A-kun and TharzZzy's Anime Review of BAD PORN
Don't read if pornography or it's descriptions offend you.
BTW, if you're wondering where we stand on Dubbed versus Subtitled, it doesn't matter much to us. The first one you hear is the one you'll like the most anyway, because you feel it fits better. The main thing we think about is cost versus having to watch the subtitles. Some people can follow the subtitles fast enough while others can't.
Besides, it doesn't matter much. No matter which you buy, the opening and ending songs will be in Japanese anyway, save for the Fatal Fury saga, Tekken and a few others.
And you can ignore MOST of TharzZzy's opinions. He felt I pretty much said it all.
Anime Ratings: These are our opinions on these Anime. You may object to the ratings given. 0 means don't even bother with it. ***** means you've gotta see it at least once (an hour!).
Mixing Codes: If there are two things that conflict, such as Romance and Combat, this means there's a little of both. The proportions may not be fair. When there's something like Combat and Blood, that means the fighting may vary. Some fights may not get as brutal as others.
Main Codes: What's listed under Main is the main theme of the series or at least what we felt was the main theme. The others are varying.
Rating Codes:
[Silly] - There's at least something that'll make us smile. Silly moments what everyone can enjoy. If this is the Main Code, that means that if you don't get or don't like most of the jokes, don't bother seeing the rest of the series. It's probably not your thing.
[WAFF] - You get a Warm And Fuzzy Feeling when you see this movie. WAFF means the stuff that may follow some angsty scenes and it should get you the feeling that everything turns out for the better.
[Angst] - There's some depressing/serious scenes. If this is the Main Code, then there's a lot of angst in the story. Don't expect too many happy moments.
[Combat] - There's conflict in the story. Whether it's purely physical like hand-to-hand fighting or just competing in sports, there's a conflict. If this is the Main Code, then the world is probably surrounding fighting.
[Blood] - Expect some REALLY violent fighting. Weapons will most likely be used to draw blood. Sometimes, it won't be much, but it will be there. If this is the Main Code, it's probably pretty violent all throughout the story.
[Violence] - Ultra-violent stuff here. Those with weak stomaches should NOT watch this. If Main Code, expect some rather excessively violent scenes.
[Romance] - Ah, love. Not for those of iron stomaches. They'll rust. If this is the Main Code, don't expect much of anything else.
[Underwear] - There are a lot of shots of underwear/tight swimwear or people in states of partial dress. They might have torn clothes or it might be that a girl's skirt gets blown up. In some cases, you'll get Crotch Camera, which, depending on your preferences and the gender of the person with Crotch Cam, may make you either get a nosebleed or retch. If this is the Main Code, then get used to the butt-shots and Crotch Cams.
[Nudity] - *blush* Yes, there's probably some topless girls running around or at least you'll see the nude back of a girl.
[Sexual] - *AHEM*, there's some more-than-obvious sexual interactions or more than subtle hints to that angle. It may be cut short before they get going or they might decide to fade out just as it's begun, but there is definitely sexual scenes suggested. If this is the Main Code, then people under the legal age should probably not view this unless it's for a sexual education course. In other words, you can see some positions often found in the Kama Sutra.
[Twisted] - If Twisted is ANYWHERE in the code, then expect sick or perverted things. Example: Tentacle beasts, horny space monsters, ogling of women, strange fluids, etc.
[Bizarre] - Expect the strangest things. Cats turning into coats then back to cats, creatures too bizarre for words, and just unusual/unnatural things. Monsters, demons, and genetical-made freaks are included.
[Sci Fi] - This is either super high-tech stuff or unusual vehicles that would not normally appear on Earth. Aliens also fall into this category. Unless in the Main Code, the world doesn't revolve around this super-tech.
[Magic] - These are usually magical worlds. They may not be heavy in magic, but there's usually at least a spell or a chant. If the Main Code, well, you get the picture. This category also works for anything that involves psionics, spiritual energy or any other form of super-natural attack.
[Religion] - It's usually a presentation of another Religion, most likely one familiar to Japan such as Buddhist, Taoist, Shinto, Christianity, etc. If it's the Main Code, there's stuff within that may be stuff that may be offensive to those who are heavily religious as this will probably present a new form of religion that may contradict yours. Close-minded people beware.
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Battle CanCan (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Sexual][Twisted][Bizarre][Sci Fi][Violence]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Underwear][Magic][Combat][Blood]
A-kun's Review: While there are some vaguely funny parts just after the theme _music_ (not a song, just MUSIC) at the beginning, the rest is pretty much [_crap_]. Imagine five girls and a robot making up a team of "super agents" that are codename: "Battle CanCan". Yeah, they've already worked in the title. Now, give them the ugliest outfits in the universe, bad hair colors for a few members, a compulsion for voyeurism, and an exhibitionist complex and you've made up every team member. The only differences are the physical qualities. They're supposed to be the absolute best in the universe. I'm sorry, but if these are the best in the universe, then the universe is a rather sucky place.
