* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Twenty - Alternate
* * *
"I'm afraid it's serious," said Dr. Tofu.
"Oh," said Akane. It was all she could say, really. She
still wasn't sure how she felt about it. On the other hand, she
*was* sure how Ranma felt.
"He deserves it, the pig." Ranma cracked his knuckles. "He
better hope he takes a long time to heal, `cause when he does, I'm
coming after him."
Dr. Tofu cleared his throat. "I'm afraid it's more serious
than that," he said softly. "He might not live. And if he does,
he'll never fight again."
Ranma paled slightly. "Oh," he said quietly.
"Yes," Dr. Tofu said. "Oh."
"Poor Ryoga," said Kasumi.
* * *
"Ranma, would you get Ranko?" Kasumi smiled down at Ranma.
"Huh?" He looked up. "Oh...sure, Kasumi."
Ranma knocked on their communal door. "Ranko-chan," he said,
"you might want to come out for this..." There was no answer. He
sighed. "Ranko? Sis? We're going to decide what to do with the
last wish," he said.
The door swung open. "Well, why didn't you say so?" Ranko
asked brightly, smiling at him.
Ranma's mouth fell open. "H-huh?"
Ranko grabbed him by the arm. "C'mon, Futago-kun, we
wouldn't want to miss this for the world, would we?"
Ranma peered at her, nonplussed. "Ranko?" He smiled
tentatively. "Is everything okay?"
Without stopping, Ranko gave her brother a wide-eyed look of
innocence. "Me?" she asked. "I'm more worried about YOU,
brother mine!"
Ranma missed a step. "Me?" he asked, confused.
Ranko grinned. "Yeah, YOU, mister. What with your two
fiancees."
Ranma blinked. "What's wrong with that?"
Ranko smacked him upside the head. "What do you MEAN, what's
wrong with that? Everything! That's what's wrong! Baka!
Everybody will think you're hentai!" She paused dramatically.
"Not that they don't already, but you know what I mean."
Ranma smiled, but it faded altogether too soon. "Ryoga's
already been punished for what he did far worse than anything you
could do," he said, hoping to provoke a reaction. He got one, but
not the one he expected.
"I'm not doing this for *him*!" shrieked Ranko. She curled
her hands into fists, but didn't hit him. Ranma almost wished she
had. Ranko carefully pushed a stray lock of hair from her face
with a hand, shaking slightly, then smiled brightly. Her eyes
didn't match her face.
"Why are you doing this, Futago-chan?" Ranma wished he knew
what to say. She knew he'd do anything for her. Or she *should*
have known. What had come between them?
"Doing what?" inquired Ranko sweetly, opening the door to the
common room. Ranma glowered at her, but stepped forward into the
room nevertheless. Akane looked up and smiled, patting the floor
beside her. Ranma deliberately sat next to Ukyou, who looked at
him in surprise.
Genma beamed at the pair. "Ah, there you are. Now that
everybody's here, we should get down to business."
Ranko looked at the dirty old lamp in the center of the room.
"Is that it?" she asked. "It looks pretty dingy."
Akane nodded. "Yep! We found it buried beneath a pile of
panties two feet deep," she added disgustedly. "And you don't want
to see what *they* looked like."
Ranko examined it. "It doesn't look like much."
Nabiki shook her head. "You weren't here when Happ--"
Soun quickly threw a hand over his daughter's mouth. "Don't
say the master's name!"
Ranko looked at him, puzzled. "I thought he was safely tied
up downstairs..."
Genma nodded. "He is...but you never can tell, with HIM."
Ranko gave her father a cool look that would have spoken
volumes of contempt had Genma noticed. She scanned the room.
"Where's Ryoga?"
Kasumi blinked. "Didn't Ranma tell you?"
Ranko scowled at her, a sign of just how disquieted she was.
"I sort of tuned him out after the twentieth shouted `I'm gonna
kill that bastard'. It got sorta monotonous."
Akane blinked. "You still want to see Ryoga? After...I
mean..." She blushed.
Ranko gave Akane a cold stare. "Did I say that? I asked
where he was. Don't put words in my mouth, you minx."
"Okay," said Akane.
Ranko jerked away, startled. Then her eyes narrowed.
"You're being nice. Why are you being nice? You're only nice when
something bad has happened."
"That's not fair!" said Akane.
"Are you saying that something bad *hasn't* happened?" asked
Ranko.
"Well.I guess it depends on what you mean." said Akane,
looking away.
"Ah-ha! I was right!" Ranko crossed her arms. "Spill it."
"Ryoga is...well...he's in the hospital." Akane shrugged.
Ranko frowned. "Is that it? I already knew that." Her eyes
narrowed. "There's something you're not saying."
Akane hesitated. "The doctors say he'll live - probably -
but he'll never be the same again." Akane reached towards Ranma
unconsciously. He squeezed her hand. Ranko didn't miss the
motion, and her gaze hardened as she stared at the two.
"Well, I guess you could say he got what he deserved then,
ne?" laughed Ranko.
