Neon Genesis Evangelion
Holding Hands
Strike Fiss, 2000
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him;
nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side,
to be equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and
near his heart that he might love her.
-- Henry
"You want to hit me...don't you?!"
I was terrified when she said those words. It was almost as if she was
reading my mind. My one, perfectly clear thought that had been surging
through every neuron in my skull for almost half an hour straight.
I wanted to hit her. Soooooooooooooo badly.
"W...NO!" I try. It was a pitiful attempt at acting weak when my voice
was almost shivering with anger. I can't remember hearing my voice
quite like that before. Maybe once...
Father.
But never against her. I couldn't bare to think of Asuka in the same
thought as my Father. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst
enemy, let alone the...
"Of course you do!" she leans forward, smirking.
She's SMIRKING at me! I can't believe it! It's almost like she's
getting some sick pleasure in reading my mind!
It can't be that hard...reading my mind...It's focused into such a
laser-tight thought that a chimpanzee without any psychic ability
whatsoever might be able to figure out. Still...to have HER inside my
head at this moment? I don't know if I should be terrified, or if I
should just be even more angry.
"What do you mean?! I don't want to hit you!" I almost yell. I'm sure
the entire train's occupancy load is looking at us anyway. If I
whispered, it would still be watched.
Asuka smiles. It is a scary smile. I must admit, she does scare me
sometimes. Often, she knows exactly what WILL scare me. I am sure of
this also. Damn...she's even doing that thing with her eyes just
barely cracked open as she's smiling. She looks like a ghost come to
haunt me.
"You want to hit me, Third Child." she pauses for effect. "Don't
you!?!"
I do. I really do. I want to take my fist and plough it through her
self-righteous smirk. I want to see how fucking cocky she is with a
tooth missing! Yeah! See how she likes THAT! See if she can finally
figure out that I'm reaching my limit with this shit.
What shit?
How about, for a starters, how she smacks me in the back of the head.
Fucking bitch. It hurts too! She uses her nails! I have no idea how
she keeps them that sharp, but she also hits me with quite a bit of
force. She must drink a lot of milk or whatever to keep them so
strong.
She's been doing it all day.
All day.
Yesterday, I mentioned how I'd like her to stop. Of course, today,
that's all she does. I was a fool to give her such an obvious
invitation, but it was worth a try.
"Asuka! I don't want to hit you." I try again, taking a step back.
It's not enough, obviously. The train's too crowded to offer freedom
of movement.
Suddenly, she looks almost disappointed. I really don't understand
this girl nearly as much as I wish I did sometimes. "Oh yeah? Not
even when I do this?"
SMACK!
Oh...that one hurt. A lot.
She's smiling again when I open my eyes. Damn her. Damn her to hell.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?!?" I yell.
"I was right! You DO want to hit me!" she states proudly.
I could have told her that.
She continues, looking down at my arm for some reason that escapes me.
"See? Every time you get mad, you flex your hand like that. You want
to hit me, don't you!"
I gasp, actually reaching over with my left hand to stop my right
hand's movement. Dammit! I forgot about that... "N...NO!" I beg.
"It's not like that!"
"I'll tell you what." she smiles in that same scary smile. "I'll let
you hit me."
What?
"What?!" I echo my thoughts. This is all some kind of sick joke.
She'll grab my arm out of the way, then wail on me, screaming that I'm
a pervert for wanting to beat a girl. "No!"
"I'm serious." she won't stop smiling. "If you can bring yourself to
hit me, I will let you have one free shot without fear of retaliation."
The way she has been grating on my nerves all day, brining myself to
hitting her would be surprisingly easy right now. Still, I'm cautious.
"You're lying." I say. I know I must sound like a detective, trying to
solve a mystery. Why the almighty Asuka Langley would ever let me have
a crack at her jaw is a damn miracle.
"No I'm not." she nods. "On one condition!" she frowns, then smiles in
that same...very...scary way. "I get to hold your hand."
I blink.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to prove, once and for all, that you couldn't fight me even
if you had the chance." she states with a dangerous hiss. "I dare you.
Do your worst...Third Child."
I hate being called Third Child. I really do.
"Deal." I almost growl.
I can see a little bit of worry flash through her eyes. She is
beginning to realize she may have underestimated exactly how MUCH I
want to hit her. However, her stubborn pride forces her forward. Fine
by me. I deserve this. Just once. Just one good shot to that fucking
smirk and I'll be good for a few more months of torture. God knows
I've earned at least this much.
Pleeeeeeease, I beg myself. Just hit her...just once...let me have
this one, tiny victory over this stubborn, annoying little girl and I
swear I'll be...
A warm sensation wraps around my left hand.
Oh. Oh shit.
I hate you, Asuka. I hate you. Why did you have to figure THAT out as
well? No...not that I hate you. The other thing.
She smiles as she sees my face soften. She knows she has me by the
hypothetical balls. "Well, Third Child? Come on..." she leans
forward. "I dare you..."
Ohhhh...she whispered. She whispered. Oh god. She. Is. So. Damn.
Sexy. When she whispers.
I start to whisper something back. I really have no idea what it is.
All I can feel is her hands wrapped around mine.
"Yes, Shin-kun?" she coos at me. I know it's all just to weaken my
resolve further, but damn, is that voice ever going to keep me awake
tonight.
"T...cen...p-ll...wit...ch..."
I really have no idea what I just whispered. Neither does she. She
gives me a quizzical look. "Pardon?"
"Target centre..." I whisper a bit louder. "Pull the switch..."
SMACK!
Oh. Oh damn.
Did that ever feel good.
I can still see the look on her face as she realized my right fist was
about to hit her jaw. Thank god for Misato's training. It's really
amazing what your body can do even if your mind's gone.
"AAAHHHHHHHH!" she yells, almost falling back.
I can't help but smile...just a little. The sting on my knuckles only
confirms my sweet, sweet victory.
She is holding the side of her chin, and obviously in a lot of pain the
way she's cringing. "BAAAAAAAAKA!"
"Sorry." I say. I really am sorry. But oh...DAMN...I needed that.
Asuka shoots more daggers at me with her eyes than I have ever shot at
my Father. The rest of the trip is rather quiet. She's not smirking
anymore.
Oooh yeah.
"We're going home."
It takes me a moment to figure out that I'm moving. Dammit. I really
didn't want to move. "What the HELL are you doing, Baka!" I demand,
watching the stunned faces around me.
Since when did Shinji get like this? I should have never let him hit
me last month in the train. Shit. Now he thinks he can boss me
around. I really need to beat the shit out of him.
"Stop!" I demand. It comes out about as clear as possible under the
circumstances, I suppose. He does understand it, but it's clear he's
not about to stop. Fuck him.
"I don't wanna go yet!"
"Asuka, we are going NOW!" he turns and almost yells in my face.
Fuck him and his damn...ugh. I feel sick. The sudden gust of cold,
fresh air as we leave the house is enough to send me over the edge.
"Oh no..."
I think it took the sound of my vomit to make him realize he should
have listened to me. It's is own damn fault I threw up on his fucking
shoes. I don't care.
When I open my eyes next, all I see is his worried expression looking
down at me with a horizontal tilt. The nice, cool grass is on my
cheek. Luckily, whatever I threw up must have been a short distance
away from where I landed.
"Asuka! Are you okay!?"
"Fuck you, Shinji." I whisper hoarsely.
He seems to have taken that last sentence rather badly. A part of me
is wondering if I should have said that or not. The part of me that
just puked it's guts out, however, feels exactly that way towards him
right now.
"Why did you drag me out here!" I demand. For the life of me, I
honestly can't remember.
"You were almost raped!" he yells, equally hoarsely. "For FUCK sakes,
Asuka!"
"I...I was fine!" I swallow hard, realizing what he said was not just
some twisted dream I had been having. Shit...I really have to stop
drinking like Misato. I'm not nearly as good at handling it as she is.
