Reply at akun16@hotmail.com
[In outerspace, a stapler-shape ship is flying in geo-syncronized orbit over a certain place on Earth. This is the Satelite of Anime. We float up to it and enter, curious as to where the opening theme song went...]
[A-kun turns to greet us.]
A-kun: Greetings. This is an MSTing that I've been meaning to get around to, but various things have kept me from it. 1) I'm trying to get my effing webpage up, 2) I've got a bazillion other fanfics to work on, 3) I've got weird friends who need monitoring and 4) my hard drive is getting full, so it took 2 hours to keep booting this sucker up. But, I declared that I WOULD do this MSTing for Theo Mintesnot (well, to myself), who sent out a prime cut a while ago, so I decided I'd rip on the guys who wrote it. Hehehehehehehehee....
Ami: So, we're all heading into the theater. Come on.
[The MAT 2K crew races to their access ports.]
[The dogbone door opens and Cambot floats through, with us trailing.]
[Door 6: It's a box. You 'oooooh' and 'aaaaah', roll your eyes and continue.]
[Door 5: It's Indiana Jones standing across a pit. He swings his whip to you and you swing across.]
[Door 4: It's the losers who wrote the fanfic. You pull your ACME Annihilator and blow them away.]
[Door 3: It's a shower curtain. You open it, revealing....nothing. You frown and continue.]
[Door 2: It's Ifurita. She knew you'd try to peep. She smacks you about for a bit, then tosses you down the corridor.]
[Door 1: It's a vault door. You smack against it as it opens. Dazed, you enter the theater.]
[Ifurita enters first, followed by Ami, A-kun and Ranma. They sit in that order.]
A-kun: Roll 'em!
>Subject: [FFML] Here's some MSTing material....
>From: capn.bungie.prattle.net@juno.com (Theo Mintesnot)
A-kun: Thanks, I'm looking forward to this.
>This fic is a piece of rabid-dogshit written by 2 jerkofffs >on AOL who've
>never seen Sailormoon before(_N_O_T_M_E_!_!_!_), and is >therefore perfect
>for MSTing purposes.
Ami: [growling] They better hope they've got a good chiropractor and proctologist....
>WArning: Ultra-violence, stupid plot, inane sex, lots of >swearing. Enjoy.
Ami: Oh yeah, these guys are gonna get it.
>Prologue 2
All:....the hell?
>Sam Burke was in dire straits.
Ifurita: [Sam Burke] AAAAH!! THESE STRAITS ARE TOO DIRE!! AAAAAAAHHH!
> He was stuck in Japan,
Ranma: Someone must've put gum underneath his shoes.
> where everyone
A-kun: Laughed at his dumb-ass for getting stuck to the ground by bubble-gum.
>called him _Guy
All: [snickering] THOSE _FIENDS_!!
>-jin÷
Ami: No, no, they aren't CALLING you Guy-jin, they're asking if you HAD Gin...and a few thousand other kinds of liquor...
>or something.
A-kun: He doesn't even KNOW what it means? Yeesh, I have friends who think Japan is somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico who know Japanese better.
> It was a few years after he had lost Twitch.
Ranma: Shouldn't you be rejoicing? I'd LOVE to get rid of this twitch.
> After losing
Ranma: all his money in a single game of poker...
A-kun: all his clothes (thus giving the Japanese a better reason to laugh at him)...
Ifurita: his dignity...
Ami: his last bit of pride...
>another partner to crime,
Ifurita: Sam has to finally admit that maybe pouring scalding-hot coffee in the crotches of his partners in crime ISN'T the best way to wake them up.
> he had decided to leave New York for a while.
Ranma: He was going to move to that Pen-sil-vine-ia.
>That old fart,
Ifurita: still reeked. Even after six years, that ONE fart he let loose after those triple-chili-bean burritos STILL wouldn't leave.
> Cog,
Ami: HEY! Don't blame him! He's only a COG in a larger machine...
> had only shook his head and said,
A-kun [Cog] You've just killed your career. You'll never write fanfiction in this universe again!
> _You¦ll be back.÷
Ifurita: Yes, unfortunately, all BAD fanfic writers DO come back.
>Like that meant anything.
Ami: [rolling her eyes] GEE, that might actually be a THIRD grader's attempt at FORESHADOWING...but it wouldn't qualify even as THAT.
Ranma: Pre-school level. On a stretch.
>Sam had tracked a suspect named Flynn to here.
A-kun: If I see one more name from an RPG or Fighting Game, I'm going to flame the crap out of the authors.
> You could name the case
Ami: "The Bad Fanfic".
Ranma: Too broad-based. Besides, too many would be filed under that name. "The Lame Attempt at Being Cool".
Ifurita: Too broad-based again. How about "The Incredibly Lame Fanfic".
A-kun: Too broad-based again. How about "Yet Another Crap-Fic that's so Lame that it wouldn't even get into the Bad Fanfic File".
ACs: Oooooh, good one.
> as
>a conspiracy theory, but it was the only thing he had
Ranma: Because he was a lame-o.
>going at the time
Ifurita: Because he was a lame-o.
>and decided to follow it.
Ami: Again, because he was a lame-o.
> Sam had also heard of an urban myth,
Ranma: [Sam] That was such a myth, that it was URBAN...
> one about
>magical girls that fought with the power of love or some >shit
Ifurita: [snickering] Hmmm, [Sailor Moon pose] In the name of Some Shit, I will punish your happy ass!
> like that.
>It sounded a little too much like the spice girls fad from >last year,
Ranma: Hmmm, Rei would be Posh, Usagi would be Baby, Makoto would be Sporty, Minako would be Scary and Ami would be Ginger? Nah, wouldn't work. *WHAP* Ooooww! Ya didn't have to hit me, Ami.
Ami: I wouldn't sing, so don't bother.