"Yeah!" Ranma grinned and laughed, relieved to see his
sister laugh.
Ranko stopped laughing. "FINE!" she said. "Let's just get
this over with, okay?"
"Uh...sure." Akane was puzzled by Ranko's sudden mood swing,
but that (1) was normal when dealing with the female Saotome. What
bothered her was how oddly Ranma was acting.
Nabiki arched an eyebrow. "My, *you're* certainly in a
cheerful mood today," she said, probing.
Kasumi smiled. "Yes, isn't it nice?"
Ranko looked at Kasumi wryly. "Kasumi, Martians have invaded
the United States. Lee Iacocca is the Anti-Christ. Corn Flakes
cause cancer."
Kasumi smiled. "Oh, that's nice."
Ranko gave her brother a quick smile. "That's what I
thought." Ranma laughed a little uncertainly.
Akane took Ranma's hand. "It's so good to hear you laugh,"
she said softly.
Ranma blinked, then took back his hand irritably. "Geez,
Akane, you make me sound like I'm depressed all the time, like that
dumb Ry--" The words seem to stick in his throat. He coughed
uncertainly.
There was silence in the room. Soun took advantage of it to
launch into his plan. "Well," he said, "as you all know, we've
defeated the evil master, and have taken control of the genie lamp
he was going to use for world domination. Rightful possession of
it falls to us, as a group. Now, as far as we know, we've got one
wish. All we have to do is figure out what to use it for. Any
questions?"
"Yeah," said Nabiki. "How are we going to decide?"
Genma smiled. "We'd figured on a vote...whichever idea has
the most votes wins."
Ranko shrugged. "Sounds fair," she said. "Actually, it
sounds *too* fair." She gave her father a steely look. "C'mon,
pop, you don't expect us to believe that. What's the real story?"
Genma held up his hands. "I'm innocent!" he said. "I just
thought that we should decide as a group."
"Meaning that he controls a majority," said Ranma in his
sister's ear. "Or he *thinks* he does." Ranma nodded. "Fine with
me," he said loudly. Similar sounds of agreement came from around
the room.
"Good," said Soun. "Now, how about some ideas? For example,
oh, totally off the top of my head, chosen completely at random, we
could wish for Akane and Ranma to find true love together, get
married, and have two dozen healthy children to carry on the
Anything-Goes school of martial arts..."
"WHAT?!?" yelled Ukyou and Ranma.
Akane blinked in surprise, then blushed belatedly. "What?"
she asked, with slightly less force than Ranma had used.
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Forget love," she said. "Wish for
money--or better yet, power. You can always buy love."
"That's horrible!" said Ukyou.
"That's business," corrected Nabiki.
"What about happiness? Eternal bliss?" asked the
okinomiyaki chef.
"I think world peace would be a good idea," commented Kasumi.
Everybody stared at her for half a second, then shook their heads
and went back to brainstorming for a realistic wish.
"Do we even know the limitations of the wish?" asked Nabiki.
"It may not be able to solve the world's problems-at least,
not in
the way we want it to. Ever hear about the monkey's paw?"
"Don't they make soup out of that in China?" asked Ranma.
"That's pandas, I think, or maybe tigers," said Akane.
"Maybe you use panda paws in YOUR soup..." said Ranko.
"Could we please not mention panda soup?" asked Genma a
little nervously.
"Why? I'd like to make some right now," said Ukyou, smiling
at him with teeth bared.
"People! People!" shouted Nabiki. "And others! We're
getting nowhere fast. What I was trying to say, is that the wish
might pervert a wish like that. For example, if we wished for
world peace, it might kill off all life on Earth. Lots of peace,
that way. Or maybe just deprive us of free will. An end to world
hunger might cause overpopulation, or possibly just rid us of the
desire to eat, while we still die from starvation. You can make
them complex to try to avoid such 'twisted wishes', but the more
you do, the worse your chances get to screw it up. And we've only
got one chance here - no wishing to have never wished for anything
allowed."
Ranma looked thoughtful. "So we should wish for something
simple?"
Nabiki nodded. "Like a few trillion yen, say."
Ranko snorted. "Money can't buy happiness."
"A vicious lie spread by the poor." Nabiki smiled.
Ranko rolled her eyes. "I was being serious!"
Nabiki smirked. "So was I. Even if you believe money can't
buy happiness, you have to admit it gives you your choice of
miseries."
Ranko sighed. "How about you, Akane? You haven't said
anything yet."
Akane blinked. "Um...I don't know. I think I need some more
time to think about it."
Soun bent over and whispered in his daughter's ear. "Love...
think love...Ranma..."
Akane glared at him. "Aren't subliminal messages supposed to
be inaudible?"
Kasumi smiled. "How about you, Ranko? You haven't said much
yet."
Ranko gave Kasumi her brightest smile. "Gee, Kasumi, I
hadn't thought about it. I guess I'll just go with whatever
Futago-kun decides."
Ranma looked startled for half a second. "Gee," he said,
rubbing the back of his head. "I dunno. I think I'll abstain or
something."
