Reply to akun16@hotmail.com 
(Turn off the lights and watch as your screen explodes in
3....2....1....just kidding.)

	Hey there, everyone.  I'd just like to say that in this
series, I'm only C&Cing and making witty comments.  I don't,
in any way, mean offense to any of the authors or
original show Mystery Science Theater 3000, who have spent
hours on end working to make this idea possible to form in
my head.
	My anime friends are from these worlds: MST 3K (I have
to use Cambot after all!), Sailor Moon, El Hazard, Ranma
1/2.
	Please don't sue me!
	Enjoy! ^_^;

(This might be a bit difficult to sing...)

There was a senior in high school named A-kun,
He had two brothers who worked at M.H.I,
One day they brought him in to clean up the place,
But they didn't like the job he did so they shot him into
space...

(Hey!  You can't do this!  I know people!  REAL people!)
(Yeah, but they're the ones paying us to do this!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find! (lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
and we'll monitor his mind! (lalala)

Now keep in mind A-kun can't control
where the fanfics begin or end. (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
to summon his anime friends!

Anime Roll Call:
Cambot! (Pan left.)
Ami Mizuno! (Hi there!)
Ifurita! (What is the purpose of this?)
Ranmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...(I'm DIFFERENT!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
and other science facts, (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Anime Theater 2000...

[In space, a giant stapler is floating over Earth.  This is
the Satelite of Anime.  We enter...]
	[Ami and Ranma sigh.  Suddenly, Ifurita and A-kun leap into the room wearing Robin and Batman outfits, respectively.]

A-kun: Never fear, Bat Volume Guessing Man is here!

Ifurita: Shut up, A-batkun-chan.

A-batkun-chan: What is it, Rubber-ducky-girl?

RDG [menacingly]: What did you call me?

ABKC: Uh....nothing, Ms. Demon-Goddess, ma'am!

	[Suddenly, the Mads light begins flashing.]

ABKC: Hold it, Dumber and Dumbest are calling.

[Deep Throat 4]

Dr. Matheus: I HAVE to rename this place.  AH!  A-kun, I'm feeling good today.  So, I'm sending you a short 'fic today.  It's called 'Jackpot'.  Enjoy it, because tomorrow, you're getting an even worse one!!

[SOA]

A-kun [now out of the batman outfit]: Wow, he must be in a good mood, I-

	[The lights begin flashing and the sirens go off.]

All: OH NO!!  FANFIC SIGN!!!!

	[They all scramble for their access ports.]

	[Door 6: It's a leaky faucet.  You call a plumber and he fixes it, but gives you a horrendous look down his pants.]
	[Door 5: It's Tatewaki Kuno making a speech.  You take a big stick and whack him on the head.  He drops to the ground, defeated.]
	[Door 4: It's a shower curtain.  You pull back to reveal Ranma-kun in the shower.  He screams and slaps you.  All you can do is look away and wonder what the heck the person making these doors was thinking.]
	[Door 3: It's a picture of Happosai.  You pull out a gun and shoot it to pieces, grinning all the while.]
	[Door 2: It's a rock from a Sentai show.  You pick it up and toss it aside, but not before it can do some hovering and change of directions a couple times.]
	[Door 1: It's a vault door that opens for you.]

	[Ifurita enters first, followed by Ami, A-kun and Ranma.  They sit in that order.]

>From: sac50552@saclink3.csus.edu (David G. Homerick)

Ami: He must have some really big sa-

	[A-kun covers Ami's mouth.]

A-kun: Ami, keep your comments clean.  This MAT is a non-lemon.

Ami: Dang.

>(Note: contains some strong language)

Ami: A-kun, please!!!  I have to swear once a day!

A-kun: No you don't.

Ami: Dang!

A-kun [muttering to himself]: Last time I summon random people to the satellite.

>Prologue -- Cat Cafe.

A-kun [serious tone]: Prologue.  Star date 3424325.235alpha-wang computers.

>Cologne is busy sweeping when the phone rings.  She picks >it
>up.

	[The MAT 2K crew cheers.]

Ami: Best acting in the entire fanfic so far!

>Cologne: Hello?  

