Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(And the crowd rejoiced at the disclaimer space.)
Part Eleven: Party!
####
There were aspects to Ranma Saotome's life that could be
considered unusual.
He turned into a girl with cold water, he had at least three
fiancees, he was regularly attacked by superpowered martial artists,
his father turned into a panda, he was the only known master of the
Neko-ken, and at the moment was wearing a dress. That he-- or rather
she-- had bought for herself.
Okay, damn near EVERY aspect to Ranma's life was unusual.
For example, Ranma and Akane were arguing.
This in itself wasn't unusual. The subject matter, however,
was.
"Akane, I don't care how much better you're getting in the Art,
you won't look right in my leathers, and that's not just because
they won't fit you!"
"Well, if YOU can dress like a tough girl, I can too! So I'll
just get some of my own! Daddy, will you STOP that?"
Soun was-- predictably-- bawling his eyes out. "WAHHHHHHH!
My little girl wants to be her husband!"
"I do NOT! I just want to prove to Miss Macho here that I can
be as tough as she can!"
Ranma sighed. "Look, I just don't think it's your style.
You're, well, more feminine than I am by nature," she said, resisting
the urge to add, (Not by very damn much, though!) "You should wear,
if challenged, something more, well, you."
"Like what?" Akane growled.
"Well... actually... I kinda thought about that already. So, I
got you something..."
"You... you did?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, you're my student, and that means you're
going to be challenged eventually, and well, I don't want my student
looking bad, right? So I just got you something..."
"Ran-- I mean, Sensei, that's... an honor." She'd wanted to
call it sweet. Or nice. But at the moment, she realized that that
might not be the best thing to say.
"It's nothing. Well, not nothing, but... aw, it's in my room.
Come on, let's see how it looks on you."
The two went upstairs. Soun started to calm down-- a bit--
reducing the usual floodgates to a mere trickle.
Kasumi came in, carrying a tea set and cookies. She'd heard
the discussion and suspected that they might be needed.
And as Akane came down practically glowing-- she gasped.
"Akane, is... is that proper?"
"Sensei says it works on me," Akane retorted.
And it did. Akane was wearing a sort of severely modified
version of one of Ranma's Chinese outfits. A yellow cheongsam-like
tunic-- fitting just as closely but slit up both sides, and only
reaching to the knee-- without sleeves over a pair of black tights.
The red sash at the waist added just the right accent. Of course,
a normal cheongsam doesn't have a v-neck that exposed a, well,
distracting amount of cleavage. Add to that a pair of Ranma's
bracers and a yellow sash around her head and Akane was, quite
frankly, looking both more dangerous and more sexy than she'd ever
had.
Ranma followed, in her leathers. "Ready to test the uniform,
student? Well, maybe after a cup of tea first."
"Hai, Sensei! Do I really look good?"
"I can say you've never looked better, Akane. In... in more
than one way." Ranma had expected the outfit to be effective,
but even she hadn't expected it to be as effective as it was. Female
she might be at the moment, but it was a definite male eye that was
appraising the girl.
(Okay. NOW she's sexy...) she thought.
After tea and a short rest to allow Akane to get used to the
rather close fit of her new uniform, the two repaired to the dojo
proper to do some light sparring. Nothing like the heavy training
that Ranma had been giving Akane recently-- well, Akane thought
of it as heavy, although she knew well that Ranma was holding back--
but more like airborne kata.
"Ack."
The two stopped to see Ryoga staring in a now familiar fashion.
Ryoga hadn't been at the fight that had introduced the ward to
Ranma's leathers, and since Akane had never worn her new uniform
until today, he certainly hadn't seen that either. Akane looked
like a somewhat modest Mai Shiranui from the Fatal Fury videos,
and Ranma looked like-- well, Ranma in skimpy and tight black
leather.
The results were a nosebleed. For once, Ryoga didn't pass out,
although there's no telling what would have happened if they had been
sparring in bikinis.
"A--Akane. What are you doing in Chicago?"
"CHICAGO?!?" blurted Ranma. "This is NERIMA! How can you get
the idea you're in CHICAGO?"
"I'm not?" Ryoga said with some disappointment. "Darn. That's
where I was headed. They have the greatest hot dogs in Chicago."
"How would you get there, anyhow?" asked Akane.
"Walking."
"How can ANYONE walk to Chicago?" demanded Ranma, unbelieving.
"Well, I've done it before. It's just outside of Osaka, after
all... isn't it?"