> but
>after all that business with Spawn,
All: ?O_o?
A-kun: [snorting] As if THIS guy could defeat Spawn. Hell, this guy is so lame, he couldn't even get into the Live-Action Movie.
> however, it didn¦t seem so bad.
Ranma: [paling] I hope he and Spawn didn't do what I think that line means....
A-kun: [paling as well] So do I, so do I...
> Not
>compared to guys who ripped
Ifurita: -off-
> mafia hitmen
Ami: To pieces?
>¦s hearts out.
Ranma: I don't recall any hero doing that.
A-kun: Wait, maybe it's Ghandi 2. You know, this time, he isn't Mr. Nice Guy. He's back to kick @$$.
> And so now here he
>was,
Ifurita: A bigger lame-o than before.
> in Tokyo, looking for the guy who may have instigated the >whole
>damn media mess
Ranma: [Sam] I bet it's me again. I'm such an @$$hole. And so is the guy writing me.
>that had been the presidential sex scandal
>a few years
>ago.
Ami: What does this have to do with anything?
A-kun: Okay, first he's a criminal, then he's an under-cover detective? This is a bigger load of bull$^!+ than even all those "Sailor Earth" stories.
> Why Flynn did what he did was obvious:
Ifurita: Could you make that a LITTLE more confusing.
> he had all the markings of an
>abused child.
Ranma: Well, maybe if you TOLD US a few DETAILS, we'd understand what they were, ya dork!
> Sam didn¦t care much for that.
Ifurita: [Sam] I like my criminals without markings.
> He knew from years of
>experience that child abuse was a curse passed down from >abuser to
>abused, and that sometimes the only cure was a bullet.
Ranma: [chomping on bullets] Nope, still doesn't work.
>But that was the least mysterious of the case he had on >this guy.
All: ??O_o??
A-kun: What the hell are you talking about?
> For
>one thing, he moved like he wasn¦t human. He had to.
All: [in unison] That has to be THE stupidest follow-up sentence I have ever seen.
> After using up all
>his favors and using a couple that _weren¦t_ his,
Ifurita: [Sam] Hehehehe, that Demon-Prince won't be able to figure out _I_ was the flaming twit who used that favor. Heheheheheheheh-AAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKK!!!! X.X He's dead. The End.
All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
> he had gotten a file
>on how he
Ranma: was a flaming dolt.
> had escaped custody.
A-kun: Okay, Sam got a file on how Sam had escaped custody? What the hell?!
>According to the file, the agents sent to
>patrol him were massacred. The thing of it was that both >had gotten off
>at least a full clip each;
Ami: What would a paper clip do against anyone?
>and there was a lot of Flynn¦s blood on the
>wall.
Ranma: That or a lot of Flynn's ketchup. After all, Flynn WAS holding a bottle of Heinz.
> But the psycho still managed to kill them and be out of >there
>within 5 minutes. When looking for the deceased agents¦ >files, there was
>nothing.
Ami: [Sam] But maybe I should've looked in the filing cabinet instead of the Men's Bathroom.
>And, Sam had found a bug on his car 2 days later.
Ifurita: [Sam] EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeekk!! A GNAT!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk!
>The whole thing smelled coverup.
A-kun: So the 'Whole Thing' was as high as a kite.
> When Sam Burke added all the other info
>he had gathered to it,
Ranma: If that was supposed to make sense, it failed.
>it all stank of government conspiracy, the kind of
>stuff even A-6 didn¦t even handle.
Ami: A-6 is the codename for the bathroom.
A-kun: Inversely, Z-94 is the codename for the coffee and donut shop.
>And the only way he could prove
>anything was to find this killer.
A-kun: [Sam] Otherwise, how can I ever prove that I am a total LAME-O!!!
>Sam took a bite out of his huge sub, silently wished those
Ifurita: Damn metal bolts would stop holding the damn thing together.
>magical girls
>luck, and waited for the victims to start piling up.
Ami: So....he wants them to win, but he wants more victims from failure?!...the HELL!?
>Chapter 1
Ami: of Prologue 2, in the 7th position, of the 20th century of this existence, for the 895th bad fanfic.
>It was a beautiful sunny day in Tokyo.
Ami: So, the author decided to be a real S.O.B. and make it a s#^tter.
Ranma and A-kun: AMI!!!
>At the mall, a group of friends
A-kun: [singing] %I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall, I'll be there for you-yadda-yadda-yadda%... damn, can't remember the rest of it.
>ate lunch and watched the people skate on the skating rink >a level down.
Ranma: [Minako] Hey, watch me hock a loogie! [Spits on the skaters directly below her] Hehehehehehe!
>Usagi looked at her friends(altogether; Usagi, Ami, Mamoru, >and Makoto)
Ranma: [Edger Allen Poe] Nevermore....
>fondly, and took a huge bite out of her food.
[Ifurita makes a fart noise.]
Ifurita: [Rei] HAHAHAHAHA!! Gotcha with the old Whoopie-Cushion-Sandwich gag!
>Makoto bigsweated.
Ami: Because if she smallsweated, it would sound weird.
> _Um,
>Usagi-san, don¦t finish that all in one bite.÷
Ifurita: 'cause it costs 4000 yen.
Ami: Who's talking?
[A-kun, Ranma and Ifurita shrug.]
Ranma: I'd guess Makoto.
><what a great day,> she
>thought.<Friends with me, a sunny day, and I¦m even >getting used to being
>a superheroine. Maybe, everything is finally going to be >alright from now
>on.>
Ami: Who's thinking?
Ranma: Usagi?
A-kun: Makoto?
Ifurita: Mamoru?
>******************************&**&&**&&>**&&**&***********************************
Ifurita: Expect major flurries in the fanfic. Warning, due to the blizzard of *s, the fanfic may be crushed into oblivion.
