"Miaka White & the Not Quite Seven Seishi's"-
by Lady Starlight aka Stariko-Tasuki No Miko1

Cast of Characters

Miaka
The Suzaku Seven
Stariko
Yui
Empress Houki
Crown Prince Boushin
Tomo
Amiboshi
Suboshi
Soi

As we open our story, we find ourselves inside Hotohori's palace. Stariko is babysitting Prince Boushin.

Stariko: *sitting in a chair. She is holding Boushin as she reads to him from a book*: ......And they all lived happily ever after. The end. *She closes the book and puts it on on a table.*

Boushin: Ga Ga? Goo Goo.

CUT ME SOME SLACK. HE'S NOT EVEN 2 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!! YOU WANT HIM TO QUOTE SHAKESPEARE?!?!

Stariko *hugs Boushin*: Did you like the story?

Boushin: *coos happily. Stariko begins to tickle him as Hotohori and Houki enter.* Dada!!! *he reaches for Hotohori and Stariko hands him over.*

Stariko: I hope you two had fun.

Houki *nods and smiles.*: We did. It was nice of you to watch Boushin so we could spend some time alone together.

Stariko: No problem. Glad to do it.

Hotohori: Did he behave?

Stariko: Of course!! He was a little angel all night.

Hotohori: Naturally. He DOES take after me, you know!

Stariko *declines to bring up that Boushin is short, bald, pudgy and drools.*: Yeah, he'll be a real heartbreaker in about thirteen years.

Houki *sees the book on the table and picks it up*: What is this?

Stariko: A book of fairy tales Miaka brought from her world. I thought Boushin would enjoy hearing them. In fact, the book gave me an idea.

Hotohori: What's that?

Stariko: Well, I thought we could use that camcorder thing of Miaka's and we could act in some of the stories. Boushin might like seeing them.

Hotohori: Hmm.....it sounds like a good idea. *To his son* Would you like that?

Boushin: Gurgle! *He claps his tiny hands together.*

Stariko: I got it! I'll talk to Miaka tonight and see what I can do.

Houki: Thanks again. *Pause* What do we owe you for baby-sitting?

Stariko: Nothing. I was glad to do it.

Hotohori: Are you sure there isn't something I can do to thank you?

Stariko *EVIL grin*: Well, if you insist, could you arrange it so the next time.....*she leans over and whispers her request.*

Hotohori: *smirk*: Sure, but you DO know he'll kill you afterwards, right?

Stariko: I'll take my chances. Night! *She blows Boushin a kiss as she leaves.*

The Next Morning

Stariko and Miaka have gathered all seven Suzaku warriors and Houki into the throne room. Stariko is holding a ton of papers.

Chichiri: What's going on, no da!

Miaka: We're going to film some fairy tales for Prince Boushin and we need you guys to act in the video.

Nuriko: Oh boy, camera time!!!! *He pulls out a pocket mirror and starts primping*

Tasuki: You can't )@$&@$&@!!!!%*# make me!!!!

Stariko: Oh yes I can! I'm writing this fanfic, remember?!

Tasuki: )@&$)@&@#!@?)$&%^!!!!!!!!!

Stariko *nudges Miaka*: I think we cast him perfectly for this!

Miaka: Really!

A guard enters and addresses Hotohori.

Guard: Sire, your guests are here.

Hotohori: Show them in.

The guard leaves. Soon he returns with Yui, Tomo, Suboshi, Amiboshi and Soi. Yui is carrying a long thin box.

Tamahome *glaring at Suboshi*: What are THEY doing here??!!

Miaka: It's a big fairy tale. We need lots of people.

Stariko: Soi is doing costumes and Tomo is handling make-up.

Tomo: Kakakakaka!!

Everyone:............................

Yui *hands box to Stariko*: Nakago said you might need this since you're the director.

Stariko: Thanks. *She opens the box to reveal one of Nakago's whips!!!!!!!!* Yes!!!!!!!!!

Soi: So what story are we doing?

Miaka: 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'

Stariko starts handing out the sheets of paper she has.

Nuriko: What's this?

Miaka: Scripts. We took the liberty and cast you already.

The group reads for a second.

Soi: How come Miaka gets to to be Snow White?