Ranko looked at him, startled. "And risk being made to fall
in love with Akane, against your will?"
Ranma blinked. "Er..."
Ranko smiled. "Why don't you think about it? And decide on
something you.you really want?" Her voice broke.
"What?" Ranma gazed into his sister's eyes. Was she trying
to tell him something? "Like, uh, what?"
Ranko shrugged nonchalantly. "I wouldn't know. Maybe you
could wish for all your problems to be solved. That would help out
you, Akane, Ukyou."
"And you," added Ranma.
"And me," echoed Ranko softly.
"Well, sounds good to me," said Ranma. "But why not say `all
OUR problems'?"
"Well, the wish might not be able to handle it," Ranko said.
"And besides, umm, brother dear, you seem to be at the heart
of all
our problems anyhow." She grinned.
"Oh." Ranma blinked. "Well...okay, then." He grinned back.
"Well, *I* don't like it," said Ukyou. "You make me sound
like some kind of virus."
Akane resisted the urge to make the obvious connection. "I
agree with Ukyou," she said. "How do you know this wish won't make
things worse? And besides, I don't *want* to be changed by any
dumb wish."
"It's not a *dumb* wish, Akane," said Ranma.
"Because your sister made it up, Ranma?" asked Akane
peevishly.
"No!" Ranma paused. "Well..."
"Ha! I knew it!" Akane glared. "Why don't you try thinking
for yourself for a change?"
Ranma stood up. "I was just going to say that, unlike *some*
people I know, my sister is actually smart!"
"Is that right?" Akane stood up.
"Yeah!" Ranma was shouting now. He felt a tap on his
shoulder and turned to see Ranko, blushing faintly.
"Umm...bro...umm...could you and Akane do this...somewhere
else?"
"What?" Ranma looked around. Everybody was looking at him.
He coughed, turning red, and sat down meekly. Akane did the same,
but couldn't contain a scowl as Ukyou beamed at Ranma.
Soun smiled and raised his hands, taking advantage of the
moment. "All right," he said. "How many votes for money?"
"Hei," said Nabiki. "Just think how many problems we could
solve with that money...you wouldn't have to work...you could have
a really extravagant wedding for Ranma and Akane..."
"Hey!" said Ranma, Akane and Ukyou, all together this time.
Nabiki shrugged. "I gotta get my support where I can," she
said.
Soun shook his head. "Right, that's one. Any more?" Nobody
spoke up. "World peace?" Kasumi put up her hand. "One for world
peace. True love for Ranma and Akane?"
"HEY!" yelled Ukyou. "That's unfair! And biased!"
Genma smiled at her. "Well, what if we were to throw in true
love for you, too?"
Ukyou latched onto Ranma. "My true love is right here," she
said stubbornly.
Ranma turned on her acidly. He felt a hand lightly touch him
on his side, out of view. He stopped and turned back, letting
Ukyou hold onto him. Akane stared in surprise and then glared at
him, hurt. Ukyou beamed back. Ranma frowned, but decided to table
his questions for later, when he and his sister could be alone.
"Well," said Soun, "I'm sure we can work it out, right?
Maybe we could add something to the wish to split Ranma into two
people...okay, that's two--any more? Come on, Akane. You know you
want it..."
"I do NOT!" shouted Akane. Soun flinched.
Genma patted his son on the back. "Come on, Ranma m'boy,
everybody *else* is doing it..."
Ranma punched his father. "Dry up and die, old man."
"Yeah," said Ukyou angrily. "Just say no."
Soun sighed. "All right...that's two...contingent on nobody
changing their mind. Happiness?" Ukyou put up her hand. "That's
one." Soun looked around. "Anybody else? No? Good. Then True
Love wins by one vote, and--"
"Ahem," said Akane.
Soun waved his hands. "Not now, Akane."
"SOME of us haven't voted yet," she said, glaring at him.
Nabiki smiled lazily. "Well...we can't have a vote without
everybody participating. Go ahead." She yawned.
"Well...I'll vote for...uh...oh, heck, happiness." Ukyou
blinked
in surprise.
"And futago-kun and I will vote to solve Ranma's problems,"
said Ranko. She paused and turned back to him. "Right?" she asked
timidly.
"Well." Ranma put a hand behind his head as he turned back
to Akane for a split second. "Maybe I'll just think about it a
little longer," he said.
"Wh-what?" Ranko was floored. "But..."
Ranma blinked, then grinned. Here was his chance to show his
sister just how much he cared. "But if it means that much to you,
of course I'll vote for it," he said, smiling. "Heck, we could
even vote to solve all Y-"
"No!" Ranko looked vaguely horrified. Ranma shut up,
uncertain. Ranko turned away from him.
"So what *are* you going to wish for, Ranma?" asked Akane
curiously.