Shinji knows me like a fucking book. Damn him. He's not falling for
any of this. "And that's why you almost smashed that beer bottle over
his head when I finally got him off you?"
Damn him.
"Were you waiting for a more dramatic moment to stop him?!?" Shinji
yells at me. His voice...shit...he's doing that thing. It's like he's
almost about to cry...but also about to rip someone apart. I can never
tell if I'm being frightened...or saddened by it. Shit. I've had
fantasies about him after hearing it. I really don't know what to
think at the moment, though.
"I..."
"Well, it couldn't have been much later!" Shinji reaches over and grabs
a piece of cloth that used to be my dress' top. It's been ripped clean
off. "You scared the SHIT out of me, Asuka! Did you realize how loud
you were yelling?"
"I..."
Shit...it's all back now...I hate that...Fuck...no...god no...don't
start, Asuka...don't start...not in front of him...please no...
I'm crying. Fuck.
"I...I'm sorry...Shinji..."
Fuck. I hate myself. Why do I always do this shit in front of Shinji?
This was supposed to be a party. Something fun. Something to take my
mind off of things. Sure...I wanted to meet new guys...but nothing
like what happened. I just needed a break from...
Shinji. Damn you, Shinji. Fucking Invincible Shinji saves me again.
God help me. I am grateful. I am more grateful than he could possibly
know. Fuck you, Shinji.
"Asuka..." he's already wrapped his coat around me. Now comes his
arms. No. God no. I can't handle this right now. "Everything's
going to be okay...just let it out..."
I do. I cry. I must have cried for hours. Why the hell is he the
only man I can cry around? Weak, baka Shinji. God damn you. No...why
is he doing this? Why? He's so small! I probably weigh more than he
does!
"Come on. I'll give you a ride." he whispers as he pulls my arms over
his shoulders.
"I can walk..."
No I can't. I can barely breathe I'm so exhausted. I don't know if
I'm angry or grateful, but he doesn't let me struggle, and gives me a
piggy-back ride.
He walks for blocks with me on his back. I really can't remember it
much. He never once complains though. I hate it when he does this.
It only makes things worse.
But...I don't want things to get better.
All I can feel is his right hand pressed over mine. It's amazing he
can do that and still keep me balanced, but I really don't want him to
stop, so he's learned to live with it.
"Why?" I ask.
He doesn't answer. Shit. Why doesn't he answer? It's not like it's a
complicated question. He has to have SOME kind of answer. He has to
know what I'm asking. I know he knows. It has to be there...
somewhere...in that damn impervious shell of his. I know he's thought
about it once or twice. Shit...please have thought about it, Shinji...
No.
Just hold my hand.
Don't talk.
I swear I'll not do anything, so long as you just do those two things.
Just shut up and touch me. Just for this walk. I don't care about
later. I need you, Shinji.
I need you.
You don't need me.
But thanks for putting up with me this long.
"Thank you..." I whisper into his ear.
He knows what I'm talking about. I know he does. I can tell by the
way he squeezes my hand in response, but keeps his mouth shut.
Fuck you Shinji. Why did you have to read my mind like that?
Ugh. I am so drunk...
I don't remember much after that, but I think I made it to the toilet
in time.
"Do you MIND?"
Things are getting worse. I don't know how.
That's a lie.
I'm not exactly helping matters anymore. It's eerie. I could almost
sweat I enjoy this now. All those things I have subconsciously mapped
out in my mind, all those things I usually avoid doing in Asuka's
presence, are coming to the surface. Turns out some of them can really
piss her off.
She hates it, for example, when I study in the living room. Two
reasons. Whatever small bit of guilt she has in that over inflated ego
of hers actually kicks into effect, and she feels bad (HA!) about
watching TV too loudly when I'm here. That, and Misato always notices,
and tells HER to study. She hates having to do both.
"It's not that loud, Third Child." she snaps at me.
Unfortunately, Misato isn't here right now, and ever since that fucking
party we went to last week, she's been extra defensive against my
actions. Looks like not even the guilt is working tonight.
Well, it's not like I need to study or anything.
See? I'm doing it again! I KNOW it's going to piss her off! I don't
even have to do it! WHY am I doing it then?
Argh! I know EXACTLY why I'm doing it...but if I admit how much I
loved giving her own medicine right back at her, I'd never stop.
Misato would go crazy from the resulting arguments, and whatever chance
I have at...
Fuck.
Why do I bother? Chance? There is none. Still, now it's stuck in my
head. It's that same bloody thought that Asuka thought she could use
against me in the train. This time it works, too.
"Sorry, Asuka..." I sigh, closing my books. "You're right. I'll go to
my room and study."
She seems almost surprised at this. This entire week has just been
going towards a giant confrontation anyway. Of course, I had to be the
one to give out first. When the hell am I going to listen to my own
advice? When am I going to stop...
"Running away, Shin-kun?" she grins at me with that bloody Cheshire Cat
smile. It's almost enough to make me want to hit her again...but I
told the truth. That moment in the train was enough to last me for a
lot of her abuse. At least for another month or so.
"Yes." I state flatly. "You want anything from the fridge before I
go?"
Dammit! There's that look again! What the hell IS that? Why does she
look like a little girl who was just told she can't go to the park and
play with her friends?!?! Well SORRRREEE if I disappoint you, bitch.
I'm not your bloody toy to bat around.
"Uh...yeah...sure." she shrugs, rolling over on her pillow she has
propped up on the floor to watch the television with. "Orange juice
will be fine."
Good. Fine. I walk to the kitchen and pull out the refrigerated
drawer that contains the little food that isn't instant or beer-
related. Who the hell am I trying to fool? Not her toy. Shit. There
are days where I have wanted nothing better than to stay in bed and
die...but I always got up...just so she could smack me around.
I'm a sick fuck, aren't I?
She frowns at me as I hand her the can of juice. "What the hell are
you so gloomy about?" she demands.
I really have to start making my mind less readable.
"Nothing." I say. "Sorry. Just a little tired." Yeah. That sounds
convincing enough.
She almost buys it too. My voice sounds dead anyway. However, this is
Asuka. She's not giving up that easily. Logic...for once...comes to
her side. "You slept for twelve hours last night. Why the hell are
you still tired?"
I really can't take this right now. Shit...I can barely think anymore.
Why is she doing this? I'd rather she just got back to smacking the
back of my head. Why is she suddenly prying into me like this?
"Good night." I sigh, picking up my books from the table. They're not
that heavy, but at the moment, it feels like I'm dragging chains to my
death.
Where's an angel when you need one??
"Okay..." I hear a whisper. "G...good night, Shinji-kun."
Dammit.
Dammit.
DAMMIT!
How the HELL does she do that?!? She sounds like a god damn air-raid
siren half the time. The other half is dominated with that smug,
teasing tone she has. It's like a little five year old who thinks they
are your bloody superior.
But...
She sounds so bloody nice when she whispers. When she does that stupid
little 'kun' thing. I don't even care if she says Baka-kun anymore.
How does she do that? Every time she does that thing with her voice,
it makes me...
Want her.
God I want her. I want her so badly it hurts to think about it.
"Shinji?"
Oh no...she noticed. I'm paralysed. Internal batteries read 0:00. I
have no ability to move.
"Shinji?" she is closer now. I feel her right behind me.
"I'm sorry..." I say...oh shit...I'm on the verge of crying, too. The
entire week goes down the drain. Whatever self-respect I had clawed
and scraped my way for is gone. I would rather throw whatever
satisfaction I've gained than think of fighting her at this moment.
She is stunned when I spin around and grab her hand. I don't care. I
need contact. I need to say this. "I'm sorry, Asuka...I...should
never have hit you...or bugged you...or..." shit, I can barely speak
I'm crying so hard.
What tiny glimpses I do catch of her are filled by her horrified
expression.
"I shouldn't have...been like that...after the party...I...just...I
didn't know what else to do!"