A-kun: Mmasmdfmsdfmasfmsdgmdaahgkjahgakghkla.

Ranma [Cologne]: No, I don't want to be in a lame fanfic!  You tell that jerk that he can go shove my cane up his-

A-kun [covering Ranma's mouth]: This is a FAMILY MAT.  Keep it clean.

Ifurita [person on the other end]: I said I have Shampoo.  Pay me a hundred billion yen by midnight, or I'll have to tickle her feet.

>  No, Shampoo's busy right now.
>more>

Ifurita [person on the other end]: I said 'I HAVE SHAMPOO'!

>  Okay, I'll tell her.

Ifurita [person on the other end]: I SAID I HAVE SHAMPOO-

>She hangs up.

Ifurita [muttering]: Stupid old bat!

A-kun [Cologne]: Stupid young punk!

>Cologne:  SHAMPOO!

All: CONDITIONER! BODY WASH! SOAP! DEODORANT! MOUTHWASH! TOOTHPICK! Q-TIP! PENCIL! PEN! FLOSS! PNEUMATIC PRESS! HYDRAULIC JACKHAMMER! BORG COLLECTIVE PAPER CLIP!

A-kun [Cologne]: Finally, I can name everything in the bathroom!

>Shampoo enters.

Ami [Shampoo]: Did you HAVE to yell?  I was listening in! [muttering] Stupid old crone!  Why do I have to listen to that old twit!

>Shampoo: Yes, Great-Grandmother?

A-kun: [Shampoo] You bellowed?

>Cologne: Did you enter some sort of contest?
>
>Shampoo+s brow furrows.

Ifurita [Shampoo, thinking]: Uh-oh!  Did she find out about the wet t-shirt contest I went to?!

Ami: A-kun!  You said this wasn't a lemon!  Shampoo is +ing that s person!

A-kun: AMI!

>Shampoo:  Contest... yes.  Enter contest when order

Ami [Shampoo]: Man from escort service....VERY good service...

A-kun: That's it, you're taking a cold bath.

	[A-kun drags Ami out of the room.]

>magazine.  Super Lucky

Ranma [Shampoo]: Magic charms!  Is magically delicious!

>Jackpot Sweepstakes.  Is okay?

Ifurita [Cologne]: ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY yes.

>Cologne: Is fine.

Ifurita: When did Cologne talk like airhead?  Oops!  I meant like Shampoo...

>  That was them on the phone.  You+ve won.

Ranma: Who's this ve person that Shampoo won with?

Ifurita: I think there was an error in the author's apostrophe key.

>Shampoo:    Won what?

Ifurita: A pet rock!

Ranma: Some fungus from some guy's smelly feet!

	[A-kun re-enters with Ami who is sopping wet.]

Ami: You didn't have to toss me into the bath tub fully dressed, A-kun.

A-kun: I didn't want to be called a pervert! Again.

>Cologne:  The contest.

A-kun: Cologne, in this fanfic, is as smart as a bag of hammers.

>Shampoo:  Yes, but what Shampoo _win_?

Ranma: A roll of scotch tape.

A-kun: A roll of toilet paper.

Ifurita: A Tickle-Me A-kun doll!

A-kun: HEY!

Ami: A Tickle-My-Elmo shirt!

Ranma, A-kun and Ifurita: Eeeewwww....

Ami: At least she can give it to Mousse.

A-kun: Actually, it might improve his potential dating options.

>Cologne:  You've won the _contest._

All: Duh.  Tell that to Shampoo.

>Shampoo:  Aiya!  Shampoo know that!  What WIN!

All: THIRD BASE!!

>Cologne:  I keep _telling_ you...

All: THIRD BASE!!!

>Shampoo: What _PRIZE!_

Ifurita: FINALLY!

>Cologne:  Oh!  The whole thing.

Ranma: That doesn't make sense.

Ami: I think Cologne means Shampoo won a whole thing, like a sock that's intact.

>Shampoo:  _GRAND_ prize?

A-kun [Cologne]: No, dolt!  I said the whole thing!

>Cologne:  Yep.  One billion yen.

Ami: Unfortunately, it's all in ZZand.

Ranma: What's that?

