Authored by Godsend777
Assists by: Alain Gravel and Sterry
GAINAX owns Eva. I don't. Dammit!
Please do not post without permission and all that happy-crappy.
All characters mentioned in here that are not from my fic have been used with permission, or I have found convenient loopholes to keep me from blame.
Plus, this is a parody; which is a convenient loophole in itself. Thank God.
All situations just happen.
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"There's.... an even greater... danger..." The writer began as he staggered down NERV's hallway.
*BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!* Misato's gun finished for him.
"Wait!" Ritsuko yelled. "What if he had something important to tell us!?"
"Why wait?" Misato asked. "I've got the script right here." She said as she held up another piece of shit fanfic.
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STRANGELY DARKFIC PART 3:
SDAT Smash! When Bad Fics Must Die!
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"So, what's it say?"
Misato took a minute to read the poor excuse for a fic that you are reading now. "Jeez... What'd he do? Let Issei Mataloun ghost-write?"
"At least it's not-"
"Shut up, Rei!" Asuka said as she clamped Rei's mouth shut. "We've only got two good Anthony Dantuono jokes left!"
"So what's it say?"
"Well, Ritsie, it says that Annogelion was revived with the Eva-05 series molesting Shinji."
"Oh, joy..." Shinji groaned. Annogelion still had it out for him, after all.
"And that Gendo's gone through my Interdimensional Beer Hole(tm)."
"Hot damn!" Asuka exclaimed. "You know what that means, right?"
"Alright!" Misato cried. "Yui! Hit it!"
(Background Music - Powerman 5000: When Worlds Collide)
Rei and Asuka wore matching miniskirts and tanktops, complete with matching thigh-high boots. The only difference between the two's outfits was that Rei's was white and Asuka's was red. Both began to grind Shinji slowly He was wearing JNCO jeans and a black fishnet shirt.
Misato stripped off her NERV jacket and seductively led on both Kaji and Hyuuga, who were still in their regular clothes. Maya and Ritsuko did something that wasn't appropriate for the younger audiences, but it was to the tune of the music.
(Author's note: Shouldn't I be screaming 'I love clothes!' now?)
"Alright, enough Evaless." Fuuyutsuki ordered. "Go get Gendo!"
After changing back into their regular clothes, Shinji struck up a heroic-like pose.
"Father..." He said as he surveyed all that was near him. That consisted of a hallway, by the way.
"I'm coming." A very determined look crossed his face. His eyes flared like two jewels in the dark. His forehead throbbed like an aneurysm. His-
"Shinji, hurry up or we'll leave you behind!" Asuka yelled as she and the rest of the NERV staff walked down the hall.
"Eep! Coming dear!" Wuss-boy shouted after her.
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Gendo and Not-So-Chibi-Rei walked through a lush forest. Lush in the sense that the river was apparently 100 proof. He looked very miffed.
"So this is where Misato's never-ending alcohol supply come from..." Not-So-Chibi Rei noted.
"AHHH!" Gendo screamed as he pulled at his hair. "WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW!?!"
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"Okay..." Ritsuko began as she sat down before her laptop. "Team Alpha will consist of Misato, Rei, Asuka, and Shinji. They will recover Gendo from where ever he is."
"Why them?" Maya asked.
"Misato has field experience; Rei has an ATField; and Asuka knows the 'Sacred Eva Fist.'"
"But why Shinji?"
"Ritual sacrifice." Ritsuko said flatly.
Shinji gulped.
"Now, Team Beta will throw the writer into Eva-01 for punishment. Kaji, do you read me?"
**Loud and clear, Rit-chan!**
"Good! Dunk the bitch!"
**Go for it, Aoba!** Kaji said just before a loud splash was heard in the background.
"Now remember to hit the rinse cycle, and get my bathing suit, er... NERV uniform out of there when you're done."
**Sure thing, Rit-chan. Tell Misato to be careful!**
"I will. Over and out!"
"Aww... he really does care..." Misato said sweetly.
"Maybe he'll pop the question when you get back?" Asuka suggested.
"Hopefully... I've been waiting a while..."
"Hey... What will you and Maya be doing?" Shinji asked.
"We'll monitor your progress and have kinky lesbian sex on your kitchen table." Ritsuko put her head in the palm of her hand and looked thoughtful for a second. "Mainly have sex on the table."
"Sigh. I'll set out a mop, then." Shinji muttered as he made his way to the closet.
"When do we leave?" Asuka asked.
"Right now." Ritsuko replied. The four brave souls looked towards the portal before they all jumped in at once.
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FLASH!
