Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(You're expecting me to say that these characters aren't mine,
right? Well, guess what, I'm really Rumiko Takahashi in disguise
and they ARE mine, bwahhahahah! Oh, Mister Doctor, I'm ready for my
medication now...)
Part Seven: A Date That Will Live In Infamy
####
"Who's lame idea was this anyway?" asked a rather perturbed
Ranma.
Akane shrugged. Since the beach trip a few days back there had
been a small shift in the dynamics of the lunacy that surrounded
the redheaded martial artist. The most notable was the alteration
of relations between the three 'legitimate' fiancees.
To the surprise of all three, they found that they didn't
dislike each other QUITE as much as they had. A suggestion by Ukyo
that they see if they couldn't get along better was accepted by the
other two. Akane suggested the somewhat unorthodox idea of a
sleepover somewhere, and since the dojo was pretty crowded at the
moment, they decided on Ucchan's, after closing.
Then Shampoo suggested inviting Ranma. And the other two looked
at each other, and nodded. Ranma was supposed to be training in
being a girl, so...
Which was why a certain trainee girl was walking along with
Akane carrying a change of clothes, pajamas, and a sleeping bag. And
feeling totally ludicrous, to boot.
"I swear," continued Ranma, "If Mom hadn't thought this was a
good idea I would never have agreed. This is nuts."
"Hey, we didn't invite Kodachi, did we?"
"And that's a good thing. The only one."
"Come on, Ranma, it'll be fun. You'll have a great time."
"Says you. What do girls do at these things, anyway?"
"Oh, watch a video maybe, play a few games, gossip, relax...
eat snacks..."
Ranma brightened slightly at the mention of snacks.
As they approached Ucchan's, they grew quiet. Akane was
beginning to have second thoughts-- could the three rivals (and they
certainly hadn't even pretended that that wasn't still the case)
really be able to get along in this age-old typical girl activity?
Would Ranma enjoy herself? Would something strange and bizarre
happen to cause a calamity?
Better not think too hard on the last one.
"Nihao, Ranma, Akane," chirped a familiar Chinese voice from
inside as they entered. Shampoo was busy cooking popcorn while Ukyo
set up a TV and vcr combo. "Have romantic movie and kung-fu movie
for Ranma. So Ranma not bored all time."
"Yeah. If I can get this baka vcr to work, that is," grumbled
Ukyo.
"I can help with that," said Akane. She went to aid the chef's
attempts while Ranma placed their gear to one side.
Ranma picked up one of the tapes, and peered at it. "Gone With
the Wind", she mused. "Subtitled. Epic saga of romance and peril
during the American Civil War."
Oh, boy. THIS was going to be a snoozer.
####
Four hours later-- Ukyo hadn't known the film was THAT long--
three real girls were all teary-eyed while Ranma had been
surprisingly entertained.
"Why Scarlet girl not treat handsome bandit right? She lose him
forever. **sniff**"
"Damn right, sugar... she just kept pushing every wrong button
and kept pushing him away and when she finally had him... and
chasing that Ashley guy even though there was no chance to get
him..."
"It's... it's so sad when he just walked away... so cold like
that."
Ranma coughed. "Me? I think he might come back-- or she might
find a way to get him back. Like she said, tomorrow is another
day, right? She didn't seem the quitter type to me."
Akane blinked. "You... you liked the movie?"
"Kinda. That O'Hara was one tough chick, you know. That's
what Butler was probably attracted to, not just her looks or nothin'.
And she was the only one in her family that seemed to understand
that the world had changed and you can't make it go back the way it
was. Me, the one that made me sad was that Melanie. She reminded
me of a sort of sad Kasumi, you know."
"Is like nice nice girl. And Scarlet girl like half Amazon,
half mercenary girl."
"Hmm... weird way to put it, but that's pretty close to the
mark. Eh, Ranchan?"
"If I agree, do you promise never to tell Nabiki I did?"
The three started to giggle at that.
"Well, I guess it's kind of late to play the second tape...
but it's too early to go to bed. So, what do we do now?" asked
Akane.
"Ever hear of Truth or Dare?" asked Ukyo. "It's a game they
play in America I read about. You take turns asking questions,
and the person asked either has to tell the truth or perform a dare."