Since this anime __sucks__, I'm going to tell you the entire story, just so you know how much it sucks. First, there's a spaceship getting robbed and since the pirates are all males, they have to have sex with all of the pretty women. Naturally, the lead two members of Battle CanCan show up and instead of offering REAL women, they offer themselves to the pirates instead of the women the pirates are getting now. I couldn't help but shout, "NO, YOU FOOLS!". Well, naturally the pirates fall for this ploy since these girls are 'giving' themselves away. And the Battle CanCan group defeats (kills?) them in a few seconds using moves that were considered 'ninja', 'deadly' or 'cool' moves about sixty years ago. Now everyone and their dog can perform these moves and know how to counter them. Oh yeah, and three of the "super agents" throw dishes at the bad guys. PFFFFFFT! If these are the qualifications of a "super agent", then I hereby declare myself a demi-god.
Later, after they manage to embarrass their cybernetic friend, they get a blowjob.... er, a job to blow, er, a _JOB_ to get a jewel back from a colonel and obviously set themselves up for not only a trap but a doublecross to boot, they do their poses in the opening shots so that the company who heaved out this piece of garbage can do the eye-catch. Mind you, I don't think this production even got an opening or ending theme song, so REALLY low class crap. Wait, did the eyecatch happen before or after the pirates? Oh, who the hell cares?
And so, naturally, the leader has assigned everyone with a job to blow...er, to perform to help hunt down the people who stole this jewel, and of course, the redheaded girl who decides to masturbate on stage (in a fashion that could only be construed as erotic if you had just chugged a keg of rum with Klingon Blood Wine chasers) finds the guy they're looking for, because you know, being a colonel of a military, chief of security, head of intelligence and having just stolen a precious jewel allows him to go drinking at any place he likes. Well, the girl manages to 'seduce' him and whereupon we find out that he has a glowing yellow penis. Well, this _IS_ important information for a very disturbing moment later. Anyway, she's as sharp as a Nerf foam ball, so she pumps him for information thinking that he'll be weak to her charms and tell her just for doing the wild thing with him.
Oh yeah, and we find out she has a camera that transmits to the other four girls who were standing around watching all of this while having a slumber party and no doubt teasing each other about the redhead sleeping with just about anything. Anyway, the colonel reveals that he wasn't fooled for a second and two really big and obvious alien creatures leap up. I asked myself, "How the _HELL_ did she miss _those_ things?" (Editor's note: They were hiding behind the footstool) Well, she blows...er, cracks them like peanut shells and we find out that these creatures are like snakes, only with eyes like a slug and the urge to drive themselves into young women's orifices. And of course, the redhead pretty much submits, but she won't tell the colonel who hired her. So, after one orgasm, her heart explodes but naturally, she gets a lengthy death spiel. Light mourning, some croissants, and a date with Jean Luc Picard for the CanCan crew, then it's off to the bad guy's fortress in a 1967 Ford Pinto...er, spacecrap...er, craft.
Instead of carefully planning the operation and finding out where the hell the super-rare jewel is, they decide to blow...er, put on the tackiest and least functional spacesuits in their wardrobe and daintily sashay headfirst into the fortress that is (I'm guessing here, but it was WAAAAAY larger than the CanCan's ship and _their_ ship had enough for a huge lounge, a gym, a meeting room, and a cockpit. "What about their personal rooms or the engine room?" They don't have any of those. "They don't have an engine?" Uh, yeah.) about eight miles in length and two HUNDRED miles in diameter while trying to plow through bad guys with knives. That's like trying to shop at every store in the Mall of America with eight Rubles (sp?), two Pesos, and about seventeen US dollars worth in Lyra, and being expected to do so in two minutes. Anyway, no guns for these BRILLIANT SUPER AGENTS, they use knives. And when you DO see them use guns or grenades, it's because they're facing off against people who have more guns.
Naturally, half of the team gets caught, usually when trying to do something productive. The other half finds the security station where they can watch one of their friends get sharpened feathers stuck into her skin by the colonel. And, you guessed it, glowing penis time again. But, we find out that it's not attached (or it's NO LONGER attached) to _him_, but rather a BOMB that's specially triggered to go off the instant the girl orgasms. Hey, dickweed, ever heard of a thing called FOREPLAY?! And I can tell you, it doesn't involve a six pack of beer while sticking your tongue in her ear and saying, "Wanna get naked, mah dear?". (hey, that sorta rhymes!)
Well, she proves herself to be the most useful member of the team by tackling the colonel (who watches her while in the same room, even though the bomb will destroy everything IN the room) and orgasming while on him, thus killing them both.