Stepping through Misato's Interdimensional Beer Hole(tm); Shinji, Asuka, Rei, and Misato came upon a strange place: Misato's Parallel World Apartment. Sure, it LOOKED like Misato's apartment, but it wasn't Misato's apartment. Catch my drift?
Anyways, curious as to where they currently were, (and also wondering why the writer was ripping off Sliders) Asuka looked at a blinking sign that had mysteriously appeared overhead. Apparently, its function was to tell them where they were.
Everyone threw up in disgust when it turned out to be 'The Saga Continues,' or 'Eva: A World Twisted.' Whichever one; they both suck.
Sure enough, that world's Misato, Asuka, Rei, Shinji, and special 'I'm not self-insertion' Eva pilot Anthony Duntaono, er... Draven walked in. As the rest of the group wiped puke off their faces, Asuka pulled out her carefully hidden German Luger. Hidden where? Think hard.
Several bullets and red stains later, Anthony was no more. Then she grabbed that world's Asuka and proceeded to slap some sense into her.
"But I like it here." S(trangely) D(arkfic) Rei whined. "I get Shinji in this fic."
"Sorry!" *SLAP* "But!" *SMACK* "I hate!" *THWACK* "This fic!" *KERWHAP!* SD Asuka said between slaps. Then she did what was probably best for the rest of the world, and finished off the rest of the cast with her gun.
"Wow!" Misato exclaimed. "You just killed yourself!"
"I'm not my mother..." Asuka said darkly.
"WHY!?!" Anthony Duntaono, er Dantuono.. umm... Self-Insertion Boy whined.
"YOU!!!" Asuka fumed.
"Why did you do that!? You do self-insertion yourself, you know!!"
(Author's note: Yeah, as a joke you little-)
*BLAM!*
(Author's note: Er... Thanks Asuka.)
"No prob!" She smiled happily as she changed the clip and put away her gun.
As she turned to ask what was next, world-perfect boy DJ Croft walked in.
(Author's notes: Since he's 'perfect,' he can probably cross dimensions, too.)
As the girls started to drool over Lara's illegitimate offspring, Shinji pulled Asuka's carefully hidden German Luger from her hiding place-
"Oh!" She quivered.
-and emptied the clip. With Croft-Boy, better to take no chances.
"So... you don't love me enough that you have to drool over other guys?" Shinji asked, very depressed.
"No, that's not it! You know I love you!!" Asuka cried as she wrapped her arms around him.
"Then why!?" Shinji whined.
"It might be because when Asuka killed the other-worldly Asuka, there was no one else to enact the rules of 'Convenient Fic Plotting.'" Rei proposed.
"How do you know?" Misato asked. She had a headache. Being sober for over 15 minutes tended to give her one.
"I don't understand." Shinji said as he looked confused and depressed. For those that don't know what it looks like, let's just say it ain't an easy expression to make.
"The rules of 'Convenient Fic Plotting' direct our actions. It's why I have emotions." Rei continued.
"So without this world's Asuka to take the brunt of CFP, it fell upon me?" Asuka asked.
"Yep."
"So why do you still have emotions? With that Rei dead, you should now be emotionless." Misato put forth.
Rei chuckled. "There was no characterization in this fic at all. Since Asuka and I were basically the perfect girlfriends of spank-boy's wet dreams," She takes a moment to point at Anthony's now cooling corpse. "I had emotions then, so I have them now."
"Weeeeeeeeeeird." Misato stated.
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"Ugh..." The writer said as he opened his eyes. Before him were Eva units 00 and 02. They didn't look as big as they normally did. Actually, they looked about scale to him.
"Oh God..."
He looked down at his hands, which were now purple with lavender knuckles.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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FLASH!
The group emerged from Misato's IBH (Interdimensional Beer Hole) again, and into another parallel world apartment. This one seemed cleaner than the last one. In fact, it was cleaner than theirs was. When they looked around, it seemed that no one was there. They looked up to see what the sign said. It wasn't there.
"What the?"
A little note appeared where the sign was supposed to be. It read:
This sign is not active for good fics. I don't want you to ruin them.
- The Author
"Hmmph! Who does he think we are!?" Asuka complained.
"People who go looking at other guys, apparently..." Shinji muttered.
"Shinji, I said I was sorry..."
"Be prepared." Rei said coldly. Apparently, she was expecting something. "It may be an ambush."
The four heroes braced themselves for any new threat, such as self-inserted characters or horny, dimwitted authors. Or, (God forbid) the elusive Darkfic. Of course, this was a totally unfounded worry, as good fics don't have these. Regardless, what came next was totally unexpected.