"Sound fun."
Ranma had a bad feeling about this...
####
"Truth or dare. What was the most embarrassing experience
of your life?"
Shampoo thought. "Was hunting, got chased by boar. Lost
bonbori, lost spear. Boar grab shirt, Shampoo escape, but boar eat
shirt. Boar chase Shampoo, grab pants. Shampoo climb tree, boar eat
pants. Stay in tree for hours until someone from village find
Shampoo. Was Mousse. Stupid Mousse wear glasses for once. Got...
good look at Shampoo. Brrr."
Akane giggled, and Ranma smirked while Ukyo just shook her head.
"OK, Ranchan's turn."
"OK... Akane, who's the strangest guy you know? Excepting
me, of course."
"You're the strangest GIRL I know. Strangest guy... hmm...
that would have to be Antarctica's latest resident."
(I'd have thought you'd say Tsubasa or Gosunkugi myself...)
"Good enough."
"Shampoo's turn. What Ukyo's worst cooking mistake?"
Ukyo grimaced. "I guess it was my attempt to make a new
okonomiyaki-- I was trying for a curry type-- and I accidentally
grabbed the wrong spice. Cocoa and curry don't mix very well."
(I've tried to tell Akane the same thing,) mused Ranma.
"OK. Ranma", Akane asked, eyes, gleaming, "Why do you call
Ryoga P-chan?"
Ranma froze. Honor demanded only one answer.
"Dare."
Akane blinked. Thought. And grinned. "Okay. I dare you to go
on a romantic-type date..."
The other two girls began to glower. Was she going to try to
trap Ranma even when they had agreed not to?
"With Ryoga!" finished Akane triumphantly.
Ranma boggled as the other two girls began to snicker. She
thought quickly-- and replied, "OK. But only if he asks me nicely."
Akane sighed. "I guess that's fair."
Ranma concealed a smirk. That, she felt certain of, was never
going to happen...
####
Ryoga Hibiki sighed. His bruised heart thumped in his breast
as he contemplated the irony of his accursed life.
More than once he'd wanted to ask Akane out on a date, but
usually as soon as he saw that angelic face, that perfect form, his
throat would lock up and his brain would shut down. Somehow he never
could get those particular words out right once he got a good look
at--
That's it! What if he couldn't see her? At least not clearly
enough to begin to freeze up? Perhaps then he could succeed where
he had heretofore failed. Now, how to do that?
As he mused, he noticed a familiar figure. Mousse, the Chinese
master of hidden weapons. Who carried many many things in his
voluminous robes--
Including at least a dozen spare pairs of glasses.
"Mousse! Hey, Mousse-- I got a favor I wanna ask ya..."
####
Wednesday.
Ryoga stood before the Tendo Dojo's gate, a bunch of flowers
in one hand and his secret weapon in the other. It was a perfect
plan, he knew it was. It was elemental in it's simplicity,
but elegant in it's surety.
He carefully entered the dojo, and saw Akane enter the house.
Perfect.
Knocking on the door, he was admitted by Kasumi, who told him
Akane was in her room, reading. Perfect.
He climbed the stairs, looked for the duck, and smiled.
Perfect.
He put on the secret weapon-- a pair of Mousse's glasses.
Instantly his vision blurred. Now her angelic face wouldn't distract
him. Perfect.
He knocked, and the door opened. A vaguely female figure stood
before him, head cocked to one side. Perfect.
"I... I've always thought you were really pretty, you know, and
well... I was wondering if you'd like to go out? I was thinking
a movie, and then dinner, and maybe a walk after that? If you would,
that is?" PERFECT!
The girl before him seemed to freeze. An indistinct murmur
emitted.
"Please? I know it's funny for me to ask you on a date, but...
please?"
"Um... sure. Be happy to."
Joy of joy! Acceptance! Akane had agr-- Wait. That wasn't
Akane's voice.
NOT perfect.
Ryoga lifted the glasses, and stared. At a door with not a duck
plaque, but a pony one. That read not "AKANE", but... No.
Not perfect at all.