"I do not believe you," said Ranma, shaking her head. Akane,
dumfounded, just gazed. And went to check the family atlas on the
off chance that there was a Chicago outside of Osaka.
Oddly enough, there was. The mystery would continue...
####
Somehow it didn't seem to be a shock that Kasumi knew how to
make a Chicago style hot dog, had the materials to do so, and was
able to whip a couple up for the half-starved Lost Boy in less than
fifteen minutes. It should have been, but it wasn't.
Ryoga ate slowly, looking at Akane. Mainly because he couldn't
bring himself to look at Ranma. Every time he thought he'd gotten
used to the training that the redhead had been undergoing, something
like this would happen. It wasn't good for his nerves. Or, for that
matter, his blood pressure.
Then again, the snug and revealing outfit Akane had on wasn't
helping a lot either. Ryoga began to take an intense interest
in the caraway seeds that were mixed into the sauerkraut on his hot
dog.
"Ah... why are you guys dressed like that anyhow?" he inquired.
"Fighting uniforms. They're meant to distract the opponents,"
Ranma replied.
Ryoga thought about that. His nose began to ache. "I... I'd
say they'll work."
"Thank you, Ryoga," said Akane, feeling really flattered.
She sat up a bit straighter, which caused the tunic to tighten a
little bit, and Ryoga to almost choke on his hot dog.
(Ranma couldn't have planned this to embarrass me. Could she?)
He looked suspiciously at the girl in question, and almost choked
again. Ranma had chosen that moment to stretch-- arms above the
head, back arched, head back-- innocently, of course. She had just
come from sparring, after all.
Ranma didn't know that that was also one of the classic
sexy-as-hell poses that swimwear and lingerie models had been using
for years.
Ryoga urked. It might not have been intentional, but it was
disturbing. Also inflammatory. "Will you STOP that?"
"Stop what?" asked Ranma, in genuine confusion.
"Stop LOOKING like that!"
"I can't help how I look!"
"You're doing it just to bother me!"
"Doing WHAT?"
"Ryoga, what are you talking about?" asked a confused Akane.
She couldn't see anything that Ranma had been doing this time. "She
hasn't teased you or called you P-chan or anything."
"You feeling all right, buddy?" asked Ranma. She was wondering
if the lost boy had finally flipped.
"I'm going to feel fine when you stop doing that!"
"Doing WHAT?"
"THAT!"
"I am not going to continue a loony argument like this," Ranma
sniffed. She stood up, bent over to get her teacup, and accidentally
shot Ryoga a very good look at her cleavage. (Honest, it was an
accident!)
Ryoga angry glare suddenly glazed over. Then he slowly toppled
over.
"What's wrong with Ryoga?" asked Akane in sudden concern.
"I have NO idea, I never could figure him out, and I'm NOT about
to try," retorted a miffed and confused Ranma. She went upstairs
to change into something more normal while Akane tried to see Ryoga
had a fever. He didn't, but he did have another nosebleed...
####
"So, you have your costume for Saturday?" asked Ranma on the
way to school.
"Hai. And I'm really pleased with it too... I put a lot of work
into it. How about you?"
"Well, mine wasn't really that hard to make... but yeah, I got
it ready. Looks to be pretty decent." Ranma tossed her head, to get
a few strands of hair out of her face. It was a breezy day. "The
hard part was finding the accessories."
"Oh? What are you going as?"
"That's a secret. You?"
Akane smirked. "The same. You'll see Saturday night."
"Hmm... well, we're about there-- down from the fence, rapid
dash to the locker room, and to class on my mark-- now!"
One useful thing about the walk to school early on the fence
while wearing bloomers underneath the uniforms to get to the gym on
time was that there was less Kuno trouble. Today was an exception.
The true heir to the art of being a near total idiot was waiting
that morning. With a novel new approach.
"Fairest of women, oft have I granted you both roses as tokens
of my regard. Oft have you refused them, nay, even scorned them.
But at last have I, Tatewake Kuno, finally understood the reasons
for your rejections of my tokens of affection."
"You figured out that we both consider you an incredibly
annoying twerp?" sneered Ranma.
"Nay, for that is impossible."
"For once, he's right. He'll NEVER figure it out," noted Akane.
"It is obvious that my error was in choice of flora. Doubtless
you desire other, more exotic blooms! Sasuke-- the blossoms for the
blossoms of my heart!"
"Huh?" chorused the two.