"Eek!" yelled a freaked Shinji. Something had grabbed his leg, and since it wasn't Asuka, Wuss-boy was scared.
"How cute!" exclaimed Rei and Misato as Shinji tried to pull the baby from his leg.
"Well, of course!" Asuka joined in. "She's a redhead!"
Rei snorted in disgust.
"Get it off! Get it off!"
"Jeez... wimp..." said Asuka as she took the baby in her arms. The baby smiled. "Hey! I think she likes me! Teri-chan..." She read on the back of the baby's clothes.
The baby giggled at the sound of her name.
"What kind of name is that?"
"Shut up, Misato! I think it's cute!"
"I wonder who would be so irresponsible as to leave such a small child without care?" Rei asked.
"Maybe it's Misato's child..." Shinji suggested.
"Hey! I'm not that bad! Besides, it's a redhead. And... you know.. it kinda has your eyes, Shinji. I know! Maybe it's your and Asuka's love child!"
Asuka and Shinji stared at each other and experienced full facial blushes. Rei groaned. Misato started laughing... What a good joke. The chances of those two having a kid...
"I think someone else is here..." noted Rei as light snoring sounds could be heard thanks to pre-reader's luck.
"I know that sound!" exclaimed Shinji, running towards the source of said sound.
There, they found a visibly exhausted Asuka lying on the kitchen floor, a pool of drool forming on the side of her mouth.
"Disgusting." Rei said as she scrunched her face up in disgust.
"Hey!"
"I... I think it's cute..." tried Shinji.
"Shin-chan! So you don't hate me?!"
"Of course not... I know you love me..."
"Oh, you're such a sweety-baka!"
Misato tried to ignore the couple as she took the baby and put it at the other Asuka's side.
"Gendo wasn't here. He likes to steal candy from babies." Observed Rei, pointing towards a lollipop little Teri sucked for a while before sticking it into the alternate Asuka's hair.
"I guess you're right, Rei." Misato said, staring in disbelief. "Come on, guys, let's go!"
"Bye, Teri-chan!" waved Asuka before disappearing into Misato's IBH.
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"Gendo-sama?" Not-So-Chibi-Rei asked as she walked with Gendo.
"Yes?" Gendo replied. He was rather irritated. He was lost. In a statement of the rather blatantly obvious, he was irritated and lost.
"Where are we?"
Gendo stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts. He took in his surroundings; noticing the desert, various cacti, the smoking remains of NERV Branch 2, and of course, the large sign that said: Las Vegas 25 miles in English, Cantonese, Spanish, and good ol' Nihongo.
"Haven't the foggiest." He responded.
"Oh." A long pause followed as they walked through the desert further, also failing to notice the Area 52 sign.
"Gendo-sama?" Not-So-Chibi-Rei asked again.
"Yes?"
"Let's go behind a cactus and do it!!"
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The writer, now known as Eva-01, stared at his hand. Two kings, two jacks, and a 3. Two pair. Whoopee.
"Well, MY daughter slew the thirteenth Angel by herself. She gets that from MY side of the family, you know."
Eva-00 drooled in response. Being as fucked up as it was, this was a good sign.
"And she got that nice Shinji boy. She has MY taste, you know."
"Uh-huh." Eva-01 grunted. Listening to this moron talk about her over-sexed, uber-violent daughter was starting to get annoying. Even though he loved Asuka dearly; reading too much 'The One I Love Is...' was beginning to shift his opinion to an equal liking of both. Plus, even she has her faults.
But he had to admit, Asuka was damn cute in that plugsuit.
Oh God.
He'd been stuck in the fanfic too long. If he didn't get out soon, he might turn 14 again and pilot an Eva. Or gain special powers that allowed him to seduce the entire female cast. Or just be perfect, like that idiot-
"So, how have you been, Yui?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Even worse, he was becoming Shinji's mom!!!
Time for a citywide rampage.
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FLASH!
Again, the group emerged from the IBH. They looked around the area and saw that various cast members of Eva were having sex. After a few appreciative glances, they looked up to see what fic it was this time.
The sign read: 'What the Hell Happened to Neon Genesis Evangelion?'
"Indeed." Rei stated. The rest nodded sagely. Then they left.
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S2 Organ?
Check.
Progressive Knife?
Check.
Evas 00 and 02 unplugged?
Check.
NERV Headquarters and Tokyo-3 destroyed?
Check.
"Time to follow those losers and get back my body!!" The writer exclaimed. After using Eva-01 to pose up a storm, he lumbered towards Misato's apartment.