He stared at a red-haired girl who looked both confused and
resigned. It wasn't possible... it wasn't...
Vastly, hugely, infinitely less than perfect.
"Well, Ranma, guess you're stuck after all," Akane said, trying
to decide weither to grin or to freak. Ranma had to complete her
dare after all... but why did Ryoga ask her in the first place?
Wearing a pair of Mousse's glasses yet? Weird.
And Ryoga Hibiki fainted as he realized he'd just asked his most
bitter rival out on a date.
####
When Ryoga came to, he thought the whole thing had been a
horrible, horrible dream. Until he saw Ranma still holding the bunch
of flowers.
"noo...." he whispered.
"Yes," replied an equally depressed Ranma.
"Why... why did you accept? You must have known I meant to
ask..."
"Stupid game." And Ranma explained the events of the previous
night.
"Arrgh... it's worse for me. I asked you... I have to go
through with it... honor demands..."
"Honor demands what?"
"That I go through with it too. After all, it's wrong for a guy
to go back on a date with a girl even if the girl's not really a girl
but only happens to be a girl at the time of a guy asking her out on
a date because she's a girl."
Ranma scratched her head, trying to decipher the last sentence.
"Um... Okay. Anyhow, how's it worse for you? How do you figure
that?"
"Well, Ranma, you sure can't be much fun on a date."
"What? Look, P-chan, I can be as fun as anyone on any date.
YOU, on the other hand-- or trotter-- are going to be insanely
dull."
"Oh, yeah? Well, MISS Ranma, I'm going to prove you wrong.
I'm going to win this time!"
"Hunh?"
"I'm going to show you the best time you have EVER had, and
you're going to eat those words!"
"Yeah, right! The only bright spot on this date will be me, and
you're going to beg me for another!"
"Oh, SURE I am! Friday, at seven?"
"IF you can find your way here, sure!"
"You can bet I will! And I'll sweep your arrogant butt off your
feet!"
"Hah! Remember, it's got to be a romantic date! Let's see you
pull that off! Baka!"
There was a pause.
"What are we SAYING?!?"
"Um... that... that we are going out, Ranma... Oh, MAN."
"Dammit, no going back now..."
Pause again.
"Ryoga?"
Still more pause.
"Ryoga."
Pause to insert more pausing.
"RYOGA!"
"Dammit, Ranma, I'm trying to think." Pause yet again. "And
my head hurts."
####
Akane sat in her room in a state of confusion. Why had Ryoga
asked Ranma on a date?
Then again, in Nerima, there could be any number of reasons.
Ryoga could have had a bad blow to the head and started to think that
Ranma was really a girl. Some weird magic like that koi rod or weird
Amazon potion or magical mirrors or any of a number of things could
have affected his mind. Or--
Of course. Knowing Ryoga, who didn't have a very good sense
of direction, he probably got lost and thought he was asking someone
else. Hmm... wonder who that could be? Well, after Ryoga realized
his mistake, he'd call off the date for sure, but Ranma had still
accepted, which put her one up on the trainee girl.
Akane was chuckling to herself as she planned to walk in on the
doubtless fuming pair when she froze at the door, hearing--
"So... Friday at seven, then?"
"Yeah. And Ryoga, be sure to dress nice, OK? I mean, your
traveling clothes aren't really date material."
"I know, I know. Lucky. Girls haven't any problem dressing
for something like this."
"A lot you know. I'm probably going to have to buy a whole new
dress just for this thing. I don't have anything right for a date,
you know, it hadn't really occurred to me that I'd actually BE on
one."
"Oh... well, this Friday. Ja ne?"
"Ja."
Akane slumped. She was going through with it. Kami, so was
Ryoga! And Ranma was planning to buy a new dress for it, and...
and...
Something was too weird for life here...
Not that that was anything new for Nerima, mind you, but the
weirdness was usually a wandering prince, aggravated demon, martial
artist of the week, or just plain paranormal insanity. THIS-- Ranma
and Ryoga on a date-- not a trick, not a plot, just a ordinary
date-- was WIERD.
When Ryoga left, she would confront Ranma and-- Ranma would say
that she was following up on the dare. Okay, confront Ryoga and--
he'd never be able to explain, he never WAS able to.