And then they found themselves swamped by bouquets of lilies,
pansies, daffodils, orchids, daisies, forget-me-nots, honeysuckles,
chrysanthemums, and even a few wildflowers. Ranma and Akane found
themselves looking very much as though someone had grabbed a
florist's shop-- the whole thing-- and shaken it over their heads.
For a moment there was no movement from beneath the mound of
flowers. Then a red-maned head poked it's way out from between
some ladies-breath and some foxgloves. "Kuno. No. Baka."
And one supposes that we all know what goes here.
####
"I really really HATE that moron," fumed Ranma carrying her
traditional buckets. "Making us late with a stunt like that..."
"Oooh, you and me both," added Akane, also holding the hated
instruments of punishment.
"Shampoo want know if she can borrow stupid stick boy when is
time for Ranma to pummel him after school?" asked the Amazon
schoolgirl. Who was also in the hall, bucket wielding, for the sin
of tardiness.
"Why?" wondered Ranma.
"Shampoo wake up late but would have been on time. Stick boy
leave mountain of flowers on path, Shampoo's bicycle no slow down in
time. Crash because of stupid flowers."
"I oughtta sell the jerk to the Amazons as kitchen help,"
growled Ranma.
"Ranma take lessons from mercenary girl?" smiled Shampoo.
"Huh? What'cha mean?"
"Ranma get paid selling stick-boy. Then Ranma get paid again,
take stick-boy back."
Ranma and Akane both chuckled at the thought.
"What I don't understand is why Kuno isn't out here with buckets
too. HE was late also," sighed Akane.
"Look out the window."
Akane followed Ranma's direction-- and giggled to see Kuno with
a rake and broom cleaning up vast quantities of flowers. "Guess
that's fair enough."
####
Lunchtime arrived. As the now usual gang began to open bentos
(with the exception of the one grilling), Ranma arrived, glowering.
"Enzo again?" asked Sayuri.
"You know it. Damn, Kuno may be a jerk, but at least he tries
in some way to be romantic. Enzo just... Arrgh."
"What did he do this time?"
"The usual. THIS time it included a love hotel, seventeen
gallons of mayonnaise, and a walrus. Oh, and he wanted me to wear
Mickey Mouse ears. The code won't let me really hurt him... but I'm
not sure he's going to survive."
Akane gasped. "Ranma, you didn't--"
"Naw, of course not. But guess who overheard his proposition?"
"Who?" asked more than a few Helpers.
Then they saw a terrified Enzo fleeing from a screaming Kuno.
"You know, for giving me a break from pounding him, I'd almost
go on a date with the moron. Well, maybe I'll let him buy me a cup
of tea." Ranma thought. "Naw."
"Enzo hit on Shampoo also. What chocolate sauce and iguana
skin boots have to do with dating?"
As Yuka and Sayuri explained Enzo, the high school's biggest
pervert, to Shampoo, Ranma began to eat. Anger or no anger, food was
food.
Shampoo listened for a moment, uncomprehending, and then
suddenly flushed a brilliant red. "Shampoo skip lunch, go ahead eat
hers. HEY, STICK-BOY! SHAMPOO HELP!"
"I guess I'll be nice and not pummel him after school after all,
just dodge him. That's enough of a thank you... hey, good ramen."
As the Amazon joined in the chase after the terrified Enzo,
Ranma snickered. And then ate. Lunchtime as usual, really, at
Furinkan.
####
"So, you guys have costumes ready for the party Saturday?"
asked Ranma after class.
"Yup. And mine's going to knock your socks off, Ranchan,"
replied Ukyo. "I put a lot of work into it."
"Shampoo have good costume too. Bet no-one expect it."
"Well, we'll see when we get to the party. And I'm really proud
of mine," said Akane.
Ranma just smirked. Hers wasn't a slouch by any means...
####
"Bwee."
P-chan was not happy. As Ryoga, he'd planned to go to the party
if he could find a costume.
Cold water wasn't what he'd intended for a costume.
Akane came by, grinning. Her costume was perfect-- and Ranma
would have to admit that. Then she saw-- well, guess what happened
next?
"Oh, P-chan, THERE you are. I wish I could take you to the
party tonight... Hmm... P-chan, would you like to help me with my
costume?"
The little pig nodded. Although at the moment he couldn't
see HOW he could.
In a few minutes, he did. To his eternal mortification.
After a while, Akane came out, and displayed herself to Ranma.
Who began to freak out.