>_Okay, this is it. I want Sytiracon¦s group to cover any >and all exits.
Ami: Again, who's talking?
Ranma: Mommy, what's a Sytiracon?
Ami: It's a stupid name created by the idiot authors.
>The rest of you, cover Joel while he sets the charges. _I_ >will take care
>of any, heheh, opposition."
A-kun: [mystery person] My @$$-Cannon will take care of anything with two nostrils.
Ami: [Lackie] What if they only have one?
Ifurita: [Lackie #2] What if they have three?
Ranma: [Lackie #3] What if they breathe through their skin?
>The person who spoke this to his small army
A-kun: Knife.
Ami: No, it's a bunch of plastic figurines. The 'person' is psycho. [Mad Grin]
> was wearing civilian clothes:
Ranma: A diaper and some shaving cream on his head.
>a Korn t-shirt and some baggy jeans.
Beavis: Korn! Cool! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
> His forehead had a tattoo of a
Ami: Teddy bear?
Ranma: The words 'Tube Steak Central'?
Ifurita: full-length photo of Bill Gates?
A-kun: Dork? Whoops, that's him.
>blood-red upside down crescent on his forehead,
[The MAT 2K crew groan.]
Ami: WHY must EVERY BAD GUY in these STUPID FANFICS _HAVE_ to have a STUPID UPSIDE-DOWN CRESCENT OR A STUPID BLACK CRESCENT MOON!?!?! GET _ORIGINAL_!!!!!
> however, and it had red
>teardrops running down to his eyebrows.
A-kun: [?O_O?] So, the tattoo's crying? OH!! It must be disgusted at being put on such a LAME-O!!
>He had blond hair and
Ranma: SURFER BOY!
A-kun: [hissing] Ranma! Do you wanna get us LYNCHED?!
>bluish-green eyes that were rapidly glowing dark emerald , >changing back,
Ifurita: Into what? NON-CIVILIAN CLOTHES?!
>and pulsing again, which showed just how excited he was.
A-kun: [Mystery Person] I'm warm and I'm very moist...
>For today, he
>would strike back at that queen bitch Serenity,
Ifurita: HEY! I thought he was informed that Queen Bitch Tiamat would be the one to attack Queen Bitch Serenity.
Ami: Too bad Usagi's going to miss this. She'd want to know who this 'Queen Bitch Serenity' is.
> which had tormented him
>so long, saying that it was to _heal÷ him. What bullshit!
A-kun: FINALLY! Someone in the story acknowledges what the story really is!
>And to top it
>off, she had left him to die during the black moon crisis.
Ami: Uh?!
>But now, it
>was
Ranma: Miller time!
> payback time.
A-kun: FINALLY! I've been standing in line for HOURS trying to return this Dubbed Bubble Gum Crisis video. (Quick Rant: BLAME THE PEOPLE WHO HIRE THE VOICE ACTORS, NOT THE VOICE ACTORS THEMSELVES! THEY'RE ONLY TRYING TO EARN A BUCK! IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO HIRE THEM WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE!!)
> He had escaped after a painfully long time,
Ami: [Mystery Person] Oooh, I've got such a rash from that!
> and had
>trained offplanet.
Ifurita: Offplanet went on to conquer the galaxy!!
> Through a lot of work,
A-kun: That should be 'Slacking off and playing Doom II'.
>he had gotten all he needed,
Ami: A Sony Playstation with FF7?!
Ranma: A gigapet?
Ifurita: A beer?
A-kun: A remote controlled car?
Ranma: A roll of toilet paper?
A-kun: Confetti?
Ifurita: A lucky clump of fur?
Ami: Magic Lucky Charms?
>not to mention that his family
Ami: Was mentioned!
> was sure happy to see him
All: die. The End!
>home 2 weeks
A-kun: after he was dead. Or were they terrified? He couldn't tell anymore.
Ranma: missing and confirmed stupid.
>later in _their_ time.
Ami: Huh? Is this a rip-off of Crono Trigger?
>Sytiracon, a dark-haired, stocky and well built man with
A-kun: two amputated legs,
Ranma: two missing kidneys,
Ami: no brain,
Ifurita: and no ribcage or spine AND...
> a collar around
>his neck, stepped forward.
Ami: How'd he do that?
>" Sir, I would rather lead the attack alongside
>you."
Ifurita: Saaaaaayyy.....
>"Why? So you can stab me in the back?
A-kun: [Mystery person] Didyoucallmeparanoid?I'mnotparanoid, you'reparanoid,no,I'mparanoid,noI'mnot,yesIam,okayIamparanoid,what'syourpoint?!
Ranma: Remember, even paranoids have enemies!
Ifurita: And it's not paranoia if they really ARE out to get you!
> No, I know you too well for
>that, my slave_,"
Ami: And he's calling Serenity a bitch? Pot, kettle, black, I say.
Ranma: [?O_O?] He's a bitch?
>the hell-bent
Ifurita: That's not ALL that's bent for this guy.
> commander sneered.
A-kun: SNEEEEEER!! SNEEEEEEER!!
> Sytiracon attempted to control himself
Ami: Why not just use that joystick that all men have?
A-kun and Ranma: AMI!!!
>and suppress the urge to rip out his throat.
Ifurita: Oooookaaaaay, so Sytiracon is attempting to control himself with his joystick and suppress his urge to rip out his own throat?.....the hell?!
><He DARES call me slave!!!>
Ranma: [Sytiracon] IN PUBLIC OF ALL PLACES!!! I WARNED HIM NOT TO MENTION OUR RELATIONSHIP THIS LOUDLY!!!
>The people of his race never, under any circumstances,
A-kun: picked up the tab!
Ifurita: called the day after!
Ami: picked up their filthy underwear!
Ranma: declared that no one, under any circumstances, declared something under any circumstances.
>called another
>slave.
