Date: Tue, 24 Nov 98 09:48:36 GMT
From: David Stewart Ledger 
Subject: [FFML] [MST] MSTing challenge response, part 1

Heyo,

This is responding to A-kun's offer of a large fic to MST...doubtless
there'll be sixteen superior versions on the list by the time this comes
out, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

This is my first time posting -any- kind of fiction, so private C&C would
be massively appreciated...

This part contains chapter 1 and one of A-kun's messages...


Mystery Science Theater 3000 [Unlicensed Fanfic Edition] presents:

	A-kun's "What An Odd, Odd World" [intro message and Chapter 1]

MSTed by Wraither.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the property of Best Brains Inc.;
"What An Odd, Odd World" is the property of Ben McCrillis.

Danger signs?
	Violent content: None.
	Lemon content: None.

[Cue adapted MST3K Love Theme (based on Season 8 version)...]

[Feel free to skip ahead to the "FANFIC SIGN" line if you don't like
 these MST introductions...]

[We pass backwards through the corridor: door 1 (an air-vent grille in
 the wall which opens from the bottom), door 2 (a blue glowing
 forcefield), door 3 (an old-style cage lift door), door 4 (a black,
 spiked iron portcullis), door 5 (a lemming Blocker that appears in a
 large explosion), door 6 (a bulkhead door marked "Lusitania"), and
 finally the wall closes up behind us as we enter the bridge.]

Mike: Oh, hey there, welcome to the Satellite o'Love. Y'know, just
lately something really wierd happened; we were just drifting along,
Pearl chasing us or whatever it is she's doing, when we nearly get
rammed by this space-bike that turns up outta nowhere.

[In the background we see Crow and Tom "acting out" the collision.
 Tom actually does ram Crow, however, with enough force to knock him
 backwards off the edge of the screen. There is a loud crash.]

Mike: [winces] Well...anyway, it turns out it was a "Fuffamal" courier,
whatever that is, with a message for Pearl. And she's really groovin'
over it, too; she's been sending us nasty little messages ever since.

[Reaches below the table and brings up a tape-recorder, which he
 activates.]

Pearl: [VO, recorded] Oh, hi there, Meltson. Just thought I'd let you
know that your personal Armageddon is at hand...

[She begins to snigger evilly. In the background we can faintly hear
 Bobo and Brain Guy dutifully attempting to laugh along, although the
 overall effect is rather less than menacing. Mike shuts it off.]

[Crow arises from below, rather battered from Servo's reenactment.]

Crow: Did we get another one?

Mike: No, just - [notices Crow's condition] Hey, what happened?

Crow: Just Servo's little joke. Don't worry, Mike, I'll get my own back
in some subtle and utterly devastating way.

[Tom arises. There is a tomahawk embedded in his dome. He hasn't
 noticed.]

Mike: Servo! There's a tom-

Tom: [cuts him off] Of course there is! This ship wouldn't be the same
without at least one of me aboard; why, I think there should be dozens
of me's, just in case of emergencies...

Mike: No, in your head, there's a tom-

Tom: [interrupts again] Well, there's been many a psychological
discussion about that, Mike - the nature of the soul, the presence of
personality in artificial intelligence, the id, ego and superego...

Mike: [losing coherency] An axe!

Tom: "Enact"? We already did that part, Mike. Crow helped me out.

[Mike has lost it altogether.]

Crow: Pearl's calling...

[We see Pearl, lazing comfortably on a deckchair that has been set up
 on a beach planet. Behind her, Bobo and Brain Guy are keeping up a
 harrassed-looking shuttle service of drinks, ice coolers, parasols
 etc. from the back of the Widowmaker.]

Pearl: Why, it's Uncle Mickey and his Travelling Toy Fair!

[SOL - Tom and Crow sniff haughtily. Mike is attempting to pull the
 tomahawk from Tom's head.]

Pearl: Y'know, it's been a long time since I got really excited about
sending you a 'fic, but this time is special.
[intense] Wanna know why?

[SOL - Mike has removed the tomahawk. They all shrug and look vague.]

Pearl: [manic] This one was a request! By the -author-! He -wanted- it
to be tested on you, and that means it must be so bad, even he couldn't
stand to read it any more!