A-kun [in a robotic voice]: It's kinda like dog poop.

Ifurita [in a robotic voice]: And it smells just as good.

>Shampoo's eyes grow wide and she sinks into a chair.

	[Shampoo's head explodes.]

Ami: A-kun, STOP THAT!  Her head didn't explode.

A-kun: Sure it did!  Someone tossed a toothpick at her head to try and get her attention.

Ami: That's mean, A-kun.

A-kun: Well, I'm sorry. Everyone else might like her 'Dumber than a brick' personality, but I don't.

>Shampoo:  Aiya...

A-kun [snidely]: That's the most brilliant thing she says throughout the entire series!

Ami: I think someone needs a time-out.

>Cologne.  Exactly.  Now get back to work.
>
>Shampoo:  Shampoo no have to work.  Shampoo rich!

A-kun: Or something that rhymes with it!

Ami: That's it.

	[Ami grabs A-kun's hand and begins dragging him out of the theater.]

>Cologne:  Shampoo be dead if not work.  Get UP!

A-kun: You tell 'er, Cologne!

>Shampoo scrambles to her feet.

A-kun: Squeak!  Squeak!  Squeak!  Hear that, Shampoo!  A MOUSE AIN'T AFRAID OF YA!

	[Ami and A-kun leave.]

>Shampoo:  Yes, Great-grandmother.

Ranma [Shampoo]: I completely subservient to anyone with mean tone of voice!

Ifurita: Hmmm, I think whatever got into A-kun, it's catching.

>                ***
>        Ranma 1/2: Jackpot
>                ***

Ifurita: You can just hear the video slot machine music, can't you?

>Scene i: Tendo Residence.

Ifurita: Those poor, unfortunate souls.

>Soun and Genma are playing Shogi, and Ranma is lying on his

Ifurita: P-

	[Ranma leaps over and clamps his mouth over Ifurita's mouth.]

Ranma: Family MAT, remember.

	[Ifurita nods.  Ranma goes back to his seat.]

Ifurita: pen! [Ranma] AAAAAAAH!!!  DANG!!  I SHOULDN'T HAVE JUMPED WITHOUT LOOKING!!!

>back, doing

Ifurita: Aka-

	[Ranma glares at her.  Ifurita stops, but grumbles.]

>nothing.  Nabiki enters.
>
>Nabiki:  Hey, you hear about Shampoo?

Ranma: Purple hair?  Bad vocabulary?  Easily outwitted by a mildly intelligent fungus?  Yeah.  What about her?

>Genma:  That shameless hussy!  What's she done this time?

Ifurita: Since when did Genma call her a shameless hussy?

	[Ranma shrugs.]

>Nabiki:  She won the Super Lucky

Ifurita: Magic Charms!

Ranma: [mentally listening to the song] That's Magic Lucky Charms.

Ifurita: [shrugging] We got away with it last time.

> Jackpot.  One billion yen.

Ifurita: At least there's no intelligence requirement for winning.

>There is a long pause.

Ranma: Ifurita, stop playing with the remote control.

Ifurita: It isn't me!

>Ranma:  Shampoo?

Ranma: Conditioner?  Hehehehe....

>Genma:  That sweet, gentle girl?  Come on, son, let's go
>get, uh, congratuate her.

Ifurita: Changes his tune quickly, don't he?

Ranma [Getting mad at his father]: Once money or food is involved, pops'll sell everything to get it.

>He climbs out of his chair.

Ranma: Unfortunately, he slipped and plummeted seventy feet to imminent pain.

Ifurita: They don't SIT in chairs either on pillows or on the floor.

>Soun:  Hold it, Saotome!  You wouldn't be planning to marry
>your boy to
>Shampoo, would  you?

Ifurita: Soun, this is Genma.  OF COURSE HE IS!!

>Genma:  What a wonderful idea, Tendo!  
>I'm glad you
>thought of it!

Ifurita [Soun]: Prepare for the Anything Goes Martial Arts Secret Technique: WEDGIE!

>Ranma:  Hey!  Don't I get a say in this?

Ranma: Me, trust me, no.

>Genma:  Of course you do, son!  You get to go down to the

Ifurita: Ice cream shop and say "I'm only 3, can I have a few thousand free kiddie cones?"