"I'll tell you when I decide!" said Ranma angrily. Akane
flushed and glared at him. Ranma was about to apologize, but Ranko
suddenly moaned. He flew back to her side, Akane's eyes widening
in fury. Ranma put a hand on Ranko's shoulder; she shrugged it off
and glared at him. He just couldn't figure it out. Had Ryoga...had
he done something *else* to her? He felt his face flush as his
fist clenched in anger. Behind him, he could feel Akane's gaze on
his back. He ignored her.
Ukyou stuck her tongue out at Akane and snuggled up to Ranma.
He smiled back at her, then turned to look at Akane to see if she
was watching. He smiled and hugged Ukyou close, then stopped as
Akane turned away.
He turned back to see Ukyou's face contort with anger. Ranma
grinned nervously and scuttled backwards. Ukyou raised a hand to
slap him - and stopped, and wiped her eyes instead. "You jackass,"
she whispered.
Akane turned back to the two older men, who were still trying
to convince Kasumi to change her vote.
"Then we're tied at two to two to two to one to one," said
Nabiki, smiling calmly. "As we don't have a clear majority, I
suggest we sleep on it and come back to it in the morning."
"Ah ha ha!" laughed Soun nonchalantly. "How right you are,
Nabiki!"
"Indeed!" added Genma happily. "A good night's sleep is just
what we need!"
Nabiki smiled. "Well then...I suggest we put this somewhere
for...safekeeping. Wouldn't want anybody to steal it during the
night." She looked at her father with a purposeful look.
"Ah, yes," said Soun nervously. "Good idea, Nabiki. We have
a safe right here..."
"Which you have the combination to," said Nabiki. "I think
not. On the other hand, I have a small safe which needs a key, and
I will allow it to be borrowed. For a fee, of course."
Akane snorted. "And how many copies of the key did you make?
Get real, Nabiki." She turned thoughtful. "How about a trap?"
Soun looked at her blankly. "What?"
Akane smiled. "A trap. Have the lamp in plain sight, but
anybody who tries to touch it sets off all kinds of alarms."
Ranko nodded. "Sounds good," she said. "Of course, who can
we get to make it? I mean, it's not like any of us have any
experience with that sort of thing..." Ranma opened his mouth.
She elbowed him out of the sight of the others.
Nabiki smiled. "I know a fair bit about that kind of thing,"
she admitted.
"So we're agreed?" asked Genma. Everybody nodded.
"Well...hahaha! I have to go to bed early, tonight!" said
Soun.
Genma blinked, then nodded furiously. "Oh! Right! So do
I!"
Ukyou glared daggers at him. "I'm still tired from this
morning...but I'm going to stay up and make sure nothing happens to
the lamp before tomorrow. I'll turn in with Nabiki."
Nabiki smiled lazily. "Well, I for one will be up late
making that trap as good as possible. I should be in bed by two,
though."
Ranko smiled as well. "Well, Futago-kun and I are really
beaten up from the fight...we need to rest and recuperate. Shall
we, Bro?"
Ranma smiled at her. "You bet, Sis."
Kasumi was left alone. "Oh, my," she said. "I think I'll do
the washing." She smiled and left.
(1) The puzzlement, not the mood swings. Although, come to think
of it, Ranko isn't exactly the most stable person I've met (2).
(2) But don't tell her that! I like having all my bones intact.
* * *
Genma and Soun met. "Saotome, you know what we have to do,"
said Soun. He sighed. "After Kasumi and Nabiki voted against us.
My own daughters!!" He started crying (1).
"For the good of our children, Tendo," agreed Genma, ignoring
the small lake forming at his feet. "We'll get up at four, when
nobody's awake. No simple trap can keep us from our mission. And
even if the alarm does goes off, I'll just say I was getting a
snack. It's the perfect plan."
(1) #451, My Daughters Are Turning Against Me.
* * *
Ukyou smiled to herself. "They don't know it, but I'm about
to make everybody so *very* happy...we can all have our hearts'
desires...can't they see it? They'll thank me once I'm done.
And...Ranma will thank me..." she sighed in happiness. "Dozens and
dozens of times...each time more passionately..." She snapped back
to reality. "I mustn't daydream," she admonished herself. "I have
to be up by three-thirty."
* * *
Nabiki looked at the lamp, newly-trapped. "People that
trusting *deserve* to lose their chance. I'll pretend to go to
bed, get up at three and disarm my own trap. Besides, it's easier
to get forgiveness than permission."
* * *
Akane glared around suspiciously. "They're all plotting
something--I can tell," she muttered darkly. "Do they think I'm
stupid? I'll just have to stay up and listen all night, just in
case any of them tries something funny." She sighed. "I wonder
what I should vote for..." She tossed and turned. "I wonder what
*Ranma* is voting for." She blinked in surprise. "Not that that
would change anything. I couldn't care less what that baka and his
akuma sister want. I was just curious." She swatted at her pillow
in anger and flounced back into bed. A moment later, she blushed,
looked down at the pillow, and hugged it close.
* * *
"Come on, Ranko," said Ranma. "Tell me what's going on."
Ranko smiled at him. "What's going on? Whatever do you mean,
brother? I'm very tired, and I'm in a lot of pain. I should like
to go to sleep, I think."