[SOL - They all look tense...]

Pearl: I even threw in that request message for you...here it comes!

[SOL]

Crow: Is this gonna be bad, Mike?

Mike: I'm not sure, Crow.

Tom: I feel a draft...

[Sirens, lights, divers alarums]

All: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN...!

[Through the passage we go. The same doors, but running forwards this
 time (so, for example, the lemming Blocker explodes into nothingness
 as we reach it.) We move into the theatre as Crow, Mike and Tom enter
 from the right. The usual giant movie screen has been replaced with a
 giant computer screen displaying some nondescript wordprocessor. As
 Mike and the robots get seated lines of text begin to move slowly up
 the screen. First, that introductory message...]


>From: "A-kun McCrillis" 
>Subject: [FFML] [MST CHALLENGE UPDATE] FINALLY GOT IT UP!


Crow: Hey, this ain't alt.impotence...


>  Okay, I've finally got it up.  Now, you won't be able to get it via
>standard link (I haven't had the time update my page),


All: ....

Mike: Not to be impudent or anything, Mr. Author, but is commanding
your audience to do your site maintenance for you really the best way
to win readers...?


> so write down this address or follow the link.
>
>http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/3968/bad1.txt
>
>  And voila.  Some bad fanfiction in need of MSTing.


Tom: Is he trying to take the fun out of this or what?


>P.S. If you STILL can't get it for some reason (you can't get on 
>Geocities, etc.), contact me and I'll send it out to you.
>
>Ben McCrillis 


Crow: [sings] There she was - just a'walkin' down the street -

Mike + Tom: [sing] Singin' A-K-A-kun, A-K-A, A-kun!


>


Mike: I didn't know there -was- a planet called Scottish.

Crow: TARTAN HAGGIS POWER, MAKE UP!

Mike: Oh, that's...cheap. Very, very cheap.


>reply at akun15@hotmail.com


[The screen stays blank for a few moments after that last piece of text
 disappears. Then there is a brief, dischordant electric fanfare from
 somewhere and the fanfic proper begins to scroll up.]


>Ranma 1/2
>by B-kun


Mike: As opposed to Rumiko Takahashi...

Tom: I thought he was called A-chan?

Crow: This is from the past; he must have a better opinion of himself
nowadays. Anyway, I think it was D-hime.


>the Super-fan


All: SUPER-FAN!

Crow: [sings] Super-fan, ow!...


>What An Odd, Odd World


Mike: [author] Everything feels so strange after sixteen pints and a
bongfull or two...perfect time to write a fanfic.


>Introduction


Mike: Robots, fanfic; fanfic, robots.

Crow: Crow, fanfic; fanfic, bite me.


>	This is my first Fan Fic, so please be nice.


Tom: You be nice to -us- and we'll be nice to -you-.


>  I was inspired after reading other peoples Fan Fic.


Crow: Ahem.

Mike: "Inspired".

Tom: Yup.


>  Right off the bat, Thank you, Rumiko Takahashi.


Mike: [author] "Why", you ask? Uh...she did the, um...proofreading.
I'm certainly not using any of her works or anything...


>  And I must aplogize to the skilled author's before me,


Tom: The skilled author's what?

Crow: [author] I'm applying this -aplogy- to the skilled author's
corpse before me. I really shouldn't have eaten his brain; talent
transferral just doesn't work like that...

Mike: Ick...


> I may be using some of their material.


Tom: Where's the Plagiarism Police when you need 'em to come and BURN
this fanfic and LOCK THE AUTHOR IN CHAINS and then-

Mike: Whoa, easy, easy...deep breaths, Tom...


>  I feel compelled to explain some things in my story.


Crow: That's nice. D'you think maybe you could throw in a little
descriptiveness here and there, some characterisation, maybe a hint of
escapism...


>1.  The beginning of this story starts about ten years after actual
>'Ranma time'


Mike: [Aborigine] Y'know, back in the Ranma Time, we had guys that
changed into girls, and martial arts an' that...


>and starts in Texas, USA.
>2.  The beginning also doesn't have Ranma, but trust me, he's in here.


