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Let's pretend I put a disclaimer here, ok?
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Serena, Amy, and Raye were walking down the street.
"There is a lot of walking in this fanfic," Serena remarked.
"Sure is," Lita said as she joined them. "Hey, I thought we killed you," Amy said.
"It's just yet another plot hole so big you could drive a truck through it. Just smile and nod," Lita said.
The Author suddenly remembered that in Part 2, Serena and Darien broke up, so she made Serena start crying.
"WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Darien broke up with me! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Now I have no one to call muffin! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I hate this dress I'm wearing!" Serena wailed.
"Speaking of last episode," Raye said, wisely interrupting Serena's sobs, "What was the Author on when she wrote it? I mean, that was insane."
"IT WAS ROOT BEER. LOTS AND LOTS OF ROOT BEER," the Author replied. None of the other people on the street seemed to notice or care about the Thunderous Voice From Above. "HEY, BY THE WAY, WHERE'S MINA? I WAS GOING TO GIVE HER ONE OF HER RARE FEW LINES."
"Yeah, where is she?" Amy asked.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a faraway, dark, rundown, evil place, a place where only sick, twisted people would go, a place known as Webster's Sony Theater (:P), Mina sat talking to some mysterious strangers hidden in the shadows.
"Won't you let me see your faces?" the young blond asked.
"No. That violates rule number 5401 in the Guide to Writing SM Fanfics: All villains must be hidden in shadows until their identity is revealed to all other characters, even if it becomes painfully obvious to the reader who the villains are," a voice said.
"Well, we're breaking rules already. After all, rule 1027 is No hero or heroine in a fanfic shall associate with a villain unless they are brainwashed or fall in love with them, and _that's_ never gonna happen," Mina said, looking disdainfully at the shadowy figures.
"Speaking of that, why _are_ you associating with us?" Really-Evil-And-Shadowy-Figure #1 asked.
"Because I want to be noticed! No one ever pays attention to me in these fanfics. I'm just the extra, expendable character. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm going to be noticed, even if I have to become an evil queen to do it! So, will you let me?"
The shadowy figures looked at each other and shrugged. It's not like they had a choice. Besides, they kinda liked this blond chick. "LONG LIVE QUEEN MINA!" they cried. Mina grinned.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, across town...
Elliot Ness and his men were speeding toward Al Capone's hideout!
The Author groaned. She was losing concentration. She sighed and resumed typing.
Darien was thrown out of a department store. A voice yelled after him, "We don't tolerate sick minds like yours here!" "But the dress isn't for me!" Darien yelled back, but no one heard him. He sighed and walked away, an adorable sad puppydog look on his face. The Author sighed dreamily.
"Forget it Author! He's mine!" Serena snarled. She and the other scouts marched up to Darien. The Author's fantasy fell apart, and she grumbled disappointedly.
"Darien, we need to talk," Serena snapped.
"Um, ok, what is it?" Darien asked nervously. Serena glared at him. "You know perfectly well what it is. It's about us. We have to get back together. We were destined for each other. The fate of the world rests in our hands."
Darien looked downward worriedly. "Uh, Serena?" he said. She didn't hear him and kept talking: "...don't care about your stupid visions, we're going to be a couple FOREVER. No ifs, ands, or..."
"Serena?" Darien asked, louder this time. "What is it?" she growled. "I dropped it," Darien said sheepishly.
A flock of sheep wandered by, baaing loudly. The group stared at it in confusion, then Serena sighed. "Whatever. Now, what did you drop?"
"The fate of the world. You said it rested in my hands," Darien replied. Serena looked down and sure enough, there was the fate of the world, lying cracked and broken on the floor.
"Isn't it 'Lying naked on the floor'?" Amy asked. Raye elbowed her. "Shhhh, I HATE that song," she said.
Serena gave the fate of the world a tentative kick. "Oooookkkkkkaaaaayyyy," she said, not really sure what to do.
"Hey, I have an idea!" Lita said. "What is it?" Serena asked.