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FLASH!
NERV. Terminal Dogma. A tank that used to be filled with Rei clones surrounded our protagonists. Looking to the doorway, they saw someone who looked like Kaworu smiling at them.
"Dear God... It's Dead Children..." Asuka gasped as she read the sign.
"Hello." Moru greeted.
"Hey, shouldn't CFP be killing Misato and Rei off about now?" Shinji asked.
"Hmmm... this is strange..." Rei stated in a very unemotional voice.
"Gah!! It's started!!"
"Hey you!!" Asuka shouted at Moru. "Is Gendo here?"
"Umm... Gendo's dead."
And there was much rejoicing.
"Oh, wait... I don't think he means our Gendo."
"Damn! Then let's go find him! C'mon, kids!"
"Waitaminute Misato... I have some gripes with this fic." Asuka said.
"Such as?"
"The fact that I was left crippled and lost an eye. Then there's this Angel walking around NERV." She said as she pointed at Moru.
"I died." Rei added.
"Come to think of it, I'm dead too." Misato added to Rei's addition.
Moru slowly backed away.
"I don't know where the hell I am. Somewhere in Eva-01, AGAIN." Shinji said.
"None of my doing, I assure you." Moru half-pleaded, half-begged.
"Mm-hmmm. And I suppose you're not going to eventually try to kill us all like the last person who looked like Kaworu did."
"Well... I can't really say..."
"Methinks that someone should wrap up this fic..." Asuka began. Two guns and an ATField were automatically produced. Shinji wussed out.
"Oh my." Moru Kasumi'd.
*SPLAT!!!*
The hand of Eva-01 lifted itself off the pancake that used to be one of the only two ACC's that I ever produced.
"Thanks!" Shinji said.
"Actually, I was aiming for you. Damn depth perception in an Eva is horrible." The writer muttered.
"Uh... why do you want to kill us?"
"I'm don't want to kill you. I slipped on Dr. Richter when I went to get your attention."
"Ewwwwwwww....." Was the collective reply.
"So what are you doing here?" Shinji asked.
"Heh. This is the only fic where I can get my body back. Since it's one of mine and all."
"Ah." Misato said. She scratched her chin thoughtfully for a moment. "Ummm... how did you get loose?"
"Oh, I destroyed NERV. No biggie."
"KAJI!!!"
"Is fine. I like Kaji. He's sane."
"But what about Ritsuko and Maya? And everyone else?" Shinji whined.
"They're fine. Ritsuko and Maya especially. No way was I touching them with what they were doing on your kitchen table."
Shinji sighed. Just what he needed, another mess to clean up.
"Anyways, a few more fics and you should be there. Just don't mess up the good ones, okay?"
"All right." They agreed. Then they flashed out of existence again, leaving the author to find a way back to his body.
"Hmmm... Now where's that spare Writer clone?"
And leaving the audience to gag.
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Tragedy had befallen Gendo. Not-So-Chibi-Rei was dead. They had been having sex against a cactus (safely protected from the sharp spines by her ATField) when she had an orgasm. Said orgasm caused the aforementioned ATField to give out, impaling Not-So-Chibi-Rei on the cactus that was stated above.
Life was not good.
"And it won't get much better." A dark voice came from behind him.
Gendo turned around slowly to see who was talking to him.
Dark Annogelion smiled. Kill this guy, than meet the other losers where this all began. All was going according to plan.
"Sorry, Gendo. But it's time to die. Again."
The sounds of Gore filled the desert as the former VP walked by.
"Oh, haha."
(Author's note: Thbbbbt!)
Dark Annogelion reached for Gendo's throat; the other being not moving. With Not-So-Chibi-Rei dead, what was there to life? The Fourth Impact could not be started...
A wet snap.
A loud thump.
Maniacal laughter.
And Dark Annogelion vanished in a whirlwind of Eva merchandise.
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FLASH!
Our intrepid adventurers appeared in a room that had a couch, a large TV screen, and very little else. Again, there was no sign. Just a note that read: WATCH THIS FIC.
So, they sat down on the couch. The arrangement was Rei, Shinji, Asuka, and Misato; who faced the TV.
THE SAGA OF DRAVEN
BY STERRY
Anthony Draven woke up and scratched his nuts. After spending all night pleasuring Rei (his cat) and Asuka (his pillow), he went outside.
Stretching his muscles, he looked up just as a gigantic purple foot squashed him into a pulpy piss of shite that reminded everyone of the Saga Continues and 'Ghost of My Ass.'
The End
"That was interesting." Shinji said.