The second girl, the "genius" of the group, is just about to open the vault to the jewel everyone's DYING to get, when she's captured (mind you, the bad guys don't think to reset the lock, so just about anyone can walk in and take it) and is attacked by a turtle-like creature that has a penis-like head. It eventually kills her, but you don't wanna know how. *SHUDDER*
Well, the other two girls see the almost opened vault and think that the last girl probably went back to the the ship to get more D-cell batteries, without contacting them or getting the jewel. What morons. Anyway, these two bumblers blow...er, trip the alarm, which incidentally causes everyone to panic and leads to the other girl's death. Her death scream enlightens the others that she was NOT back at the ship, so they race to get her, only to find her dead. Naturally, the people who did it and the guy who hired them shows up to blow...er, kill the last two, so the last two naturally kill all the bad guys and escape with very little effort. Oh yeah, of course, the guy who hired them turns out to be a disgusting creature that's about eight hundred times the mass it had in it's human form. But, it gets crushed to death by, ironically, a few hundred tons of AOL CDs that were offering free hours. It's death screams were mostly, "AAAAGGGH! I DON'T WANT 500,000 FREE MINUTES! AAAAAAAGGGHHHH!" [All hours must be used within the first month - 2001 Copyright AOL/Viacom/Disney Dicta-er, Imperial-er, Domini-er, Corporation.]
And just when you think that maybe these girls are going to suffer emotionally for all their stupid antics and their pathetic operation methods, they see numerous copies of the jewel they just stole and feel a lot better. If I saw a whole fucking cloud of copies of the same damn crystal me and my only surviving teammate just risked life and death to recover, I'd be pretty fucking pissed off. Oh, and what the hell happened to their android buddy? He shows up once, then never again.
Adam Warren, comic book artist, once said that a good story can cover for bad art, but good art can't cover for a bad story. Going by what he's said, this is quite possibly the biggest load of T-rex crap I've ever seen. And I've seen Panzer Dragoon. The colors stayed inside the lines in Panzer Dragoon and the outfits weren't so hideous as to make anyone with a sense of fashion puke...right away.
The voice actors were the only people actually putting effort into this production. Don't watch this piece of crap unless you feel like rooting for the doomed bad guys.
Anime Review: 0
TharzZzDunN's Review: Battle CanCan is the greatest comedic thriller anime of this century! Oh wait, I just found my brain! Oh dear Kami-sama! What the hell have I written?! I must now take my own life to atone for such a dishonorable lie! *SLASH* Gack! That was pointy! Oh well, better start incinerating the Battle CanCan tape!
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Balthus: Tia's Radiance (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Sci Fi][Magic][Sexual][Angst]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Underwear][Blood][Combat]
A-kun's Review: A nun, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and..., wait, you've heard this one? Okay, so a guy wakes up a beach. He finds out he's on the same island he's been living on for years, but a good friend is dead, who incidentally left his available sister behind. Look, the good friend is DEAD. Get over it.
The main guy goes to a mech that he and his friend were developing using a rare crystal of which there are only two pieces. Look, people, the interesting person is dead. Just live with it.
One is on the sister's necklace and the other is in the machine. A bunch of stuff happens, the girl gets kidnapped, then raped by the pathetic emperor, then the emperor and the girl watch as the main guy gets beaten up, the mech shows up and takes out the emperor, then saves the two main characters from a cave-in, shows the girl it's now glowing crystal and all is hunky-dory. Hey, I said the interesting person was _DEAD_! It's not my fault, so stop blaming me.
Numerous times, it almost looked like the machine was going to activate to do some really righteous ass-whooping on the emperor, but no. Apparently, the girl has to suffer. "HEY! Great machine, dickweeds!". Mind you, the emperor is the kind to have a full-time beat victim/mistress and has a stupid mask over his ugly face. I'm surprised no one hadn't killed him by now. Surely the guards would've gotten angry at the fact that they weren't getting any or some sort of a rebel group poisoning his food or SOMETHING. This guy should've been dead years ago. DECADES ago. He only ruled by temper-tantrums and everyone knows those people get killed before they even get a mistress!
... I SAID THE INTERESTING PERSON IS DEAD! D-E-A-F,er, D! That's right, he's "Deafd", er, "DEAD"!
Anime Review: 0
TharzZzDunN's Review: This anime deserves the double Red Serpent Award. Frozen Cucumber Up The Butt! Frozen Cucumber Up The Butt! But, jokingly, folks, this attempt at a Miyazaki-esque quest for the kidnapped girl from the evil overlord who wears a shiny mask and really ugly Old Navy Cargo Pants is not worth sticking your hand into a pile of dinosaur crap to pry that shiny gold Rolex off Leonardo's wrist.
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Advancer Tina (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Sci Fi][Combat][Blood][Twisted][Bizarre][Sexual]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Violence][Angst][Silly]
A-kun's Review: This is a very violent and twisted story. No, the interesting person isn't dead yet. Apparently, there are space explorers called "Advancers" who land on uninhabited planets and find out if it's hospitalable. Well, one Advancer apparently got thrown in jail, but gets bailed by some rich guy to go on a suicide mission. The planet Omega-13 is considered by most Advancers to be a death sentence, kinda like going to Disneyland with your seven-year old cousin. Look, this is as exciting as it gets, okay?
Tina goes to this seedy space port, makes some new friends and buys a ship that can go to Omega-13. Of course, one of the friends has some girlfriend who's either rich or royalty because she has two hand maidens. Anyway, the rich girl and her handmaidens get fondled by some street thugs, so the street thugs must die, naturally. This is sort of a righteous anime in the way that the disgusting bad guys always get killed, but it sucks because the disgusting bad guys get at least _some_ action first. It's not bad if you have a stout stomach, but it pretty much leaves you in the dark about what the hell a few scenes were about, most of which served very little purpose. But, thankfully, the interesting person is still alive. And also a robot. No, joking. Demon-lord.