Crow: [sings] Trust...who do ya?

Tom: Not good ol' Y-dono, that's for sure. He doesn't even know his own
pseudonym.


>I basically explain most of the events.  But, at times, I don't have
>time to write the whole boring story.  So, I'll have Author's notes.
>Please bear with me.


Mike: Ah, the good ol' precept of "I can't be arsed so YOU fill in the
blanks"...cornerstone of good fiction.


>3.  When we finally arrive to point where Ranma finally comes in, it's
>their senior year.


Crow: [Ranma] I used to be a martial artist, y'know!

Tom: [Ryouga] Move outta the way, you old git; Matlock's on...


>4.  I can't express enough about how confusing this story is (In my
>mind, it all makes sense).


Crow: Him and Dr. Thinker, eh?


>  And hopefully, all questions will be answered in the story.


Mike: Meaning of life!

Tom: Why Pearl keeps doing this to us!

Crow: How many Smarties it takes to fill Wembley Stadium!

Mike + Tom: ...what?

Crow: Uh...I don't know why I said that, actually...


>5.  Happosai has actually left for months when he comes in.


Mike: Anyone understand that...? No, didn't think so.


>(Author's note: unfortunately, I had to try to tie up as many loose
>ends as possible.)


Tom: Always the best policy when dealing with Happousai. A few
padlocks and chains help too...


>6.  Alot of things may come a shock, so don't spoil things and prepare
>yourselves.  It's fun.


Crow: [pause] What is he talking about? The story we're about to read,
the latest film at the cinema, yoga, Life in general, Christmas presents...

Tom: And to think, those two lines could've been used to write...well,
anything that actually meant anything would be a start...


>7.  One more thing, anything written between { } is said in chinese.
>Everything written between * * is in english.  + + indicates an
>ancient langauge.  Thought is between [ ].


All: Yeah, whatever...


>The rest is in japenese.


Tom: Hey, my favourite language! ["japenese"] I say, I say, I say, can
you three gentlemen of various races tell me where the nearest cafe is?
There's a sniff of my buttonhole in it for you if you can...


>8.  And one final note,  this adventure will be China, America, and
>Japan.


Crow: [news-reader] The populations of China, America and Japan were
mystified today when every particle of those countries instantaneously
vanished, leaving behind twenty A4 sheets of paper...


>9.  This is the final note (I swear),  I really didn't research the
>medical or scientific facts presented in this Fan Fic.  Enjoy!


Tom: That's okay, we wouldn't want you to be responsible for your own
stories or anything...


>10. Ranma and co. are a lot more open minded in this story.


Tom: [dangerous] Just -how- open-minded? Unpleasant 'fics have been
born of open-mindedness...


>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------


Crow: I don't know about you guys, but I feel this strange desire to
go line-dancing...


>Ranma 1/2
>Chapter 1
>The Experiment
>
>	A young man looked up from the piece of paper he was carrying


Tom: [paper] Dear sir; you have been selected for the new governmental
eugenics program. Please follow the directions below to our testing
centre and enjoy a happy, healthy future. PS: if you have any spare
chihuahua DNA lying around, could you bring it along? It'd help us a
lot...


>and stared at the huge building in front of him, then at the gate in
>front of the building.


Crow: Come on, you can't leave it there! For God's sake, what is his
position relative to the gate?! We need to know!!


>	He was about five foot nine inches with blue eyes,
>brownish-black hair, and had a moderate build.  His black shoes,
>grey shirt, and blue jeans all showed a lot of wear and tear.


Mike: [author] The wart on his cheek had three hairs sticking out of
it, while the scab on his knuckle was just turning that shade of
blackish-red that meant it would soon fall off and start bleeding
again. We now return you to the start of the story, apologising for
any disruption.


> As the young man approached the gate, the guard asked if he could
>help the young man.
>	*"Yes, is this the university of science?"* the young man
>asked.
>	*"Yes."* the guard replied.


Tom: I never thought I'd say this after "A Time For Giving"...but
PRONOUNS! We need more PRONOUNS!

Mike: The University of -Science-? Now there's a wierd town name.