Stariko: Well, there ain't nothing Snow White about you, Soi! *Soi glares at her.* Besides, it's Miaka's camcorder....

Snow White Cast

Snow White..........................Miaka
Wicked Queen......................Yui
Happy.....................................Chichiri
Bashful...................................Chiriko
Doc.........................................Mitsukake
Grumpy...................................Tasuki
Dopey......................................Tamahome
Sneezy......................................Nuriko
Sleepy......................................Stariko
Prince Charming....................Hotohori
The Magic Mirror..................Suboshi
The Huntsman.........................Amiboshi

Tamahome: Hold it!!!!!!! I should be the prince!!!

Stariko: Well, Hotohori already is royalty. *then under her breath* Besides, anyone who would fall for Miaka can't be all that swift in the head!

Tamahome: What was that last part?

Stariko *sweatdrop*: NOTHING!!!

Suboshi *points to Mitsukake*: Ain't he a little tall for a dwarf?

Chiriko goes over to Suboshi and bites him on the ankle!!

Suboshi: )$*_@$*&@_$&!! *whips out his yo-yo*

Stariko *cracks her whip*: SILENCE!!!!!!! Now get ready. We film in an hour!!

One Hour Later

Everyone is assembled in costume and makeup. Houki operates the camcorder.

Houki: And action!!!

Stariko's voice: Once upon a time in the magical land of Konan, there lived the evil Queen Yui. Yui was insanely jealous of anyone smarter or prettier than her. Her jealousy was so great, she bought a magoc mirror that she spoke to daily.

Yui: Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Who is the fairest one of all?

Mirror/Suboshi: Oh Queen Yui-chan, why do you have to ask? You are by far the most gorgeous creature in the land. Those eyes....those lips....that skin...that hair..........*he starts drooling*

Nuriko *throws a chair at him*: Baka!!! Take a cold shower!!

Stariko: CUT!!!

Miaka: Why don't we just keep filming. We can edit this later.

Stariko: Deal. *she keeps reading* Queen Yui had a beautiful step-daughter named Miaka White. She was everything Yui wasn't:...kind, loyal, sweet, loving...*Suboshi throws his yo yo at her* Finally, one day, Yui's mirror had a new message for his mistress.

Yui: Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Who is the fairest one of all?

Mirror/Suboshi *defiant*: Forget about Miaka!! She's a cow next to you!!!

*Nuriko grabs him and punts him eighty yards*

Stariko: GRRRRRR!! Amiboshi, you're my new mirror. Pick it up after Yui's question.

Amiboshi: Got it. Oh my Queen, you are fair, tis true. But Miaka is far more beautiful than you.

Stariko: Perfect!!

Amiboshi *still going strong*: Face it, Miaka has got it going on! You're a beast next to her!

Stariko: Oh Nuriko.............

Amiboshi *freaks*: EEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!! Sorry!!

Everyone:......................

Stariko: Enraged, Yui summoned her huntsman and demanded he lead her into the woods and kill her and to bring back her heart as proof of the deed.

Chiriko: Are we sure we want an infant watching this?!

Stariko *ignoring him*: So the huntsman led Miaka White out into the woods. But he was so moved by her beauty *she shoots Amiboshi a warning glance* he didn't have the heart to kill her.

Huntsman: Princess Miaka! Forgive me! Queen Yui has demanded I kill you. She's nuts!! Flee into the woods before she comes after you!!!!!!!

Miaka: Oh thank you, good sir! I shall run away into the woods. *She runs off camera and Amiboshi leaves.*

Stariko: So Miaka White fled into the woods. But alas, she was startled by some wolves............*pause*.....AHEM!!! I said she was startled by some wolves!!! * still nothing. Furious, Stariko storms over to Tasuki and kicks him in the leg!*

Tasuki: OW!!!!!!! WHAT THE $)*@_%&$@ WAS THAT FOR???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stariko: Where's my wolves????????!!!!!

Tasuki *rubbing his leg*: Can't we get Ashitare to do it?

Stariko & Nuriko: NO!!!!!!!!

Tasuki: )$&@_$&@$ Fine!!!!!!! Gimme a second!!! *Pause* Ready!

Stariko *under her breath* Thank Suzaku! *Out loud* So Miaka White fled into the woods. But alas, she was startled by some wolves.

