Ole and Lars worked on a railroad crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the crew about an hour early. "Ole, whattdaya say we take off a little early tew... yust like da foreman does." So they decided if the foreman could do it, they would too.

Ole figured getting home an hour early would give him a chance to fool around with Lena. When Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house until the foreman left.

Right away the next morning at work, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"

One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I yust don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life yust ain't going dat vell."

The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing."

So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole."

The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?"

Ole says, "Yes."

The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?"

Ole replies, "Well, how in da heck vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!"

Ole met an old school friend. His friend said, "Ole, what have you been doing all these years?"

Ole replied, "Vell for one ting, I married Lena. She isn't much to look at, but I love her very much."

His friend said, "Do you have any children?"

Ole replied, "No, ve have decided to vait until later in life, but we have purchased a little monkey, and he has become like one of the family. He even sits at the table with us at meal time."

His friend said, "That's disgusting."

And Ole said, "Not only that, but he sleeps between us at night."

His friend replied, "That's the awfulest thing I've ever heard, what about the smell."

Ole said, "Vell, he had to get used to it, yust like I did."

Ole to a doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."

Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. What are you so worried about?"

Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."

One cold fall day Ole and Lena were out for their customary drive in the country. Suddenly Lena cried out, "Ole, stop da car deres a dead skunk by da side of da road!

"So vat," Ole said.

"But Ole, der's a bunch of baby skunks standing aroun her and dey look so cold."

So Ole stopped the car and Lena got out and gathered the baby skunks in her apron. After a while Lena noticed that the little skunks were still shivering. She said,"Ole, the poor skunks are still cold, vat shoul I do?"

"Vell, vy don't you hike up your skirt and put dem down der ver it's varm?"

"Ya Ole, but vat about da smell?"

"Oh, de vill get use to it."

"It's yust too hot to wear clothes today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the lawn like dis?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

Well, Ole wakes up one morning and remembers that it is Lena's birthday. Now Ole and Lena have been married for over fifty years so Ole goes shopping and tries to find a gift for her. He can not think of a single thing she needs.

Upon passing a lingerie store, Ole realizes that Lena has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy Lena something sexy to make her feel good and young. Ole goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Ole takes the gift and excitedly returns home to Lena knowing that he has been a fine husband.

Ole finds Lena in the kitchen and tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. Lena thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.

She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Ole and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.

Lena calls out, "Ole, come out to the hallway and look."

Ole walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "I'm sorry Lena, all that money and they didn't even iron it!"

Ole and Sven were out fishing in the boat when Ole felt a tug on his line. When he reeled in his catch he discovered it was only an old lamp. While Ole was rubbing it dry there was a sudden "puff" and a genie appeared out of the lamp. "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp," said the genie. "To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish."

After thinking for a few minutes Ole finally told the genie that his wish is for all of the water in the lake to turn into beer. At Ole's request the genie raised his hands and "puff", the lake turned to beer.

"Dat vas perty stupit!" said Sven.

"Vy vas dat so stupit?" asked Ole.

"Because," Sven replied. "Now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat."

About half way to their honeymoon, Ole pulls his car off the highway and into a rest area. He gives his new bride, Lena, a little peck on the cheek while he starts to rub her knee.

"Oh, Ole!" purred Lena. "Now that we are married you can go all the way!"

So, Ole started up the car and finished the drive to the honeymoon.

Lena wasn't feeling very well the other day. So, Ole sent her to the doctor. When she got home, Ole was quick to ask her, "And so, Lena, what did the doctor say?"

"The doctor says I have acute angina, " replied Lena.

"Did you tell him your tooters aren't so bad either?" Ole added.

Lena accompanied her hard-of-hearing husband, Ole, on his annual Physical Exam. When the nurse said, "I want to check your blood pressure," Ole said, "What?" And Lena shouted, "She wants to check your blood pressure!"

Then the nurse said, "I want to draw some blood, " and Ole said, "Huh?" And Lena shouted, "She wants to draw some blood!"

Then the nurse said, "I want a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample, " and Ole said, "What?" And Lena yelled, "She wants your shorts!"

Ole had joined the Army. During camouflage training, Ole, disguised as a tree trunk, had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir, "Ole answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it."

One morning Little Ole ran inside and said, "Daddy!, Mommy and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new hay!"

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

Ole has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I tink that's really amazing vhat you can do. Try dis one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

Ole's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now tell me how old am I?"

Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven.

Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"

Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"

"Well, "Ole said, "I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in the act. I searched the whole house, but there was no one there. I felt so bad about the whole thing that I had a massive heart attack."

"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you would've checked the freezer we would both be alive!"

Ole and Lena were an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by Ole's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake Lena up and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.

Ole told her that he couldn't help it.

Lena begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but Ole wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

Lena told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, one day he was going to, "Fart his guts out."

The years went by and Lena continued to suffer, and Ole continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, Lena went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy, and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husbands problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While Ole was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers, and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers, and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Ole awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

Lena could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About 20 minutes later, Ole came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.

Lena bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

Ole said, "Honey, you were right, all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Lena.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Little Ole was praying at night and he says, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, Grampa, and good-bye Uncle Sven."

The next day Uncle Sven died tragically by getting hit by a Mac truck.

The next night at prayertime, Little Ole says, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and good-bye Grampa."

The next day Grampa was playing golf, was hit by lightning, and he died.

The next night Ole and Lena were getting real worried. At prayertime, Little Ole says, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

Well, the next day at work Ole was especially careful and all went well. But when he got home, he found Lena sobbing.

Ole asked, "Honey, what's wrong?"

Lena said, "The mailman is lying dead on the back porch!"

Ole and Lena get married, and Lena puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, Ole tries to figure out what's in there, but Lena always changes the subject, and avoids the issue.

Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Ole says to Lena, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!”

Lena takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there are two ears of corn and $25,000.

Ole says, "What's with the two ears of corn?"

Lena says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk."

Ole figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what about the $25,000?"

Lena says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

Lena's 50th birthday is approaching and Ole wants to please her. "I'll get you any ting ya want fer yer birtday, Lena"

"Oh Ole, really? I've always wanted a milk bath."

"Ah what?"

"You know, to take a bath in milk"

Ole shakes his head, wondering where wimmin get dese notions, but agrees. He goes to see his friend Sven, the dairy farmer.

"Sven, I need a whole shitload of milk."

"What fer?"

"Lena wants fill da battub up widdit and sit in it."

Sven thinks for a moment and asks, "Pasturized?"

"No, up to 'er tits will do."

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Ole started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom.

To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Ole asked.

"Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's vhy, " answered Lena.

"Vat you talking about, " said Ole as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress...hello Lars...five dress...”

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.

"Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked.

"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know, " replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes --- but only three times, " she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?" questioneed Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole.

"The third time was... " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

Ole tells Lena that he is eligible for social security.

Lena says " Ole, you aren't old enough for social security!"

Ole says, "You just watch me, I'll go down and come back with my first check today!" Ole leaves, and later comes back home.

"Lena!, I have my check! I told you I was eligible!"

"Ole!,How'd you do that?"

"Well, I unbuttoned my shirt and showed them my gray chest hairs, and they said I looked old enough for them, and they gave me a check."

Lena, "You should have unzipped your pants, maybe they would have given you disability too!"

Lena could never get Ole to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more-- he would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated Lena quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Ole, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Ole snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, Lena said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When Ole got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, Lena called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When Ole got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

Lena smiled, "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"