Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by the people at GAINAX.
Used without permission.
BACKGROUND (aka shameless plug)
It's recommended that you know what happened in 'Ramen' and 'Ramen 2'
to understand the assumptions this fic are predicated on. My web
archive is at http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/
This is a LIME. That means naughty things. You have been warned.
This is also a PARODY. OOC warning. PWP warning.
C&C, pretty please?
RAMEN 3
an eclectic fanfic with references to numerous anime series
as well as non-anime TV series.
by EeL (Ee-Loong Toh)
In a dark forbidding chamber, the twelve monoliths of SEELE winked
into existence, one by one, as they formed a circle. The Illuminati-
like organization was in session to discuss a course of action after
falling foul of a trap laid by Ikari Gendou and one Tendou Nabiki.
The monolith of SEELE 01 changed from 'SOUND ONLY' mode to visual.
The figure of Chairman Kihl appeared, his hands clasped in front of
his chest as if in prayer.
"We face the unpalatable choice of surrendering to the wiles of
that traitor Ikari. That means going bankrupt and giving up the
Human Instrumentality Project. Or we can resist and try and fight
back. In my opinion, the latter is only feasible if we can somehow
persuade Tendou Nabiki to withdraw her backing of Gendou," declared
Kihl. "SEELE 02, can you manage that?"
"I'm afraid not," came the voice from the SEELE 02 monolith. "She
can be very stubborn when she wants to. It doesn't help that she has
also mastered the Tendou Giant Demon Head Technique." The artificial
electronic distortion of the sound gradually dissapated to reveal a
rather sweet, gentle and feminine voice. "I'm sorry. But I am unable
to do anything." The image of Tendou Kasumi appeared on the monolith,
looking somewhat apologetic.
"In that case," said SEELE 03, "I propose that we take the former
course suggested by Chairman Kihl." This voice was also sounded rather
like Kasumi's. The SEELE member's image came online to reveal a young
lady with long, luxuriant blonde hair and strange blue markings on her
face.
SEELE 04 revealed himself to be a short boy wearing orange winter
gear. His hood covered everything except his two huge eyes. "Mmfph
Hmmph Bifphmhmmm Mrfmmm," he said. The universal translator provided
subtitles for what Kenny had just said to the other members of SEELE:
"I second Bellydandy's motion."
"Very well," said Kihl. "Let us take a vote. You may make some brief
remarks to accompany your decision."
SEELE 05 showed herself to be a brownish cross between a rabbit and
cat with white highlights. She stopped chewing on a carrot momentarily
to declare, "Miya!" Ryo-oh-ki of 'Tenchi Muyo!' voted AYE.
SEELE 06 showed herself to be a young baby. She had yellow skin
and regular, triangular spikes of yellow hair which seemed to be part
of her head anyway. She sucked on her pacifier, making a sequence of
distinct baby-sucking-pacifier sounds. Maggie Simpson of 'The Simpsons'
made it known that she voted AYE.
SEELE 07 was revealed to be a very plump dragon cat with a huge
grin and strange markings on its chest. It bellowed and started to
blow on a wind instrument that looked like a hollowed out rock. The
most junior Totoro of 'My Neighbour Totoro' voted AYE.
SEELE 08 found it very hard to follow the proceedings. Lina had
forced him to take this job to pay off their last meal. Well, at least
the pay was decent and everyone seemed to be such nice, kawaii or
just generally harmless characters. Well, except for SEELE 12. High
intelligence wasn't Gourry Gabriev's lot in life. So he tended to go
along with SEELE 02 and 03. As such the 'Slayers' vote was AYE.
SEELE 09 was an orange cat with intelligent green eyes and a mohawk.
"Okay. Close shop. Go back, protect Makoto," said Ura of 'El Hazard',
voting AYE.
SEELE 10 appeared to be a hideous type of mouse that looked more
like a monkey. "Chu chu," it declared. The vote of Chu-Chu of
'Revolutionary Girl Utena' was registered as NAY. It then went on
to make a speech composed of mainly of the sounds 'chu chu' with
varying intonations of pitch, emphasis and volume. Something that went
along the lines of 'If it cannot break out of its egg's shell, a chick
will die without being born. Shinji is the chick. The world is his egg.
If he does not crack the world's shell, we will all die without being
born. Smash the world's shell for the Revolution of the World!'
SEELE 11 was this tiny yellow mouse-like creature with red rosy
cheeks. "Pika!" it said cheerfully. Pikachu of 'Pokemon' voted AYE.
As the sponsors of the motion, it was no surprise that SEELE 02
(Tendou Kasumi of 'Ranma 1/2'), SEELE 03 (Belldandy of 'Ah! My
Goddess!') and SEELE 04 (Kenny McCormick of 'South Park') voted AYE.