Ifurita: Soooo, his race, which are all slaves, should never call another slave? How do they communicate to each other over long distances or contact relatives?
> The slave-collar, now encircling _his_
Ami: pen-
A-kun and Ranma: STOP!!
>neck, prevented him from polymorphing into his true form,
Ifurita: Ummm, why the hell did you change out of it in the first place?
>and the
>elf-stone in his heart let the hell-spawn practically give >him a heart
All:.....the hell?
Ami: Giving Sytiracon a heart...you sick, perverted WEIRDO!!
>attack whenever he wanted.
A-kun: Yeah, that bastard always scares the crap out of everyone when he bursts into their rooms screaming just as they're about to fall asleep.
>And he had done that as well, as sadistically
>curious as a child ripping the wings of a fly,
Ranma: Soooo, let me get this straight. Basically, this Mystery Person used a slave collar to keep these people from doing their 'Business' in their true forms and put an elf stone in them, thus giving them a heart, and he didn't know what the hell they did? And it's likened to be as sadistically curious as a child ripping the wings of a giant fly?
> bringing him to the edge
>of death.
A-kun: And now he's complaining about being on the edge of seeing Death naked too! What a whiner!
>Sytiracon stepped back,
Ranma: Trying to fart was extremely painful with that ELF STONE giving him a heart so he wouldn't rip one in a crowd!!!
>his eyes promising revenge,
A-kun: So he WANTS to rip @$$ in a crowd? This guy is a certifiable weirdo.
>while the accursed
>demon's eyes followed his, mockingly.
Ami: [Sytiracon] Dammit! This Demon's eyes in the picture follow you where ever you go! Is THERE ANYWHERE WHERE IT WON'T FOLLOW YOU?!?!?!?
Ranma: To the bathroom. It's shy.
> "Well, now that that's in order,"
A-kun: HELLOOOO! FANFIC!!!
>the hellspawn known as Flynn said after Sytiracon >withdrew,
[Ami and Ifurita look around frantically trying to figure out what they missed while Ranma and A-kun run to the bathroom.]
>" Go out there
>and have fun!
Ifurita: No thanks. I think I'll just stay in this clock tower and pick off random people.
> Kill as many civilians as you want, we're gonna bomb the
>place anyway,
Ami: Yes, they've been saving up their gas for three years, and now, as they stride into battle, they plan to fart in unison, thus blowing the city to pieces...what sickos!
> but leave the Sailors to me. Now, let's
Ifurita: Stay here and lounge some more....
> go!!!!!!"
>He followed his men out,
Ifurita: then ran back in and locked the doors, giggling like a school fish.
[A-kun and Ranma return, looking pale.]
>practically quivering with anticipation.
A-kun: [quivering with disgust] Bleeaaahhh....just what I DIDN'T need to know....
Ranma: Please tell me that someone shoots him. I don't need the image of a warm and moist Mystery Person trying to look triumphant....
><I always looooove killing peoples, heehee!>
A-kun: Can we have a LITTLE lamer dialogue, please? I think some of our readers AREN'T disgusted at the horrible writing.
>**************************&&&*****&&&am>p;*******&&&****&&&*****&&&>amp;*******************
Ranma: Yes, I wish this fanfic WAS buried in the Antarctic before that Angel blew up, causing the second impact... [watch Neon Genesis Evangelion for more...]
>Usagi felt something tap her shoulder.
Ami: It's the Mystery Person!
Ifurita: With their Mystery appendage tapping her on the shoulder.
>It was Makoto.
All: GYAAAH!! Makoto is the Mystery Person?!!?
>"Usagi, there are
>people
Ami: Over there. We should kill them.
>-with guns-
Ranma: [Usagi] Duh! That's SWAT.
>at the doorways.
A-kun: No, I thought they'd be on the CEILING!
>We better transform."
Ifurita: Can we, A-kun?
A-kun: Oh, all right. Just this time.
>Usagi took a
>quick glance and nodded, numbly.
Ranma: When hasn't she been?
Ami: Ranma, I'm warning you....
Ranma: Sorry...
>Any minute now, someone would see the
>thugs, start screaming,
A-kun: Because of the thugs' tacky outfits and afeminite costume jewelry....
>and they would have a situation on their hands.
Ami: I'm amazed at the combined wussiness of that crowds of people display.
>And someone did notice,
Ifurita: Well, if Makoto did, then she would be that someone.
>as they all quietly snuck off to whatever
>secluded corners they could find.
A-kun: [passerby] Thanks for the look at your undies, baby! *CHARBROIL*
>And, in mid-transformation, they began to hear, at first >one solitary
Ranma: Cricket! Now, let's transform!
Ifurita: Demon-Goddess Power, MAKE UP!
Ami: Mercury Crystal Power, MAKE UP!
Ranma: Martial Artist Power, TRANSFORM DOO-HICKEY WORDS!!
[Ifurita turns into Sailor Demon-Goddess, Ami turns into Sailor Mercury, and Ranma changes gender, then turns into Sailor Martial Artist.]
>scream, gunfire, and more horrible screams, and just as >horrible
>gunfire......................
A-kun: That horrible, horrible, horrible gunfire....maybe they should move away from the firing range that the NRA set-up.
>********************&&&&******&&&am>p;&******&&&&*********&&&&a>mp;***********************
A-kun: ICE 3!!!
SMA: Ha. Ha, A-kun.
A-kun: Heh-heh-heh...
>While the thugs picked off anybody that they thought might >become a
>problem,
A-kun: [Thugs] LOOK! IT'S HAPPOSAI!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
A-kun: [Happosai] Pantiiiiiieeeessssss!!!!
>Joel and his two guards set pipebombs on
SM: Their foreheads.
SDG: [Joel] Heh-heh-heh! Now, let's get outta here and back to base!!
A-kun: Pipebombs? How cliche! That's totally fourteenth century.
