Girl Days

	A Ranma 1/2 fanfic

	By Robert Haynie

	(And here we go with the disclaimer thing again!)

	part Six, section two:  Life's a beach-- let's hit it!

	####

	It was a beautiful morning.  Just beautiful.  The sun rose like
the very eye of God, the sky was an intense sky-blue (a good thing,
since if it had been an intense sky-green we'd have an entirely
different sort of fanfic, wouldn't we?) and the breeze from the
mile-away beach held the tang of the ocean.

	And Ranma couldn't decide which swimsuit to wear.

	Oh, sunbathing was something easy, of course.  That was the teal
and gold-chain bikini.  If she wanted to sunbathe she'd just change
in one of the change booths that dotted the beach. She intended to
swim first, which meant one of the one-pieces.  But which one?

	There was the black one.  Well, actually it was black with a
single inch-wide green stripe running vertically down the left side
of the front.  It was high cut on the hips and low cut in the front
and back, and fit her like a glove.  You could swim in it.

	Then there was the other one.  This one was actually what Ranma
thought of as a one and a half piece.  It was technically a one
piece, but was made of blue mesh, with panels in bikini-coverage
places.  Smallish panels.  Somehow she felt more naked in that suit
than in the bikini.  There was little to no doubt that it was meant
specifically to make the wearer look one hundred percent HOT.

	Then again, the black one did the same on her.  No matter which
suit she wore, she was going to have problems with many many boys
hitting on her.  Which meant that she'd likely have to hit many many
boys.

	The life of a Martial Artist is fraught with peril, her father
had said for years.  Turning down lewd propositions was one peril
that had never been a factor before Jusenkyo .

	She couldn't ask the others, of course.  Kasumi wouldn't suggest
either-- too "risky" for her tastes.  Nabiki would suggest the mesh
and Akane would say the black.  And Mom wouldn't understand the
problem.

	She flipped a coin.  Tails.  The mesh.

	Well... time to get with the others, she mused, after donning the
revealing suit and slipping one of her Chinese shirts over it as a
coverup.  Mom couldn't object this time, could she?

	Nodoka, actually, didn't.  In girlform, Ranma + Chinese Shirt -
Chinese Pants = Cute Girl in sleeveless minidress.  Especially when
she was wearing a revealing swimsuit and not boxers.

	And the party headed to the beach.

	As did others.

	####

	"Hibachan, we go now?"

	"Of course, Shampoo.  Come on, mister Part-Time."

	Mousse shrugged.  He may have been wearing trunks under his
robes, but he was wearing robes right now nonetheless.  There was no
way he could carry all that the old mummy wanted him to carry without
them.  

	Especially the portable cabana.

	####

	"Konatsu-chan, hurry!  We want to get a good spot at the-- oh my
GOD.  I knew you crossdressed, but..."

	"I don't look right, Ukyo-sama?"

	"You... you look great.  That's what's scary.  Well, come on..."

	####

	"Brother, Speedos and a bokken don't go together."

	"..."

	####

	"Where on earth am I NOW?"

	####

	"Ah... gather your strength, Happy, gather your strength.  Soon
enough you will have your greatest adventure ever!"  

	Evil laughter abounded.

	####

	It was a short bus trip to the beach.  It was also, in the view
of most of the passengers, a weird one.

	Genma had been to the beach post curse, and was always unhappy
that he would inevitably go panda.  Not so much being a panda, but
rather that he didn't really fit in at a beach as a panda.  Well,
this time he had an idea about that.

	His idea was to start off as a panda.  Now, this sort of made
sense, since it was sure to happen anyway.

	But pandas don't usually wear really really oversized swimtrunks
and tie-dyed t-shirts.  Genma was the world's first beach panda.  He
was even wearing flip-flops.  BIG panda-sized flip-flops.  

	Ranma sighed.  Panda no baka.

	As the bus arrived at the beach,  a lifeguard stared at the
disembarking panda.  "Hey-- no pets allowed.  Not even trained ones."

	"That's not a pet," Nodoka retorted.  "That's my unworthy
husband."

	"Huh?"

	"That's my husband."

	"You're married to a panda?"