The motion looked set to pass with an overwhelming majority. Not many
were stupid or insane enough to oppose Mercenary Girl Nabiki.
However, intelligent or sane was hardly the terms that could be
applied to the final representative in SEELE. It didn't help that this
creature represented a group that wasn't even animated. SEELE 12 was
this purple, pear-shaped creature with a strange looking protrusion on
its head. It waved a handbag as it proclaimed, "Eh oh! Eh oh! Eh oh!
Eh oh! Eh oh!" The rest of SEELE bigsweated as Tinky Winky of the
'Teletubbies' denounced the cowardice of the Committee and proclaimed
that the Gang of Four would usurp SEELE's power.
"Uh-oh!" said Kenny as he realized that he was surrounded by the
frenzied and bloodthirsty figures of Dipsy, La La and Po. "MMMM!!!"
was Kenny's scream of terror as the three Teletubbies rended him
limb from limb, Po uttering its usual slew of Cantonese obscenties
that most viewers don't pick up on.
"Oh! My Goddess! They killed Kenny!" exclaimed Belldandy/SEELE 03.
"You bastards!" shouted Kasumi/SEELE 02.
"It's war!" roared Chairman Kihl.
***
MONDAY
"Unit 01 has ceased activation! It's gone completely silent!"
shouted Hello Kitty Bridge Bunny Shinji.
"Reserve power has been completely drained!" reported Bespectacled-
Bridge Bunny Shinji.
"What's the status of the pilot?" demanded Operations Director
Shinji who was in t-shirt, jeans and red jacket.
"We've got no readings from the entry plug at all!" said Long Haired
and Guitar Playing Bridge Bunny Shinji. "There's no way to tell!"
"What will you do?" asked Scientist Shinji who was wearing white lab
coat over his blue vest and dark pants. Oh, mustn't forget to mention
the glasses.
Operations Director Shinji turned back to the Bridge Bunnies. "We've
got to retreat! Initiate Recovery Plan 17!"
-
"Ummm... I'm sorry, Asuka. I guess I'm a little tired," said Shinji
as he snuggled closer to Asuka and tried to go to sleep.
"Ooooh no, you don't," said Asuka. "You're not getting away that
easily..."
"Please, Asuka..." mumbled a totally drained Shinji. "No more...
please..." (*)
She began to trace lazy circles on his chest and deployed her
ultimate weapon.
"Baka-Shinji," she cooed. She knew he loved being called that. It
made him feel special. Only she called him that. He was her Baka-
Shinji. Asuka cranked up the juice.
"Antaaa baka..." she said in that characteristically Asuka sort of
way as she nibbled on his ear.
-
"Unit 01 is reactivating!" announced Bespectacled Bridge Bunny
Shinji.
"Impossible!" shouted Hello Kitty Bridge Bunny Shinji.
"Oh my god..." gasped Operations Director Shinji.
"...Berserker!" Scientist Shinji completed the thought.
"We've done it," said Deputy Commander Shinji with quiet gravitas
as he watched the main screen. This Shinji had grey hair and wore a
brown uniform with a blue clasp.
Commander Shinji was in the Gendou Position (TM). For those of you
who don't already know, it means glasses shining with reflected light
as his white gloved hands are crossed under his nose, elbows supported
by the desk, looking generally foreboding and mysterious. The Gendou
Position (TM). Underneath those white-gloved hands, Commander Shinji
smiled and made a small grunt of satisfaction.
-
Needless to say, Asuka was very satisfied as well.
***
TUESDAY
The sound of something leathery hitting against flesh. Shinji could
be heard yelping after each strike. Whether in pain or pleasure, the
author will leave to your own preferences. Whatever it was, Asuka did
not like it. She rushed through to the entrance of Shinji's room and
threw open the door.
Her eyes bugged out and her jaw crashed onto the ground.
Shinji was held in place by an assortment of leather restraints,
chains and manacles. And Rei was wearing a very daring and creative
black leather outfit. The author won't spoil the fun by describing
Shinji and Rei's getup in detail. Leaving it to the reader is so much
more fun since the brain is the biggest sex organ and most of us are
secret Class A perverts. Anyhows, it was certainly daring and creative
enough for Sohryu Asuka Langley, current reigning Queen of S&M to
turn as red as an overripe tomato in amazed embarrassment.
"R..Rei!?"
The whole thing was made even more scary by Rei's blank expression.
"It's always the quiet ones," she said flatly.
***
WEDNESDAY
"Asuka..." whined Shinji, "how much longer do I have to keep at
this?"