Also, the storyline could've been better. The kid-sidekick turns out to be a half-breed between a human and an empathetic alien race, all of which was hinted at once, but never fully revealed or explained until the last six or seven minutes. They could have made the kid a normal empath and done just as well. So, they could've done without the freak as well as a few other facts and scenes, like Tina naked on a beach when she was either eight or fourteen. We don't find out why it's in there, except to instill the need for real water showers/baths. (Note: In space, there are probably very low amounts of ice meteors that are not heavily irradiated, so water is a precious commodity. Sonic showers are most frequent.)
It still earns some points for not being Battle CanCan, as well as having fairly good and consistent art. Plus a half-point for the righteous beatings.
Anime Review: **
TharzZzDunN's Review: I could watch this tape all day and my response would still be the same: SENBEI'S HAPPY DANCE! After I fall down the stairs and bite my tongue off, then drop it in the blender, I would gladly recommend buying this tape, to give to your new puppy to urinate all over.
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Alien from the Darkness (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Sci Fi][Combat][Blood][Twisted][Bizarre][Sexual]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Violence][Angst][Silly][Underwear]
A-kun's Review: If you haven't seen Advancer Tina or Aliens, then this is a most original story. A spaceship is adrift in space. Another ship that was supposed to meet up with the abandoned ship arrives and finds all the men aboard to be dead and zombie-esque, as though all their fluids were sucked out (BAKA NO HENTAI!), while all the women are naked and either coated in green slime, have an odd symbol on their stomach, or both. Of course, the ship that found the dead ship is filled with nothing but women, so we're going to find out in detail what really happened to the women who are covered in slime, etc. Only one survivor is found, a girl by the name of Flair, who is in stasis when they find her. Well, everyone returns to the still working ship and get a low-down on how Flair is doing. She seems okay, but seems to have amnesia. Of course, one crewmember found a super-narcotic called Metrogria aboard the stranded ship. This is apparently REALLY illegal to even have. And HEY! The interesting person is still alive!
Well, the plucky young heroine and her weasel companion begin the tedious task of unencoding the final records of the stranded ship, having saved a copy when no one was looking. Meanwhile, Flair seduces one of the crewmembers named Annie with her eyes which can glow green. Nifty! Can she teach me to do that? Well, anyway, the weasel companion of the plucky young heroine shows up and seems to be a voyeur as he just watches the scene unfold. And of course, the weasel sees something terrifying. Flair seems to have some sort of octopus on her back... oh, wait, that's HER! Yep, the interesting person is still breathing as of yet.
Well, Flair, being the more intelligent being on the ship, manages to screw another one of the six remaining members of the ship before everyone begins catching on to what's going on. Unfortunately, four of the remaining five are captured before the plucky young heroine figures out how to beat Flair. Use the Metrogria! Here I was, smacking my forehead as she FINALLY came to that conclusion. Mind you, one other crewmember could've been saved if the plucky young heroine had decided to SHOOT Flair's tentacles rather than toss her gun aside and try to outmuscle the tentacle. Either way, it ends with the Metrogria completely gone and Flair is dead. So sad, the interesting person dying by being cut in half. (cover lie, cover lie)
Unfortunately, the plucky young heroine's sister, the only other human survivor, has turned into what Flair used to be and we're left with the weasel shrieking like a little girl. Yes, the interesting person manages to stay alive... by becoming the space monster!
There were numerous things that could've been improved, such as this: Flair, if the weasel can alert everyone to your presence, KILL THE DAMN THING! Captain, when two people or more of your crewmembers catch very similiar 'diseases' while in hermetically sealed spacesuits, then put the person who you just brought aboard under heavy surveilance. Even heavier if they tend to vanish every so often. Plucky young heroine, the heavily-armored torso of a space monster is always the hardest thing to penetrate, so use the BIGGER of the two guns available, not the one that can fire faster. And everyone, when they say animals can sense evil, they aren't kidding. At least the art was good.
Anime Review: **
TharzZzDunN's Review: Hey, where can I get a copy of the tape that the weasel was making while the girls are getting screwed by this thing?! Wait, that's what this video IS. Sorry. Oh, but A-kun was right, never shoot the alien in the torso, set it on fire instead, pop a hole in the hull, then have Ripley use the mecha-loader to whoop the alien's slimy, glowing, red-hot, metal ass!
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Private Police Tokio 1 (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Sci Fi][Battle][Violence][Nudity][Sexual]
Secondary Code: [Blood][Silly][Bizarre]
A-kun's Review: So a buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and say, "Make me one with everything.". Funny, huh? Well, this anime ISN'T. If you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world where police can kill without having to worry about the consequences, this is it (L.A. in an anime...er, wait...). Private Police Tokio introduces us to a city where people buy protection from private industries. There's the overly-emotional redheaded girl who has a troubled past, the voluptuous bisexual, the geeky sidekick and the big oaf with the yogurt for brains. I won't go into their commanders. (well, maybe the female commander, but that's for another discussion)
Well, the redhead gets on a subway where a woman is being chased by three guys. Naturally, the redhead wants to do something, but she can't protect those who haven't paid for it, thanks to some stupid rationale. But, it seems the woman has paid for it because she has a special beeper. So, now, you think the redhead'll jump into action and prevent a crime for her paying customer, right?!