She had to talk to SOMEONE, though... but who? Nabiki? Not
unless she wanted this sold to everyone in Nerima. Kasumi? No way--
she'd nod, smile, and suggest a restaurant. Nodoka-- forget it?
Daddy? Mr. Saotome? Get REAL.
But then who... of course. Who else?
####
"AIYA! Lost boy ask Airen on actual date?!?"
"Akane-chan, that just doesn't make any sense!"
Akane nodded. "But he did-- and didn't back out. I can't see
why he didn't back out. Or why Ranma didn't, she should have...
it was just a game."
Shampoo hmmphed. "Just game to us, but to Ranma is challenge.
Ranma NEVER back out."
Ukyo mused for a moment, and added, "Might be something like
that with Ryoga also. He's stubborn as a boar, you know. Probably
figures if Ranchan is willing to go for it, he can't back out
himself..."
Akane sighed. "Why is it men are so stubborn even when they are
girls?"
The others nodded.
####
"So it's a pinch mom, it's definitely a pinch. I accepted
the challenge, but I never thought it would actually come to pass..."
"It is a peculiar situation, dear. But it's not as though
you're having any real feelings for the Hibiki boy, is it? More of a
game, really."
"Yeah, but what do I do? I've never been on a real date-- at
least one that wasn't ruined by some freak occurrence-- and I never
planned my first one with Ryoga of all people..."
"You do what any young lady does, Ranma. You dress nicely,
you have a good time, you be properly attentive to your escort,
and you never kiss on the first date." Nodoka smiled, teasingly.
"That last I didn't need to hear, Mom-- Oh, CRAP."
"Language, Ranma-chan."
"Mom-- the terms of the dare was a ROMANTIC-TYPE date!"
Nodoka paused. Thought. And then said, "Well, you can kiss him
on the cheek?"
"MOM!"
####
Before Friday, there's Thursday. Even in a place as squirrelly
as Nerima.
Ranma was at the Nekohanten, undergoing her Amazon training.
Strange, complex, unfamiliar moves and techniques that were vastly
unlike anything she was used to.
Being Ranma, she was taking to them like a fish takes to tartar
sauce-- that is, not exactly willingly, but, nevertheless,
very well. She didn't mind the Amazon garb that Cologne insisted
she train in, but she hated the hairdo and wanted very much to get
back to her preferred simple ponytail.
"Enough, son-in-- ah Ranma." It was difficult at times to
remember that Ranma's mother didn't accept Shampoo at the legitimate
fiancee, and since she WAS Ranma's mother... that put a crimp in her
plans. The opinion of a mother was sacrosanct.
Which was the problem. Her usual methods-- aphrodisiacs,
blackmail, etc.-- were no longer applicable. She had to somehow
win the mother over to her side.
Somehow, it had never occurred to Cologne that Nodoka would
disapprove. No mother in over a thousand years had disapproved
of an Amazon wife. In fact, they would often send their sons to try
to win one.
Well, if she couldn't have Ranma as an Amazon husband-- and
don't think she'd given up on that-- she could at least have her as
an Amazon, get her to promise to help the village if it was ever in
danger. Or perhaps Ranma would be the first of a new breed of
Amazons, for the twenty-first century. Japanese Amazons, who would
not have to hide in the depths of China to keep their traditions...
"I am curious, Ranma. Your choice of weapon is... not
traditional."
"I like it. It's effective, it's damaging, and it's
intimidating as all hell," grinned Ranma, hefting what Akane called
the Ran-mallet.
Cologne nodded. "There is that. But I think you should keep
up the bonbori practice also. Hmm... now, tomorrow evening, we'll
start on basic herbal techniques--"
"I can't, sorry. I have a date."
"A date? With Shampoo?" Hope springs eternal.
"No..."
"Oh, then with Akane, I suppose..." Hope then falls down.
"No, Ryoga."
Hope gets hit by a truck that's being driven by Astonishment.
"WHAT?!?"
After a short explanation, Cologne began to snicker. Giggle.
And fell off her staff laughing.
"My boy, only you could get in a scrape like that!"