>walls. Some had
SMA: Brains and left, not letting the stupid authors control them.
>gas
A-kun: Yes, they did. Phew!
>oline canisters attached.
SMA: To their dumb-@$$es!
>Joel, after wiring the whole place to blow(on his remote >command),
SM: HEY! That's from Tyco!
>finally made it to the Ice skating rink.
A-kun: And noticed that all the thugs were skating and holding hands.
> "Kill them," Joel commanded the
>guards as he pointed to the fools who were stil on the >rink.
SDG: Hey, isn't that Urawa? And Usagi? And Umino? And Naru? And Chibi-Usa? And Minako? And Mamoru? And Luna? And Artemis? And Shingo?
SM: Yeah...
>Like
>shooting fish in a barrel, the grunts gleefully
A-kun: [O_O] Grunts? Joel is GRUNTING GLEEFULLY?!!?
> disposed of the skaters,
>who pathetically slipped around, trying to run away, until
SDG: Tanya Harding bashed the kneecaps of the Authors.
A-kun: Come ON! Anyone who can skate mildly would be off the ice by the time the gunfire BEGAN! What stupid authors.
SMA: Hey, how come you didn't capatilize Authors in that sentence?
A-kun: 'Cause they don't deserve the appropriate title of Authors.
>being bloodily
>cut down by gunfire.
SM: What? Are they using automatic knife throwers?
>Once they were all dead, their corpse
All: ;;;;????O_O????;;;;
SMA: Their CORPSE?
All:.......the hell?
> bleeding all
>over the ice, Joel poured the rest of the gasoline >canisters onto the
>bloodstained rink.
SMA: This may be a tad sick, but...LOOK! Ring around the rink!
A-kun: Joel, being just as pathetic at skating, slipped and fell on his sorry ass and was killed brutally by his own minions, just like the idiot authors should be.
SDG: Getting a tad edgy?
A-kun: Where the hell are the Senshi?! Come on! The transformation takes only ten seconds for the Inner Senshi and Sailor Moon's takes a maximum of thirty seconds. This is pathetic!
>Joel smiled."OK, let's get the hell outta here!!"
A-kun: [Joel] On second thought, because this story is so lame, let's just sit here.
>********************&&&**&&&&&a>mp;******&&&&&&&************&am>p;&**********************
A-kun: FREEZE IN HE-ACKK!! LET GO!!! [A-kun is dragged out of the theater and put in the Decontamination Tank.]
>Flynn walked around, surveying the damage with glee.
Ami: But, unfortunately, it was cut short when he had to pee.
><But-where is _she_?>
Ranma: THAT'S what WE wanna know.
>He soon saw a mall security guard run at him
Ifurita: [Mall Security Guard/Fanboy] Mister Flynn, I'm a really big fan and everything, but could you be less of a dink?
> and shoot.
Ranma: At the geese.
> Flynn felt
Ami: A fart coming on.
>piercing pain in his chest and thought he was going to
Ami: Explode....WAIT NO!!! DON'T!!! [A horrible stench fills the theater.]
>collapse.
Ranma: I think _I_ might....
> Then, as
>always,
Ifurita: He was crushed, the END!
ACs: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
> the nano-bots in his bloodstream, with their horribly >defective
>version of the kessen-chu,
Ranma: Made him fart again!
Ami: Nano-bots? Those Tamagotchi rip-offs that Tiger and a few other corporations in America are making? THOSE NANO-BOTS?!
Ifurita: That means that either the authors intended something else OOOOORRRRRrrrrrr Flynn has the biggest veins in the world.
>began to slowly, painfully, repair the
Ami: damage done to the story's credibility.
Ranma: Ami, get real. That could NEVER happen. No Nano toy could hope to repair this. It's beyond repair.
>ruptured skin.
Ifurita: Nano-bots from the Ponds Institute.
> He said,÷Nice aim.
Ami: [Security Guard] Thanks! I practice once a year! [stupid laugh]
> Here, play with this,÷
Ranma: BLEAAAAAAAAH!! He better not be WHIPPING anything out!!!
> and threw a
Ami: Temper-tantrum.
Ifurita: Grenade at the authors.
Ranma: Brain. His. [Flynn] Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.....
>spiked ball at the gurad,
Ami: That's nice, but what good is it to throw a spiked ball at a Gurad? Those things are impervious to all physical attacks.
Ranma: But, they're also incredibly stupid, like Flynn. [Flynn] Here boy, see spiked ball? Go! Go Fetch! [Throws spiked ball]
Ifurita: [Gurad] WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!
[The Gurad paused to wet on Flynn's pants, then chased after the spiked ball.]
> the spiked ball began to buzz,
Ranma: A passerby took out a rolled-up newspaper and squashed it.
Ami: Well, you know, other things buzz too...
Ranma: [shuddering] I hope it's not one of those...
Ifurita: You hope it's not one of those remote controlled airplanes?
> and spinning
>incredibly fast,
Ifurita: Yes, for $24.95, you too can have a lame spinning spiked ball! Or, if you actually wanted to be respected, you can rent the Phantasm Ball-o-Death for $2,235.95 per minute of use!
>and moved into the guard¦s crotch area.
Ami: HEY! I thought he threw it at the Gurad!
Ifurita: He did. He missed.
[Ranma covers himself.]
Ranma: Thank kami-sama he missed the Guard's crotch.
Ami: Though, wouldn't you think that it would move in the guard's crotch and not just the area?
> As the guared
>screamed
Ranma: Guared? Oh, those must be those INCREDIBLY BIG cicadas!
Ami: Of course. They LOVE to scream for no apparent reason!
> and Flynn giggled,
Ami: [Flynn] Teehee! That's so funny! I wonder what the Gurad and the Guard are doing now!
Ifurita: At least it can't get any lamer than this!