The redhead meanders, glumly thinking back to her own past where something similiar happened. The woman screams for help. The redhead continues to meander, deciding NOW that she's off-duty and thus it's not her problem. What _FINALLY_ motivates her to do some ass-kicking? One of the three guys walks over to her and tells her, "Hey, boy, we don't do free performances. So pay up or get out."
That's right, being called a boy finally makes her do some butt-stomping. Of course, the woman is probably going to write something REALLY nasty on her comment card. Well, the punks all bite the big one as another Tokio police officer comes in and shoots them dead. (wait, did that happen? Oh, who cares? That would be cool anyway. And what was Gendo Ikari doing on that train?) Apparently, the other officer had gotten the page while he was further down in the train. GREAT reaction time, fellas. Of course, the other officer turns out to be the redhead's new supervisor. The supervisor, at least, scolds the redhead. On or off-duty, they're supposed to help customers.
Well, the running gag becomes that almost every one of the redhead's teammates mistakes the redhead as a boy. Talk about beating a gag to death. Of course, they show some sex between the oaf and the voluptuous bisexual, then some more between the team's supervisor and the leader of the team (who is the obligatory hardass in the series) and it ends with the redhead falling for the supervisor. I swear, as soon as the redhead got on the subway, I was pretty much expecting everything save for the spider-mecha that the private police squad will be using in, you guessed it, the SECOND video. The art is one of the few things that keep me from giving this a 0. Well, that and the promise of a lesbian scene in the next video. And let me tell you, if it were for the promise of that lesbian scene, it would've gotten a 0 for sure.
Anime Review: *
TharzZzDunN's Review:
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Magical Twilight 1 (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Magic][Silly]][Bizarre][Sexual][Nudity]
Secondary Code: [Combat][Religion][Angst]
A-kun's Review: Take three witches in training, one college student named Tsukasa who's trying to pass his exams and a crazy best friend and you've got Magical Twilight. Two of the witches, Chipple and Irene, are users of white magic and have to win Tsukasa's "approval" while the other one, Liv, is a user of black magic and has to kill poor Tsukasa. Of course, the fact that Liv has been tormenting Tsukasa with nightmares doesn't help, neither does the fact that Chipple and Irene try to move in with Tsukasa.
Irene decides the best way to get his approval is to screw him silly. Chipple finds out what Liv is up to and goes to confront her. Well, Liv, on the other hand, is looking for Tsukasa when she meets Tsukasa's best friend. The best friend does the best thing for his best friend. He knocks the evil witch out, ties her up and uses his own "Magic Wand" to convince Liv to change her ways and she becomes his devoted girlfriend, giving up on magic all together. It's graphic (at times), mean, silly and weird. One thing is for certain, there's sex in every video. You either like it or you have it. And no, "you have it" isn't supposed to be "you hate it". You like it or you have it.
Anime Review: ***
TharzZzDunN's Review:
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Magical Twilight 2 (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Magic][Silly][Bizarre][Sexual][Nudity]
Secondary Code: [Combat][Religion][Angst]
A-kun's Review: Tsukasa is back and has passed his classes. As a reward, Chipple uses her magic to get him two tickets to a hotspring. He scolds her because the tickets belonged to someone else, but accepts them anyway when she looks really down. Irene shows up because she failed her magic test too. Well, Irene still wants to screw Tsukasa, but Chipple manages to stop her, but in the process the bullet train the trio were taking to get to the hotsprings winds up stopping due to an explosion made by Irene's magic. The trio have to trudge all the way to the hotsprings. Tsukasa winds up screwing the sexy hotspring owner while Irene finds a new playmate. Chipple and Irene quickly find that the hotsprings and their magic don't mix after a twisted love/hate game of magical foreplay. (You're disgusting!)[Thank you!]
Anime Review: ***
TharzZzDunN's Review:
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Magical Twilight 3 (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Magic][Silly][Bizarre][Sexual][Nudity]
Secondary Code: [Combat][Religion][Angst]
A-kun's Review: The continuation of the 2nd part. Irene and Chipple have their magic back and pit their boyfriends against each other with both witches amplifying their boyfriend's strength to dangerous levels (meaning they could POTENTIALLY be able to threaten a single-ply napkin, but only if they've spilled some orange juice or vodka). Later, Chipple makes the biggest boo-boo of her witch's career. She uses her magic to separate the hotspring hostess and her daughter by negating their memories and all emotional connections they had. Irene punishes Chipple by placing a curse on Tsukasa so that he forgets Chipple. Well, Tsukasa and the daughter have sex and eventually, the daughter returns to her mother because Irene counter-spells Chipple's enchantment. She also has Tsukasa remember Chipple, because deep down, she's a nice girl. However, since Irene still intends to continue her magic training, she gives a corny goodbye to her boyfriend and heads home, though, from the sound of it, she might be back on occasion to do the nasty with him.