"STOP IT!"
It takes my frazzled mind a moment to realize what she's said.
"W...what?" I look up. She's...crying? Crying? Why is Asuka crying?
She yanks her hand out of mine. I instantly miss it's presence, but I
regret even that now, as she looks like she has been shocked by
electricity though me.
"BAKA!" she yells at me. "Don't EVER say things like that!" a tear
falls down on my hand that I still haven't moved. "Why are you so
STUPID!?!"
I really don't believe what my ears are telling me. They're saying
that she's crying. That she said those last, all too familiar words,
in a different way than usual. Almost like she was worried. I really
can't say anything. I just stare at my hand where her tear fell.
"Mein GOTT!" she cries. "Every time you say you're sorry, it makes me
want to rip your tongue out! Can't you REALIZE when you do something
GOOD for a change? Don't you realize what you do to..." her voice
catches suddenly.
The last look on her face I remember was one of pain. She ran straight
past me and into her room. The door slammed shut. Hard.
Of course he doesn't.
That is the answer to my three days of deliberation. I feel sick.
Physically sick. Every time he walks by my door, I can feel him. I
know that I was one word away from causing a disaster.
Me.
Doesn't he realize what he does to me? When he keeps apologizing?
When he backs down from me? It pisses me off. It makes me want to
throw him into a wall.
Doesn't he realize what he does to me? When I see that other side of
him slipping away like that? When he turns into that little spineless
boy I hate? Shit. It's like someone taking away something you lo...
Care about.
Yeah. Someone that takes away something you like. It makes you mad.
It makes me mad. The night after he finally got a backbone and punched
me, I was actually smiling. I thought I had finally done it. Finally
edged him on enough.
Even if it was to fight me off.
It was worth it. I knew the moment he dragged me home from that
fucking party. Shit. I wouldn't have carried him home in that
situation. It was like four blocks away from Misato's apartment! He
did, though. He dragged my heavy ass across Tokyo 3 without thinking
twice.
I knew this was the Shinji I liked.
I almost lost it when he apologized. I couldn't believe he was so
fucking stupid. Dammit! I...I shouldn't have pushed...I wanted
another fight. I needed it. A real fight. I wanted to show him he
COULD fight me. That he was the only one I thought worthy.
How do you tell someone that? That you want them to beat the shit out
of you for their own good? I should have taken psychology in college.
Shit.
This is all Misato's fault.
It is, you know.
I hate this situation. I hate this body. This damn biological clock
everyone is always moaning about. I realized, not too long ago, but
long enough for me to have time to think about it, that my clock was
ticking down.
Quickly.
And I wondered if I would have to spend my life like this. Living next
to Shinji.
I'm not stupid. I know what's happening. Misato thought she'd be
smart and make us live together to help our teamwork, but that's not
all it will end with. Even if I hated the guy, I...well, he's always
here. He's always around me. He brushes against me all day. It's not
my fault. I...can't help but feel a little...bit...towards him. It's
been a year and a half since the last angel, for crying out loud! But,
there are always indications that there might be more. That's two
years with a guy my own age who...really...isn't all that bad looking.
Argh. ARGH! No. I can't keep thinking like this or I'm going to go
insane.
But...in all fairness, I tried. I really did try to ignore my clock.
But it's soooo HARD!
Eventually, I came to accept this. I knew that it was possible that I
may have to spend another ten years or so around Shinji. I also began
to realize I had two options. A kind of choice in the matter. I could
spend this time with either the Shinji who apologises, who pisses me
off, who is a spineless wussy...or...I could spend it with the Shinji
who I l...like. The one who beats the shit out of angels and can
actually stand up to me. The one who told his father to fuck off when
he begged for forgiveness.
The one who helps me out...even when I'm too stubborn to admit I need
it.
When I realized I may have to fight for that Shinji for as long as I
know him, I must admit, I wasn't too happy. I don't want to fight him
all the time just so I can stand to look at the guy.
Fuck you, Shinji. Both of you, this time.
And he held my hand again, too. I was disgusted. What was worse was I
didn't want to let go. Even when he's that annoying little boy, I
can't help but see his other side.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST MAKE UP HIS MIND!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit.
I mean, it's not like I'm looking for love or anything. If...if it
happens, then...fine, I guess. But...I...I just wish I had someone to
talk to. Someone to be with. Shinji's almost that...but...he keeps
fucking up.
The other boys aren't even on the same planet we are. The only world I
know anymore is Eva. It's all I've ever had anyway. I'm not about to
change just so I can hang out with those pitiful stooges that make
Kensuke and Toji look good in comparison. At least THEY know this
world too.
Dammit. I just wish Shinji would...
Even if he is a wuss.
"Das geht dich einen feuchten Scheissdreck an!"
Err...okay...?
I know that's a bad phrase. The way she said it would make paint strip
off the walls if it hadn't been right at my face. It comes at the end
of the week, after probably the worst point in our...friendship...I
have ever known. I finally got enough nerve to ask what was wrong, and
she replies with this.
That urge to hit something is coming back. This time, though, any
inanimate object will do.
"What did you say?" I ask, all too aware I probably won't want to know.
"It means none of your fucking business, Shinji." Asuka glares at me,
then turns around to continue to make a pot of coffee.
What does she mean by THAT? Of COURSE it is my business! She hasn't
been out of her room in days! Ever since I...uh...we broke down in the
hall. If it's for some other reason than me, then I'm going to be very
surprised.
"Here. Let me help." I offer, reaching past her into the top drawer to
get a small measuring spoon for the ground coffee beans. She snatches
it right out of my hand before I can do much else, though, and quickly
throws it back into the drawer.
"I can do it myself." Her voice is low and dangerous. I know I should
be scared. Hell, I should be anywhere but right next to her at this
point.
"Asuka..." I sigh. "I don't want to fight you. Tell me what's..."
Oh.
Oh shit.
Something I just said got to her. I find myself backing up even before
I can think of what it was.
"That's JUST THE POINT, Baka!" she yells. Despite her obvious anger,
she seems almost tired. Fed up and at the end of her rope.
"W...what?!"
Her eyes...they are glaring at me. I never thought something so
beautiful could look so damn threatening. Her lips are thin and
curled, like she's getting ready to bite something. I believe it was
right about then where I started fearing for my life.
"Little Shinji, always so bloody nice and proper..." she began quietly,
but her voice was picking up. "But he doesn't realize what a petty,
selfish little weakling he is! Everyone's feeding him a string of
'well done, Shinji!' and 'good work Shinji!' so he never figures it
out!" She leans back and raises her arms to the Heavens we battle.
"THE INVINCIBLE SHINJI!!!!!! Everyone give him a FUCKING hand!!!"
The wall hits my back, and I find myself crawling along it, looking for
the exit. Oh, but this is just getting started.
"Tell me something, Shinji-KUN..." she growls. I am scared, no matter
how often I dream of her saying my name like that. "What would you do
if I just kissed you right now?"
I must admit...I don't know.
"Tell me, Shinji..." she glares at me, but there's something new in her
voice. "What would you do if I just knelt down and started unbuttoning
your shirt with my tongue?"
Oh...
Oh my...
I do believe my heart has stopped.
"You want to know what you'd do?" she whispers at me.
I swallow hard, trying to remember how to breathe.
"You'd apologize." she growls.
I blink.
"Do you REALIZE how much you PISS ME OF!?!?" she yells RIGHT into my
face. "For TWO YEARS, SHINJI! TWO FUCKING YEARS! I have had to
listen to you apologize! I have had to listen to you cower away! I
have had to listen to you squirm under ANY kind of pressure! Do you
have ANY IDEA HOW THAT PISSES ME OF???!!!"
I find the door frame, but she pins me with her left arm. Oh shit...
"It's like you wasted the LAST bit of your backbone on your Father!"
Oh.
Now.
THAT.
Was...not...nice...