> the buzzing morning star,
Ifurita:........
Ami:........
Ranma:........
> completely
>chunkified the guard¦s
Ranma: [whimpering] PLEASE say it's his peanut butter....
> genitalia,
Ranma: Whew!
Ami: Ranma, it wasn't peanut butter.
Ranma: [o_o] [O.O] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! [XP-I-<] (If you don't get the last one, tilt your head to the left)
> putting it through the equivalent of a
>meat grinder.
Ifurita: So, basically, it just pulled a Bobbit manuever.
Ranma: AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
Ami: You know, from Ranma's reaction, this isn't something that men like to kid about.
>Then it finished, as a shred of the dead guard¦s testicles
>*splat*-ted against the wall.
[Ranma races out of the theater as A-kun leaves the Decontamination cell.]
>Flynn emoved his spiked ball
A-kun: Emoved? Do you have ANY idea as to how LAME that is? Put that TYCO remote control down and use your own damn powers! First it's E-mail, then E-sex, now it's E-moving! For crying out loud, when is everyone going to start doing their own crap again?!
[A-kun sits down.]
>from what was
>left of the guard¦s body and switched off the spikes,
A-kun: What is that thing anyway?
Ami: It's a spiked morning star.
A-kun: SPIKED morning star? First of all, you don't 'switch off' the spikes on a morning star. Secondly, a morning star is always attached to a stick or a chain which is attached to a stick. To remove the head of a morning star would be to give you a fraggin' spiked ball. NOT a spiked morning star. Thirdly, this story is lame enough without the crappy authors thinking they can be cool by using something that, even in the movie it was used in, was equal to a super-high tech weapon which is beyond the authors' ability to even comprehend. Now, Ami, what's been going on?
Ami: Okay, Flynn took out his balls and threw them at the Gurad, but it moved into the Guard's crotch AREA (apparently it just hovered in that area for a few hours), then the Guared screamed and Flynn's balls performed a Bobbit manuever on the Guard and *splat*-ted his testicles against the wall. And Flynn laughed about his own balls getting *splat*-ted.
A-kun: Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and puke my guts out.
Ami and Ifurita: Excused.
Ifurita: Hey, when did we transform back?
Ami: When A-kun was in the decon. It was a bit useless to have our transformation on while we were reading without A-kun.
Ifurita: And when did Ranma change back to a male?
Ami:........
> while laughing and
>quipped, _Bet you though the worst problem you¦d have today
Ami: [Guard] Yeah, I _THOUGH_ the worst problem I'd have today was going to be you and your damn authors.
>would be two
>teens fucking in your bathrooms, huh?÷
Ifurita: [Guard] Yeah....wait a minute! TWO TEENS ARE FUCKING IN MY BATHROOMS AT MY MANSION?!!? AARRRRRRGGGGG!!!
>His question was answered as Sailor Jupiter came
Ifurita: So THAT'S what the Senshi have been doing.
Ami: [fuming] I-AM-GOING-TO-KILL-THESE-AUTHORS.....
> running at him,
Ifurita: kicked him in the groin 'area', causing him to scream in pain and double over, sending the pain to the idiot authors. Sailor Jupiter then summoned Jupiter (the Roman God), who blasted the shit out of the authors and their crappy avatar. The End.
> with
>what appeared to be a mixture of
Ami: Tequila and orange juice!
>anger and malice
Ifurita: [Jupiter] Take this! [Swings her chalice into Flynn's groin area]
Ami: It's MALICE, not CHALICE!!
Ranma: [returning] Sure Ami, keep telling yourself that.
> showing on her face.
Ranma: When did her face turn into a TV screen?
>"Your reign of
Ami: Spiked balls is over!
> terror ends
Ranma: In two hours or three-hundred seconds. Which ever comes last. When the tour is over.
> NOW!" she screamed as she ran at him,
Ifurita: [Rei Ayanami] Stay away from my Eva, you home-wrecking Bi-
Ami: THAT'S ENOUGH!
>preparing an attack.
Ranma: [Jupiter, downing another can of beans] One moment... *SLUUUUUUUURRPPPPPPP* [Bends over]
Ami: Ranma, let that one loose in here and we'll reenact the spiked ball and the guard's groin area.
[Ranma runs out of the room as A-kun enters.]
A-kun: Where's he headed?
Ami: Don't know.
[Suddenly Ranma shoots past one of the windows.]
A-kun: Ah, stepped out for a minute.
>An enormous sword
Ifurita: SSSSSHHHHHHYEAAAAAAHRIGHT!
A-kun: Was nowhere near Flynn. Mamoru had to readjust his pants. [To Mamoru fans] THERE! Happy?
> seemingly appeared out of nowhere
A-kun: [looking sick again] I don't wanna know where he hid that...[turns green and clutches his mouth shut]
> in Flynn's
A-kun: SKULL! The END!
All present: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!
> hand,
Ami: It's brown and a lot of smelly brown and green stuff is falling off it.
A-kun: AMI!!!
> and
>he sidestepped S.Jupiter
Ifurita: That's all nice and well, but what about Sailor Jupiter?
> with amazing speed.
Ami: Only to step in a pile of the stuff that's fallen off his sword.
>"Correction," he said as he
Ranma: [re-entering] Pulled his own finger!
[FFFFRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!]
Ifurita: Kami-sama!! The smell!!!
Ami: DAMN FLYNN!
>brought the sword down on the
Ami: salami sandwich. He just hated it when the guys at Subway didn't cut his sandwich right.
> back of her neck.
Ranma: Let me guess, he's going to spank her with the sword next?
A-kun: [entering] Why is he knighting her?
Ifurita: [Flynn] I knight thee S.Jupiter, because my authors couldn't be stupider.
> "It's just
A-kun: [Flynn to authors] Stupid, okay? This entire thing is stupid! Never write ever again!