"Until you get the job done!" said Asuka, leaning back in the sofa,
her hands behind her head. She smiled contentedly.
"Can't you at least give me a break sometime?" pleaded Shinji.
"You're so lazy! You could go on for ages! The tongue is the
strongest muscle in the body afterall..."
"But I don't like the taste..."
"Too bad, baka-Shinji. You're mine today. And you'll do as I say.."
"Umm...Asuka?"
"What is it, baka-Shinji?"
"What's the purpose of all this?"
"Why, it's to reply to all the fanmail that I get, of course! Now
shut up and get back to work! And keep licking! I want all those
replies to go out by tomorrow!"
***
THURSDAY
"Wow, did you guys hack into MAGI?" asked Shinji, staring at the
screen. It depicted the international MAGI linkup system.
"No, dummkopf," said Asuka, "we've accessed SDAT!"
"SDAT?" asked Shinji.
"Maintained by Andre Garde, it is the ultimate Evangelion Fanfiction
Database," said Rei. A banner floated horizontally across the screen.
"Visit http://w3.to/superdat/"
"Oh, yeah, you're right..." said Shinji. Looking more carefully, he
could see the words 'New Stories' over the Tokyo-3 MAGI icon. The other
five MAGI terminals representing Houston, New York, Moscow, Hong Kong
and Berlin where fics were arranged by Title or Author.
Asuka tried clicking on the Hentai section but was denied access.
"Underage my ass!" she fumed. "We get to make sweet love to Shinji
in this fic and we can't even read the lemons on this archive!"
"Well, I bet there's still a lot of interesting stuff in the normal
section," said Misato who joined them in the living room with a beer,
soda and a lot of popcorn. Shinji noticed that Misato was eyeing him
strangely. Somewhat like the way Asuka and Rei did when they... oh no.
Yes, that's right. Misato's read the Hentai section.
Asuka growled. Rei raised an AT Field.
"Just kidding!" said Misato, waving her arms in the air.
"You'd better be," said the Goddesses of Fire and Ice.
"Urm... how about we see Jim Lazar's 'The Garden of EVA'?" said
Misato, quickly changing the subject. The conversion device soon made
a motion picture out of the text on the database.
In the course of the viewing 'Book 0:0 - Bites!', Rei tilted her
head to watch herself tilting her head to follow the action.
"Fascinating," she said, "Very fascinating."
Shinji had his twelfth nosebleed.
"Rei is so screwed up!" laughed Asuka.
"At least I got to pop Shinji's cherry."
"Unlike in this fic!"
"Ikari-kun loves me more."
"Does not!"
"Does too."
"Does not! Does not! Does not!"
"How about we see something else? A romance story perhaps?" inter-
jected Misato. At the end of Chapter 5 of Alain Gravel's 'The One I
Love Is...', Rei, Shinji, Asuka, Misato gave the thumbs up.
"Hard to believe that English isn't his native language, isn't it?"
said Asuka.
"There might be some overuse of the expression of 'surprise' but
the author has certainly taken great care in the technical aspects
of constructing the fic. Some people just don't give a toss about
their formatting, spelling or grammar. That can be to the detriment
of what would otherwise have been an enjoyable fic. TOILI gets top
marks, especially for effort and even-handed characterization."
Everyone stared at Rei who simply shrugged in response.
"Whacky comedy, anyone?" asked Misato pulling up 'Guess what I had
for Breakfast... and Other Works' by Mayhem of the Nicholas F. Toledo
Zu.
Asuka snickered. "No wonder Shinji's so keen to escape from us
everytime we feel the need."
"I'M NOT GAY!" yelled Shinji.
"Even if you are, I will re-educate you," said Rei.
Shinji sweatdropped. "How about a fic where I do make up my mind?"
Misato selected Joyce K Wakabayashi's 'There's Something About
Misato and My Best Friend's Wedding from Hell.'
-
"Mmmmm.... Cameron Diaz..." The author took a moment to slaver
gratituously before returning to work.
-
"Haha! Shinji's rightfully mine!" gloated Asuka triumphantly at
the conclusion of the latest screening.
"It might not be a fair basis for comparison to our current
situation. The EVA-Files universe is, afterall, an alternate universe
where the dynamics of the environment favour a Shinji-Asuka pairing.
Although representative of the general tendencies in the series, we
should also keep in mind that 'There's Something About Misato...' is
also a self-conscious parody of the EVA-Files situation itself. Of
course, I'm out of the running because everyone knows that I'm Shinji's
sister in the EVA-Files from the start. As such, I move that while
extremely entertaining, this fic is inadmissiable as a basis for
making a judgement in our case."