Ranma: Don't laugh.  He actually tried that once.

Ifurita: BLEAH!

>Cat Cafe and
>say "Shampoo, will you marry me?"

Ifurita: And she can say "Hell no!  I'm rich!"

A-kun's voice: Or something rhymes with it!

Ami's voice: BAD A-KUN!

>Soun bursts into tears.

Ranma: Genma is drowned in the initial wave.  The End.

>Soun:  Cruelly betrayed by my best friend!

Ifurita: At least he only stabbed you in the back and not anywhere more sensitive...

>Genma:  Now, Tendo...

Ifurita [Genma]: Stop blubbering!  I'll give you a cut!

>Soun:  And over a few measly yen!  

Ranma and Ifurita: A FEW MEASLY YEN!!!

Ranma: Soun, have you been listening?

>Genma:  Now, don't take it like that, Tendo.  You can still

Ifurita: Engage Akane to another loser...

Ranma: HEY!!

>adopt Ranma
>as your heir.  And then you'll be in the money too!

Ranma: Then, you have no legal control over me.

	[Suddenly, a gun shot goes off.  Ifurita screams.]

>Dead silence

A-kun's voice: Sorry!  I popped a balloon!  Teeheeheehee!  I'll do it again!

Ami's voice: BAD A-KUN!  And that wasn't a balloon.

A-kun's voice: Yeah, it was your vir-

	[The sound of bone being crushed is heard echoing throughout all of the internet.]

A-kun's voice: Right there!  Ooooo-ACK!

> falls as Soun considers this.  Then he stands,
>knocking over the

Ranma: the only support for the entire house, killing him and Genma.  The End.

Ifurita: Man, you're feeling dark.

Ranma: But, it's still daylight!

	[Ifurita whaps Ranma over the head.]

>shogi set.

Ifurita [Soun]: THAT WAS MY WIFE'S LEAST FAVORITE ITEM IN THE HOUSE!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

	[Ami and A-kun re-enter.]

A-kun: Hmmm, sounds like Soun and C-ko went to the same 'How to sob like a total wuss so everyone pities you' seminar.

Ranma: Yeah, and both failed the course.

>Soun:  Come on, son.  Let's get you married!

All: EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!

A-kun: Wait, he means Ranma to Shampoo.

All: Oh....EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

>Ranma:  Aw, MAN.

Ranma: I really have to go!

Ifurita [Kasumi]: I'm afraid we're all out of toilet paper.  Akane used it all to clean up after P-chan's messes.

Ranma: Then I'll have to use dad's handkerchief!  Then I'll put it back!  Just like last night.

>Scene ii  -- Akane's room.

A-kun: Unfortunately, Akane moved the camera to underneath her bed.

Ami: EEEEEK!!!  Something moved over there!

Ifurita: IT'S A ZOMBIE RAT!!!!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

>Akane is lying on her bed flipping through a magazine.  

Ifurita: Hmmm, Whip #1561-A in the 'Bondage' section looks good...

A-kun: It's the National Enquirer and she's looking at the article about how Bigfoot is getting over the marriage between his mother and the Loch Ness monster.

>Soun
>sticks his head
>into the room through the doorway.

All: EEEEEEEEK!!  YOU PERVERT!!!

	[The MAT 2K crew begins throwing things at the screen.]

>Soun:  Uh...

	[The MAT 2K crew cheers, claps, etc.]

Ami: His best line throughout the entire fanfic!

> you know that...

A-kun: [Soun] Security camera that's always turning on when you're in the bath.....uh....RANMA DID IT!!!

> that engagement to Ranma?

Ranma [sarcastic tone]: She's been living with it for over 3-7 months.  No, WHAT ENGAGEMENT?!!?

>Akane:   I don't want to marry that jerk!

A-kun [Akane]:  I'm out of government cheese.  This new stuff had better be good...

Ranma [Akane]:  Daddy.  Do you like my new socks or what?

Ifurita [Akane]:  Do you have any butter and cheese?

>Soun:  That's good... because it's off!  

Ranma [Soun]: Oh, and I've drained your bank account to pay off my gambling debts...so....