Ranma gnashed his teeth. Suddenly, he smiled. "Fine," he
said smoothly. "You win."
Ranko gaped at him. "I do?"
Ranma kissed her chastely on the cheek. "It's just nice to
have you back, Sis."
Ranko turned off the light, but Ranma caught a split second of
his sister's face turning crimson before everything went black.
* * *
"Oh, my," said Kasumi. "We need some more bleach. I think
I'll go to bed early and buy some tomorrow morning." She whistled
happily.
* * *
Two thirty. At a time when most of the city slept, one
individual was awake. Ranko quietly crept out of bed and snuck
downstairs, making full use of old skills that she hadn't used in
months, perhaps years.
Getting downstairs unseen and unheard was a snap for Ranko.
The lamp, on the other hand, required some thought. She admired
Nabiki's handiwork as she gazed the sight of it. Trip wires all
over the place, a locked safe, even a motion detector. She paused.
And was that...a laser beam? Where the heck was Nabiki getting all
this from?
She carefully made her way in. Some of it required thought
about how to disarm or go around a particular part; other times, a
good perspective was all that was needed - except that getting a
good perspective sometimes meant hanging from the ceiling or
creeping low under the furniture. Still other parts simply had to
be dealt with more creatively; for instance, turning off the power
to the house. Finally, after what seemed an eternity--but which
Ranko knew could only have been fifteen minutes at the most--she
reached the safe, unlocked it, and nearly blew everything when the
alarm clock inside the safe went off. She yelped in dismay and
smashed it into a thousand pieces, then grabbed the lamp and turned
to leave, hoping nobody had heard.
She snuck out of the room without hearing any footsteps from
upstairs, and sighed in relief. "Going somewhere?" came a voice
from behind her.
Ranko nearly shrieked but bit her tongue just in time. A drop
of blood made its way down her lips. She spun to find Ranma
leaning on the doorframe. "I woulda figured you coulda taken that
out in five minutes, Sis--I've been waiting here for the last ten.
What took you so long?"
Ranko stared in dismay. "How...how did you know...?"
Ranma sighed. "You *did* kinda make it obvious, Sis. At
least, to someone who knows you as well as I do. And we both
learned the same skills, you know."
Ranko grinned. "Yeah. I never thought going hungry so often
would pay off."
Ranma grinned in return. "We made a good team. Too bad it
was for stealing things. You distracted, I stole. You were always
better at distracting. And I was always better at sneaking. You
forgot that tonight, Ranko." His smile faded. "Mistakes in this
sort of thing can cost you big time." He made a slicing notion
with one finger across his neck. "But it was fun while it lasted--
like a game, really. 'Course, that could'a been 'cause Pop made us
start while we were in kindergarten. Maybe that's why we've turned
out so weird, you think?"
"I'm surprised to hear you say that, Ranma," said Ranko.
"Do you see anybody else around?" asked Ranma with a quick
grin. Then he sighed. "Maybe if we had had more money, we
wouldn't have had to move so much...and we could have made more
friends..."
Ranko smiled. It was not a wistful smile. "Yeah. That would
have been nice."
Ranma frowned at her. "Now, why are you doing all this?
What's *your* wish? Why couldn't you just vote on it? You know
I'd support you..."
Ranko's face screwed up. "Not this wish," she said in a low
voice. Then she shook her head. "I've figured out the best wish
of all, Ranma." She looked at him earnestly. "All of us--me, you,
Akane, Mister Tendo, even Ukyou will gain from it."
Ranma looked at her suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? So what is it?"
Ranko smiled. "Oh...nothing important."
Ranma didn't blink. "Like heck it is. Spill it, Sis, or I
yell and scream and wake up the house."
Ranko's smile wavered. "You wouldn't."
"Try me."
Ranko forced a smile. "It's eternal happiness. Like Ukyou
said."
Ranma shook his head. "You're lying."
Ranko stomped her foot. "Dammit," she sighed. "Sometimes, I
hate you being able to read me like that!"
Ranma waited. "You're stalling for time," he said. "You
know, if you wait long enough, pop's gonna come down here and see
us."
Ranko sighed. "Okay, okay. Look...I've figured out the
source of all our problems."
Ranma looked interested. "Oh, yeah?"
Ranko nodded. "Mm-hm. And I'm gonna get rid of it. That way
the monkey's paw can't hurt us."
Ranma nodded slowly. "Well...I guess that doesn't sound
bad...but what *is* the source of our problems?" He scratched his
head. "I mean, I've been trying to figure that out for some time
now..."
Ranko smiled. "Jhusenkyou, of course."
Ranma shook his head slowly. "Lie, lie, lie. Don't you trust
me anymore? What happened to you when you ran away?"
Ranko's face contorted into an angry mask. "Damn you! Okay,
fine, be that way." She sighed. "It's me."
Ranma blinked. "What is?"
Ranko rolled her eyes. "The problem, baka!"
Ranma frowned. "I don't follow you."
Ranko patiently explained. "All our problems have been caused
by me. Think about it, Ranma. Who here can't trace their problems
to me?"