	"He's not a panda.  Not usually.  Well, actually he is fairly
often.  Shameful, isn't it?"

	"It-- he's not a... Look, I don't understand.  What are you
trying to pull, lady?"

	"Ranma, thermos."

	Splash.

	"It needn't be quite THAT hot, boy!  EEEP!"

	Mixed gasps and giggles began to emerge from the bus crowd.
Genma was not a small man, but he was a damn sight smaller than his
panda form.  The result was that his panda-sized trunks decided to be
law-abiding.  Law of gravity, that is.  

	In the past Genma had been exposed as a fool, exposed as a thief,
exposed as a buffoon, and exposed as a greedy scoundrel.

	Now he was just plain exposed.

	While Akane flushed, Kasumi averted her eyes, and Ranma and
Nabiki did their best to keep from exploding in mirth, Genma quickly
gathered the trunks up as best as he could, and growled, "Cold Water.
Please."

	"So you see, he's not a--"

	The lifeguard had a sense of impending doom.  "Whatever.  Go on.
I don't want to think about it."

	As the party passed on, a thought entered the lifeguard's brain,
lagging behind the shock.

	(Boy?)

	####

	Nabiki slipped off her beach robe, revealing one of her standard
bikinis.  Small.  Daring.  Black.  And barely there.  She'd slip into
a one-piece if she decided to go into the water.

	Akane wore a simple red and black striped one-piece, and swore
that this time she would learn to swim.

	Kasumi was in a blue and modest one-piece. 

	Nodoka was in a suit similar to Kasumi's, except it was grey.

	And Ranma--

	Caused a commotion as soon as she slipped off the Chinese
"dress".

	A small group of boys, out for that time honored sport of
girl-watching, were just plain in heaven.  THAT many cute females...
in one group?  The gods must be kind.

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"The one in the red suit is pretty cute, too."

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"They're all cute.  Even the older one."

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"Aw, she's probably their mom.  Good looking mom, though."

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"That one in the blue suit ain't bad either.  Or the one in the
black bikini."

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"I dunno, she looks kinda scary in a way.  But scary ain't bad
with a body like that!"

	"Look at the redhead!"

	"You know, Koji, I think you kinda like the redhead."

	"Look at the-- well, damn, she's got to be the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen... "

	"It's getting better."

	"How could it get better?"

	"Look what's coming to join them."

	"Oh... GOD..."

	The night before, the Ranma Happiness Preservation League had
decided to meet, and to protect Ranma from unhappiness.  Part of that
was to stay close but not to actually join up with the Tendo-Saotome
party.  

	But the beach was pretty crowded, and by the demands of
synchronicity, the only open spaces with a reasonable distance were
right next to that same group.  

	So the Nekohanten crowd set up to one side and the Ucchan's duo
set up to the other.  And Ranma began to sweat.  Not from the heat,
either.

	"Whoa-- look at that!"

	"Yeah, THREE more babes!"

	Three?

	Well, to the uninformed eye, yes.

	Ukyo wore a yellow two-piece with blue trim of fairly modest cut.

	Shampoo, who quite frankly had little concept of the idea of
modesty, wore a bikini that was as tiny as Nabiki's, only red.

	And Konatsu-- looked like a girl.

	It should be understood that there was one major difference
between Konatsu and Tsubasa, the crossdresser kings-- or was that
queens?-- of Japan.  Tsubasa only dressed like a girl because he was
convinced that Ukyo liked it.  Konatsu, on the other hand, had been
raised as a girl, held a self image as a girl, and likely would have
happily leapt in the Nyannichuan if the opportunity had ever
presented itself.

	Konatsu was GOOD at looking like a girl.

	As the modest green skirted one-piece attested.  Had the Nerima
contingent not known that she was actually a he, they... well,
wouldn't have known it.

	Ranma stared.  (As did a lot of other people.)  And said,
uncertainly, "Nice swimsuit, Ko-chan?"

	"Arigato, Ranma-san.  Ukyo-sama liked it too."

	Shampoo peered at Ranma.  "Ranma wear very... um..."

	"Sexy?" interjected Nabiki, grinning.