Tasuki *off camera*: GEN JUTSUN SHUN TAROU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Instead of wolves, though, a dozen Tasuki clones appear!*

Tasuki: @)#*@$&@$!!! Have you been screwing with my papers again, Miaka?!?!

Chichiri *uses his staff to kill one of the clones and picks up the paper*: Uh Nope! This looks like Stariko's handwriting, no da!!!!!!

Everyone:................

Stariko: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

*Tamahome kills the remaining clones*

Miaka: Try again, Tasuki.

*He does and the wolves appear this time*

Stariko: Startled, Miaka ran deeper into the woods until, exhausted, she stumbled upon a tumbledown cottage. She knocked at the door and, when she got no answer, went inside. The house was a mess with dirty dishes and unwashed robes all over the floor. Sure she was alone, Miaka went to the cupboards and proceeded to eat every last scrap of food in the house.

*laughter in background*

Stariko: After she ate, she made her way upstairs where she found a room with seven beds. Wearily, she collapsed on one of the beds and was asleep almost immediately.

Soi *takes over reading*: Queen Yui's huntsman, meanwhile, killed a wolf on his way back and show's Yui it's heart as proof of Miaka's death.

Amiboshi: You know I'm really anti-violence, right?

Everyone: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soi: While Miaka slept on, the seven owners of the cottage made their way home after a long day of...............kicking Nakago's ass?!?! Grrr!!!!!! *glares but keeps reading*. As they walked, they sang a merry tune.

To The Tune of "Heigh Ho"..from the real Snow White The Seven Dwarves: No Da!! No Da!! No Da No Da No Da!!No Da No Da No Da No Da No Da No Da No Da No Da!!!!

Grumpy *whips out tessen*: Shut the )@$&@$& up!! I'm sick of that song!!!

Happy: I kind of liked it, no da!!!

Sleepy: Why don't you both shut up!! You're keeping me awake!!

Dopey: I still say I should have been the prince!!!

Grumpy: That does it!!!!!!!! REKKA SHINEN!!!!!!!!!! *he flames Dopey*

Doc: Not again!

Sneezy: Can't you kill each other later? My allergies are wrecking havoc on my face *pulls out mirror*

Bashful: Well, I'm embarassed to be seen in public with you guys!

Grumpy: Is that cuz you're supposed to be a thirteen year old boy and you look like a six year old girl?!

Bashful *bites him on the ankle*: Leave me alone!!

Sneezy: Bashful, my ass! He's a killer!

Soi: When the dwarves returned home, they were startled to see no food in the house.

Sleepy *yawns*: Whos turn was it to do the shopping?

Happy *points to Dopey*: His, no da!

Grumpy *smirk*: He's too stupid to even get that right!

Dopey *lunges for Grumpy*: I'm gonna kill you!!!!!!!!

Soi: But before there could be bloodshed, they heard a noise coming from upstairs. Afraid, they raced upstairs to see a beautiful *shudder* young woman asleep on one of the beds.

Happy: It's a girl, no da!

Grumpy: No Sh*t, Captain Obvious! We can see that!

Dopey *smacks him in the head*: Stop looking so closely at her!!!!!!!!!

Bashful *blushing*: I'm too young for this next scene. Later!!! *exits.*

Sleepy *yawns*: Well, I'm tired and she took my bed. *She lays down on the bed next to it.* I'll just sleep here tonight.

Grumpy: The F*ck you will!!!!!! That's MY bed!!!!!!!

Sleepy *kawaii-eyed*: Oh, I didn't know. What to share it?!?!"

Grumpy: Freakin' hentai!!!

Doc *looks at Miaka*: She's still asleep. I'll give her a full examination when she wakes up.

Dopey: The h*ll you will!!!!!!!!!!

Sneezy *sneezes*: Well, her cheap perfume is giving me a migrane. I'll be downstairs with Bashful. *exits*

Soi: The voices of her 'guests' startled Miaka awake. Afraid, she sat up in the bed.

Miaka: Oh, I'm sorry!! I didn't mean to intrude on your home! I ran away because my evil step-mother wants to kill me.

Dopey: Why would anyone want to kill anyone as beautiful as you??

