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How's it going to be

author: crystal [120699]

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~I'm only pretty sure that I can't take any more
Before you take a swing, I wonder
What are we fighting for~

I watch them leave Makai as they go home to their loved ones. A mission had just been accomplished and the world is safe for another day.

I don't know what still keeps me going. They have each other while I have no one. But I intend to let it stay that way.

Their strengths as they call those complex emotions are their weaknesses. It's only a matter of time for them.

But me? No, I don't need those things. I don't want them. I desire death better than love because in death, there is peace. In love, there is pain.

Why do we still fight and defend the weak? Why can't we just allow all things to happen instead of living a lie? We all know the world should have been broken by now. It'll only be a matter a time before that happens. If the world deserves to live, then so be it.

~When I say out loud
I want to get out of this, I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss~

"Why are you so suicidal?" she asked me once.

I didn't answer that particular question. She knew the answer.

"Why are *you* so suicidal?" I just asked back. Her face and body are the proofs I have with the words I uttered. She didn't answer me as well. I knew the answer.

Looking at my so-called friends, the three worlds I know and my sister, I ponder. I will miss them but will they miss me? Have I actually really mattered to anyone?

~How's it going to be when you don't know me
How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be when there's no one there to talk to about
How's it going to be 'cause I don't care
How's it going to be~

When I'm gone, will anyone remember me? For a while perhaps but they'll forget easily that I ever existed.

Will they think of me with smiles or will they spit at my grave? - If I'll ever have a grave. Will I just rot in a land not my own?

Koorime glacier. Land of Flames. Makai. Ningenkai. Reikai. None of it's my home. I don't even know if Meikai will accept me - an outcast, an outsider, dirt.

But I don't care. That's what I've trained myself to say just to make the pain go away.

Closing my eyes forever, it wouldn't matter.

~Where we used to laugh
It's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumb nail scratch
A silence I can't ignore~

There have been times when warmth would come but it immediately goes away. Fate knows that that's not for me.

Eternal sleep is pulling me...

~Like the hammocks and the doorways
We spent time in, swing empty~

There's nothing but emptiness now. But then, it's always been that way. Why had I ever existed? Why hadn't I died when they condemned me to death the day I was born? I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve anything.

~Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me~

No one could touch me now; not like yesterday. I am powerful and feared. I don't have to fight til death. I choose when it comes. It is my choice to die and my choice alone - the only consolation of my life. It's only a matter of time now.

~I guess that's how it's going to be~

A warrior's death. Dying in a battle. With honor. Yes, that's how I want to be remembered.

~Want to get back in again~

I have never lived and I choose to die soon but I want to live before I die. I know it's not possible. People like me don't live. We die. We die the day we are born. It's only a matter of time before we make it official.

~The soft dive of oblivion~

I breathe my last breath. Will anyone mourn for a forbidden child? Or will they rejoice?

I wanted to live my life without tears. I did that. But I had been crying inside.

The last pulse beats. My tiny frame goes limp and I smile - the first genuine smile I've ever had. I'm happy and contented now. Not of life but of death. I've only managed to smile in death.