>Bye now!
>

All: EEEEEWWWW!!!!!

Ifurita: Wait, he means Soun leaves.

All: Oh.

>Akane:  Huh?

All: HE SAID...oh forget it.

>    Well, fine.  

Ranma: Look at that pure _RAGE_ that's on her face.

>Why would I want to
>marry that stupid creep anyway?

Ranma: HEY!  At least I can figure out that Ryoga and P-chan are one and the same!

>    He's rude,

Ranma: I'm better mannered than you!  At least I don't go beating on my fiancees just because they say something I don't like!

>and, 
>and mean,

Ranma: Only when it's to protect INGRATES!!!

> and, and I _don't_ want to marry him, I _don't_.
>  I
>don't care at all!

A-kun: Man, she's just cruising through that Quantum Physics book!

>_She throws the magazine against the wall and presses her
>face into the
>pillow.

	[The MAT 2K crew nod.]

Ranma: Classic denial.

>Akane  I _don't_ care.
>
>Scene iii -- behind Cat Cafe

All: WHOA!!!

Ifurita: They REALLY put a lot of effort making THIS scene!

	[The others nod in agreement.]

>Shampoo enters, carrying a can of

A-kun: Peanut Butter.  [Shampoo] BWAHAHAHA!! Those stupid cats going to PAY for making fanfic authors do weird and strange things to Shampoo!

Ami: Grease.

Ifurita: Glue.

Ranma: bread, bagels and vegetable oil.

> garbage.  She tips it into

A-kun: Her mouth.  [Shampoo]  *HIC*  Stoooopid...*HIC* old butt!  Hehehehe....*HIC*...stoooooooooooooooooooooooo-SNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

>a dumpster.
>Ranma steps out of the alley.

Ranma: No, if I stepped out of an alley, I wouldn't be in the alley behind the Nekohaten.

A-kun [Author]: Proper usage of words?  Pwsha!  Who needs it?

>Ranma:  Hey, Shampoo.

Ranma: You little bi-

A-kun: She has a fortune in the bank.

Ranma: You little honey-bunch!

>Shampoo:  Ai Lan!

Ifurita: I thought she was Shampoo.

>She rushes over

Ami: Beats him up and takes his wallet.

Ifurita [Shampoo]: That pay for all magic spice and free ramen!

> and embraces him.

Ami: Or more specifically, his p-

	[A-kun clamps his hand over Ami's mouth.]

>Ranma:  Aw, c'mon.  Look, we gotta talk.  open>

Ifurita: [Butthead voice] Huh-huh-huh.  [Normal]  Yeah, talk with her a LOT, you naughty boy!

>  This marriage
>is just about the money, y'know?

Ami: What marriage isn't?

A-kun, Ifurita and Ranma: HEY!!!

>  Pops and Mr. Tendo just
>wanna get their
>hands on your

Ranma: buns!

A-kun: igauna!

Ami: toilet paper!

Ifurita: bath water!

> loot.
>
>Shampoo:  Is okay!
>
>Ranma:  Huh?  You don't mind?

A-kun: No, no.  That should be 'Huh?  You have no mind, do you?' and the proper response is 'Of course not, silly!'

>Shampoo:  Shampoo gladly pay TEN billion for Ranma.

Ami [Shampoo]: Shampoo have proposal for you.  Ten billion yen for one night with Ranma.  No holds barred.  Shampoo get to use the whip-cream AND the whip.

>Ranma: Well, hell, then.

A-kun: Atta boy! Lose those morals!

>He sits on the ground and folds his arms around his knees.
>
>Ranma: I guess everybody's got my life all worked out.

Ifurita: Yeah, it's a plum-dandy one!

>Shampoo settles beside him and touches his arm.

A-kun [Shampoo]: OOH!  Shampoo get to touch Ranma!!  I SO HAPPY!

>Shampoo:  No be sad, Ranma.  Shampoo be good wife.  You >see.

Ranma: Okay, but won't Mousse argue about me watching you two go at it?

>Ranma: Okay, fine, whatever.

Ranma: My best line.  You can just feel the Shakespear, ne?

Ami, Ifurita and A-kun: HAI!