	"That word."  Shampoo was NOT happy with Girl Days.  Even if
Hibachan DID approve.  Not only was she interested in the male
Ranma-- and only the male Ranma-- but it was somewhat disturbing that
Ranma was wearing a suit that even she would think twice about.
(Only twice.  Third time around, the suit's on.)

	"Thanks, Sham-chan", giggled Ranma, deciding to go into full
kawaii-as-a-bucket-of-plush-toys mode.  "Mom picked it out."

	Shampoo began (like many others) to severely wonder about Nodoka
Saotome.

	Meanwhile, on the girl-watcher's front--

	"Whoa-- check out the one with the purple hair!"

	"Yeah, SERIOUS babe!"

	"Almost as good as the redhead!"

	"Koji, she's BETTER."

	"I like the one with the yellow two-piece.  She's CUTE!"

	"Hmm... the one in green is kinda cute also."

	A long pause.

	"There's something about her, though..."

	"She looks the real shy and ladylike type, yeah."

	"Look at the red--"

	"We get the idea, Koji!  We get the idea!"

	"Hey, Ichiro, what are you staring at?  All the girls are over--
whoa."

	The new distraction was a private pavilion with an adjoining
change room.  There Tatewaki Kuno was idly dozing, dreaming of
infinite glories and inevitable victories (especially over
you-know-who), while Kodachi was stepping out of the change room
in... 

	This one was hard to describe.  Basically it was ribbons.
Carefully wound silver ribbons-- yes, gleaming metallic silver-- that
concealed the parts that had to be concealed while revealing enough
to be revealing period.  It was carefully planned for a maximum
effect on the male libido.  It was meant to ensnare the heart of her
Ranma-sama.

	If it wasn't for the fact that her Ranma-sama, contrary to what
many believed, wasn't a suicidal maniac, it might have had a chance.
As it was, Ranma caught it out of the corner of her eye, deduced it's
purpose, and shuddered.

	The pack of boys were in girl-watcher's heaven.  Somehow they
were flanked by amazing amounts of feminine pulchritude.  This, as
any normally hormonal boy can tell you, is a Good Thing.
	
	Well, usually.

	That's when Cologne decided to take off her robes and appear in
HER swimsuit.  

	The author refuses to describe this one because the image of
Cologne in a swimsuit is too hideous for even HE to envision.  You
should all be very thankful for that.

	The pack of boys suddenly passed out.

	They weren't as lucky as YOU, Honored Readers.

	As the day moved on, Ranma and company did a bit of swimming
(Except for Akane, who did a bit of sinking before being convinced
that maybe this wasn't her day to learn how to swim after all), a bit
of playing, during which Genma's experience with a beach-ball when
impersonating a panda paid off, and a lot of careful not fighting.

	The three members of the RHPL were incredibly careful to be
polite to each other, to not fawn over or assault Ranma, and to
generally just treat her like one of the gang.  This was beginning to
get on Ranma's nerves in much the same way that calming and peaceful
things don't.  Ranma was convinced that someone would say something
that would start, if not World War Three, then at least a healthy
local police action.

	She expected it to happen at lunch.  

	As lunchtime rolled around, Kasumi began laying out the
sandwiches and cold rice and pickles and sushi and-- well, lots of
other Kasumi-ish picnic type foodstuffs.  To Ranma's dread, she also
smelled from one side the odor of Okonomiyaki in preparation and to
the other a spicy aroma of some rapid Chinese preparation.  She
expected another bout of "Ranma will eat MY cooking!"

	But, to her absolute astonishment, Shampoo carried a bowl of
heavily topped ramen over to Ukyo, who served Shampoo an elaborate
okonomiyaki, and nodded.  

	"This is pretty good, Shampoo.  Guess even I can use a change
from okonomiyaki once in a while."

	"Shampoo think same about ramen.  This have shrimp in it?"

	"Sure does, girl.  And bonito.  What's this spicy flavor?"

	"Szechuwan bean paste, make spicy broth Chinese style."

	"I have to admit, I like it.  Hmm... where do you get that bean
paste?  Could make a new 'yaki sauce."

	It was beginning to look like the other shoe that Ranma had been
dreading all morning wasn't going to drop after all.