"But I move that 'There's Something About Misato' is indicative of
an author's preference for a Shinji-Asuka pairing!" countered Asuka.
"The author exhibits no such bias in her creative process. Exhibit
B, please," said Rei who chose Joyce K Wakabayashi's 'Urusai Asuka!'
Asuka was, needless to say, furious. "What does everyone think
I'm so into S&M!? And 'Shinji-baby'! And meditation! It makes me sick!
Wait till I sub-peona Wakabayashi-san to make a statement!"
"Will counsel for plaintiff and defendant please step forward," said
Judge Fuyutsuki. Rei and Asuka approached the bench.
"Yes, your honour?"
"Show me your teeth." Both girls facefaulted.
As they picked themselves off the floor, Asuka heard a sound
reverberating through the courtroom. An African tribal chant with
accompanying beat.
"OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA OGACHAKA..."
She slowly turned around to see a translucent dancing baby,
gyrating to the sound.
"What's this!?" screamed Asuka. "Asuka McBeal!?"
-
"Mmmmm.... Calista Flockhart..." The author took a moment to slaver
gratituously before returning to work.
-
"If this is Asuka McBeal, then Shinji must be Billy and I must be
Georgia," said Rei who actually flashed some teeth in her grin.
"AAARGHH!!!" screamed Asuka as the fic reverted from the courtroom
back to the Katsuragi living room. "What are we going to have next!?
Asuka the Vampire Slayer (idea by Joyce K Wakabayashi)!?"
-
"Mmmmm.... Sarah Michelle Gellar..." The author took a moment to
slaver gratituously before returning to work.
-
Still seated in the living room, Rei, Shinji, Asuka and Misato
closed their umbrellas for the third time. "You know," said Asuka,
"this is really starting to piss me off!"
***
FRIDAY
"...and these are the sleeping arrangements," whispered Misato to
the study tour group as she slid open, just a tiny crack, the door to
Shinji's room.
Several pairs of eyes looked at what analogously was a sandwich
with Rei and Asuka as bread and Shinji as the filling. Furious notes
were taken before the door was lightly closed again so as not to
disturb the sleeping threesome.
"Alright," said Misato, "that concludes the Tendou Corp Seminar
Tour on Possible Resolutions to A Complicated Anime Love Life."
As the group left the Katsuragi apartment, Misato noted on her
schedule that the 'Tenchi Muyo!' group was brought forward to next
Friday since the 'El Hazard' group had cancelled.
"I really didn't think Makoto and friends need to attend this
anyway," muttered Misato as she crossed them out from the schedule.
"It had to be Ifurita right from the start."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" wailed Misato's drinking companion drunkenly.
"You've had enough, Shayla! Now gimme that beer!"
-
"Ummm... Akane-chan?"
"Yes, Ukyou?"
"Would the Ikari arrangement be acceptable to you?"
Akane paled slightly. "Well, how about Mon, Wed and Fri for me.
Tue, Thur and Sat for you? I don't think I'm quite ready for what
we just saw just yet... even if you're the most tolerable of all the
fiancees."
"Sounds pretty good to me, sugar."
"Pervert Girl and Spatula Girl no share husband! Airen belong
to Shampoo! Not learn from twisted Eva fanfic!"
"Oh shut up, Shampoo. Those three Eva pilots are this situation
because of you and your stupid ramen," said Ukyou dryly.
"Is blind stupid Mousse's fault!"
"Maybe I should see that Major Katsuragi more often. We seem to
have similar styles of cooking," said Akane.
"If you can call it cooking at all."
"Take that back, Ukyou!"
"Sorry, sugar. Reflex action. Say... aren't we missing someone
here?"
"OHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!!"
"No, Ukyou not mean Naga," said Shampoo to the White Serpent.
"Say, when Lina Inverse had that pigtail in that Zefilia wine-making
scene in Slayers Perfect, didn't it remind you of Ranma-chan?" asked
Akane.
"I think it was a deliberate fan homage. Megumi Hayashibara does the
voices for both Lina and Ranma-chan afterall," said Ukyou sagely.
"Can't believe she does Rei's voice too," said Akane. "And Pen-
Pen's."
"Hayashibara-san have knack for starring in kick-ass anime," said
Shampoo.
***
SATURDAY
Shinji was getting a little worried. He hadn't seen Pen-Pen much
at all for the entire week. Misato's pet had even skipped meals a
few times. He decided to check on the warm springs penguin. Shinji
opened the fridge door lightly and stared.
Pen-Pen stared back at him. The penguin had seemed to be typing on
a keyboard while ten black rectangular holograms floated in a circle
around him. Maps and other operations stuff lay scattered around him.