Anime Review: ***
TharzZzDunN's Review:
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New Angel 1 (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Magic][Bizarre][Sexual][Nudity][Silly]
Secondary Code: [Angst?][Religion]
A-kun's Review: If you ever wondered if ghosts are real, this won't prove a damn thing. A college student is hanging out with his buddies when he takes a picture and finds out that in the background, there's a girl hiding in the bushes. Since she doesn't show up in the yearbook, the college student's buddies recall a story of a girl who lost her head in an accident and is known to give blowjobs to guys then vanish. Don't ask why. Anyway, we find out that the story is real, but it may not be the girl in the photo. But oddly, a guy who was rather bulky when the school year began is now as thin as the college student. Well, the college student gets an exorcism done, then goes to have sex with the "ghost" girl. And yes, she does vanish when she starts giving the college student a BJ. (blow job, not someone named BJ, sillies)
Anime Review: **
TharzZzDunN's Review: It Bites!
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Urutsukidoji (Dubbed)
Main Code: [Magic][Twisted][Bizarre][Sexual][Nudity]
Secondary Code: [Underwear][Angst][Religion][Combat][Blood][Ultra-Violence]
A-kun's Review: It runs a long time. That's gotta be worth something. $147 in Lyra to be exact. TharzZzy saw it, I didn't bother. I tried to get a real review out of him, but I couldn't make heads or tails of his review.
Anime Review: *?
TharzZzDunN's Review: I think this rivals the longest running show on Broadway for 'Things Most Likely To Flash Across Your Mind When The Nukes Hit Outside Your Bedroom Window While You're Watching Dukes Of Hazard Trying To Catch A Glimpse Of Daisy Dukes Panties When She Climbs Into Her Jeep While You Whack Off To The Latest Issue Of Gunsmith Cats'.
And yes, I am still upset at these jerks for swiping my home movies of my thirteenth birthday party! It was my lucky birthday, after all and these morons just walk in the front door and grab the box labeled 'good stuff, take all you want'!
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Iron Virgin Jun (Subtitled)
Main Code: [Combat][Blood][Silly][Angst][Bizarre]
Secondary Code: [Religion][Sexual][Nudity][Sci Fi][Magic]
A-kun's Review: Forest Gump once said "Stupid is as Stupid does". Well, apparently, Stupid decides to make an animated porn video. At first, this is a confusing anime about a girl (Jun) in a princess-esque ballgown running from some MiBs (Men in Black) that are obviously security guards. From the lack of shooting, one could easily tell that Jun is obviously someone they're supposed to protect. Well, they finally resort to surrounding her, but she proves that she hasn't wasted the early years of her life sitting on her duff as she kicks all their asses.
Well, eventually, a manservant finds her and she reveals (to us) she's not a blonde and she's running from home because her mom wants her to become a 'full woman', if ya know what I mean. Well, mother dearest decides to put a bounty on her daughter's head (the reward only available upon Jun's safe return).
When that fails, mommy hires five mega-perverts who call themselves the Cherry Blossom Boys. Why? They have animal-shaped diapers on. They should be called The Rugrats: The Later Years. These guys are supposed to 'make Jun a woman'. Before they even see mamma about the job, they decide to assault some of the maids. I'm not sure what kind of twisted game the mother was up to, but I wouldn't want grown men who wear animated diapers to come near any family members of mine.
Well, it all turns out to be the fault of the long dead grandmother, who's been rotting away in the attic. Grandma uses her powers to possess the mother and well, let's just say it's like making a female replica of Arnold Swarznegger actually look uglier. Big fight. I'd say Grandmother was really @#%@$^@$%^ up to think of HALF the @%^@#$^*@#$%@%@#%@^ she did.
Anime Review: **
TharzZzDunN's Review: This story answers the question of just what are Go Nagai's heroines wearing under their dress? The answer: an iron corset which flexes and curves in all the right places, most of the time. But seriously, this film sets a good example for kids who want to wear Tickle Me Elmo underroos and flash people when they're thirty and still unemployed.
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Venus 5: The Inma Ball (Dubbed)
Main Code: [Twisted][Silly][Magic][Sexual][Combat]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Underwear][Sci Fi][Religion]
A-kun's Review: If you ever thought you knew the Greek or Roman mythology even mildly, then this'll screw you up so bad, your head'll be spinning. Let's go over the story, shall we? We start off with the Golden Star University, where a young girl and her friend are attending college.
Oh, wait, we actually start with what looks like a town that's aged a few thousand years. The pillars are so worn, they look like giant penises and the central altar has worn down into a very enlongated oval... oops, that's intentionally symbolic. The main villainess looks like a hyper-bodybuilder with a semi-bishounen-esque face with two horns on it's forehead. She looks a lot sexier in disguise. Anyway, she looks okay for now (okay for a demon is "Utterly Repulsive" to most people). Then, her servants pop up. Take four of your average tentacled demons, then perform various acts of gratuitious violence while swapping various parts of anatomy with other things. The point of their assault on Earth? The villainess needs the cum of all the members of the Venus 5 to resurrect Apollo, who will, apparently, grant his power to those who resurrect him. I don't know about you, but if I was resurrected with a bunch of juices splattering all over my coffin, I think I'd twist the heads off of the people who made the whole mess.