Ranma snorted. "Me, for one."
Ranko rolled her eyes again. "Yeah, right! Without me, you
wouldn't have three fiancees."
Ranma grinned. "Yeah, without you, I'd probably have four.
And at least two of them would be nuts (1)."
Ranko punched him in the shoulder. "I was being serious!"
Ranma shook his head. "I appreciate the thought, Sis, but I
don't see any problem."
Ranko sighed. "Well...fine, okay. Then there's Mom." At
Ranma's puzzled look, she elucidated. "It was only that silly
little contract Pop signed that's causing the problems there...you
know, that 'manly man' garbage...if I wasn't here, you could go
home."
Ranma snorted. "Aw, Pop'd find some other stupid way to screw
things up. You know him."
Ranko shook her head. "He's not *that* bad...I mean, sure, he
can be pretty bad sometimes, but not like that. Not on purpose.
Besides, he wants to see Mom just as much as we do--maybe more. He
at least *knew* her." She sighed in frustration. "Well then--you
already mentioned one problem...if I hadn't have been there, you
would have had more food, and more money for clothes and
shoes...you could have stayed in one place longer, and made
friends..."
Ranma snorted. "We probably would have chosen to steal if Pop
hadn't made us, you know. Besides, Pop liked to wander. I
wouldn't have made many friends without you there. Heck, I
probably would'a made more enemies, like I did with Ryoga."
Ranko threw her hands in the air. "Make up your mind!
Well...what about Kuno?" Ranma noticed she hadn't even paused for
breath. His heart sank even as he scrambled for something to say.
She'd obviously been giving this a lot of thought, and that worried
him. "If he hadn't fallen for me, you two wouldn't have had to
fight so much!"
Ranma flexed his arm. "Kuno's good exercise," he said, trying
to keep the mood lighthearted.
Ranko sighed, but she smiled a bit, too. "You're impossible!
Besides, even if he is a moron, Kuno still has feelings, and I've
hurt them."
Ranma shrugged. "So? If not you, some other girl. Akane,
maybe. Or maybe somebody that couldn't fight back. You'd rather
that happened?"
Ranko winced. "That's not what I meant and you know it. Okay
then--Ukyou. Without me, she'd never have come looking for me...
for you, I mean...and you wouldn't have another fiancee, and she
wouldn't be so heartbroken."
"Heartbroken?"
Ranko stiffened. "You can't tell? She really loves you,
baka! You're hurting her!"
Ranma blinked. "I didn't know." Ranko raised an eyebrow.
"Okay...fine. I didn't want to know," he amended. "I didn't think
about it. I owe her one, you're right. I'll try to make things
better for her."
Ranko shook her head. "Then there's Akane...if I hadn't
caused that problem in the bath...or beaten her up...or insulted
her so much...or did everything else I did...she and you would have
gotten together and admitted your love for each other so much
sooner."
Ranma stiffened. "Hey, who says we--"
Ranko smirked. "Oh, so you didn't like kissing her?"
Ranma blushed. "That's *not* what I--wait, how did you--?"
Ranko laughed merrily. It echoed inside the house. She
blanched and quickly shut up, hoping nobody had heard her.
"Shampoo!" she said, darkly.
"Huh?" asked Ranma, confused by the sudden change. "What
about her?"
"If I hadn't beaten her up, she wouldn't have followed us all
the way here. And you wouldn't have had to go through all that."
Ranma snorted. "Shampoo was pretty unbalanced to begin with--
those wacko Amazon laws and all that. I bet you if you hadn't been
there, she'd still have found some way to chase after us. Heck, I
bet you if it'd been up to me, I wouldn't have been stuck with just
one Amazon, I'd have gotten three of 'em following me all over
Nerima!"
Ranko shook her head. "You come up with such simple answers,
Ranma...but life isn't that simple. Besides, all that sounds like
a badly-written manga plot."
Ranma grinned. "At least I don't have green-haired alien
princesses chasing me."
Ranko grinned back. "Yeah. Thank goodness for the small
stuff." She sighed, her smile slipping. "Fine. Ryoga."
Ranma winced at that one. "Well...I know he must have really
hurt you..." he said, discomfited.
Ranko's eyes widened. "Ryoga? He'd never hurt a fly!"
Ranma nearly facefaulted. "Uh...Ranko...you *do* know that
Ryoga is...um...is...well--"
"A pig?" Ranko supplied.
Ranma looked at her, puzzled. "Yeah. Wait, I mean a *real*
pig...not just acting like one..."
Ranko grinned. "Of course I know, silly!"
Ranma's head swam. "How long have you known?"
Ranko snorted. "Longer than you, apparently."
Ranma stared at his sister. "And you...you still took him to
*bed* with you?"
Ranko hit him in the stomach. "Don't you say things like that
about me! I found out when I was running away, baka!"
"Oh," said Ranma, sucking in air. "So why are you the cause
of all *his* problems?" he asked sarcastically.