	Bit by bit the three groups had melded into one, and food began
to be shared all around.  Cologne was impressed by Kasumi's special
sandwiches and the thermos filled with Nodoka's special Shrimp and
Rice soup.  Akane got a weird idea which Shampoo and Ukyo decided to
try.  Which was how Ranma taste-tested the first ramen okonomiyaki.
(It was actually pretty good.)  

	And Ranma was relaxing.  There was a LOT of food.  And she was
getting enough.  Even the one thing that Akane had prepared-- a
simple salad-- had turned out to be edible.  This was possibly one of
the best days of her life.

	After such a meal, the next thing was to relax it off.  Just lay
back and sun.

	Ranma changed her swimsuit to the teal bikini, (causing much joy
from the pack who were still watching) and laid back.  What a nice
day!  The Fiancee Front was getting along-- maybe even making friends
a little bit-- Mousse hadn't attacked her at all, no weirdness, no
food poisoning, no grand battle for her life... She was feeling
something unfamiliar.  Something she hadn't felt in a long long time.
What was the word, again?

	Oh, yeah.  Contentment.

	####

	Ryoga was in a state of near panic.  Water.  EVERYWHERE water.
Ocean and pools and a lagoon-like thing and coolers filled with
melting ice and ocean (yes, he'd thought about that once, but there
was a LOT of ocean) and...

	And he KNEW all of it was waiting to pounce on him and once again
rip him of his humanity.  And since he'd seen no less than twenty
barbecues while here in this hellish place, a small black potential
pork roast was NOT something he wanted to be.

	If only he had some tiny idea WHICH accursed beach he was at.  It
could be any in Japan.  On any island.  He sometimes suspected that
some of the places he'd been weren't actually IN Japan.  At least, he
was fairly certain that there wasn't a Swedish speaking colony on any
of the islands.  He hoped he was wrong, though.

	But he was certain of one thing.  He was lost.  Again.  The only
thing that was at all good at the moment was the shade of the tree he
was under.  That wasn't enough.

	The familiar feelings of depression and angst began to well up.
Heavy chi welled up into his breast, as the misery of his pitiful
life preyed on his mind.  And worst of all, at this particular moment
in time he couldn't even find a way to blame Ranma for any of his
present situation (except for the everpresent danger of becoming a
pig of course).  He looked up into the sky, just after screaming a
familiar phrase.

	"SHI SHI HOKODAN!"

	As the ball of depression chi shot off into the air, Ryoga
realized that the shade he'd been standing in wasn't a tree, after
all.  It was-- Oh, no.

	"A watertower?  Why me?  WHY BWEE?"

	Well, a watertower with a large hole in it now.  P-chan walked on
after dragging his clothes and umbrella to a safe place.  Carefully
avoiding barbecues.

	####

	(Almost time, Happy.  Wait for it to get to the peak crowds...
then you can have real fun.)

	####

	"You know, Akane, I'm actually having a nice time," Ranma said as
she sunned.

	"We said you would, didn't we?" interjected Ukyo.

	"Ranma have fun this weekend," added Shampoo.

	"That may change," frowned Akane.  "I think that pack of admirers
has someone in it who's getting up the courage to talk to someone.
And guess who I think it is?"

	"Well, Akane-chan, a boy'd have to be dead not to want to strike
up a conversation with Ranchan in her present state.  But it would
annoy her, so we should deflect him, I guess."

	"Aw, you don't have to go to all that trouble, I been expecting
it.  All I gotta say is no, right?"

	"That ever work before?  Even with some people who know the
truth?"  pointed out Akane.

	"Well, one can always hope?"  Ranma shrugged.

	"Shampoo think maybe no and punch in face?"

	"Why sink to violence so soon, sugar?"

	"Work for Mousse."

	"Since when?"

	The youth approached and zeroed in on Ranma, as Akane had
expected.  "Hey, beautiful," he asked with all the panache of a
streetcorner flasher, "Where have you been all my life?"

	Ranma groaned.  "Well, for the past year Nerima.  Now I'm not--"
She stopped her rejection as the boy paled and stumbled away.

	"What got into him?" Ukyo wondered.