"I think we were supposed to riff it." Misato put forth.
"Why?" Asuka asked. "It was perfect."
"And completely in-character." Rei added.
They all stood up at the same time, and began to clap loudly.
"Bravisimo!!"
"Fantastic!!"
"Wunderbar!!"
"Yeah baby, yeah!!"
Everyone looked at Rei.
"Eh... sorry." She blushed.
"Well, let's go. We have to find Annogelion and stop him!" Shinji yelled.
"Wait!" Asuka screamed. Thinking she had something important to say, the other three turned to her.
"Shin-chaaaaaaaaan." She called seductively. "The couch folds out into a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed."
"We'll wait for you by the IBH." Misato groaned. "C'mon, Rei."
Rei didn't move.
"I said c'mon, Rei."
"Huh, oh yeah..." Rei said; a look of sadness covering her face.
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The writer stepped out of the LCL-filled tank that once housed his cloned body. Unlike other clones, he had no off-color hair, red eyes, or ATField.
And the audience sighed in relief.
As he adjusted his clothing, he wondered where his 'Ghost in the Shell' T-shirt had gotten off to. Such thoughts were thrown out the window as he stepped by Moru's remains.
"Well, I'm sorry it had to come to this. If I had known judging distance in an Eva would have been so hard, I wouldn't have reached for their attention." He gazed at the remains for a few minutes longer, then walked to the IBH.
"Weird... I thought a body-hopper would have just gone to another body..." He muttered.
That was when a slight feeling of invasion tickled the back of his mind.
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FLASH!
As per usual, The Eva-Team found themselves in another fic. Looking up a the sign, it read 'Clone Wars.'
"What!? What the hell are we doing here!?" Asuka screamed.
"Man!! And I thought we were going to a GOOD fic!" Misato said.
"Figures we would wind up here instead of the actual storyline..." Rei grumbled.
Shinji sighed.
Then, they went back into the IBH, leaving a very confused love triangle behind them.
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"Hmmm..." Thought Annogelion as he sat upon the Throne of the Soul.
"The morons seem to be getting close. Perhaps I should send an army of Self-Inserted characters to slay them?"
He scratched his butt and shifted his position on the can.
"Ah, why the hell not."
Reality quickly shifted its perspective to outside the bathroom so as to spare the reader the horror of Anno's toilet activities.
Fifteen minutes later, he opened the door and prepared to do a summoning spell.
"On Issei! On Dyron! And Lisa Foster!" He began to rhyme. "On Ichiro! On Sublime! My Self-Insert Roster!"
Five individuals, all at different levels of power, but who still sucked mightily, appeared.
"My Sword of Power and Gun of Gore will kick your ass!" Issei the Green Ranger yelled.
"My Guitar of Migraine will split you ears!" Tom Dyron the Blue Ranger continued.
"My all-powerful ATField and Lesbian Seduction Ray will do more than all the men here combined!" Lisa Foster the Yellow Ranger added.
"My overpowering DJ Croft-like ripped-off abilities will get you!" Ichiro Tanaka the Pink Ranger ranted. He had no real weapon, but held a rose to reinforce the pink point.
"And I'll use my Big-Ass Gun and all powerful ATField to seduce Kaworu!" Sublime the Black Ranger finished.
"May our Aura of Smooth protect us!" The five battle-cried as they posed mightily.
"Now go, my Self-Insert Rangers!" Annogelion cried. "And don't forget to play your background music!"
(Background music - Mighty Morphing Power Rangers original opening theme)
'Go, Self-Insert Rangers!'
'Go, Self-Insert Rangers!'
'You stupid, fucking, pathetic excuse for morons!'
(End music)
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FLASH!
The gang of four appeared in yet another of Misato's parallel world apartments.
"Oh no..." Misato gasped as she saw the near-exact rip-off of Eva: R's site.
"Go fig." Asuka stated, looking at the same thing.
"The writer will have to apologize to Anthony Dantuono..." Rei began.
"Because THIS is the worst story I've ever seen." Shinji finished. There was no need to look at the sign that blared 'NGE: Resurrection - Version 2.' Anyone who arrived there and had seen Eva: R's site would know it was a blatant attempt to rip-off the much-praised fic.
"And the worst part," Misato said as her need for beer increased, "Is that it's just a rehash of the first series."
"Really?"
"Yep. Got the scripts to prove it. Check it out."
The four sat down cross-legged and began to pour over the two drafts.
"Oh my God! He even used the same scenes and lines!" Asuka exclaimed.
"And what he didn't re-use, he ripped of from the original series!" Shinji exclaimed as well.
