Me

August 7, 1999

 
        In the middle of the sem.

        Bored. Slowing. Hating to study for prelims.

        The truth of the matter is that I have nothing to say.  I just thought that I really should update my site, especially since I messed it up after trying to update it.

        I hate this.

       My friend and I haven't had a decent talk, I'm fudging on chem, and I can't write.

        On top of that, I'm being pressured to debate.

        Not that I want to stop.  I just want to take a break.  I know that it's too much to ask for things to revolve in my own convenience, but I don't want to go and stand up in front of a podium when I don't feel like it.

       I'm in a different team, i'm no longer in the college varsity.  And everythings turned out into this political mess with the college student council.  Of course, my friends from the team gave me a "choice" when we all left to represent another organization, but hey, what are you supposed to say to that?  Where does my loyalty lie and what will I look like when I turn my back to my friends?

        Besides, I'm slowly being chewed with this insecurity on dropping from my rank as second in the college and the fact that I feel like I'm heading into this debating burnout if I don't take a breather.  I just hate being threatened into anything!  I hate it when they tell you to come to practice or else you'll be replaced.

        I mean, I love debating.  There's a certain high that come with standing in front and have all of them listen to you.  It's as if for seven minutes, nobody existed except the audience, the adjudicator, and you.  Even if you lose, everyone thinks you're so darn smart.

        And I hate being pushed into thinking that I have to do this.

        Now I feel like throwing up if I ever hear the word debate again.  All I want is to practice when I feel like it, and to write.

        I can't even open this up, because my friends are my team.  I even sit next to number one.

        I just want things to be the way they were.  Me, the Science debating team, Science B.

       The only thing constant is change...But it doesn't hurt to wish that some things would stay the same.