She sees my reaction, too. I hate knowing it's exactly what she was
hoping for. "You heard me, Shinji." she growls. "Tell me, when you
watched that bastard's heart-monitor come to a stop, did your spine
slip out your a..."
S M A C K !
She stands there, completely stunned as a trickle of blood runs down
from the corner of her lips. My arm is shaking, but has somehow found
it's way to my other side, conveniently crossing over at the height of
her jaw. That one did not feel nearly as good as the one on the train.
I'm truly angry this time.
P H O O M !
Oh...I can't say I was expecting that...nor was my stomach, or I might
not be keeling over at the moment.
"Ahk...!" I think I remember saying.
"Sorry." Asuka smirks, wiping the blood from her cut lip. Her voice
makes it clear she is anything but.
I don't really know what came over me, but it did. "ERRRAHHHH!" I dive
right into her. Head first. I don't care how I hurt her, so long as I
hurt her. Fists and heads aren't important.
I think I managed to push her into the edge of the table. It probably
hurt her a lot, in fact, she let out a sharp yelp as it hit her side.
No chance in hell I was going to give up there, though. I all but
charge at her when I finally am able to stand.
She KICKS ME! That fucking BITCH! I can't believe she just kicked me!
In the stomach again, too. I vaguely remember hitting the wall and
sliding down to the ground but I can't be sure since consciousness was
trying to leave me for most of the fall.
"Get the FUCK up!" she coughs. "I'm not done with you yet!"
I fight to get up...I really do...but I can't. I can barely breathe.
"No way you're just going to keel over like your dad did!"
"FUCK YOU!"
The next thing I know, she's underneath me, and am struggling to choke
her. Dammit! WHY WON'T SHE JUST...GIVE UP!
Her hands, however, are not nearly as weak as an average girl's. Time
has been very generous to this woman, and I'm wondering if I'm even
going to be able to beat her. Not only does she manage to pry my grip
off of her neck, but she begins to fight back, pushing me away.
If I didn't know better, I could swear she was enjoying this. Bitch...
Her knee comes up to my chest. Had she been wearing a skirt, it would
have made a very interesting entry in a Hentai magazine. No such luck,
however, as she throws me back against that fucking wall with a grunt
and a push.
I really hate this wall. It's beating me up just as bad as she is.
"Come on!" she yells. "Is that all you got?!?" her arms have got mine
in a virtual stalemate. I really don't believe how so much strength
can come from someone like her. How I'm able to match her is anyone's
guess as well.
"STOP IT!" I beg. She's going too far. She's not letting me stop!
Every time I try, she threatens to bring back memories I want to leave
behind. "What the HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
She leans against my shaking arms with her entire weight, trying to
overpower me. If it wasn't for the wall behind me, she would have won.
I didn't want to bring his father into this.
I really didn't. Fuck it. I don't care, so long as he fights. I
don't care if he fights me or something else, so long as he FIGHTS! I
have made my decision, and I am NOT going to live with that other
Shinji. I want MY SHINJI!
He finally slides out from under me, and I must admit, I'm a little
surprised when he pins me to the floor with his shoulders. He's
fighting. REALLY fighting. For a moment there, I was almost scared he
was going to try to kill me.
But that doesn't matter. I just want him back.
The only sounds now are ragged breathing and the sounds of struggle.
Fuck talk. This isn't a conversation anymore. I finally manage to
elbow him in the head, and he rolls off of me, holding his ear.
Honestly, I don't know where this will stop. I'm getting tired. I
didn't sleep well last night. He's going to knock me on my ass. I
just hope it's not against anything too hard.
I get off another punch. Damn it's beginning to hurt. He has a strong
jaw. He, in turn, grabs my side and pushes me into a chair.
Ouch...this is going to hurt...
CRACK!
Oh shit...that did hurt. "AAK!" I cough, but it doesn't help. I'm
winded. My eyes go out of focus and I can't move even if I wanted to.
The Baka is on top of me again, still grabbing my arms like he thinks
I'm faking it.
"Damn you!" he growls at me.
Oh. Oh my. Yeah...I like this Shinji...
And he's not done yet, either. I finally manage to get breath into my
lungs, and pain is registering throughout most of my body, but I can
barely feel it. The Baka's almost lying on top of me and he hasn't
figured it out yet. This is rather...interesting....
"Eep!"
He actually lifts me up. My arms are too tired to stop him and my legs
can barely support myself, let alone a fight. I see stars as he pushes
me back against the wall and pins my neck with one hand.
And he draws back with the other.
Then stops.
Probably because he's wondering why I'm smiling like an idiot. His
grip relaxes slightly as he sees I'm done. I probably couldn't kick
him in the nuts at this point. I'm exhausted. Still...it's worth it.
The look in his eyes is priceless. HIS eyes. MY Shinji's eyes.
I'm laughing before I know it. I'm relived. That's all. I'm glad I
could get him to shed that fucking shell of his.
He smiles. Then laughs too.
Then the pain registers, and we both stop laughing so we don't hurt
ourselves further.
"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
We both cringe.
"Oh shit..." I whisper out loud.
A very angry Misato runs into the kitchen, taking one look at the mess
we've made. I do the same in a measure of some shock. Wow...we really
did fight.
Everything on the table is on the floor. Some plates in pieces. One
of it's legs is busted, just barely keeping it from tipping. The chair
Shinji threw me onto is flattened. Splinters are everywhere. I notice
for the first time that there is a small bit of blood on the walls, and
the floor where Shinji had me pinned. A piece of ripped shirt, and the
lack of an arm on Shinji's school uniform fit together. I notice a
shattered piece of red plastic, and quickly feel my hair. Damn. I'll
need a new head-set.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!!??!!" Misato is almost foaming at the
mouth. The groceries she bought are tossed aside as she grabs the
collar of my shirt and Shinji's ear to separate us.
"Aaahh..." Shinji coughed. "You see, I slipped..."
My eyes are wide. He nods at me, knocking me out of my surprise.
"Yeah...and then you see, I tried to help him up, but..."
"And then fell backwards..."
"Hit the table..."
"Floor was too waxy..."
Poor Misato isn't used to a dual sided attack like this, and her anger
crumbles. "Fine." she lets us go. "Clean this mess, then get
yourselves washed up." she shook her head, storming off. "Ritsuko's
coming over for dinner later."
I can't believe Shinji's still smiling. And he hasn't once apologized
yet. We just sit against the wall and catch our breath for a while.
"I...shouldn't have said anything about your dad." I say. I really
shouldn't have. It was low...even for me.
"It's okay." he nods, reaching over to take my hand. I find no reason
to deny him it. Maybe it's just my imagination, but his is a little
warmer than usual.
"Good punch." I smile, rubbing my jaw. Damn...I'm going to be sore
tomorrow.
Shinji actually blushed at the compliment. "T...thanks..."
It was worth it.
I am officially confused.
I mean, it's not that I don't like this new arrangement. Ever since
that fight, things have gotten back to normal, if not better than they
ever were. But...this is a big step. Even for Asuka.
Then again, she's proven to me I don't know her nearly as well as I
thought I did. And, though it pains me to admit it, I am probably an
open book to her.
It's almost the end of summer now. A summer I will never forget. Toji
and Kensuke must hate me, but I can't help it. I spent almost the
entire two months period with Asuka. It was...out of a lack of a
better word...nice.
I may not know her as well as she does me, but I have learned a few
things about her. Things like her love of video games. We never had
any video games back when the first group of angels attacked.
Oh, yeah. There were more. Nothing as bad as the last three or four
Angels, though. Nothing like Kaoru. Just to keep us on our toes, I
think. Maybe they're not even Angels...
But that's not what I'm talking about right now. Asuka loves video
games. Last Christmas I bought her an old Nintendo. They're really
cheep now anyway, so it seemed like a nice gift. She...er...well, even
Misato was surprised at her reaction. She actually kissed me on the
cheek after almost flattening me against the ground.