	Back the pack, Koji blurted, "We don't want anything to do with
those girls.  They're from Nerima.  My cousin Hiroshi goes to
Furinkan High there, and I just recognized some of the descriptions.
And they are ALL lethal martial artists who are known not to like
being asked out on dates."

	"You're kidding."

	"Nope.  Especially the redhead.  'Roshi isn't very clear about
her, but she's supposed to be the worst of the lot-- and their
boyfriend is even more dangerous."

	"THEIR boyfriend?"

	"Apparently they all want to marry this guy who 'Roshi says can
leap over buildings and throw fireballs.  'Roshi is probably
exaggerating, but I don't wanna get slapped by no dan ranking anyway.
No, I for one ain't going back."

	The others sighed disappointedly.  And a few later neglected that
suggestion.  But that's another story...

	####

	Clean-up completed, the sunning resumed.  This time the gazes
from the pack were somewhat subdued as Koji related horror story
after horror story from his cousin.  By the time it was safe to
return to the water, he'd painted a picture of impossible weirdness
and sheer non-stop violence that the human mind could barely conceive
of.

	In other words, he got it pretty much right.  Except no-one had
ever actually been eaten.

	"It's been such a nice day, Ranma," sighed Akane.  "So peaceful,
so pleasant."

	"Yeah," agreed Ranma, suppressing a burp.

	"I only wish-- look, Ranma, isn't that-- it is!  It IS!"

	"Mmmmmm?" the redhead commented, soaking in the bliss of a warm
sun, a cool breeze, and a great meal.

	"P-CHAN!" squealed Akane in glee, and dashed off to gather her
pet up.

	Whose eyes went VERY wide.  Why was it that recently he kept
meeting Akane wearing.... and pressing him into those... those...

	Neural Shutdown followed as P-chan tried to look away from Akane
and those... those... and got an eyeful of Ranma, Shampoo, Ukyo, and
Nabiki, also wearing... and with rather obvious those.  

	"Oh, Ranma, I think P-chan's been hurt!  He's not moving and his
nose is bleeding!" wailed Akane.

	"I'm sure he'll be all right," Ranma said dryly.  

	When P-chan came to, he steeled himself to the sight of so much--
and so developed-- female flesh and tried to simply enjoy the small
tidbits that Akane pressed on him.  Ranma snorted, but kept her
peace.  She was simply in too good a mood to antagonize Akane with
her first impulses.  (Most were related to the phrase "pigskin" in
American style football.)

	She leaned back, and sighed.  Perhaps a little less content--
Ryoga she wasn't looking forward to meeting this time-- but still
pretty much so.  She picked up a cold drink, wrapped her lips around
the straw, and froze.

	There was a sound.

	A familiar sound.

	A chillingly familiar sound.

	The sound of a crowd of outraged female voices all crying for
vengeance, justice, and especially a good bludgeoning.

	And the voice-- the familiar, hated voice--

	"SWEETO!"

	"Oh, no.  Not HIM.  The day was going so well... why did HE have
to show up?"

	Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo all looked at each other and formed a
protective ring around Ranma.  No WAY was she going to get glomped by
the ancient pervert this ti--

	Yeah, right.  Happosai didn't know why three very curvy girls
were suddenly protecting someone in the middle of them, but he knew
that someone had to be really really special.  He performed a simple
slide between Ukyo and Shampoo, leapt straight up-- and latched onto
heaven!

	What a perfect figure!  What wonderful globes of feminine
mammality! What a skimpy skimpy bikini!  What gorgeous red--

	Uh-oh.

	Happosai looked up.  The hair might have been unbound, but the
eyes were unmistakable.  Blue, wide, beautiful-- and very very angry.

	"Ranma-chan, surely you aren't going to begrudge an old man his
innocent pleasures?"

	"Die," suggested Ranma.  "No, bleed, bruise, be broken, and THEN
die."

	"I guess you are.  Oh, well..."

	Before Ranma could react, Happosai managed to grope Ukyo, fondle
Shampoo, glomp Akane, and dash away at incredible speed-- pausing
only for a quick squeeze on Nabiki.  For a moment the party froze,
and then--

	"Is Ranma's happy weekend-- we handle it."