"I mean, if it's a revision, fine. But to claim it's different... well, that's just stupid." Rei added.
They all suddenly glared in the direction of the writer.
"When you redo the first three chapters of 'Dead Children;' don't follow this idiot's path!' Misato ordered.
However, that was interrupted as the Self-Insert Rangers appeared on the scene. The five morons immediately took up position around them.
"Sinji!" The Green SI Ranger screamed, grabbing his pistol and sword and posing in an effeminate manner.
"I'm in the house!" The Blue SI Ranger yelled as he wailed on his guitar to impress everybody. Needless to say, it didn't work.
"Oh, Asuka!" The Yellow SI Ranger said as she batted her eyes in a seductive manner.
"Asuka, as well as Rei, My own ACC women, and PenPen are mine." The Pink SI Ranger noted, trying to strike a very DJ-like pose.
"Where's Kaworu?" The Black SI Ranger asked as she twirled her gun in the air and dropped it. It blew off a sizable chunk of her foot.
"May our Aura of Smooth protect us!!" They all screamed in unison.
"Uhhh..." Shinji and Rei managed to get out.
"What's with these morons?" Asuka asked.
"Hmmm... Seems like they want to fight." Misato began, then started to rattle off a few orders.
"Okay, the way I see it, three of them have ATFields; however, the gay little kid isn't going to use it. He has that power-sword thing, though, so I think Asuka should take him."
"Why should I?"
"Because he's after Shinji?" She suggested.
"Grrr."
"Rei, you take the Yellow and Black Rangers. The Yellow Ranger will try to hit on you, while the Black Ranger will pester you with questions on Kaworu."
"Yes, Major."
"Shinji, take out the idiot with a guitar. Use your cello. It's in the corner by the fridge."
"You want me to challenge him to a music contest?"
"No, I want you to smack him with it while he tries to impress us."
"Oh."
"I'll take the Pink one, as he seems to have the strongest 'Aura of Smooth.' I won't be affected since I'm not 14, and he's not DJ Croft." She peered over her shoulder at the Rangers, who were still posing.
"Ready?" She asks.
They all nod.
"Then go!!"
In one, swift movement, the four leaped at their opponents. Asuka was the first to reach hers, and she immediately pulled out her carefully hidden German Luger.
"You'll get Shinji over my dead body!" She screamed.
"I'm gonna kick your ass!" He retorted. "Cause I'm 1000 times more smarter than you!"
"Shyeah right!" Asuka came at him, her gun blazing away. The Green Ranger, despite his being '1000 times more smarter' than Asuka, forgot to use his 'Gun of Gore' and pointed his sword at Asuka. And since swords don't fire, he caught all of the bullets. This wouldn't have been much of a problem, had his 'Rage Against the Machineshirt' been bulletproof. But it wasn't, and he choked to death on his own blood.
"Feel the power of a German-made weapon." Asuka sneered as she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at the screen.
Rei, on the other hand, wasn't doing as good as Asuka. She narrowly dodged another lesbian beam and erected her ATField to prevent the Black Ranger's bullets from hitting her.
"I see you wield your ATField as magnificent as I!" The Yellow Ranger yelled in your typical villain-gloating dialogue.
"She wields it more like me!" The Black Ranger protested after firing a few more rounds at our blue-haired heroine.
"What!?" The Yellow Ranger screamed as she focused her 'Aura of Smooth' into another lesbian beam.
"I said you suck cock, you little whore!" The Black Ranger returned.
"Well, I never-" The Yellow Ranger huffed.
"Never known the benefits of Kaworu's sweet loving, you cheap hooker."
"YOU BITCH!" The Yellow Ranger screamed in rage, turning her attention fully onto the Black Ranger. This, however, caused the lesbian beam she was charging up to circle around and hit the Black Ranger square in the stomach.
The Yellow Ranger went 'eek!' as the Black Ranger stood up and glared at her.
"You-" The Black Ranger said.
"I love you!!" She screamed and glomped onto the Yellow Ranger. The Yellow Ranger, showing about as much restraint as your typical fanboy at a strip bar, readily accepted her advances.
"Sigh..." Rei sighed as she picked up the Black Ranger's dropped gun. "Not even Sublime deserves that."
Two shots echoed throughout Misato's apartment. Normally, this wouldn't happen, as the apartment was small, but the poor writing of 'Resurrection' warped not only the minds of others, but the dimensions of the room.
Rei put a hand on her hip and blew the smoke from the gun.
"I guess everybody has to die sometime..." She said, then looked towards the screen.