"If I hadn't knocked him into Jhusenkyou he wouldn't have
wanted revenge for turning his life into Hell, and you two would
still be friends," she replied seriously.
Ranma shook his head. "That guy has always been pig-headed.
He was destined to be a pig."
Ranko glared at him. "How *dare* you say that about the man
I love?"
Ranma gaped. "The man you WHAT?!?"
Ranko blushed. "Oops."
Ranma grabbed her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "You
love him?"
Ranko turned away slightly, breaking out of his grasp. "I...I
don't know. Sometimes I do. Mostly, I just think he's too good
for me."
Ranma shook his head. "Ranko, he turns into a barnyard animal
and sleeps with you without your consent. He's seen you naked a
dozen times. He's probably the biggest pervert besides Happosai in
existence. And he keeps trying to kill me. How can you possibly
love him?"
Ranko sighed. "I don't know...but I do."
Ranma nodded. "Okay. Good enough for me."
It was Ranko's turn to gape. "What?"
Ranma grinned. "You really think I'd hold something like that
against him?"
"Actually, y--" said Ranko. Ranma cut her off.
"If he's what you want, it's what I want, too. Don't get me
wrong - I'll be the first in line to beat him senseless the day he
hurts you, but I'm also gonna do everything I can to help you and
him get together."
Ranko looked at him dubiously. "Weren't you the one who kept
banging on the door saying you'd kill him for me?"
Ranma blushed. "Was that why you wouldn't let me in? And why
you've been so, well, distant lately?"
Ranko sighed morosely. "Well...yeah. Partially. And
partially because...it doesn't matter."
Ranma frowned as he remembered. "And all that stuff before -
you were trying to pay some kind of debt to me?"
Ranko nodded. "Well, yes. Right. You've got it."
"And," continued Ranma, "I've been making things worse by
blaming Ryoga, because that's what I thought you wanted me to say?"
"Well...yeah," said Ranko. "When you put it like that."
"So would you say I understand things now?" asked Ranma.
"Um...I guess so, sure," said Ranko, puzzled.
"Well, good," said Ranma, "'cause I think this is complete
nonsense. Come on back to bed, Ranko."
Ranko stiffened in his arms. "Let me go, Ranma. Let me do
this. For you..."
Ranma sighed, too. "Me? Why would you kill yourself for me?"
Ranko's eyes widened. "Kill myself?"
Ranma blinked. "Er...isn't that what we're talking about?"
Ranko's eyes widened even further. "For you? Why on Earth
would I do that? You'd be crushed, and Ryoga would commit suicide,
and Pop would probably end up as an alcoholic...or worse, like
Happosai..."
Ranma smiled. "Gee...I'm sorry. I'm glad you don't want to
kill yourself. I guess I was sorta overreacting."
Ranko nodded. "Yeah, I GUESS," she said dryly. Then a
mischievous smile lit her face up. "I don't know *why* I'd want to
kill myself over YOU, anyway. Without me, you'd be a pathetic
excuse for a martial artist."
"Hey!" said Ranma, stung. "I would not!"
Ranko grinned further. "Well, not the way I'm going to do it,
anyway," she corrected him. She realized her mistake when Ranma
grabbed the lamp from her.
"The way you're going to do it?" Ranma glared at her. "And
just *what* were you going to wish for, Futago-CHAN?"
Ranko swallowed audibly. "I..."
Ranma shook his head. "The truth. Please...you owe me that
much."
Ranko looked down. "That...that I had never been born,
Ranma."
"WHAT?!?" Ranma shouted.
Ranko clamped a hand over his mouth. "Quiet, baka!" she
hissed. "Look, Ranma...if I do it that way, I never would have
done any of all that...you wouldn't have any problems...and you
wouldn't even remember me. You see? It's the perfect solution!
No pain for anybody!"
Ranma grabbed her hand and tore it away. "Like Hell you
will," he said. "There's no WAY I'm gonna let you wish for
something like that."
Ranko smiled sadly. "And that, brother dear, is why I have to
do it."
Ranma tried to digest that. He failed. "Huh?"
"You see...I'm losing you," said Ranko, avoiding his eyes.
"But you're trying to hold on, and it's hurting you." Ranma's eyes
narrowed, and she hurried on. "I'm losing you to Akane...or maybe
Ukyou. Maybe both. I'm losing you to Mom, even. You'll hold her
against me..."
"I will not!" said Ranma, indignant.
Ranko shook her head sadly. "One day, you will. Maybe not
tomorrow, or next week. But someday. And for the rest of your
life." She sighed heavily. "And I *am* losing you. I wish...I
wish I wasn't." A single tear slid down her cheek. "I wish we
could always be together. I wish..."
Ranma glanced at the lamp uneasily. "This thing isn't loaded,
is it?"
Ranko laughed, like silver peals of bells in the silence of
the house. "No. I have a bag of panties here, for it."
Ranma looked befuddled. "But you wear--"
Ranko grinned. "I stole Kasumi's. If my wish works, there's
no need to buy replacements, now is there?"