Keep in mind this is in her house-coat on Christmas Morning.
We play it constantly. She's better than I am, but I've been
practicing, so at least I can give her a good challenge.
Another thing about Asuka is that she's a great cook. Who would have
thought? Misato's been promoted twice since Kaoru, and she's almost
never home now. Our final months at the High School were hectic, but
we got through. She says I taught her everything she knows...but I
really can't cook some of the things she can.
Asuka still has nightmares.
I hate hearing her across the hall. It's almost like her most quiet
whisper can get past any music I'm listening too. It...hurts. A lot.
I don't want her to have nightmares. That's why when she comes into my
room and asks if I want to play some Nintendo, I don't mind. Even if
it's in the middle of the night.
We usually end up passed out in front of the TV, drooling on the floor,
though she'd never admit it.
That's another thing. She drools. It's a silly little observation,
but I pride myself on knowing it. It's very cute, actually. Not
disgusting in any way. You should have seen how embarrassed she was
when one morning I took a napkin and dried the corner of her mouth for
her.
We go shopping together all the time. She even comes when I go with
Kensuke and Toji, and follows us into the army stores and the Otaku-
Mart for anime movies. At first, I just thought she was humouring me,
but once she learned that half the things we look for aren't
'perverted' or 'idiotic' she didn't mind. Even Toji will accept a
little clothes shopping now...though it is Kensuke's theory that Hikari
is having a direct influence on that decision.
Either way, Tokyo 3 is rebuilt, my friends aren't fighting, and Asuka
seems to actually be my friend instead of an enemy. I am happy. I
really am.
So...
So...why am I confused right now?
Didn't I always want this? I mean, it's not like it's anything to be
worried about. Asuka and I have been doing this for the last few years
anyway. But...
But...
Living on our own?
She's coming to university with me, though she continually reminds me
that she doesn't need to. The apartment is nothing special. Hell,
it's basically two bedrooms, a bathroom and a study. The kitchen...to
my dismay...consists of an indentation in the wall with a fridge, sink
and stove.
"WHOO HOO!" she drops the first of MAAAANY boxes of hers at the door
and runs in.
She's excited, too! I...well...it was my personal belief that once the
Eva project no longer required us to live together she would have
dumped me like a bag of mouldy tangerines.
I follow just behind, carrying a small bag of my most precious items,
and two of HER boxes. They are probably filled with clothes, but damn,
they're still heavy.
"A...Asuka...c...help?" I grunt.
She instantly spins around and runs over to help, catching the box just
before it slips so I can grab hold of the other. "Sorry. I'm just so
excited!" she beams at me. "Think of it, Shinji! No more beer cans
and ramen soup cups!!"
I can't help but laugh. No wonder she's so eager. At least I'm a
CLEAN roommate.
NERV paid it's pilots VERY well, but Asuka insisted we should invest in
a small apartment. It would better to study in and get used to a
normal, struggling student's life. I agreed. It made sense. Though I
still wish the kitchen was bigger. She runs down to the car...
Yes. We actually have a car, too! She drives most of the time, but I
don't mind. It's just a little red (her colour choice again) beat up
rust-box, but it was a symbol of our freedom. A new life.
Anyway, she returns with a box under each arm. "Well?" she sighs as
she sets them down.
"Well?" I blink, looking around at the dark room. The power won't be
connected until tomorrow morning.
"What do you mean, 'well!'?" she frowns, crossing her arms in mock
anger. "This has to be done in an organized way, or we'll never stop
fighting about it."
I blink. I'm also sure I'm blushing. "P...pardon?"
She points down the tiny hall. "Because you are the university
student, I shall allow you to choose your bedroom first." she leans
forward at me, smiling. "Choose wisely, after all, it is the most
important choice you can make!"
I consider this for a moment. She DID have experience with this, after
all. Maybe she's right?
"Uh...well, I'm new at this..." I say. "What one would you choose if
you had to?"
She seems very pleased I am asking her expert opinion. "Well, let me
see." she walks over to the both of them and opens the doors. They are
right across the hall from each other.
I follow. The first room is neat and clean. The second, however,
looks to be the unfortunate victim of a party.
"This one." she pointed at the second room. "This one will be yours."
I frown. Figures. "Fine." I sigh.
She hears the distress in my voice. "Don't you trust me?" she smiles.
Damn Cheshire Cat.
"But..."
She leans forward and pins me against the wall with her arms. Oh...
"If that room is unsatisfactory, you can always sleep in my room..."
she whispers in EXACTLY the voice that keeps me awake at night (among
other things).
Oh, all right. She has inspired MANY a wet, sticky dream. Happy?
I can't even breathe.
Finally, though, I notice she's still grinning at me. "Fine..." I
squeak. "I'll take this room."
She lets me go, but is laughing to herself. "Poor Shinji...you should
have seen the look on your face."
At least she's not howling in laughter like most times. Just teasing,
not torment. I sigh and smile as well. "You should watch out." I
warn. "If you keep teasing Hentai like me, you might get hurt..."
"Oooh." she replies. "Shinji's got a backbone after all..." she states
proudly. "I've taught you well."
That little remark makes me stop in my tracks.
I turn around to see her smiling softly. Then, she reaches over and
takes my hand. "I'm glad." she says. Then, she turns and goes over to
the first of her boxes.
At first...I thought I was mad to hear her say that. Like the only
reason she can stand me at all is because SHE worked for it. But...she
wasn't looking at me like I was some project. She was
just...happy...I've only seen her that happy a few times.
My hand is still warm where she held it. That was not meant for just a
job or a challenge.
She's...proud of me?
We avoid eye contact as she passes back into her room, but I see her
still smiling.
I am happy.
No.
I'm ecstatic!
"Baka! Are you going to help me with the TV?"
"Hai!"
"So what gift are you two up to?"
I must admit, I'm not quite sure I know what this woman is talking
about. Not that I was ignoring her or anything, but up until that
moment, she had been yammering on about stuff I wouldn't even bore
Shinji with.
"Pardon?"
The woman smiles. She's a study partner in my psyche class. (Yes, I
finally bit the bullet and decided to take some psychology courses) I
keep forgetting her name...Tammy...but she's rather smart, and never
gets on my nerves, so I'll humour her this far.
"Anniversary?" she states, pointing to Shinji, who is in the corner
with his cello, cleaning it from it's long month in storage. The baka
doesn't hear anything, at least not that I can tell.
"Oh, uh...gifts?" I re-state. "What do you mean?"
She regards me with a critical eye. "You mean you two aren't married?"
I almost laugh out loud.
Almost.
"O...of course not!" I think I'm blushing. Dammit. I've been hanging
around Shinji too long. "No, we're just living together."
"Oooh!" she laughs softly. "Sorry, didn't know. You two act like
you're so close!"
I smile. "Well, he's a good friend. I guess I'm just kind of used to
him by now."
She leans forward. "So...you two haven't...?"
Again, that damn Shinji-Blush. "No!" I whisper back angrily. "We're
only seventeen, you know. It's a little early for all that..."
Tammy shrugs. "Well, honey...if I were you, I'd make it clear that
he's yours."
I blink. "Pardon?"
"Have you seen his entourage on campus?" she smiles. "There must be at
least a dozen girls, everywhere from sophomores to seniors who are
pining for him. The fact he's an Eva pilot doesn't exactly turn them
off, you know."
Oh...
Is it just me? Or do you hear something ticking?
Shut up, clock!
"I...I didn't know..." I admit, stealing a quick glance over at Shinji,
who is blissfully unaware of the conversation at hand.
"And well, you know he isn't exactly an asshole, and he's not ugly."
Tammy says. "If I didn't already think you and he were an item, I
would have probably tried myself."
"He's off limits." I growl.
Ooh...that was a little bit much. Mmm. No. No it wasn't. Tammy just
smiles.