	"Yeah, Ranchan, leave it to us."

	"Ranma, you just relax and we'll... uh-oh."

	The uh-oh was because Ranma was glowing.  Glowing blue... in
sheer anger.  Her face was a strange mixture of feminine rage and
masculine fury.  Her fists were clenched, her teeth were audibly
grinding, and her eyes were apparently turning red.

	"Happy Weekend.  You wanna know what'll make me happy?  Pounding
that pervert into dust will make me happy!"

	"Oh... can we help?"

	"Yeah, Ranchan, please?"

	"Shampoo want HURT old pervert!"

	Ranma just nodded.  And then noticed that there were a pack of
other girls around her-- looking at her with wide and respectful
eyes.  What was going on?

	And Akane pointed at Ranma and said, "Follow our leader!"

	The bloodthirsty cheer went up.

	####

	Kodachi was pleased.  This was a swimsuit that only the dead
could ignore, and surely her Ranma-sama was so full of life, that he
would gather her up in his muscular arms and tug at the ribbons just
like the little shriveled...

	What?

	She stared at what seemed to be some sort of gnome.  Tugging
curiously at the hip-ribbon of her one-of-a-kind-only-for-
Ranma-Sama-to-do-THAT swimsuit.  "Hunh.  Never saw one like that 
before.  How does this work..."

	TUG.

	Happosai was draped with ribbons.  And was staring in wide-eyed
wonder at Kodachi, who was draped in air.

	"Hotcha!  That's something new!  Easy open packaging!"

	Kodachi was paralyzed in mixed fury and chagrin.  Then she became
aware of two separate cries of rage.  One from her brother, who had
just come out of the change room to put on a t-shirt, and a larger
one from a mob of women heading this way very fast.  Oddly, the mob
seemed to have a small sub-tone of piglet squealing added in.  (Yes,
Ryoga was pissed too.)

	And leading the mob was the red-haired witch that her brother was
so erroneously enamored of.  Glowing-- literally-- in fury.

	Happosai bounced off again after a quick (and very unwanted) hug.
Kodachi stood for a moment more-- and dashed into the change room
very very fast indeed.  As she came out in a somewhat modest
two-piece in purple, with a black rose applique on one breast, she
confronted the redhead.

	"Have you also been affronted by that... that thing?"

	"You got it, Kodachi.  And this time is the last time."

	"You are familiar with... it?"

	"SHE'S our LEADER!" chorused the mob.

	"For once we have common cause.  That... that..."

	"Happosai," interjected Kuno, in tones of disgust.  "The one
redeeming feature of the Sorcerer Saotome is that he apparently
loathes that creature as much as all right-thinking people do."

	"Whatever.  I suggest that we.... that is, we would do well to...
aw, hell, let's CREAM the bastard!" snarled Kodachi, deciding that
for once it could be useful to be a commoner.

	"What she said," added Kuno.  "This vile troll will not withstand
our just wrath!"

	"Shampoo with you!"

	"Same here, Sempai!"

	"For Ranchan and women around the world!"

	"Bweee!"

	Ranma stood straight.  For a moment she didn't look like a babe
in a bikini (although she was, let's not forget) but like some arcane
goddess of war and justice.  "Happosai-- today you PAY!"

	Further down the beach, a shriveled old pervert sneezed.

	####

	"What is this, Hiro?"

	"Oh, just something I made on my lunch hour."

	"You made a cocktail umbrella on your lunch hour?  But that's
what we make when working."

	"Pick it up."

	"Well, ok, but-- Hey, this thing must weigh a kilogram!"

	"Ayup.  It's a model of a Combat Umbrella."

	"A what?"

	"Used by a very few families in an unorthodox combat style.  My
family makes them for those families.  I just made this for fun-- a
full size one can weigh up to 75 kilos.  And do a LOT of damage
also."

	"Weird.  Very weird."

	"Yeah-- HEY! What was that?!?"

	"I'm not sure, but I THINK a small black piglet wearing a
bandanna stole your model."

	"Oh.  Funny... that piglet reminded me of someone..."

	Ryoga, meet Synchronicity.  For once being nice to you.