>	*"I'm Orion Fleiss.  I was told to come here for a test."* 
>the young man said, getting straight to the point.


Mike: Shouldn't that be "Yes, I'm Orion Fleiss. Yes, I was told..."?

Crow: Yes. [suddenly bursts out laughing] "Orion Fleiss"?!

Tom: Orion and his Fleiss...if only he didn't pay so much attention to
his belt he might save himself some embarrassment every now and then.


>	*"One moment, I've got to confirm you."* the guard told Orion.


Tom: [Orion] This is no time for that; besides, I'm not Catholic!


>	Orion nodded as the guard went in his guard box, picked up a
>phone, and punched a few buttons.


Mike: Why does he need to hold the 'phone to punch buttons?


>  He then proceeded to describe Orion, nodded three times, then let
>Orion pass.


Crow: Boy, those Masons, eh?


>	["Finally, after an entire year without a decent paycheck."]
>Orion thought.  He had spent the entire year looking for a good
>paying job, he had spent all of his money looking in almost every city
>in the mid-west.  Either he wasn't qualified, there were no openings,
>or it wasn't decent pay.


Tom: Or he should have picked up his Welfare once in a while and bought
deodorant.


>	But, thanks to the new animal rights movements, he was about
>to make a fortune by being a test subject.


Mike: [Orion, dumb] They pay me a million bucks to eat catfood all
day...sweeeeeet...


>After looking over two floors and three offices,


Crow: [sings] I'm lookin' over...a low-grade office complex...


>Orion arrived at the right room.  (No,he doesn't have the Ryoga
>complex


Mike: Pathological homicidal tendencies?

Crow: Fear of non-Jewish chefs?

Tom: Trance-like fantasy life?


>(ability to get lost in the same building).)


Tom: Y'know, if I had a dollar for every line in this fanfic that
doesn't really make any sense...

Mike: ...we'd be suffocating 'cause there'd be no room on the Satellite
for air.


>	A tall scientist wearing glasses walked up to Orion and asked
>*"You are Orion Fleiss, aren't you?"*


Crow: [Orion] Aw, do I have to...yes, alright, my name is Orion Fleiss!
ORION - FLEISS! There, y'happy?!


>	*"Yes, I am."* Orion responded. A male scientist with a
>ponytail about Orion's height walked up and began questioning Orion.


Tom: [scientist] Welcome to the Dance Academy of Science! Now, to
start with you'll be using this ponytail as a partner, but soon...


>	*"You do have cancer, right?"*


Crow: So refreshing to see tact, subtlety, discretion and sympathy in
a scientist nowadays...


>	*"Yes."*
>	*"How long have you had it?"*
>	*"About two years."*
>	*"And how did you get it?"*


Mike: [Orion] Let's just say, I was wrong and the people at the Anti
Coca-Cola Foundation were right...


>	*"Another experiment.  I had an ulcer before, a group tested a
>possible cure for an ulcer.  Something involving radiation."*


Tom: [Orion] Yeah. Tragedy, horrible. Mistakes, lots of 'em, screaming.
Machines, sharp blades and probes. Well, that's my life story, how's by
you?


>	Both present scientists raised an eyebrow.  A female scientist
>walked up and said *"It shouldn't affect the results much."*


Crow: A carefully considered opinion! Not having listened to the
conversation at all she walks up and slaps the answer down on the
table! Female empowerment, yeah!


>	*"So....are you guys testing a cure for cancer?"* Orion asked.


Mike: [scientist] No, we just get off on hearing about strangers'
suffering. Cookie?


>	*"Yes. Mister Orion, you are going to be a pioneer in medical
>and scientific research."* the thin scientist announced.


Crow: [scientist] Never before has there been a guinea pig this naive!
Mr. Fleiss, you're going down in history!

Mike: So Fleiss is his first name?


>	*"Does this involve needles?  Cause if it does, you can just
>find another pioneer."* Orion announced.


Tom: [Orion] No way, man! No needles, man! You can take your cure and
stick it; I'd rather have my gonads eaten alive by tumours than that!


>	*"No needles.  Here's a jumpsuit.  It has remote electrodes in
>it so we don't have to bother with annoying wires."* the female
>scientist told Orion, handing him a jumpsuit.


