really love him.  Whether he's a lover only
of convenience and security.  Whether he's nothing more than a surrogate,
filling a void.
        And I have no answer.  I don't know- I am not sure how it will turn out.
There is no ordained destiny to work towards, no legacy to inherit, no
images or children from the future to insure our relationship.  I can't be
sure that I won't wake up one day and realize that I don't love him.
Because I do not know.
        And in the warmth of his embrace on the park bench, it does not matter.

                                

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