> _Beginning_."
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
>The split-second of pain before decapitation left
Ami: Great, now they're introducing characters that do nothing but LEAVE!
> her face
Ranma: Which her? There have to be over a hundred and fifty GAZILLION women who could be called 'her'.
> in a permanent
>scream,
Ranma: Damn Guared!!
> of surprise and anguish,
Ifurita: [whoever 'her' is] You have my diary?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
> as her head cleanly popped off her body,
Ami: [to the authors] Look, will you stop focusing on the popcorn? You're writing it into the story!
Ranma: At least whoever 'her' is, her head is clean.
>and a geyser of dark red blood gushed out of the bloody >stump.
A-kun: Where did the bloody stump come from? What's with the dark red blood? FOR KAMI-SAMA'S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?!?
>A scream of "Jupiter, NOOO!!!!"
Ami: [the screamer] DON'T LET HIM NEAR YOU!!! HE'S OBSESSED WITH POPCORN AND CLEANLINESS!!!
> was the only thing that alerted him to
Ranma: The story's existence?
>Mercury.
[Mercury (the planet) falls and crushes Flynn.]
All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
> It was all he needed, as he spun around to meet her >attack.
Ami: Too bad he didn't meet me.
[Flynn gets the crap torn out of him by Ami's attack dogs.]
> His
>gauntleted fist slammed
A-kun: onto the table. Those morons at Radio Shack had given him Duracel! He specificly asked for Energizer!
> into her abdomen,
Ami: Good thing he didn't touch me. I'd have to kill him. Abdomen is fully capable of annihilating this ass-munch.
> lifted her up,
Ifurita: Whoa, whoa, whoa! He had Ami's Abdomen, not her.
> and flipped her
>over his back.
A-kun: That is SO perverted.
>He turned around and took a look at the wounded, but not >quite dead,
Ami: Am I evil or what? I mean, come on! I'm doing more damage than the thugs!
>senshi. She was struggling to get up, covered in blood;
A-kun: [Sailor Mercury] Whoa......AAAAH! [Sailor Mercury falls on her duff]
>both hers and
>Makoto's;
Ifurita: Since when did flipping someone make them bleed?
> and felt a hand stroke her hair playfully,
Ranma: Flynn giggled and slapped the hand away.
> then jerk it up,
A-kun: Hmmmmm, I could give you the Jerky Boys look or there's always Bob Brenly, the Infamous Jerk. (Sorry to all Bob Brenlys who aren't jerks)
> as
>he pulled her up to her knees.
Ami: Did he rip me to pieces? If he did, he'd better know that I regernerate at a rate of 1 lost limb per turn and I'm immune to death. In fact, tearing me to pieces is like tearing a troll to pieces without burning it. There's just more of me! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
A-kun: No, this is an Un-Hyped Ami, Ami.
Ami: Those JERKS!
Ranma: You hyped Ami?
A-kun: She seemed so helpless in the Anime until she gets the Aqua Illusion attack, so I decided to give her a constitution that would make a troll god envious.
> He studied her for a moment.
Ranma: Spank her! *KA----BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* [Ranma is imbedded in the far wall]
><Hmmm.She
>isn't dead, but will lose consciousness soon. And I've >always wanted a
>personal slave....>
Ami: [turning bright red] If he touches even an alternate version of me, I-WILL-ANNIHILATE-HIM!!!
>His musings were stopped short by
A-kun: A string of webbing surrounding him. Yes, Spiderman was on the scene!
> Sailor Moon appearing on the bloody
>battlefield.
Ifurita: Great! She'll be invincible!
Ami, A-kun and Ranma: Huh?!
Ifurita: If Sailor Moon is a klutz by nature, putting her in an area where she's sure to slip and fall will make her stay up!
Ranma: Ah, The Sure-Fire Back-Fire train of thought that Murphy was so famous for!
> From the bloodstains on her suit,
A-kun: Hmmm, Ranma, let us look away.
Ranma: Right.
[Ranma and A-kun look away.]
> and the tears pouring out
>of her red eyes,
Ami: Red eyes? HEY WAIT A MINUTE!! Those are baby blues! This is a FAKE USAGI!!
[Ranma and A-kun look back at the screen.]
Ranma: She's a BUMA!!! It's LARGO MARK III!!!
Ifurita: Now with Kung-Fu Grip!
[Sailor Moon bursts out of her skin to reveal a 55-C Buma. It wastes Flynn with it's particle beam, then points at him. The satelite weapon blows what's left to pieces.]
> she had been attempting to help the innocent bystanders,
>and hadn't succeeded much.
A-kun: Yeah, it might help a little more if you got rid of the people causing the fraggin' damage BEFORE you try to repair the damage.
> Her eyes met his; her's reflecting outrage,
>his, amusement.
Ranma: That sentence, has, too much, punctuation, bung-holios!
> "So, you gonna make a speech or what?"
Ranma: [pulling a plasma rifle] No.
Ami: [pulling a HML (Heavy Missle Launcher)] No.
Ifurita: [pulling her Power-Key Staff] No.
A-kun: [powering up to Super-Saiyan A-kun mode] No.
> he said jokingly,
>still holding Ami by the hair.
[KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! Only six pieces of Flynn remain. His right pinky, his neck (back half only), his left foot, his right foot (minus the shoe), his left thigh (which is floating in place), and his right shoulder blade (nothing else, JUST the shoulder blade).]
> " Aw, screw it." He dropped Mercury and
>launched an attack:
Super Saiyan A-kun: Ha. Ha. Now, stop playing with your damn toy sub and actually DO SOMETHING USEFUL!!
>"NOVA BEAM FIRE!!!!!!"
SSA:...........
Ami:...........
Ifurita:...........
Ranma:...........
SSA: Nova
Ami: Beam
Ifurita: Fire?