Miaka: That's just it. She's jealous because I'm prettier than her, and more popular and nicer and............ *Off camera, Suboshi and Yui toss bricks at Miaka*

Dopey: Well, you can live here with us for as long as you like!

Grumpy: NO WAY!!!!! I hate women!!!! They're all cunning! She ain't staying! *gets smacked in the head with a brick thrown by Sleepy*

Soi: So Miaka white lived in their home for a while. Meanwhile, back at the palace.

Yui: Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Who is the fairest one of all?

Mirror/Suboshi *ignoring the sword pointed at his throat*: Oh my Queen...Goddess of Light.. The fairest in the land remains Miaka White Tis the Heart of a Wolf you now possess. Cuz my schmuck brother really made a mess

Yui (livid): WHAT??????!!!!!!!!! I'll destroy Miaka myself!!! I'll cover my looks so I look like a hag and I'll poison the beast and steal Dopey for myself *ignores the sad look Suboshi sends her*

Soi: That's exactly what Yui did. One day when the seven dwarves were out, Yui found the cottage and knocked on the door.

Yui: Avon calling!!

Nuriko & Tomo: WHERE???????

Yui *after throwing a brick at them*: Please open the door. I have free food to give away an.....

Miaka *throws door open*: FOOD?????!!!! C'mon in!!! *tears Yui'a arm out of the socket as she drags her inside*

Yui: I have an apple for a girl just like you.

Miaka: Don't you have a turkey or a pizza instead? I'm really hungry!!

Yui *smacks Miaka in the head* Baka!!! We're doing at least one part of this fairy tale right!! *Slams the apple in Miaka's mouth* Now just eat the damn thing!! *she leaves*

Soi: Miaka had barely bitten the apple when suddenly she felt faint.

Miaka: Suddenly, I feel faint *faints*.

Soi *rolling here eyes*: When the dwarves returned that night, they found Miaka dead on the floor. Doc tried to revive her, but it was too late.

Suboshi *off camera*: No big loss! *ducks as Tamahome throws his sword at him*

Happy: She looks no peaceful, no da!

Dopey: She's far to beautiful to cover with dirt. Let's build a glass coffin so we can always see her.

Everyone: *retching sounds*

Soi: So they built the glass coffin and shoved Miaka into it. Day and night, they watched over the coffin until one day..........

Prince Hotohori *rides up on his horse*: Why all this sadness?

Grumpy: Open your eyes, genius!! Can't you see she's freakin' dead?!

Prince Hotohori: No!! I've waited all my life for her! She can't be dead!

*Off camera, Nuriko, Houki and Tamahome glare at him*

Price Hotohori: Perhaps a kiss on those soft lips will restore her life.

Dopey: Perhaps not!!! Try a handshake first! *He gets bitten on the ankle by Bashful*

Doc: It probably won't work, but feel free.

Soi: So the prince opened the coffin and bent his beautiful *under her breath* Nakago is cuter.... face to hers and kissed her.

Miaka *fluttering her eyes open*: Oh Tamah......I mean Dope...I mean Prince!!! Thank you for saving me!!

Soi: He scooped her into his arms and carried her off to his palace.....where they were married that day.

Dopey: SAY WHAT?????!!!!!!

Soi *ad-libbing*: They had 47 children.

Dopey faints.

Soi: And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

*Audible sigh from the group*

Stariko: CUT!!!!!!!!!! That's a wrap!!

Tasuki: Don't you mean crap?!

Tomo: Really! Kakakaka!!!

Stariko *ignores them and gets the camcorder from Empress Houki. Thank you, Majesty.

Houki: You're welcome. It was the least we could do for you.

Stariko *grins*: Well, there is that other thing Hotohori promised.........

Houki: And that would be?

That Night and the Imperial Bath House...

Tasuki *entering the room*: Thank God that's over with!! I've been running from that freakin' hentai all day. This bath is gonna be good!

*Hooded figure enters the room*

Figure: Sorry, but the regular bath slave called out sick tonight, but I agreed to take over. All you have to do is get naked and get into the water.......................

Tasuki *recognizes Stariko's voice: Damn hentai!!!!!!!!!! *runs out in fear*

Stariko: @_*$@%&*@_&%@_%&@%

The End