"Yeah!" The Blue Ranger sang, or rather tried to, as he strummed his guitar. Currently, he was backing Shinji into the kitchen. Shinji was clutching his ears in pain.
"What are you going to do!" He kept on going, his fingers and voice hitting every sour note known to mankind. Several shot glasses exploded in the background.
"You can't take it..." He sang as his voice rose.
"CAN YOU!!" He screamed, then wailed the guitar, putting in an extra whammy for effect.
"GAAAAAAAAHHH!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" Shinji screamed. He reached behind him and pulled out the cello that was sitting near the fridge.
"BACH BEATER!!" He screamed, lifting the cello by the neck and raising it over his head. He brought it down on the Blue Ranger repeatedly, smashing his head, hands and guitar.
"Followed by..." He discarded the now-broken cello and retrieved its bow. Grabbing a few knives from the counter, he drew back the horsehair strings.
"BEETHOVEN'S BOW!!" The knives flew out and struck several points that are vital for music making on the Blue Ranger's body. Shinji then started to glow white, and raised his fists before him.
"Special finishing move!" he yelled.
"AND THE BEAT GOES ON!!!" Having screamed the name of his attack, he launched himself into a perfect 13-hit combo. The Blue Ranger collapsed into a pile of flesh and bone.
"Nothing can withstand the power of my Music Soul." Shinji quoted as he cracked his knuckles and looked at the screen.
"Mweheheheheh..." The Pink Ranger laughed. "I'm the SI of this fic, so there's no way you can kill me..." He said, about to go off on some dumb tangent.
Misato loaded a new clip into her writer-killing gun and blew his head off.
"Hmph! I thought you'd be more of a challenge." She smirked, and looked towards the screen.
Then, all four looked at each other's poses, and pumped their fists in the air.
"KING OF EVA 2015!!!" They screamed.
"Shinji! I didn't know you could fight like that!" Misato exclaimed as she smiled proudly.
Shinji put a hand behind his head in an embarrassed manner. "Well, Asuka's been teaching me some stuff..."
"Yeah! He's my best student!" Asuka smiled happily and hooked an arm around his shoulder.
"He's your only student." Rei noted. "Everyone else fears you too much to get near you."
"Aw, shuttup, Wondergirl. You're just pissed because I got Shinji and all you got was emotion."
"..."
"Hey now! Cut it out you two." Misato intervened. "Rei's gotten some of Shinji, too, you know. And once we find Gendo, you guys can have another three-way."
Shinji shook his head silently as his sex life was planned out for him.
"But... I can't do it anymore!!" Rei screamed in sadness.
"Huh?" Asuka and Misato 'huh'ed.
"I'm... I'm Shinji's sister!!" The blue-haired girl yelled before breaking into tears. She went over to Shinji and cried into his school uniform. But before any explanations or consolations could begin, the plot (as it is) moved on.
"Ah...." A deep, dark voice sighed in relief. "So nice... to hear... the depression in her voice..."
Shinji turned immediately to the sound of the voice, recognizing it before anyone else.
"YOU!!" He cried.
Misato's parallel world apartment shifted, then disappeared entirely. The entire world seemed to shift into plug-space, and Dark Annogelion appeared before them.
(To refresh your memory, Annogelion is just Kubo in an Eva-01 costume. Of course, since this is Dark Annogelion, add a cape and the requisite 'chick-that-humps-evil's-leg.' In this case, it's Yuitsuko.)
"Gufufufu... The time for darkness is at hand..." He gestured towards a giant black dot on the edge of plug-space.
"I will turn this world into darkness..." The black dot suddenly grew and swallowed them all.
"And remake the world in depression..." The darkness faded to reveal boredom, poorly constructed works, and the smell of manure.
"No..." Shinji gasped. "It's... Pennsylvania..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shinji, Rei, and Asuka screamed.
"It's Pennsylvania?" Misato asked. "I thought it was 'Saga of the Sixth Child.'"
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To be continued...
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Next up: Dark Annogelion trashes Pennsylvania; An ACC tries to be god-like; the author reveals how pointless self-insertion is; and Shinji must make a choice.
It's all next on: 'Fourth Impact Finale? Nah... It's MORU MAYHEM!!!'
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Author's notes and other stuff - Heh. When this is released, I will be the most hated man in fanfiction. I've lost track of the number of fics I've insulted this past chapter...
No I haven't. As a matter of fact, the number's kinda small. I'll have to work on that... But here are the ones where characters are mentioned and the convenient loophole I have found to keep me from suffering any extreme wrath: (Extreme Wrath!! Coming to a sports store near you!!)