Ranma sighed. "Ranko...I don't know what to say. I love you.
You will always be in my heart. You'll always come first with me."
"I wish I could believe you, Ranma."
Ranma looked pained. "I'll do anything you ask of me. Let me
prove myself to you!"
Ranko stared him down. "Let me go. Give me the lamp. Let me
sacrifice myself for you."
Ranma sighed. "Anything but that. We could wish for us to be
happy, like Ucchan says."
Ranko raised an eyebrow. "'Ucchan'?"
Ranma grinned half-heartedly. "I have to start somewhere if
I'm gonna be friends with her."
Ranko shook her head with a smile. "You're full of surprises
tonight, Ranma-kun."
Ranma sighed. "I'll give up Akane. I'll call off the
engagement."
Ranko looked pained. "You can't do that. And even if you
could, it wouldn't help, it would just make things worse. You'd be
bitter, and we wouldn't grow closer, only further apart. I've lost
you, plain and simple. Nothing either of us can do can change
that."
Ranma looked pained. "We--we could run off somewhere, just
the two of us, and say we were married--"
Ranko looked horrified. "Eew!" she exclaimed. "What kind of
sick person do you think I AM?!?"
Ranma looked relieved. "Thank God," he said. "For a second
there I thought you--I mean, well, after Akane said--"
Ranko shook her head adamantly. "Just drop it, Ranma!" She
let out her breath angrily, then suddenly smiled sadly. "It's not
that at all, baka. Now I'm sure I've got to do this...if it's come
to this, we really have grown apart."
Ranma fell to one knee in front of her. "Give me a chance,
Ranko! Just one chance...that's all I ask."
Ranko looked down at him. He was crying. So was she. She
sighed, and turned away. "I...I wish I could believe you, Ranma."
She sighed again. "All right," she agreed at last. "One chance.
You deserve that much."
Ranma nodded, though she could not see him. "I'm ready," he
said.
Ranko nodded in turn. She turned around to face him. "Okay,
I tell you what. If you can look me in the eyes and--OMIGOD!
AKANE!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU--YOU'RE BLEEDING!!"
"WHAT?!?" Ranma spun around behind him. Even before he saw
the empty doorway, he knew what was happening. He ducked and
rolled. Ranko's fist swished through empty air where his head
would have been.
"Hey, wait a second," said Ranma. "That wasn't fair! Come
on, try me now!"
"That was the POINT, bro!" yelled Ranko as she kicked at his
head. He went from ducking to leaping and avoided the attack; his
sister must still be wounded - or perhaps it was that her heart
wasn't truly in it.
"Futago-chan, come on," pleaded Ranma, dodging three punches
in succession. "I understand what you were saying. Believe me, I
do. Sometimes it feels like we're growing apart, that I don't
really know you any more." He blocked a side kick and spun as she
threw a vase at him. It smashed against the table. "Ranko," said
Ranma, more calmly now that he was enveloped in combat, "It's not
the end of the world - not as long as I still breathe, it ain't.
You're my sister. My *sister*. And nothing, nobody, no how is
gonna change that. I love you. And I'm asking you to TRUST me,
just this once, one more time."
He stopped dodging and stood in front of her. "All I ask
is that you go back to bed. Let me handle things. And I guarantee
I'll make them better. Just go back to bed, Ranko." His sister
wavered, one fist raised. "Go ahead and hit me now, if you want,"
added Ranma. "I won't dodge."
Ranko stood silently and looked at him, tears filling her
eyes. "Oh, Ranma." she said softly, lowering her arms. "I..."
Suddenly, her eyes widened. "A-Akane?" she gasped. "How--what
happened-what did you-"
"Forget it," said Ranma. "That won't work on me twice. I
don't give two yen for Akane! It's YOU I--ack!"
Ranma dropped to the floor, unconscious. Akane glared at
him, lowering the baseball bat she'd just brained him with. "I
SAID, SHUT UP!!" she yelled, for emphasis. "It's three o'clock in
the morning!"
"Aheh," said Ranko nervously. "Sure thing, Akane."
Akane glared at her. "That goes for you, too, you know," she
said.
Ranko nodded. "Um..."
Akane looked up. "What?" she asked tiredly.
"He really loves you, you know," said Ranko.
"What?" Akane blinked. Then she got angry. "I couldn't
care less what he thinks of me!" she said hotly. "I'm not some toy
for his amusement - or yours!"
Ranko nodded mutely. "I'll remember that, Akane. Will you
help me clean up please, Akane?"
Akane blinked again. "Clean up?" She took a look at the
room. It was total chaos.
"Yeah," said Ranko, her gaze lingering on the corner where
the lamp had fallen, unseen. "I need to set the traps up again so
pop and Mr. Tendo don't steal it while we're sleeping." She pushed
a lock of hair out of her face and looked at Akane. "I've got to
go back to bed," she said, smiling.
(1) And at least one would dress up in leotards while tossing
around black roses and laughing megalomanically. Although that's
just a wild guess.
* * *
End of Episode 20 (alternate)
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