"Gomen..." said Shinji who returned the fridge door to its original
position. He decided not to think about it anymore and started to
prepare dinner.
Rei entered the kitchen just as he put his apron on.
"Ikari-kun." She had that look again. Her face was impassive but
let's just say Shinji had gotten to know Rei well. Very very well
indeed. A slight twitch of an eyebrow, a faint quiver of a lip, the
flash in those red eyes. Eek. And the apron really turned Rei on.
"Umm, Rei. I... I'd rather not, right now..." said Shinji feebly as
he pointed at the timetable on the wall. Next to the one allocating the
bulk of the household chores to him.
In Misato's handwriting, 'SHIN-CHAN'S SPECIAL CHORES'(*) cheerfully
declared:
MON Asuka
TUE Rei
WED Asuka
THU Rei
FRI Asuka and Rei
SAT Shinji's choice (Asuka/Rei/Asuka and Rei/Rest)
SUN Rest
"It is Saturday," said Rei.
"I know, Rei. It's just that... I'm a little tired. Please? I'll
make it up to you on Tuesday..."
Rei considered it briefly and exited the kitchen. Shinji sighed in
relief. However he began to panic as Rei returned with a loaded cross-
bow a short while later. He also didn't like that fact that she was
aiming it at him.
"WAAAAAUGHH!!!" was Shinji's elegant response as he tried to make
a dash for the exit.
XING.
Rei was a very good shot. The net loaded in the bolt sprang open,
catching Shinji dead centre. The more he struggled the more hopelessly
entangled he became. Rei dragged him into his room and tossed him onto
his bed. Shinji began to whimper as Rei slid the door shut and advanced
towards him.
"Resistance is futile," said Rei. "You *will* be assimilated."
***
SUNDAY
Shinji found himself seated on a deck chair in a theatre. He was
surrounded by the entire Eva cast. Most of them were twiddling their
thumbs, looking at the ceiling, humming songs, generally trying to
pass the time.
"Urm... what's going on?" asked Shinji.
"What do you mean 'what's going on?', dummkopf!?" said Asuka as
she bapped him on the head. "We're waiting for Andrew and Part Four,
of course!"
Rei nodded. "We are all waiting for Andrew."
***
"We did it," breathed Chairman Kihl. "We've won..."
It had taken much blood, sweat and tears. Of course, it really
helped that his forces included Evangelion Units 00-13 and the JSSDF's
992 N2 mines; the Eye of God and the Demon God Ifurita; the Tenchi no
Ken; Lina Inverse's Giga Slave and the Sword of Light; Uncle Jimbo's
arsenal; the Sword of Dios and many other artifacts. Faced with an
overwhelming threat, the anime factions banded together as the Anime
Liberation Army. Putting aside their differences, they marched on the
Teletubbies' bunker. And to victory. Even the Teletubby alliance with
Barney could not save either of their skins.
"Grinding the Teletubbies to dust was way more satisfying than the
Instrumentality of Man could ever be. Now my work is done!" said Kihl.
His visor powered down and the sound of seriously heavy machinery
could be heard as Pen-Pen emerged from the robot-shell that was Kihl
Lorenz, SEELE 01 and Chairman of the Human Instrumentality Project.
The penguin held up a sign: "To celebrate our great victory over the
Teletubbies, I declare that we shall all go to my place over at
Misato's!"
"Isn't it in a fridge?"
"Yeah, but there's tons of free beer. Shinji's cooking is actually
quite good and he plays a great relaxing tune on the cello. I've also
ordered a crate of carrots. Plus we might catch the pilots making out."
A collective cheer went up as the group made their way to the
Katsuragi apartment.
"Yeow, I really dig blue-haired, red-eyed chicks."
"Totoro has no taste. I prefer redheads."
"Ura introduce Kyle to Shayla-Shayla."
"Sweet!"
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
1. Now do you know why SEELE uses 'SOUND ONLY' for communication? ;)
2. (*) - Nods towards Rocci Cirone's wonderful 'Those Darn Eva Pilots!'
doujinshi.
3. Many thanks to Rocci Cirone, Andre Garde, Alain Gravel, Andrew
Huang and Joyce Wakabayashi for pre-reading this fic. Apologies to
Jim Lazar and Mayhem of the Nicholas F. Toledo Zu for dragging their
wonderful work into the mess that is 'Ramen'.
Ver 1.2 - 22 May 1999
Ver 1.3 - 24 May 1999
Ver 1.4 - 30 May 1999
contact: toheel@singnet.com.sg or teloong@cwcom.net
archive: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/
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