Crow: [scientist] So behave yourself or ZAP! if y'know what I mean...


>	Orion walked into another room, dressed,


Mike: But he -was- dressed. The author made a point of telling us that.
He -was- dressed. He -was-.

Crow: Why is that so important?

Mike: 'Cause I don't want to think about him having been -undressed-.

[All shudder]


>then came out feeling rather goofy in the red and blue jumpsuit.


Crow: Mmmm, ready-salted Fleiss. I can't eat just one!

Tom: Not only does he look, sound and act goofy but he now feels it
too. Isn't there some kind of proverb, involving ducks, about
situations like this...?


>After signing a waver to any legal actions, he was told to stand in a
>tube that slightly resembled a can with half of the middle cut out.
>*"Now, all I have to do is stand here, right?"* Orion asked, double
>checking.


Mike: Can I recap? The scientists only just found out he had cancer and
have no idea what type it is, they've told him nothing whatever about
who they are or what they're going to be doing, and yet despite the
fact that he'd rather die from cancer than take an injection he's
climbing straight into this bizarre machine of theirs which could be
a nuclear fusion chamber for all he knows...

Tom: Yep, that's about it.

Mike: So it's not all in my head then?

Crow: Nope.

Mike: [sagging] Oh dear...


>	A hollow intercom voice replied *"Yes, are you ready?"*


Crow: [Orion] Yes, no!


>	Orion nodded, praying that this would work.  The scientists
>each went to three separate buttons, pushed them, then walked to three
>levers.  *"Now!"* they yelled in unison as they pulled the levers.


Mike: Ah, mad science a la Disney cartoons!


>The two male scientists ran to a bunch of monitors to check if the
>treatment had destroyed the cancer,


Tom: [Orion] Um, hello? Nothing happened...hello? Hello? Do I even need
to be here?


>as a bright light fillled the experiment room.  As the light died, the
>female scientist checked to see if Orion was okay, then she interupted
>the other scientists who were trying to figure out what the monitors'
>readings meant, *"Ah, you guys.


Crow: [female] You guys, you guys. Y'know, you just crack me up. I love
you guys! Buds for life, eh?


>I'm not sure, but I think we should try to figure something else
>out."*


Mike: [female] I'm not sure, though. I mean, I think...well...perhaps.
I mean, is it even important that the guy's been turned into a frog?
Do we -need- to know why?


>	*"Like what?"* the pony tailed scientist asked.
>	*"Like where our test subject is."* the female scientist
>responded.


Tom: NAME the damn scientists! How much effort does it take to NAME
them?! [seethes audibly]


>	*"What?!!"* the other two scientists said in unison, racing to
>see what could have possibly happened.


Crow: Wouldn't it be better to see what could have -probably- happened?
Or even what probably -did- happen, or even...


>	The three frantically tried to figure out what had happened to
>Orion.
>	*"Uh, you guys.  Maybe we should have plugged it in."*


All: ...huh?


>the glass wearing scientist said.


Tom: "They all stared at the glass. 'Hey, you talked!' said the female
after a moment. 'Nice perfume, by the way. What's it called?'"


>They all looked at the plug that the scientist was carrying, panicked
>and ran screaming out of the room.


Crow: [scientists] BAKELITE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!


>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------------------------------------


Tom: Oh. Huh. Well, that was quick...

Crow: The doors aren't open. Guys, the doors aren't open. GUYS...

Mike: Uh-oh...

[We suddenly see a split-screen; the theatre is on the left while a
 close-up of Pearl, with a very evil grin, appears on the right.]

Pearl: You're not done yet! That was just chapter one...

Tom: Aaa...

Pearl: ...of thirteen.

Tom: ...aaaAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!

Pearl: Not to mention the extra endings and author's afterword...

[They're all screaming now. Pearl smiles even wider and toasts them
 with a glass of fruit juice.]

Pearl: Enjoy! [sniggers as the split-screen disappears. Fade to
black...]

To be continued...unless someone begs me to stop...:D
	--Wraither (David S. Ledger)
	--ledgerd7@cs.man.ac.uk

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968/MST

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