Anthony Draven - In one of his fics, Anthony Duntaono said that anyone can use his character Anthony Draven, or something to that effect. I guess he thought Draven was cool or something. *snicker* So I will use this as given permission. Should he try to rescind, I enact the cameo rule. As for Duntaono himself, writers are fair game. Draven is from 'The Saga Continues.'
DJ Croft - One of Eva fanfictions most recognizable 'perfect boys.' (I can't get by the second chapter because I hate his attitude) I enact the cameo rule here. To my understanding, the cameo rule states that any character can be used so long as the role is not central or imperative. Parodies are exempt from this for the most part because, well, they're supposed to poke fun at everything. But I like to keep my bases covered. DJ is from 'Neon Exodus Evangelion.' It's writing is pretty good, but I still can't stand that boy.
Moru - Hails from 'Dead Children,' my own work. Avoid reading until I do a rewrite.
Issei Mataloun - The star of 'Hellstorm,' the work with the worst spelling, ever. Written by Issei Mataloun. He said a similar thing about anyone being able to use his character in one of his fics, so I'll use that. If not, cameo rule again.
Tom Dyron - 'NGE: Delta Force' or some drivel. Don't remember the author; don't care to. Cameo rule here.
Lisa Foster - 'The Fate of the Children.' Or a female version to 'Hellstorm.' Sigh. Another direct self-insert masterpiece of shit. Cameo again.
Ichiro Tanaka - SI of the horrendously evil 'NGE: Resurrection.' I shouldn't even have to invoke the cameo rule; the guy needed to die.
Sublime - From 'Neon Armageddon Evangelion.' Oh, god... the memories... c-cameo... rule.... Must... m-move on...
The Self-Insert Rangers are an original creation of mine, as far as I know. Actually, I just thought it was funny.
As to why I callously killed so many SI's, well, the Eva characters can't fight back against crappy writing. So I gave them the chance, dammit! What if you were written badly and couldn't do a thing about it? (Hint: We call it fate.) Now, while 'Cruel Lina's Thesis' may have gotten to SI/ACC slughter before I, I had the full intention of killing half these f****** the moment I learned how sucky they were. I have been waiting a long time for a few of these, too. But, I hope to not come into conflict with these guys as I really like CLT.
And yes, I have no excuse aside from the cameo rules. I know I'm pathetic.
Now for the good cameos:
Teri-chan - One of Eva fanfictions most used (for cameos) ACCs; Teri-chan is the original creation of Axel Terizaki and resides in the wonderful WAFF 'The Child of Love.' Axel gave me his permission to use Teri-chan; but the credit for that part goes to Alain Gravel for writing it. The works of Axel and Alain are definite recommended reading material.
Yuitsuko - Shinji Ikari the 10 o'clock Assassin's Yui in Ritsuko attire. 10 o'clock rules, as he e-mailed and asked me if I was going to use her again. I said I could work it out, and here she is. Also, he does some pretty damn good Video Game/Eva crossovers. So go read them, too.
Other credits go to:
Alain Gravel - for writing 'The Child of Love' scene, as well as adding the DJ Croft part. Alain would like to add that he likes NXE; he just doesn't consider it an Eva fic.
Sterry - for letting me use the 'Saga of Draven.' It fit perfectly.
10 o'clock - For letting me use Yuitsuko.
Axel Terizaki - For letting me use Teri-chan.
A thanks goes out to all of you.
And now an apology: I'd like to apologize to that guy whose letter I printed last chapter. Turns out he was being sarcastic. I couldn't tell. So if you write me a sarcastic letter, please say you are being sarcastic.
And lastly, this one goes out to A1-I-Bus. Sadly, the Bus stopped writing fanfiction. A while ago, I asked him if I should parodize other fics, and he said to go for it. So I did. Thanks, Bus, and this one's for you.
Pre-readers:
Alain Gravel - Author of 'The One I Love Is...'
A1-I-Bus - Author of 'Imagine Normality'
Axel Terizaki - Author of 'The Child of Love' and numerous other works.
FASDAR - Pre-reader Extraordinaire
Sterry - Author of 'The Saga of Drivel' and 'The Saga of Draven.'
Luminazuma - Lum's god o' lightning
Kodachi Kuno - Pre-reader Extraordinaire
Nathan Martin - Author of 'Step Beyond the Abyss'
Greg Thomas - Webmaster of the 'Everything Anime' website.
Shadow's Madness - Author of 'Sins of the Past'
The Sandman - Works soon to be released!
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geocities.com/tokyo/Lights) (
geocities.com/tokyo)