"Hey, if he's on a date with me, he can't try to kill me, can
he? Besides, it's only this one time, you know. I don't like guys
like that!"
"I should hope not. Still prefer the feminine gender?"
"Damn straight-- no matter what shape I'm in."
"You know, Ranma, you may be officially unique in that respect."
"Huh?" Ranma took on a puzzled look.
"Why, you're probably the first heterosexual lesbian on Earth!"
####
"Now, there's something you don't see every day, Daisuke."
"What, Hiroshi?"
"Ranma in girl form wearing a Amazon fighting uniform and
chasing Cologne with a mallet."
"Oh. Well, I'm glad I don't see that every day, myself."
####
Eventually Ranma got tired of chasing the pogo-sticking
and hysterically laughing Amazon matriarch, and went home.
To some confusion. "Ranma, why are you dressed like that?"
"Cologne requires me to dress the part when I'm taking that
Amazon training, Mom. I don't mind the clothes, but I hate the
hair... so mind if I change first?"
"Go right ahead, Ranma-chan. But I'll go with you. I have a
present for you upstairs."
In Ranma's room, Nodoka started in surprise as Ranma, prior to
undressing, withdrew the Ran-mallet, two bonbori, and a somewhat
squashed cheese sandwich from her sleeves.
"Ranma... how did you..."
"Ancient Chinese Amazon Hidden Weapons Technique. Shampoo
uses it all the time, Mousse is a master-- even Cologne doesn't
know how he carries all he can-- and I'm still learning, I can only
keep it up for a couple of hours before it starts to itch. But I'm
getting better."
"I... see," Nodoka replied weakly. Every time she thought
her daughter/son couldn't surprise her any more, Ranma would pull
something new out of her sleeve. In this case, a mallet, two
bonbori, and a cheese sandwich.
"It's pretty useful. I think I can carry a couple of extra sets
of clothes and my fighting gear that way just in case. Did you know
Mousse carries a whole cooler in his right sock? That's what Cologne
says, anyhow."
"Fascinating..."
"Anyhow, what did you want to show me?"
Nodoka shook her head and tried to get back to reality--
or what passed for it in the Tendo household, anyhow. "Oh, it's
something for your date tomorrow. Just try this on..."
####
Akane walked up the stairs, musing. Voices from Ranma's room
caught her attention, and she knocked at the door.
"Come in," said Ranma.
And so she did. And gasped.
"Got to admit, Mom," Ranma continued the previous thread of
conversation, "This does look good on me. Poor Ryoga ain't gonna
know what hit him. Heh."
It did look good. In fact, it looked fantastic. It was a
dress-- blue, off-the-shoulder styling, graceful and elegant, with
a rose sash that was perfectly complementary and just enough cleavage
to make it sexy as the devil without enough to make it trashy or
vulgar. It was, in other words, perfect for a romantic-type
date.
Akane was trying very hard not to choke.
"Well, young Hibiki seems a nice enough boy when he's not
actively trying to kill you, dear. And since this is your first date
as a girl, I thought you should have a nice dress for it."
"Thanks, Mom... I think. And I can move in it too-- which is a
plus."
"R-Ranma, that's... that's a very nice dress?" wheezed Akane.
"Arigato, Akane-chan!" Ranma said in her best kawaii-'lil-girl
tones, and twirled. "If I'm going on my first and LAST date as a
girl, I'm going to make it a good one."
"First one, Ranma?" asked Akane.
"First one that wasn't part of a plan to get an advantage
over some psycho, anyhow."
"That I'll grant."
"Why, Ranma-- what are you talking about?" asked Nodoka.
"Aw, just a very difficult time when I thought I had a shot at a
cure. Trust me, I'll never go out with HIM again, and it doesn't
count anyhow. I'm not sure you could call Kuno a HUMAN at times,
much less a boy."
Nodoka thought back to what she had seen of Tatewaki Kuno.
"You're right, it doesn't count. Now, about jewelry..."
####
To be honest, Ryoga had half-hoped he'd get lost again. The
idea of going out with Ranma was beginning to prey on his
long-unravelled nerves.
More than once Ranma had tricked him with her female self.