	####

	As the mob dashed out to find the target for today, Ukyo realized
something.  Something bad.

	"Damn!  Ranchan, I don't have my combat spats!  I was trying so
hard to be peaceful I didn't bring them!"

	"Aiya!  Shampoo no have bonbori either!"

	"Blast-- I only have about a dozen weapons for basic defense!
Shampoo made me leave most at the cabin because she didn't want any
fights and I had to make room for everything Cologne wanted me to
carry!"

	"I haven't even a ribbon!  That pervert took the only one I had
while I was wearing it!"

	"Well, ain't a lot we can do about that right... Holy.  There IS
a Kami-sama," grinned Ranma, pointing at a nearby shop.

	And all stared at the signboard... and grinned.

	####

	"Good sir.  I and my compatriots would avail you of your wares."

	Old Mister Nagayosi looked up into a pair of piercing dark eyes
and froze.  Those eyes were in the company of at least thirty very
pretty ladies in swimwear.  Said ladies were pouring over his stock
with grim determination.

	"Um... sure?"

	"Chinese damsel, Sister, Beauteous Chef-- choose your weapons."
He looked at the crowd of beach beauties, who were realizing they had
no money in their various swimsuits, and added, "Indeed-  everyone
may have one, and the Blue Thunder will meet the cost.  Generosity is
the hallmark of the Samurai, and justice must be fulfilled.  SASUKE!"

	Nagayosi almost had a heart attack as a small form popped up from
apparently nowhere.  "Master?"

	"My wallet.  And sir, would you show me you finest wares?  I wish
to purchase one for a person who is dear to me, and it should be of
extra quality."

	"Um... what is it for?"

	"The punishment of the unholy and perverse.'

	"So... either Happosai or Ryo.  Figures.  I think I may have
something special..."

	Nagayosi grinned.  And to think he was worried about staying in
the black this year.  Instead, it looked to be a bumper quarter for
the Nagayosi Mallet Factory Outlet.

	####

	"This is for you, my fire-haired love."

	"Um... Kuno-sempai, I'm really better with my fists..."

	"As a token of my esteem, I insist."

	"I hate to admit it-- but this is almost sweet of you."

	Ranma looked at the gift and... grinned.

	####

	Happosai chortled.  He'd lost them for sure.  None of them, of
course, had ever had a chance against-- Why, there was Akane-chan
now, waiting for his loving embrace!  Once he got past the mallet, of
course.

	As she swung, he danced back-- and suddenly felt an impact on his
head.  A hard one.  He spun--

	And there was Ranma-chan.  With a mallet.

	And Ukyo.  With a mallet.

	And Kodachi.  With a mallet.

	And Shampoo.  With TWO mallets she was twirling like Bonbori.

	And Mousse, who had improvised with a large quantity of smaller
mallets tied to nylon cords in his sleeves.

	And Kuno, who bore a mallet in one hand and his bokken in the
other.

	And Nabiki.  Taking bet's with passerby on how long he'd last.
With a mallet shaped pen.

	And many many very angry girls.  And they ALL had mallets.

	There was also a small black piglet with a cocktail umbrella in
it's mouth.

	(This MIGHT hurt a bit,) thought Happosai.

	Actually, that was remarkably prescient of him.

	As he scrambled to escape (after the first three hundred impacts)
he realized he had to somehow recharge.  No time for glomps-- they
were leaving him vulnerable to malleting.  Idly (and painfully) he
wondered if Akane had opened her own dojo.  If so, she certainly had
more than her share of students.

	And what was with the piglet?  His buttocks were still smarting
from multiple pokes with the damn umbrella.

	He couldn't think.  He was too low on energy.  Ranma-chan was so
unappreciative of his innocent attentions.  So were the other Neriman
girls.  So were ALL the girls.  He couldn't understand it.  Why were
they so upset?

	He managed to lose the pack of raging females for a moment, and
saw a cabin.  Perhaps there would be something in there--

	And there was.  Oh, there WAS.  He saw them.  Black.  Lacy.
Skimpy.  Used, since they were in a plastic bag for taking home.  And
so incredibly feminine they would surely give him the energy to
escape.