"c-c-c-c-c--"
"No, it's P-chan! Look-- see? Not a cat! P-chan!"
Ranma peered, and relaxed. "You-- you're right. Not a c-cat,
a pig. A... hey, you know that that character is a female, right?"
She began to snicker.
"Well, yes, of course. What's your point, Ranma?"
"Well, only that that's probably the first crossdressing
pig in history."
P-chan would have groaned. Or attacked. Or something.
But being in costume and held by Akane, all he could do was attempt
a piggy version of a meow.
"Bweeow."
It didn't QUITE work...
####
The Kuno Mansion. A hive of lunacy and insanity unlike any
other place in Nerima... well, actually, most places in Nerima were
hives of lunacy and insanity, but the Kuno mansion was a very NICE
hive of lunacy and insanity. Being rich had it's moments.
They were greeted by Sasuke, who was the only member of the
staff that anyone ever actually saw. The entire staff at the Kuno
estate were ninja, and had this fetish about not being seen. In
fact, even Sasuke hadn't seen the chief chef in six years, and no-one
was quite certain who changed the bedclothes any more... it just sort
of seemed to get done.
Ranma had been there a few times, but rarely of her own free
will. Only a sizable amount of cash and a much desired CD were
bringing her here tonight. Both she and Akane were wearing cloaks
to hide their costumes.
And as they entered the hall, and doffed said cloaks, there were
more than a few appreciative murmurs.
Akane had a damn near perfect Sailor Mercury outfit. Boots,
tiara, short as heck fuku and all. And as she had noted, yes, her
legs WERE good ones. It only helped that P-chan was wearing a faux
cat's tail, small extensions on his ears, fake whiskers, and a white
crescent moon on his forehead.
Yes, it was true, Ranma was right-- P-chan was technically
crossdressing. Instead of a boy pig, he was representing the role
of Luna-- a female cat. The only jarring note was the bandanna
(with the small combat cocktail umbrella hidden within) that Akane
had not been able to remove. Well, she'd been able to remove
twenty-six of them before she gave up.
Ranma, on the other hand, was a near dead ringer for the video
game heroine Lara Croft. Khaki shorts over a blue leotard, hiking
boots and a backpack, and even a toy automatic rifle and paired
waterpistols. She'd even gone back to her familiar pigtail for the
role.
"Wonder what the others are planning?"
"We'll see... hey is THAT Kuno? NOT what I'd expected,"
Ranma replied.
Kuno, she'd thought, would be on his usual Samurai kick. He
nearly always was. But not this time.
Instead, the familiar fedora, battered leather jacket,
bullwhip--
"I have to admit," Ranma whispered, "Kuno makes a pretty good
Indiana Jones."
"Lara Croft and Indiana Jones-- maybe you ARE a couple after
all?" giggled Akane.
"Do not even THINK of going there."
Nabiki chose that moment to arrive. She'd given long and hard
thought to her outfit. She had decided to wear something that no-one
would ever expect her to wear and that would attract the eyes of the
businessmen she hoped to make contact with.
And what would attract businessmen more than the classic Playboy
Bunny? Nabiki KNEW that she had the build for it, and wasn't afraid
to demonstrate the fact. Besides, much teasing potential was
inherent in the skimpy bodysuit and ears.
Shame? What was this shame thing? Besides, the outfit was
cheap.
"Hey, Ranchan-- what do you think?"
Ranma blinked. Ukyo was not usually given to feminine garments.
This was feminine-- but also had nearly as much attitude as Ranma
favored.
Leather skirt and bodice. Boots and armor. One unexpected
combination.
Ukyo, Warrior Princess. SOME people should not be allowed
to watch Xena... but on Ukyo it looked good. Ranma began to chuckle.
"Not bad, Ucchan... not bad at all. Although doesn't Xena carry
a sword instead of a spatula?"
"Hey, a girl's gotta go with her own nature. I wonder what--
I do NOT believe this."
That statement was prompted by Shampoo's entrance. Most people
had expected the Amazon to wear something very very revealing--
she usually did, after all.
Instead, she was dressed in a very demure outfit. Long robes,
complex trim, a new hairstyle--
"Do they have Amazons on Jurai?" quipped Ranma.
For Shampoo, who had decided that since Ranma wasn't responding
to her usual "be sexy as all hell" routine, had decided to be
ladylike. And who is more ladylike while still being a warrior
than Ayeka from Tenchi Muyo?