All: BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
> Suddenly, a wall of white fire
>erupted towards her,
Ami: Where did THIS come from?
> and Flynn took pleasure in her pitiful attempts to
>get cover from the blast.
Ranma: And Sailor Moon took pleasure in Flynn's pitiful attempts to hit her with the blast.
> He followed it up by pulling a _huge_ gun
Ifurita: Look buddy, that thing ain't bigger than four inches, so stop trying to make it sound impressive.
>(think
>Rotarr's gun; that is, if you've ever seen it)
Ami: Who the hell is Rotarr?
> out of a fold in his cloak
>and firing at her.
A-kun: Uh huh. Let's see, he's a lame-o demon and he needs a fraggin' HUMAN gun to beat anyone.
> He was clearly not aiming not directly at her,
Ranma: So he was clearly aiming directly at her.
Ami: Because otherwise she's gonna Bobbit him.
[Ranma and A-kun cover themselves.]
> but
>rather bouncing the superheroine around,
All:.......the hell?
> toying with her like a cat with
>its prey.
Ranma: Can you make that sentence a LIIIIIIITTLE stupider?
>A red rose sprang out and hit Flynn's gun, like an arrow.
Ranma: So a rose sprang out of the gun and hit the gun, like an arrow? Only if that arrow is totally confused!
>Flynn threw the
>gun away, where it exploded due to an overload caused by >the rose.
A-kun: Okay, that's GOT to be THE stupidest cause for an explosion I have EVER seen. And what of the shrapnel? Did Flynn's Tamagotchis repair the damage?
> Tuxedo
>Kamen hovered, angry and vengeful.
Ifurita: Hey, I never knew he could just hover, angry and vengeful.
Ami: He CAN'T hover. He can jump really far.
> Flynn nonchalantly glanced at him and
>said, "Hey, you're part of the Nipponian Ambiguisly >Gay Duo, aren'tcha?"
A-kun: Not gonna touch that one.
Ranma: At all.
Ami: Ever.
>The Demon's
Ifurita: Demons don't bother with Human weapons. They kill their opponents with Magic, Brute Force, Cunning, or Cheap Shots, but no guns. In fact, they would be looked down upon and banned from their home plane.
> mocking attitude infuriated him.
Ranma: You know, I hate this fanfic. Let's destroy it together.
All: OKAY!
A-kun: SUPER SAIYAN A-KUN!!
Ami: ULTIMATE MERCURY POWER, MAKE UP!!
Ranma: SUPER SAIYAN RANMA!!
Ifurita: ULTRA IFURITA!!
[The MAT 2K crew powers up to their ultimate forms.]
Super Saiyan Ranma: MOUKO TAKABISHA DEATH STROKE!!
Ultimate Sailor Mercury: HELL FROZEN-OVER STRIKE!!
Super Saiyan A-kun: SUPER SAIYAN A-KUN FANFIC DESTROYER!!
Ultra Ifurita: ULTRA IFURITA I-HOPE-THE-AUTHORS-GET-SIMULTANEOUS-STROKES STRIKE OF DEATH!!!!
[BAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]
[KAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]
[PAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]
[DEATH STAR EXPLOSION SCENE, FULL VOLUME AND ATTACHED TO STADIUM SPEAKERS]
[The MAT 2K cheer as the fanfic is annihilated. They leave.]
[Door 1: It's a vault door. You smack against it as it closes. Dazed, you continue on.]
[Door 2: It's Ifurita. She knew you'd try to peep again. She smacks you about for a bit, then toss you down the corridor.]
[Door 3: It's a shower curtain. It closes as you pass through.]
[Door 4: It's the losers who wrote the fanfic. You pull your ACME Annihilator and blow them away. Again.]
[Door 5: It's Indiana Jones standing across a pit. He swings his whip to you and you swing across. Again.]
[Door 6: It's a box. You 'oooooh' and 'aaaaah', roll your eyes and continue.]
[Stapler]
[The MAT 2K crew arrive on the bridge, all looking pale as they just barfed up their lunches.]
A-kun: Ugh, that's not for those with stomachs. At all.
Ami: Great, do we have to compliment this story?
A-kun: Are you kidding? Of course not. It sucked, the plot was lame, it gives no explanation for weapons, we have no idea where this Flynn guy met Sailor Moon, the authors obviously don't know that the Healing that Sailor Moon can do MUST be desired by the people being healed or it won't work, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mercury were BOTH portrayed as ordinary girls when their powers give them sixteen times the strength and speed of athletes (or something close) AND there was bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
Ranma: Not to mention that Flynn is a total lame-o. If I were so inclined to destroy any fanfic, it had to be this one.
Ifurita: AND Flynn merely marks up the reputation of all us Demon-Gods, Gods, Demi-Gods, Demon Princes, Demons, and such.
Ami: AND Flynn gets his hands on items that would've been guarded by high ranking Demons and Mages. AND he was using weapons not even developed in our world or even our universe, which makes me wonder as to how this lame-o ever got them in the first place. And, by the way, I know eighty-two forms of Martial Arts. You don't think I just read books to learn useless information, do you?
A-kun: And finally, I hereby renounce the authors of this fanfic. Thank you, Theo Mintesnot, for showing us that any idiot with a computer still remains an idiot with a computer, regardless of how cool he or she thinks they are.
Ranma: Of course, you do realize that only certain kinds of people can be THIS kind of bigot.
A-kun: Yes, and I'm ashamed to even be of the same gender as these idiots. I think everyone that's on-line is ashamed to be of the same gender as these idiots. So, I'm going to kick back, splash some more Jusenkyo water on myself and I'll be back for another MATing soon. Sorry if this is a little late, I got delayed quite a bit as my computer was getting a bit slow on the upload. Two hours is a little long to get a story up. I'm going to have to empty out my hard drive soon.
Finished: 3-25-98
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