Okay, now, back to the school. The young girl and her friend find a perverted talking cat that's been beaten up, but the cat vanishes before they can get anything useful out of it. Then the cat gets caught. After having the perverted cat subjected to watching the villianess get molested by her servants (mind you, this was to TORTURE the cat), the heroines meet up with another girl and save the cat, finding out that they are members of the Goddess Aphrodite's group of champions, the Venus 5. Venus Pink, Venus Blue and Venus Green all pretty much get their asses whipped by the cannon-fodder of the Inma, so the Goddess Aphrodite shows up and has sex, er, whips the cannon-fodder, thus defeating them (it doesn't take much to take them down, but keeping them down... well...). Scolding her champions, who were untrained in effective combat, she leaves just as she arrived. She provides no help, doesn't give them extra items to help defend themselves or anything.
Meanwhile, the villainess masturbates over Apollo's coffin. And reveals that she's related to Apollo. Which is disturbing since she has... a third leg, if you get my meaning.
Venus Green and a soon-to-be Venus member are at this dance class (where all four of the servants are in disguise, even though three of them have been assigned to the English or Science departments), where all the girls are given some juice to drink. Yeah, none of them question why they're drinking juice _BEFORE DANCING_. Anyway, Venus Green nearly gets sick after a sip of the drink, but Venus Red downs the entire thing, all with the rest of the class. Venus Red, when all the other girls are out-cold, manages to make a NOISEY escape, even though she's no more than three feet behind the bad guys and even the cannon-fodder minions (who have eyes pointing in various directions) miss seeing her. Another scene where girls get molested.
Well, eventually, most of the group assembles without much help from the cat. It seems that the final member gets caught because one of the villainess's servants uses his sight to see through her clothes to see the purple symbol of Venus on her back. Mind you, he SHOULD have seen similar symbols on the other girls, but they were unconsciously moved an arm or were turned so that the symbols were missing from sight. Yeah, ONE minion can see through girls' clothes (and only through girls' clothes!). _Brilliant_ planning, people. Of course, he's a lucky minion. After all, I'd _KILL_ to have that kind of specific X-ray vision. :p~~~~
The final showdown is rather sad and pathetic. First, the other four girls get captured. Then, all five get molested, their cum pooling on Apollo's coffin. It almost looks like Apollo's about to resurrect when APHRODITE appears, distracting the villainess and the servants while the useless cat frees all five girls and gives the last girl her watch while Aphrodite and the villainess get into a nasty catfight. Then, Aphrodite and the cat leave, letting the girls clean up. Well, they combine powers and become this multi-colored ring that hacks all the baddies in half. The end, right? Wrong, Apollo STILL hasn't awoken, and from the diembodied voice of the villainess, it sounds like no one died, either.
Anime Review: *
TharzZzDunN's Review:
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Venus 5: The Labrinyth (Dubbed)
Main Code: [Twisted][Silly][Magic][Sexual][Combat]
Secondary Code: [Nudity][Underwear][Sci Fi][Religion]
A-kun's Review: That's right, the girls are back. Only this time, we get to see what seems to be an opening sequence. The girls pose with lots of weird stuff going on around them. But, if you go slow through some of their transformation sequences, you'll see hidden images, which are spoofs on a number of series', the better ones, if I recall!
Then, we see some of the cannon-fodder from the last video molesting a girl in the villainess's office. Don't you just hate it when the cannon-fodder actually gets some? And where are the girls, you may ask? They're at their ONE DORM ROOM, watching T.V. But, where's Venus Purple, the member that joined last in the previous video? Well, she's doing a video at a location that's being kept secret to prevent fans from storming the area.
Well, the other girls notice that the principal of Golden Star University and her four minions-in-disguise are at the Golden Star Museum. That's right, the same company owns a museum AND a college. Well, apparently, there's been a discovery of a statue of Apollo. Yeah, no one notices that the principal and four teachers from the university are now suddenly working excusively at the museum. PFFFFT! Yeah, right. The Venus 5 aren't the only people who should be noticing this.
The girls try to investigate the museum after hours. Venus Blue and Pink find the villainess, her disguised minions, some sexy women and the owner of the Golden Star Univeristy and Museum. The owner is an overweight man who lets the villainess do whatever she wants to him. Being a curious 5'11" slightly-overweight ferret, I've got nothing against overweight guys getting some. It's just that when you could have the SEXIER women versus some ugly old demon in disguise, iiiiiI think I'd choose the sexier women. The girls also notice that Aphrodite's cat assistant has, once again, been caught. Well, a plot device, er, sex cream is applied to the REAL women and the owner, and an orgy starts up, with the villainess bringing the poor cat into the whole thing.