She'd even once convinced him she was his fiancee, for crying out
loud! And he was going on a date with her KNOWING it was really
her? Him? Oh, this Girl Days stuff was beginning to drive him
crazy!
(Author's Note-- More than one person would consider this a
short journey anyhow.)
So, of COURSE, he wound up at the Tendo Dojo right on time.
While Ryoga was ushered into the main room and offered a cup of
tea by the ever-helpful Kasumi, Ranma was having a somewhat heated
discussion with her mother.
"Aw, MOM. He's here, ain't he? I'm ready, ain't I? So why do
I got to wait five minutes before I go down?"
"Anticipation, dear. You leave the young man waiting to build
up anticipation. When he sees you after a short wait, he'll be
struck breathless--"
"Mom, I don't want him anticipating ANYTHING, and he knows I'm
really a guy, so he won't BE anticipating anything, and the only way
I want him struck is usually with my foot in his face, and... and
this isn't really a date the way you seem to think it is."
Nodoka just smiled and nodded.
It may occur to the astute reader that Nodoka Saotome had, as
did others previously mentioned in these tales, a somewhat unusual
logic system. In her case, the idea that her son was also her
daughter, that the boy was also a girl, led to what was-- for her--
certain obvious conclusions.
One of these being that there was nothing wrong with her
daughter going out on a date with a nice (if occasionally homicidal)
boy. Perhaps the two might hit it off, and something greater would
grow from it.
For some reason, Nodoka didn't seem to consider the
complications inherent in her son/daughter becoming both a husband
and a wife. In other words, she was as loopy in her own special
way as any other major player in Nerima. She just didn't show it as
obviously except by the minor quirk of carrying a blanket-wrapped
katana around.
Well, she'd married Genma-- what can you expect?
Downstairs, Ryoga was sweating. Nabiki was peering at him with
ill-concealed amusement (By ill concealed we mean she was audibly
snickering and shaking), Kasumi was refilling his teacup with total
unconcern, and Akane... wasn't there. Soun and Genma, aggrieved
at the entire thing had gone out to do the only honorable thing they
could do. Get very very drunk.
(In charity to two great men, we won't go into their reaction
to the news of the date, save to say that Genma had sulked as a panda
for twelve hours and Soun had had to undergo rapid therapy for
dehydration due to his tears.)
After a short wait, there were footsteps heard decending,
and Ryoga looked up-- and nearly forgot to breathe.
Ranma was, basically, gorgeous. Her hair carefully styled,
free-flowing to her mid-back, a pair of dragon-shaped earrings
framing her face, and a job of makeup that should have been in a
museum. Nodoka may have been peculiar in her own way, but she knew
very well how to make a girl look GOOD.
For a moment Ryoga almost forgot that this was really Ranma.
Almost.
Ranma raised an eyebrow herself. Ryoga was clean, neat, and
dressed in a suit and tie. He looked, in fact, pretty darn handsome.
(Although Ranma had no attraction towards males, she had developed
the ability to know what 'real' girls considered good-looking--
and right now, Ryoga was just that.) She was actually impressed.
"Gotta admit, Ryoga, not too shabby. Guess this might not be
such a bad night after all."
"Ah... yeah. You look pretty decent yourself, Ranma. Well,
I guess we'd better be going, or something?"
"Sure."
And Ryoga did the single most difficult thing he had ever done
since the bakusai tenkatsu training...
He took Ranma's arm and led her to the street.
After that, for obvious reasons, Ranma did the leading.
####
Three rivals.
Three girls.
Three young suitors for the hand (and other parts) of one Ranma
Saotome.
Three people who KNEW that this so-called date was totally
innocent, meant nothing, and should just be shrugged off as another
case of weird male macho stubbornness.
But... just in case...
Three people who were, quite independently, planning to monitor
the date, for Ranma's safety, of course, they weren't going to
interfere, of course not, farthest thing from their minds, and
besides, if I don't keep an eye on them who will because I can't
trust the OTHER two to come to the rescue if Ryoga or Ranma goes
whacko...
This writer has said it before, and he shall say it again--
Chaos needs no recipe. But in Nerima, there's always an
ingredients list.
####
To be continued.
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