"Okay, okay. I'll spread the word." she chuckles. "So...how far have
you two...?"
I swear if I blush again I'm going to smack myself.
"Kissed." I say. Actually, it's more of a squeak.
"Aaaand?" Tammy leans forward.
"T...that's about it..." I stammer. I really don't want to tell her
about the Kiss. I still bash myself over the head when I realize how
bloody stupid I was back then.
Flashback time. I find myself doing that a lot. I keep remembering
that kiss. How I squeezed his nose, then just kind of smashed my face
into his...but then...I...I began to enjoy it. He...Shinji...has the
softest lips...warm...inviting...safe...
She giggles. "How was it???"
"N...not..." I swallow hard. "Not bad..." That's the truth, actually.
Tammy is glaring at me like I'm refusing to share a chocolate bar with
her. "Mmm, you're no fun." she suddenly brightens. "But I should get
going. It's getting late."
I nod. We're nearly done all our papers for the week anyway. It's
nice to have her as a study partner. We're both really competitive, so
we push ourselves hard to try and beat the other.
"You two have fun!" Tammy calls out, loud enough to get Shinji's
attention as she puts on her shoes.
"Uh..." he blinks, taking in the situation. "Have a good night, Tammy-
san!"
She turns to me and winks. "See you on Monday."
The door closes.
How DARE she leave me with him! Especially considering what's going
through my mind at the moment. Argh! She must have read that chapter
on mental-manipulation twice. Bitch.
I try to turn to Shinji only when I'm sure I'm not blushing anymore.
"Soo, what are you doing?"
He smiles brightly, now that I've taken an interest in his doings.
"I'm just re-stringing the old hummer here."
"Hummer?" I can't help but smile.
"Yeah." he smiles goofily. "I dunno...it sounds like someone humming,
don't you think?" he demonstrates by humming as low as he can.
Luckily, that's a lot lower than before, or it would be rather comical.
Now, however, he has a very nice, smooth voice.
"Oooh, you're turning into Barry White." I joke, getting a blush in
response. See? He still does that. Even after a month of me trying
to desensitize him to all this teasing. I don't mind, though. He's
bloody cute when he does that.
He turns back to his cello and begins to replace the last string.
"Will you play me something?" I flop down on the floor next to him. We
always have a few big, fluffy pillows lying around for just such a
reason. The only chairs we bother to use are at the table. We usually
just flop down on the floor and play Nintendo all day when we're bored.
Damn...how did he know I liked Nintendo so much? Lucky bastard. I
never told anyone about my Mario fetish.
He smiles as I crawl over to him. "Well, I have to get this tuned
first, or you'll never ask me to play anything else ever again."
Makes sense. "Want some tea? I'm making a cup." I get up and walk
over to the kitchen.
"Please." he smiles a reply.
I think it was probably right about then I decided I was going to kiss
him tonight. No real reason why. I just remember standing up,
reaching for the cups, and thinking that I was going to do it. By the
time the water was boiling, it was a confirmed GO! in my mind.
Damn biological clock. It's hard to ignore, ya know. Even harder to
ignore when I picture ten or twenty drooling women following my Shin-
kun around the classroom. MINE!
And to think I never wondered where he got all those cookies and
muffins and the like. "Here, Shinji, sit down, want a cookie?" and
he's too much of a gentleman not to say: "Ooh, that would be lovely!"
I'm not going to be able to wait forever anymore.
The first testing chords of his cello break my train of thought and
remind me that I'm making tea. Shinji knows exactly how I like it, and
I know exactly how he likes it. I'll be damned if I can ever make tea
that is as good for myself, though.
He knows me better than he thinks.
He knows exactly what I like. Where I like it and when I like it. Oh
god...yes...I know how that sounds. He...is so attentive towards
me...if he's at least half as good in whatever's next, then I'm going
to be a happy girl.
It's...not like I'm in a hurry, though. Must be that whole "I don't
need anything or anyone!" idea I still have in my head. It has cost me
a lot of happiness, in retrospect, but still, I still feel it is my
guiding principal.
I do need Shinji, though. But...I just need him as a partner in life.
I don't need him as anything more...for now. Maybe that's the reason
why I've waited so long.
Here we are in a cozy, lonely room together. The summer heat is
pleasant and lets us dress loosely. He looks very nice in that shirt,
too. I've finally gotten him to dress less like Kensuke, too. There's
no Misato or Pen-Pen. We're all alone, every night. Every night. Oh
god...some of those nights...he was very close to breaking my resolve.
Often, we'll talk for hours about everything and nothing. I...I've
never been able to do that with anyone. Not even Kaji or Hikari. It's
wonderful.
And I can see it when he gives me those looks.
Like, after a long day of studying, I'll treat him to some iced cream
or something, and we're just sitting in the park, eating, and he just
gives me this curious smile that melts right through all my defences.
It's almost enough to make me listen to that damn biological
clock...and yet, we still haven't done anything yet.
My heart's beating so fast. I'm nervous. Tea's almost done.
Asuka sets my tea on the little coffee table that shares space with all
the pillows on the floor. "Arigato." I smile.
She nods, but doesn't say anything. There's something on her mind...I
can see it. She's holding her cup with both hands. She only does that
when there's something on her mind that's she's not sure of.
Oh well. She's probably just worried about mid-terms or something.
And if I keep looking at her like that, I'm going to get caught
staring. Shit she's beautiful. I remember when it was only one minute
out of a day when I would realize that, but now? It's all I see.
She's gotten so nice to me. We're finally roommates, and not
constantly fighting for position against each other.
We're more than that. We're friends. No. Closer than that.
I...can't think about it or I'll end up disappointing myself, but...I
still love every day I'm with her. I really do. She gives my life
meaning. I have someone to share it with, instead of constantly
working towards things I'm not even sure exist.
And...
I make her happy.
I know that now. I see the way she sneaks in those little smiles at me
whenever I get mad and yell at a store clerk that's gone too far. And
it's not even just me acting like her...though god knows I do
sometimes...she also seems to accept that I try to be nice. Some
times, if she's yelling at someone about something, I'll interrupt and
try to calm things down. Though she shoots me looks that could kill a
horse for a few moments, afterwards she just smiles and thanks me for
stopping her.
My happiness is hers. I love seeing her smile. I honestly do. It's a
reason to get up in the morning and live life. She smiles a lot
now...often for no other reason than it's morning and she sees me.
Every time, though, it loses none of it's magic.
"I'm ready." I state, getting lucky and tuning the last two strings
almost immediately. The sound is nice. One last test on the bow and
my cello produces a nice, low, clean sound.
"Mmm." she smiles, sitting down across from me. "Okay. What do you
know?"
"How about Suiten Fur Violoncello?" I state proudly. It's my favourite
song to play. The only REAL song I know, actually. The rest is often
just me adlibbing.
She laughs. "I have NO idea what that is. Just go ahead."
Probably the best thing about this apartment are the neighbours. There
are none. Between the stereo (with SDAT player) that she got me for my
birthday, and the huge collection of CD's she packed with her, this
must be the loudest apartment on the block.
The first few chords are tricky, as I haven't played in a long while.
Soon, though, I've remembered the whole song. Asuka patiently waits
for me to stumble though uncertain waters, and smiles as she sees me
finally get it. I have such a wonderful audience.
This song is beautiful. It really is. It's soft and complex and flows
like honey, even though it's actually a very fast song. Difficult to
play, but calming to the ears. It's even, back and forth rhythms
eventually blend together into a wonderfully complicated, but soothing
sound.
I haven't played it in so long that I find myself almost crying half
way through. It feels that good to play. I...I have always played
this song when I'm happy. I really can't when I'm sad. It always
means that my life is going good when I can.
I'm not even trying to play it anymore. It's just flowing out now. I
can't believe it, really...I just listen to the music. At this moment,
I consider this my greatest accomplishment. Not stopping the Third
Impact, or killing all those Angels, or piloting Evangelion when nobody
else could.