>Scene iv -- Tendo Residence

Ami: Wait!  Didn't we already have this scene?

>Soun is sitting quietly.  Genma rushes in.

Ami: Yep, thought so.

>Genma:  See here, Tendo, this isn't going to work!   If you
>adopt Ranma as
>your heir, you can keep all the money for yourself!  Who's
>going to support me
>in my old age?  You won't get away with this!  Do you hear
>me, Tendo?

A-kun [Gangster]: Yea, see, yea!

>Silence as Soun considers this.  Sweat appears on his brow.

Ami: [Genma] HOOOO-WEE!  That was a ripe one, Tendo!

>Soun:  I'll... I'll adopt you, too!

A-kun: Okay, this is just getting plain stupid.

	[The ACs nod in agreement.]

>Genma: DADDY!
>
>Soun: SON!

All: HI-KEEBA!!

>The two men embrace.

Ranma and A-kun: BLLEAAAAH!!!

>Scene v -- Bank of a drainage canal

Ifurita: Ah, but what city?!

>Ranma is idly tossing rocks in the stream.  Ukyo >approaches.

Ami [Pilot]: We have a bogie coming in at 7 o'clock.

Ranma: [Checking his watch] Hmm, only 6 o'clock.  Guess I'll step out for a burger.

>Ukyo:  You're really going to marry her?

All: HELL NO!  WE WON'T GO!  HELL NO!  WE WON'T GO!

A-kun: HELL NO!  I WON'T DO A SLUT!  HELL NO!  I WON'T DO A-mphf!

	[The ACs are holding A-kun's mouth shut.]

>Ranma shrugs, then nods.

Ranma: Do you have any idea of what you're DOING?!?!?

>Ukyo:  You don't have to, Ranchan!  I've got a better idea!
>
>Ranma: Really?  What?

	[Everyone listens in closely.]

Ifurita: I have sixty bucks it has to do with her laundry!

>Ukyo kneels next to him.
>
>Ukyo:    Marry _me_ instead!

All: WHOOOO!  You go girl!

>Ranma:  How's that better?

Ranma: YOU TWIT!!  DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A MAP!?!??!?

>Ukyo:  WHAT?

All: That's what we said!

>She unholsters her battle-spatula and holds the business 

Ami: WOW!  She's STRONG!

>end to Ranma's
>throat.

Ranma: [to other Ranma] Watch what you say!  You'll get us SMEARED!

>Ukyo:  Would you care to repeat that, Mister?

All: SAY NO!  SAY NO!!!

>Ranma:  _Damnit_, Ucchan!

All: OOOOOOooooooh....

A-kun: Tsk,tsk,tsk.  Such language!

>He grabs the spatula, twists it out of her hands, and >tosses it across the

All: WHAT?!  _WHAT_?!?!

>canal.

A-kun: What a disappointment.

	[The ACs nod in agreement.]

>Ukyo:   Good distance.

All: I can throw farther.

>Ranma:  Two days ago I was gonna marry Akane whether I
>wanted ta or not.

Ranma: Huh?  Is this after Ranma 1/2 is over?

Ami: I guess so.

>Now I'm gonna marry Shampoo whether I wanta or not.

A-kun: Ah, I see the problem.  He needs new socks.

>Everything's changed
>except the part that counts.

Ifurita: I'm telling you, it's the fuel injector.  If that thing goes, the whole thing is useless.

>Ukyo:  Ranchan... who do you _want_ to marry?  You've never
>given anyone

A-kun: I've noticed something.  Throughout the entire series, Ranma has never willingly given someone a kiss.  He's been close to it, but someone barges in, he's been drugged or hyponotized, etc.  Heck, even when he kissed Akane that one time, he wasn't himself.  He was in Cat-Fu mode.

Ami: It took you this long to notice?

A-kun: No, I'm just declaring it.  Just in case no one else has noticed.

>a straight answer.

>Ranma: I don't wanna marry anybody.  I don't wanna get
>married at all.  But I
>gotta.
>
>Ukyo: Why?

Ranma: Don't know.  Anyone wanna tell me why I have to get married?

A-kun: It makes for interesting situations.

