Why Ash Sucks: by Calida Chisato

A rant/informative little thingy. These views on Ash are strictly my opinion and right to freedom of speech, and were not meant to offend anyone, except Ash of course. They are only for your enjoyment/enlightenment and my sanity!

Introduction

Ash Ketchum. Where do I begin? He's a ten-year old supposed 'Pokemon trainer' who likes to pick fights and would rather have his Pokemon die then like, admit defeat. Except for Pikachu, of course, his gay lover.

And then there's Misty, who occasionally tries to be nice to him (when she's not trying to kill him!). Okay, so she needs to lose the mucho-weirdo ponytail, but she's not really that bad, not like ASH anyway.

I WOULD actually feel sorry for his Pikachu. Except, it gets so much mother freakin screen time that it's practically the entire plot!! And what's with that whole 'Team Rocket.. wanting to steal Pikachu because it's special' crap anyway?! YES. It's CUTE. But it's also just another lame electric rat that gets to sit on screen and waste time! 'Pik-pika-pikachu' my @$$!! All I know is that my Vulpix has kicked his yellow butt numerous times, but yet, Team Rocket doesn't seem to want to take HIM. Hmm... conspiracy? Perhaps.

*Update: Well, I've gotten numerous flames from Pikachu lovers, complaining that I dis Pikachu in the process of bashing Ash, and it's not 'fair'. Well, here's what I have to say to them. 1.. you have too much time on your hands. Yes, I am aware that I ALSO have too much time on MY hands, but that's not the point. 2.. just what IS so great about Pikachu, anyway? That he's cute?? Well, yeah, he is.. but aren't there OTHER cute Pokemon for you to worship? Pokemon that actually DO useful things and are under appreciated. Sorry, but to me personally, Vulpix is a lot cuter. 3.. this page was NOT meant to be a Pikachu bashing page, and never will be. But if I dissed Ash and left his gay lover out, then that wouldn't be fair, now would it?? 4.. I am a FIRE Pokemon trainer. To me, he's just another boring electric Pokemon. So sue me.

Anyway, moving on to other things. Like when the narrator says 'Ash.. with his newly caught whatever'. HELLO?!?!? When has he actually CAUGHT a decent Pokemon, anyway?! Not like Misty and Brock who actually have to CATCH most of their own, the poor souls, and Ash is supposed to be the hero? As far as I'm concerned, that's a crock of $&@*. Woop-de-doo.. Ash catches a Caterpie. That's the highlight of my life. (NOT!!!)

Okay, by now you know where I stand on Ash Ketchup. Ash fans are probably planning to flame me right about now.. but I WARNED you, didn't I? As much as I hate to admit it, I think that I'm right about this issue. Perhaps you still don't believe me that Ash is a moron?

Some Valid Examples of Ash Being a Moron

From episode: "Showdown at Pewter City"

How Ash is being a moron: In this episode, Ash is battling Brock for the Boulder Badge. Pikachu is getting his @$$ kicked by Onix (naturally), and Ash simply refuses to let his precious pride go and admit defeat. So how DOES Pikachu survive? Brock tells Onix to stop. Yet another fine example of why Brock rules, and Ash drools.

From episode: "Pokemon Emergency" (I think)

How Ash is being a moron: Here, Ash is being his usual incredibly conciderate of other people self. *ha, that's funny* (notice, I say PEOPLE, not Pokemon.. he practically has affairs with all of his Pokemon) He ruins Misty's bike in a hurry to get his gay lover (aka Pikachu) to the Pokemon Center. What a jerk! And then he refuses to replace it. Well, he doesn't actually REFUSE, he just puts it off and I think he never actually does give her a new one.. how rude. Especially considering that the *only reason Misty goes along with Ash anyway is so she can get a new bike*. Well, WE all know that it's also because she has a crush on him, but that's what the show says.

From episode: "(the first episode.. can't remember the title)"

How Ash is being a moron: The plain and simple fact that he this lovesick face is directed at his PIKACHU is what make it so pathetic. And, yes, he does this whole 'stare longingly at Pikachu' thing regularly.

Pics Showing How Bad Ash Lets His Poor Poke Get Beaten Up

Some *pathetically funny* Pics of Ash Looking Like a Freak

Ash... 'Catching' His Different Pokemon

PIKACHU

This is Pikachu, an electric rat... Ash's first (and obvious favorite) Pokemon. So just how did Ash manage to catch this lovely specimin, you ask? Answer: he didn't. Professor Oak gave it to him. How pathetic.

At first, Pikachu didn't obey a word Ash said. Rock on, Pikachu.

Until Ash 'saved his life' (actually PIKACHU did most of the work, Ash just kinda stood there) and they became gay lovers. Don't I wish they had stayed enemies... >:(

CATERPIE / METAPOD/ BUTTERFREE

This is Ash catching his second Pokemon, a Caterpie. Oh...my...god... he's oosing with so much talent!!!! Just to let you guys know, I caught an Onix with the same type of Pokeball that Ash used to catch this sad little bug.