This.
Right now.
Playing the song I love for the woman I love.
This is my greatest moment. If I do this again tomorrow, then that
will be even greater.
As I open my eyes, I realize Asuka is staring at me. Almost like she's
surprised. "S...Shinji...what was amazing..." she whispers.
"New strings." I smile weakly, wiping a tear away from my eye before it
threatens to fall.
"No..." she shakes her head. "That...was nothing like how you used to
play. That was beautiful..."
She's locked onto me. I can't get away even if I wanted to. Like hell
I wanted to. Not this time. "I..." I shrug. "I guess I'm just
happy." I explain weakly.
She blinks, giving me the chance to explain.
"This past summer..." I say. "I...I really haven't been happier in my
entire life." My voice is threatening to crack, but Asuka doesn't seem
to notice. She's only smiling.
"Really?" she asks.
"Really."
Here goes nothing.
"Thanks to you." I add after a second.
She doesn't respond in words. Rather, she smiles, then quickly takes a
sip of tea, again, holding it by both her hands.
I join her with my own mug. Occasionally, I'll play a few little
improvised songs. One I actually wrote a while ago gets her attention.
"Hey, what's that one?" she asks, downing the rest of her tea.
"Just something I made." I tell her with a shrug. "It's actually
nothing much."
"I know." she smiles. "Can you teach it to me?"
I blink. Asuka wants me to teach her something? The Forth Impact MUST
be upon us.
"Uh...sure!"
"What?" she mocks, walking over to my chair. "Don't think I can handle
it?"
"Since when have you played a cello?" I question.
"I may surprise you, Shin-kun..." she winks.
That's more than enough to kick my heart into overdrive, but I manage
to stay calm and relinquish the seat to her, holding my cello until she
gets behind it. I walk to her front and wait.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEK!
We both cringe at the sound. She laughs. "Oops."
"You might want to hold the reed flat against the strings." I offer
with a grin.
"Oh, right." she winks. "Here we go."
A few shaky notes are played. Nothing nearly as bad as the first
screeching one, but still, I must admit, I'm not impressed. She sees
the look on my face and frowns. "Well?"
"Well what?" I ask with a shrug.
"Show me." she smiles. "Show me the notes?"
I walk over to her and kneel down so I'm eye-level with her. "Okay,
first, put your hand..."
"No!" she sighs, frustrated. "I can't learn anything that way.
Here..." she scoots forward on the chair.
It takes me a moment to realize she wants me to sit behind her.
"W...what?"
"Sit behind me." she says. "Come on, it's just like back in Unit 02.
You can't show me unless you're sitting with me." she explains.
Damn logic. It will be the end of me, I swear. "Ahh...okay...." I
shrug, standing. It's a tight squeeze, but I manage to sit right
behind her. There's about an inch between us, and I'm determined to
make sure it stays like that. This would be too easy to turn into an
embarrassment.
Her body is slim enough that I can reach around her shoulders without
too much touch. The less, the better. I'm already going to have
dreams about this situation...the last thing I need to do is get too...
OOPH!
Well, so much for that inch. She slides back against me and traps me
against the back of the chair. "Stop squirming." she commands. "I
wanna learn how to play."
"Jawohl mein Fuhrer. Heil Asuka!"
She blinks. I can actually hear her surprise. Oops. Hehe.
"I had no idea you could speak German so fluently." she says dryly.
"Gomen." I grin. At least she didn't smash my jaw for that remark.
"Teach me some songs and I'll forgive you." she smiles, turning just
enough so I can see her do so.
"Hai..." and with that, I muster up just enough courage to rest my
hands over hers. "Now..." I swallow hard. "Uh...Mmm...okay, how about
this..."
Trying to concentrate on the cello is probably one of the hardest
things I've ever had to do, but I manage, and a nice little scales
comes ebbing from the cello's belly. Asuka nods and tries herself.
It's close...I'm impressed.
"I want to try something harder." she says softly.
"Uh...oh...okay..." H...h...harder? Did...she just...NO! Bad Shinji!
However...not ALL of me is listening to the No. 'Little Shinji' seems
to be quite happy about the situation, and agrees it's time for
something harder...
The next bit is a little trickier, but I manage to play it by focusing
on the music. This is getting harder and har...der to do, though, as I
feel a very soft, warm back up against me. Her golden red hair is all
I can see, and it looks very soft. I...really...have to stop thinking
about how I want to touch it.
When I pull my hands away from hers, it's almost with a sigh of relief.
Doesn't she know what this is doing to me? She plays it. Again, not
too badly.
"And?" she asks.
"Play it again." I improvise. I need some time to recover. "Try to
get it to loop smoothly."
She nods and begins to play it again. SQUEEEEEEEK! Ouch...hehe.
Maybe she's not that good after all. She grumbles something in German
at my cello, but tries again. The first loop is nice...but when she
tries to move her fingers to the original note from the last, she makes
that same horrible squeak.
Of course, that's enough to slide me into music mode again.
"No no no!" I sigh, reaching through her arms. "Okay, now, put your
fingers like this..."
I can feel her tense up slightly, even if only for a second, but she
relaxes back into my arms. "Okay..." again, in that soft, sweet voice.
I'm just guiding her right wrist, with my hand, but I have taken over
her left, and have my fingers intertwined with hers. "When you come to
the end of this part..." I urge her to start playing, then stop her at
the last note. "You can let go on everything except your thumb, and
then slide up to here..." I gently guide her hand up along...
I feel something warm against my cheek.
It takes me a second to realize it's her cheek.
Oh.
Oh my.
I think I better move...soon...
But I can't. It's like I'm paralysed. The temperature in the room
just jumped ten degrees, and I find myself unable to think clearly
anymore.
She's not trying to move, either. She's leaning into me. Right into
my arms. Asuka Langley is pressed up against me, and I am so scared I
couldn't run away even if I wanted to.
"Shinji..." she whispers, gently dropping the bow.
I...I can't even say her name. I think I'm holding my breath.
"It's okay..." she tells me, leaning forward slightly for a moment,
letting my cello rest on the ground.
My heart almost leapt out of my chest as she leaned back again, taking
my arms in her own. Her head is nestled up against my neck and
shoulder, and she's wrapped me around her body like a blanket that she
doesn't want to leave. She...she leaned back? She didn't want to
leave? No...this is too much...there...must be some
mistake...a...horrible joke...teasing me...
"Shinji Ikari..." she whispers into my ear. "I am going to kiss you
now...if you'll let me."
Oh god...
I feel her nose brush up against my cheek, then the warm touch of her
lips just below it. Her lips...oh...oh my god...
If...if it stopped there, I might have been okay...but...it didn't.
She kissed me again. This time on the corner of my mouth.
"A...Asuka..." I beg. I'm not even sure what I mean, or what I want
her to do...stop mostly. I want her to stop. If she kisses me again,
I know I'm going to be lost...
"Shinji..." she turns away and sits up.
That was close...oh god...
But...then...she slides her arm around my neck and pulls me forward.
The chair falls away, and the next thing I know, I'm propped up against
one of those pillows as she descends upon me.
She stops, just an inch above my face. Our noses are almost touching
as I find myself caught in her eyes.
"Shinji..." she whispers. Her breath is hot and sweet as it crosses my
tongue. "Mmm?" she asks, mostly with her eyes...but there is a
pleading tone in her voice.
I mustn't run away...
We kiss.
Soft, pink lips gently cup my mouth, and without hesitation I kiss
back. All I can feel is her body pressed against mine as we gently
taste each other.
She....tastes...
Asuka tastes like music.
Complex, but sweet. Completely soothing, but demanding of all my
senses. She lets out a soft cry as my tongue finds hers and coaxes it
to join. I...really have no idea what I'm doing...all I know is that I
can't stop now. Not when she's reacting like this...
Oh god...
She wants me.
She actually wants me.