Just then, the other two Venus members trip an alarm, some dogs chase them, and a weird boy who appeared in the original video helps them escape. Oh, and the other Inma managed to show up in Roman armor in the time that it took for the Venus members to get out of the museum. Come on, even with super-human speed, they'd be bumbling around with their armor still. "Hey, that's MY skirt!" (It's ROMAN armor, after all.)
Well, anyway, the girls go to the museum AGAIN on a field trip with the rest of the school, and find that, yet again, the bad guys have a trap waiting for them. This time, rather than risk detection, the girls put make-over their symbols, WHICH STILL HAVEN'T VANISHED, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ALL HAVE TRANSFORMED. Great idea, Aphrodite, let's leave the symbols on them so THEY'RE EASIER TO SPOT!
Venus Green and Venus Red get caught, but Venus Pink and Venus Blue manage to fake being asleep and then follow the bad guys, who are, for some damn reason, dressed up in Roman Legion outfits and ride Roman Chariots to this huge colosseum, leaving me wondering, "HOW THE _HELL_ DID ANYONE MISS THAT?!"
So, Venus Pink and Blue make a run for it when the bad guys somehow figure out that someone is riding under their chariots. The cannon-fodder minions and some dogs are sent after the two, but it's obvious the dogs are more useful. Hey, dork-wads, if the cannon-fodder minions are useless, save for two not-so-important abilities, GET RID OF THE DAMN THINGS! The two abilities they seem BARELY competent in: carrying unconscious victims and hopping after people. Even then, the dogs are doing a better job chasing people. A minor enchantment to give the dogs a set of arms when they need them or something and the dogs could replace all of the cannon-fodder minions. Not to mention that you won't have to deal with enchanted dogs backtalking or accidentally revealing your asses by sticking out like !@#%#$ sore thumbs.
Well, it seems that the weird boy is there to help them again. He starts leading them into the sewers, where the cat appears, having finished the sex games from the other night. He reveals that the weird boy is Aphrodite's pacifist little brother. He'll help them in non-violent ways, but otherwise, he's as useless as the cat.
Now, the other girls who were caught by the bad guys are brought into the underworld where Nero, that's right, NERO, is waiting. Apparently, he got a good slot in the underworld, because he has a bunch of sexy girls servicing him. Now, normally, I wouldn't say that he doesn't deserve to be in hell, nor am I saying that it's not his _right_ as an evil bastard to have sexy girls around him, but this guy looks like someone dumped gray paint over a fresh turd then smeared it on a skeleton and he has all of the intimidation of a Mexican belching penguin with a stick up it's butt. He's even less intimidating against even mildly assertive people. How he ever got his own palace ANYWHERE is beyond me. I don't think it would take even the Venus Five more than a minute to kick his scrawny ass and it takes them three minutes to deal with cannon-fodder or lawn gnomes!
But, apparently, the Inma are going to have him search out of the Venus 5 with his pathetic methods of torture. I could believe that someone respected him for his mad schemes and plans and such back when he was ruler over the Roman Empire, but one bitch-slap from a 3rd grade nerd and Nero here would be whimpering.
Oh, wait, first, Nero meets the Inma who are in disguise. Nero shows his boney weener in hopes of impressing them, particularly the semi-sexy lead Inma, but the Inma transform into their true forms, terrifying Nero into losing his erection (I didn't need to see that! *HURGGGHH*). I feel sorry for the girls who have to touch that thing later. I feel even more sorry for the girls who EVER had to touch that thing! BRRRRR!!
The two girls who avoided being captured get caught. By the gold statue they were going to check out the previous night, too. Tentacle rape scene with the statue screwing all four girls.
Anyhow, as usual, Aphrodite pops up with the final member and we find out something horrible. Aphrodite and the leader of the Inma were once lovers! Well, it's horrible that they broke up, because they deserve each other. Well, Aphrodite shows she's not interested anymore and the Venus 5 blow up the place. Nero and his poor love slaves are unaccounted for, as are the Inma. At least I don't think there are any more videos in this series, which is good because if there was ANOTHER video without any of the !@#!@^@$&#%&*$%#$%^()@#&^@#$^ Inma dying, I'd go on a murderous rampage, killing and destroying all that stood in my way as I marched to the houses of the people who designed this. The bad guys HAVE to die at the end of the series, that's just how it is.
Anime Review: *
TharzZzDunN's Review: Who knows what lurks in the hearts of turd-smeared skeletons? The INMA know! Maybe the Inma should have released the bees, or the dogs or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you and you can see them struggling to run with their enormous Monkey Dongs (TM) which flip them up onto the roof every time they see a hot poodle! And if you lick the last box cover it tastes like Cat Pee Kool-aid er, lemon-lime!
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Reviews coming soon: Weather Report Girl, Angel of Darkness, Hanappe Bazooka, Dragon Pink 1 and 2, Countdown, Countdown Continued, Countdown Akira 1-3, Strange Love, Private Psycho Lesson, Rei Rei, Rei-Lan: Orchid Blossom, Crying Freeman 1-5, Private Police Tokio 2
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