>Ranma:  'Cause that's what'cha do.  Ya get married.

A-kun: Are you kidding?  I know 78 year old bachelors who are quite happy.  You don't HAVE to get married.  Man, Ranma, you are DENSE in this story.

Ranma: No kidding.  Wish someone, besides you A-kun, would give me some common sense.

>Ukyo:  What about love?

Ifurita: [singing] %What's Love got to do, got to do with it?  What's Love, but a second hand emotion.  What's Love got to do, got to do with it?%

>Ranma:  What about it?

A-kun: Well, it's painted on a seventy-foot Evangelion that's about to step on you.

>Ukyo jumps to her feet.

All: ZOUNDS!

Ami: I never knew someone could DO that!

Ranma: _I_ thought it was physically impossible.

>Ukyo:    I LOVE you, you asshole!  And Akane loves
>you...

Ranma: Funny thing, Akane's love...

>Ranma:    Akane don't love me.

Ranma: Sure, she does.  Just because she crushes your skull everytime you insult her...HEY!  That means she's a psychotic maniac!  Like Kodachi!

Ami: Except she tends to use mallets.  Kodachi uses poisons.  You know, it's frightening that Kodachi hasn't killed you yet.

Ranma [shivering]: Don't mention that.  In a few fanfics, she has.

>Ukyo:  Yes, she DOES!   And Shampoo loves you, and even
>Kodachi loves
>you, in her own demented way.  THAT'S 'what about it,'
>you... you creep!

A-kun: Uh...you creep?  I can come up with something that might get it through Ranma's head.  Ahem... "you...you jackass!".  Besides, she uses that more often.

>Ranma:  Jeez, Ukyo, calm down!  I'm sitting here talking
>'bout marriage and
>you suddenly bring up love, that's all.  What's love got ta
>do with getting
>married?

A-kun: Hmmm, who would like to beat the living crap out of Ranma?

	[Everyone raises their hands.]

A-kun: Thought so.

>Ukyo:  You don't think it would be nice to marry someone >you love?
>
>Ranma:  I told ya, I ain't got a choice.  At least Shampoo

A-kun: Is something that rhymes with 'witch'.  Only with a 'B' in front of it rather than a 'W'.

Ranma: We already know what you think of Shampoo, thank you very much.

>likes

Ami: the pretty finches?

Ifurita: his tamagrouchi?

Ranma: my p- [sees the looks from the others] oh, right.  Family MAT.

A-kun: The breeze going through her empty skull?

Ami: Can you lay off?

A-kun: NO!  Like Nobody is about Akane, I'm the same way with Shampoo!  I HATE HER GUTS!!  I RENOUNCE HER!!!

Ami: Then you can't ever make fun of her in any other fanfics.

A-kun: Damn.

>me, right?  And she's cute,

A-kun: My a- sorry, family MAT.

> and she can cook,

A-kun: As well as Akane, I'll bet.  Hmm, [Shampoo] put noodle in water.  Boil water.  Wait for 10 minutes.  If noodle still there, serve to customer.  [Normal, but VERY sarcastic] Real complicated, ne?  Bet it took YEARS for her to master it.  [Normal] Meanwhile three year-olds are looking at the recipe and going "Pshaw, I learned that one years ago."

> and now she's
>got all
>that money, too...

A-kun: Yeah, just wait until other people hear she has the money too.  One order-by-mail catalog and bye-bye cash.

Ami: Man, you don't like her one bit, do you?

A-kun: Let's just say that if I ever meet her in real life, she'll walk away from the meeting with at least seventy-six new insults in her vocabulary.

>  Look.  I used to think I could pick one
>of you,
>but I was just fooling myself.  Pretending I had a choice
>when I
>didn't.

A-kun: Poor boy.  You know, maybe instead of knocking Akane or Ranma off, someone should just kill Shampoo and Kodachi.  Save Ranma the trouble when he snaps.

Ifurita: Feeling dark?

A-kun: Why do you think I accepted the Jusenkyo curse?  It's not right for a guy to hit a girl, but if a girl hits a girl, it's just dandy.  [A-kun laughs darkly.  The ACs move a seat away from A-kun.]