"Why don't we fix it with some...Elmer's Glue! It adheres to all surfaces and dries in just minutes!" Lita frowned. "I feel so dirty."
"What the heck was that all about?" Raye asked.
"HEY, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WRITE A FANFIC WITHOUT SOME PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT? I NEED CASH!" The Author said. Serena shrugged and, taking the glue from Lita, fixed the fate of the world. The group paused to marvel at how great Elmer's glue was (available at your friendly local drug store). Serena was about to start ranting at Darien again, when an explosion and a puff of smoke startled them all.
"What was that? A mysterious villain appearing and challenging us to a battle?" Amy asked.
"Nah, just a car crash," Raye said. The five walked down the street, ignoring the flaming wreckage flying around them. Suddenly there was another explosion and puff of smoke. The heroes spun around, preparing to fight.
"Damn cigarette! I'll never buy this brand again!" a man snarled, his face charred from the exploding cigarette. The five kept walking.
There was a third explosion and puff of smoke, but by then they had gotten used to it so they ignored it. "Hey! You guys! Sailor Scouts! Yoo-hoo! There's a really-evil-person-who-used to-be-your-friend-and-now-wants-to-kill-you over here!" Queen Mina yelled. She sighed irritably. "YO, MEATBALL HEAD!" she yelled.
Serena turned around. "Oh no! Our friend...um...uh...what's her face...geez...it's on the tip of my tongue..."
"MINA! MY NAME IS MINA! AND NOW IT'S QUEEN MINA!" her Really-Really-Evilness replied. She gave an insane evil villain cackle. "Yes, _I_ am the ruler of the Negaverse now! Hahahahahahahahaha!" She wore a dress that was identical to the one that Queen Beryl wore, except it was a putrid shade of orange. "And here are my loyal generals!"
Five people appeared in a puff of smoke. Lita waved her hand in front of her face. "All right, who let that one rip?" she groaned.
"Quiet, you!" a high pitched, ditzy voice responded. She had a, uh, a very, um, well... a very top heavy figure.
"Oh just say it! I've got huge-" the woman said. She was dressed in a tiny, clingy, about to fall apart at the seams black Spandex dress.
"FEET," the Author said firmly. "VERY LARGE, UH, FEET."
The woman groaned. "I am Siliconeite," she said.
"I am Richard Simmons," said the next really evil person.
"And we are Hanson!" three truly evil young boys said.
Serena, Darien, Amy, Raye, Lita, and the Author screamed in terror. "What can we do?!" Serena wailed, completely ignoring the fact that the logical thing to do would be to transform and beat the cr*p out of these villains.
Suddenly another voice was heard. "PYROFREAK...RANDOM...LIGHTER...FIRE!" A giant lighter hovered above Richard Simmons and Hanson and burst into flame, roasting them. People all around the world cheered.
"What the..." Queen Mina began.
"I am... Sailor Pyrofreak! In the name of all the arsonists out there who like to set fire to random objects, I will punish you!" a girl said. Her fuku was identical to the one Mars wore except it had red bows and was orange wherever Mars' fuku was white. She had long dark brown hair and brown eyes. She began another attack. "I call upon the power of Zippo! [there was a ka-ching! sound as the Author counted the money the good people at Zippo had given her for this promo] Pyrofreak! Fire! Fire! Burn!" she cried. Queen Mina and Siliconeite managed to jump out of the way.
"Ha! You think you have seen the last of us! But you haven't! In fact, you're going to be seeing a great deal of us in the near future!" Queen Mina yelled. There was a loud ripping noise, and Siliconeite grabbed awkwardly at the tattered shreds of Spandex clinging to her...ample figure. Everyone sweatdropped. "I didn't mean it like _that_!" Queen Mina yelled. She and Siliconeite disappeared into a warphole.
Sailor Pyrofreak detransformed. Everyone gasped when they saw who she was, especially the Author. "TIMARIS! [remember her? My best friend?] YOU'RE A SAILOR SCOUT!" the Author gasped. Timaris just grinned.
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