	He grabbed the bra, tying it on his head, started fondling the
panties-- silkiest of silky darlings-- opened the paths of his chi--

	And screamed in uncomprehending agony as all his power was
twisted, torn, and rendered totally useless.  As he passed out he
wondered--

	"Why?  Why did the panties betray me?"

	####

	"Actually, it's very simple," Cologne said, smirking at the
chained pervert in the corner, who was still babbling in confusion.
"Although Ranma's body is female, his-- or her-- inner self is
primarily male.  True, there is male and female-- yin and yang, if
you will-- in all persons, but Ranma is an essentially male soul with
female overtones."

	"So how did that stop the old perv?" asked Ranma, slightly
confused.

	"Happosai was seeking the residual female chi that he needed to
recharge.  However, when he did that, he also opened himself to the
residual MALE chi that you generate, Ranma.  And since you generate a
LOT of chi, that overwhelmed him.  His perverse nature couldn't
handle all that masculine force.  The result?  One brain-fried
Happosai."

	"I like cheese," opined Happosai.

	"I'm not certain I understand," said Akane.

	"Well, Happy there takes his energy from female chi.  Male chi is
something he has no way to handle.  It's like slamming a lot of DC
current into an AC appliance.  Lots more than it's rated for even if
it was AC current.  For the moment, Happosai is-- to coin a phrase--
out of it."

	"Beagles are GOOD with chocolate syrup and wasabi!" added
Happosai, eager to join the conversation.

	"Ranchan-- you were wearing those last night?"

	"Well... it was a feminine night, and Mom makes me wear pretty
underwear then..."

	"That not pretty.  That something Shampoo not wear.  Well, not
bra."

	"Why not the bra?  Too racy?" grinned Akane.

	"No, Shampoo just not wear bra anyway.  Want know where Airen buy
panties, though.  Shampoo like style."

	Akane sniffed.

	"So, what do we do with him now that we have him?" asked Ukyo.

	"Antarctica is nice this time of year," mentioned Kuno.

	"Good one, Kuno," chuckled Ranma.  "That's the first good joke I
ever heard you make!"

	"Fire-haired angel, I was not joking.  The resources of the Kuno
estate are... considerable."

	Ranma grinned.  "Better one, then."

	"Not sure about that."

	"Why, Shampoo?"

	"Is not fair to girl penguins?"

	And there was much laughter, except from Happosai, who was saying
something about blue cheese and sardines as a cure for warts.

	####

	Akane watched nervously as Ranma fairly caressed her new toy.  A
mallet.  A mallet with a titanium-graphite shaft, leather grips, and
teak head with brass reinforcing bands.  And, ironically, on each
side of the head, an engraved stallion, rearing.

	"You know, if he only knew..." chuckled Ranma.  "It's
personalized."

	"Personalized?"

	"Yeah, a wild horse on the sides."
	
	"Oh.  A Ran-Mallet."

	Ranma groaned.  Even P-chan, in Akane's arms, gave a pained
squeal.

	"Anyway, you seem pretty fond of it," murmured Akane.

	"Hey, it's my first.  And I gotta admit, I can see what you like
about them.  Satisfying to trash him with this."

	P-chan bweed in agreement.  Finally, an umbrella for both shapes.
He'd LIKED poking the old pervert (now on his way to the far, far
south) with it.

	Akane paused.  "I wonder where P-chan got that umbrella, anyway?"

	Uh-oh, thought the pig.

	"You know, with the bandanna and the umbrella, he reminds me of
Ryoga..."

	I'm pork roast, thought the pig.

	"Of course!  Why didn't I see it before!"

	Make that spam, thought the pig.

	"Ryoga must have been training P-chan to protect me like he tries
to!  How sweet of him!"

	The pig fainted.

	Ranma sighed.  (And she calls ME baka...)

	####

	End part six, section two.


	####

	OK-- this was a gearing up to a classic Ranma-style romp.  I
admit it.  I also admit to deciding that if I was going to use the
tired old mallet convention I was going to have some fun with it.  I
hope you had fun also. ^_^

	I don't know WHERE the umbrella joke came from, though. Heh.

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