Ifurita: Ami, maybe you should get Usagi up here.  We need her to exorcise the demon in A-kun.

Ami: Gotcha. [Ami takes out her communicator and begins communicating with Usagi.]

>  So I went to Cologne and I made a deal.

Ranma: A deal with the devil, ne?  Ranma, you moron.  No one can come away from a deal with her without losing.

>Ukyo:  What kind of a deal?

A-kun: An EVIL deal, no doubt concerning the still breathing Shampoo.

one.
>That
>gives me five years of freedom with nobody pushing me about
>getting
>hitched.

Ranma: Okay, that might be worth it.

Ifurita: You actually want freedom?

Ranma: That's all anybody wants.

>  Yeah, I'd like a Hollywood-movie marriage, but it
>ain't in
>the cards for me.  Can't every- one hit the jackpot.

Ranma: Ranma, Ranma, Ranma.  Don't you get it?  If you can't win through fair play, stack the deck!

>Ukyo turns to leave.
>
>Ranma:  Ucchan?  If you see Akane tell her... tell her I'm
>sorry.
>
>Ukyo:  About what?
>
>Ranma:  Just... everything.

Ami: Kinda nice to see a story that is as emotional as this.

A-kun: What a @#%$#$%#$!^^$^@$^@$%&@^$.  Shampoo is a BIMBO!  Like Minmei.  She is not to win or succeed in any plot.  She must be KILLED!

Ami: Okay, Usagi's ready.

	[Usagi Tsukino, aka. Sailor Moon, appears.  She transforms in Sailor Moon.]

SM: Moooon Crystal Healing...ACTIVATION!!! (I don't know what the Japanese version of this is, so I'm using the Evil DIC Dub version.)

	[Light bathes A-kun.  A-kun blinks.]

A-kun: Huh?  What's been going on?

Ami: Nothing much.

>        -- David Homerick 2/9/97

A-kun: Is that anything like a Home-run?

	[The ACs groan.]

Ami: At least he's back to normal.

SM: Bye now.

	[Sailor Moon vanishes.]

A-kun: Let's go.

	[Door 1: It's a vault door that closes after you.]
	[Door 2: It's a rock from a Sentai show.  You pick it up and toss it aside, but not before it can do some hovering and change of directions a couple times.]
	[Door 3: It's another picture of Happosai.  You pull out a gun and shoot it to pieces, grinning all the while.]
	[Door 4: It's a shower curtain.  It closes as you pass through.]
	[Door 5: It's Tatewaki Kuno still on the ground, defeated.]
	[Door 6: It's another leaky faucet.  You call a plumber and he fixes it, but gives you another horrendous look down his pants.]
	[Dogbone.]

A-kun: So, what good things can we say about this story?  Ami?

Ami: It's not absolutely a resolution 'fic, but it does basically trap Ranma by his honor.

A-kun: Ranma?

Ranma: Or something more precious to me.  I guess Pops and Mr. Tendo would do something that stupid, so they ARE IC, but otherwise, I don't really think I'd be that stupid, despite popular opinion.

A-kun: Ifurita?

Ifurita: Uh....it reveals Akane and Ranma's hidden emotions.

A-kun: And I personally thought it sucked.  No sex, very little violence and everyone seems hell-bent on making Ranma into a certified prick.

Ami: Hey, I thought we had to say something good about the story and-

A-kun: Not to mention that BIMBO SHAMPOO WON!!  DIE!!!  DIE!!!


Ifurita and Ranma: GET USAGI BACK HERE!!!

ACs: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Hmm, it seems A-kun's been possessed.  Not good.

Danny Boy: Why's that?

Dr. Matheus: His possession may give him more resistance.  We have to help the ACs exorcise A-kun.  Get the Exorcising Cannon ready.  We'll send it up immediately.

Danny Boy: Right!

Dr. Matheus: Oh, and push the button.

\|/
--- FWOOOOOOO-PINGCLUNKGRIIIIIIIIIIIIIRINK!!
/|\

	Everything property of their respective owners.

See ya!

 - Soun:  Come on, son.  Let's get you married! -

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968/MST

               ( geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968)                   ( geocities.com/tokyo/island)                   ( geocities.com/tokyo)