There has to be some mistake...this is all a horrible, cruel joke...
"God, Shinji..." she breathes against my neck as we break for air.
"Please don't stop..."
Never mind...
Our lips meet again, this time almost with a fever. We dive into each
other and explore. The soft, pebbly texture of her tongue slips
against mine. Her entire body tenses as I capture it with my mouth and
suckle on it. When I let go, she simply does the same to me. I can't
believe it.
My hands find her silky hair, massaging at the base of her neck and
begging her to stay as close as she already is. "Shin-kun..." she
looks into my eyes with heavy-lidded blue orbs.
I answer with all the passion I can muster. She whimpers as I capture
her upper lip and test my tongue along it. Asuka responds by pressing
her hands into my shoulders and forcing my arms down from her head.
Then, she holds my hands in hers and stretches out along my body,
holding us together by taking away any leverage that might get in the
way. I become VERY aware at the heavy weight against my erection, as
well as the soft, hot force of her chest pressing against me.
"Mmm..." she smiles between kisses. "Do you like this, Shin-kun?"
I grunt and have to shift to avoid hurting my groin, but eventually,
nothing's getting crushed. I must be blushing something terrible.
"Asuka...this is...very..."
"Nice...?" she offers, diving against my mouth again. "Pleasant?" she
whispers. "Or how about just perfect...?"
I can reply only with another kiss. Finally, though, I remember my
words. "Unexpected..." I offer quietly.
She blinks, letting go of my hands. "Sorry..." she whispers
sheepishly.
Dammit! Why do you always do that, Shinji! "NO!" I try to make up for
it, but she's already picking herself up off of me. "No! I didn't
mean I didn't want it...!"
Asuka looks down at me from her seated position and shakes her head
with a tiny smile still on her lips. "Baka...I can tell." Then, she
reaches over and takes my hand. "Just...just shut up and enjoy it,
okay?" she takes a deep breath and then...
Presses my hand against her...
Oh.
Oh. My. God.
"See?" she whispers. "Me too."
I really don't know what I'm finding more arousing. The soft,
firm...ahh!...or...the fact she's...it's...erect...
"Now..." she says to me. "Do you believe me?"
I nod weakly.
"Good." she takes my hand away. I wasn't even aware I was holding it
there on my own. "Because I only promised to kiss you tonight." she
smiles.
I lay there, stunned, as she leans over and kisses me on the nose
before standing up. My hand is still warm.
I wasn't sure until that night.
But yes...I Asuka Langley Sohryu, am in love with Baka Shinji.
It really was only a matter of time, I guess. Everything we do is. I
knew all this the moment I decided we should live together. There
really is no other option.
For a long...LONG...time, I wanted not to. I knew that if we lived
together, something would happen, and if it turned out to be the wrong
choice, we would only end up hurting each other.
It's like those hedgehogs.
The closer they get to each other, the easier it is to hurt the other.
However...
However...
Once they find just the right angle...just the right position...and
ease into one another, two hedgehogs can be together and live with all
the spines.
The last thing I wanted to do was get that close to Shinji and then
suddenly have to pull away.
I now know I won't have to.
And on a less philosophical note...
God that boy can kiss.
Kiss. Oh god. He kisses me. He kisses me like it's the most
important thing in the world to him. It's scary and thrilling to be
wanted that badly. It's downright arousing to see him look at me with
those eyes. To feel his tongue do that little...oh yeah...that's the
stuff.
I had to stop it with the kiss. I had to. Forgive me, Shinji.
Forgive me, body. If I didn't at that exact moment, I would have never
been able to stop.
I was honestly wondering if I would be able to stop. Ever since I felt
his arms go around me. It felt so perfect. If I live to be a million,
I will never know anyone else like that.
Shinji is mine.
I am Shinji's. If he'll take me, I am his. I used to worry about
that...but something tells me he wants me just as bad.
It's...It's not that I'm re-evaluating my life. I still exist with or
without him. I am Asuka Langley. I have my own dreams and fears. I
have goals and desires with or without him.
But...
Existing WITH him is starting to look a whole lot nicer than before.
If I have the choice, I will chose it to be with him instead of alone.
Of course, the sweet Baka needs to be convinced this. That is why I am
kicking his ass on Nintendo at the moment. The one battleground where
we are still equal, yet can battle without breaking furniture.
"I don't get it..." he says as he tries to pin my character down to the
mat. "I mean...this is all so..."
"Sudden?" I growl, flipping out of the way of his fire-ball, then
flattening him with one of my own. "HA! Do you think I would have
moved in with you if I wasn't thinking ahead?"
"You mean?"
"About a year." I admit. "I've had a lot of time to think about you,
Shinji." I shoot him a smile, getting a chance to blast his character
with another fire-ball while he's distracted.
"So..." he grumbles, blocking my next attacks. "What now?"
I nod. Logical question. "Well, we can either just avoid stuff like
that as much as possible..." I offer. "I mean...it's bound to happen
once or twice more, but I'm sure we can keep it to a minimum."
He nods sadly.
"Or, we can just stop worrying and live together." I turn to him and
smile. "That includes accepting whatever happens."
Shinji's character gets knocked flat on the floor.
"If you want me to go, then I will." I state. Despite my calm voice,
this is the part I've been dreading to bring up. I...I really don't
want to go. Still...this is Shinji's life too. I can't be selfish
when it comes to this.
Not this time.
This is life. Not Eva. What has been decided in these last twenty
four hours is not something that children need ever worry about. This
twenty four hours will become the next twenty four years. It's scary,
but I'm almost wishing for this first moment to be over with and out of
the way.
Just make up your mind, Shinji. I'll live either way...
No matter how much I want to live with you.
By the way he's kissing me right now, though, I think I won't have to
worry about it.
"HahAH!" he laughs suddenly breaking away from the kiss that I have
somehow fallen into.
I turn to the screen to see my broken and bloody fighter on the ground,
KO'ed. I turn to him with a growl, but he just sticks out his tongue
at me.
Damn I love him.
"Please stay." he asks softly.
"Okay." I nod as I lean into him again.
End.
-------------------------------------------
Originally, this was leading up into a slight lemon, but I think I'll
save that for a sequel if I ever decide to post it. ^_^ I just needed
to get some WAFF out of my system. I think I'm taking Higher Learning
entirely too seriously, but don't worry that will pass eventually as
well.
This story was written on one night, looked over and fixed up over the
span of another night, and finally ready to post months later. I
really don't know why I wrote it, it just seemed to be needed. I feel
kinda bad, and I hope nobody thinks I'm ripping off the idea from "Role
Playing", a wonderful fic by Lara Bartram and Ammadeau. In it, they
mention how Asuka basically wants someone who can stand up to her and
life around her. She wants Shinji to be strong, so she can honestly
love him. This fic was actually written before that, so I just want to
point out I don't usually take core ideas from other people if I can
help it. ^_^ Fan fiction is one thing, but to copy other people's fan
fiction is just bad form.
I wanted to show the gradual progression, reasons why, and thoughts of
Shinji and Asuka as this happened. It's much harder to write than a
omni-present story-telling view, but I have been told I can pull it off
once in a while, so I'm giving it another shot. Also, all the little
story hints, like dealing with Shinji's father, or eventually, even
Ritsuko and Maya, will stem from Higher Learning, most likely. I WAS
going to have this a part of HL, but decided against it, considering
two entirely different plot progressions. HL is still a work in
progress anyway. This is a one or two-shot.
I hope you enjoyed it! ^_^
C&C can go to: strikef@bigfoot.com
If you're interested in my other funky bad-assed stuff, go to:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9110
my homepage and dumping ground for all my brain-by-products. Thank you
for reading, and don't forget to put on your favourite "Fly me to the
Moon" as you leave. ^_^
Strike Fiss, Ninja Crowbotics 2000. Khattam-Shud, EOF. (
geocities.com/tokyo/Lights) (
geocities.com/tokyo)