Don't you just love the gay little dance he does afterwards? "Praise the heavens.. I actually CAUGHT one my own Pokemon!!" Misty, we feel your pain.

PIDGEOTTO

A scene from when Ash is catching his third Pokemon, a Pidgeotto. Yet again, I'm so overcome with jealousy I simply can't contain myself. He's just my hero... *gag me*

BULBASAUR

And now for the actually DECENT Pokemon that Ash uses. First, we'll talk about Ash's fourth Pokemon.. Bulbasaur. Naturally, it was given to him. (Like Ash could actually CATCH a Bulbasaur?! I think not!) I think that Melanie felt sorry for this poor little boy after watching him face Team Rocket with a puny Pidgeotto, and decided to make his day.

CHARMANDER

Ash's fifth, Charmander. Okay, WHY IN HELL did it actually want to go with Ash instead of it's so called 'abusive trainer'? As far as I'm concerned, Ash is an abusive trainer. For examples go back to the pics of him letting his Pokemon get beaten up really bad. Poor mislead Charmander. Don't worry, we still love you. By the way, in case you haven't figured out already, Ash didn't catch this guy either.

SQUIRTLE

Oh, isn't this a touching scene. God. Anyway, this is Squirtle, Ash's sixth Pokemon. It's another confused Pokemon that actually gave up his freedom to go with this sick human being. And YET AGAIN.. Ash doesn't catch his Pokemon,. he just gets it. Now let's move on to Ash and his badges...

Ash and His 'Earned' Badges

Perhaps you'd like a pathetic look at how Ash got really gets most of his badges? Here is a list of all the badges he has. E = he earned the badge the normal way, the way everyone ELSE on Earth has to, by winning the battle. O = he got it some other way, like out of pity, or making the gym leader feel guilty or by cheating.

O = Boulder Badge
Ash gets the badge when he is losing to Brock with Pikachu, and a water leak sprays at Onix. Can you say cheater?!?

O = Cascade Badge
Ash gets this badge when he is losing to Misty with Butterfree and Pidgeotto, and Team Rocket decides to come in and reek havoc. Pikachu saves everyone, so the sisters give Ash the badge. Does this make sense to anyone?

E = Thunder Badge
Well he one this fair and square. But it was all Brock's idea how! CHEAP! CHEAP! And what the heck? How can Agility beat a Raichu??

O = Rainbow Badge
Ash gets the badge after losing to Erika by rescuing Gloom from a fire in the gym. He does that a lot, that whole 'rescue = guilt' thing. It's pretty pitiful, the lengths he'll go to get those badges.

E = Soul Badge
Wow. Ash actually earned his own badge. ONCE.

O = Marsh Badge
Ash gets this badge, with much deliberation, after losing MULTIPLE times to Sabrina, by tricking her and Kadabra into laughing themselves into defeat. Um.. yeah. What a sucky ending to a good 3 part 'saga' on the psychic Pokemon.

My area doesn't get the new episodes, but on a trip I got to see the episode where Ash "earns" the....

O = Earth Badge
How totally unfair! Gary has to pit his pokemon against Giovanni and the incredible Mewtwo, and Ash, our Hero (Zero) only has to deal with Team Rocket, who have great fashion sense, but no skill. C'mon, he's been beating these losers since he started, while poor Gary gets whipped by a superior trainer and an awesome pokemon. Even though Ash actually had to fight for this badge, I'm counting it under "other" because of total unfairness.

Total: Other- 5. Normal- 2. How pathetic.
You have to wonder when the Pokemon League will get its act together and start regulating these fights...you know, that pesky rule where you actually have to WIN by some FAIR standard to get a badge?

Ten Things to Hate About Ash

If you could pick *only* ^_^ ten of Ash's suckiest attributes, these ten would be it!!

1.) His whole, entire, minus-0 personality!!
2.) The gay factor (including things he's said, done, and his *eternal love affair* with Pikachu (ugh)
3.) The hair, the hat (He looks like Super Mario on crack)
4.) The fact that he's the main character!!
5.) Both those stupid flipping hat back/peace sign giving sequences he always has for throwing a Pokeball, etc.
6.) The voice (how annoying!!)
Click to hear Ash's annoying voice and a bunch of other stuff in the background (including a surprise appearance from his gay lover, Pikachu)
7.) The fact that he obviously has a thing for Misty *eww* (and the fact that she seems to enjoy it!!!)
8.) His over inflated ego and his serious pride problem
Click to hear Misty and Brock commenting on Ash's ego!
9.) The way he cheats to get his badges and never catches his own Pokemon
Ash super charging Pikachu
10.) The way that he acts like he cares more about his Pokemon than his own friends (i.e. Misty? Brock? Ever heard of them, Ash?!) and any other human beings (ie. all the trainers he cons to get his badges!!). And then after that, he practically lets them die in battle. Does he really care about anyone but himself? We think not.
Ash with his Pokemon

Ash is a major freak. I hope you realise that by now. If you don't, I think you need to take a trip back to The One and Only Anti-Ash Page!