She bowed, carefully, and replied, "Shampoo not know, Lord
Ranma, but should have."
"Isn't that Lady Ranma right now?" smiled Akane.
"Whatever," replied Shampoo. "Ranma like costume?"
"Well... it's certainly a different look for you..."
"Shampoo thank."
"Got to admit, Ranchan, we're all kind of dressed in opposite
ways."
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
"Except her," sneered Akane.
Kodachi had made her entrance. And her costume-- what there
was of it-- was impressive. Tiny. Black. Skulls. Bikini.
Impractical as all hell.
"Well, she's at least got the laugh right," mused Ranma as
Kodachi descended the stairs in the classic Naga the White Serpent
outfit from the Slayers movies.
"And most of the attitude, and the lunacy, and the ego..."
added Akane.
"Bweeow," commented P-chan.
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "You got a smart pet there,
Akane-chan-- I think it's actually trying to mew."
"P-chan's a very very smart piggy, aren't you, P-chan?"
"For a pig, yeah," muttered Ranma.
"Shampoo not know crazy girl's outfit?"
"Slayers. Pretty decent show."
"Not look decent to Shampoo. Look indecent."
Giggles rippled through the group. Oh, and a snickering
"Bwee."
Others arrived. Some more outrageous than others. Oh, there
were the usual cowboys, singers, and the like-- but there were also
the more imaginative.
Yuka and Sayuri had decided that if Ranma could be daring,
they could-- if only for a costume party where it could be excused.
They made, with wigs to help, a fairly decent classic Dirty Pair.
Hiroshi and Daisuke, who would be the first to admit they knew
squat about any real martial arts, nevertheless decided to also
attend in matching costumes-- as Ryu and Ken from the Street Fighter
videogames/anime.
Take notes people, because this is going to be significant...
####
Cologne sat in the Nekohanten alone with Mousse, who hadn't
been invited and was needed at the restaurant anyway. Something
was preying on her mind-- something that she couldn't quite put her
finger on.
"Mousse, bring me the Crystal of Leng-Khao."
As the nearly blind Master of Hidden Weapons And The Occasional
Really Silly Object went to get the requested object, Cologne sat
nervously. It had been a long while since she had felt this
particular vibration in the aether. And it was not one she was happy
about.
Looking deeply into the crystal, the Amazon matriarch began the
arcane chant that would open it's scrying powers. The crystal began
to glow, faintly, revealing characters, words that would tell the
elder what she needed to know.
YOU'RE SCREWED.
She had hoped for something more detailed...
####
"Ah, pony-tailed-- no, flame haired-- no, it's pig-tailed
right now, isn't it? At any rate, overjoyed am I to see you and the
lovely Akane Tendo at my humble affair."
"Mrrph," replied Ranma, her mouth full of cake.
Akane sighed. Loon deflection time. "Kuno-sempai, I hope
you're not going to start getting demonstrative again..."
"Would that I could bask in thy beauty and allow you to
reciprocate by basking in my glorious manliness, but as the host I
must both mingle with the common crowd and keep my demented sibling
from inadvertently poisoning the guests. Or advertently, for that
matter. But fear not, for later I shall have proper opportunity
to grant you both my undivided attention."
"Um, Kuno," asked Ranma, swallowing, "if there are two of us
doesn't that mean your attention will _have_ to be divided?"
Kuno blinked, in mild confusion. Then the kendoist went off to
ponder this puzzle.
"Not so bad a move," commented Nabiki. "Almost worthy of me, in
fact. He'll be working that one out for at least five minutes."
Ranma nodded over a glass of punch. "Food's okay too. Tried
this cake yet? It's good."
"Hai-- even P-chan likes it." Akane smiled at her pet who was
daintily eating the confection in question. P-chan may have been a
pig, but he wasn't a slob-- usually.
"Of course, these pork buns are pretty good too. And these rice
balls. And the meatballs. And the dim sum. And the--"
"Ranma," wondered Nabiki out loud, "Do you ever think of
anything but eating and fighting?"
"Sure. There's sleeping."
Nabiki groaned. She wasn't QUITE certain that Ranma was joking.
####
"Stupid oracle." Cologne glared at the crystal in aggravation.
"Could you possibly be more specific?"
YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED.
"That's not telling me anything helpful..."
SEVERELY SCREWED? MAJOR SCREWED? SCREWED BEYOND BELIEF?
It is a little known fact that in the Amazon dialect of Chinese
there are no less that sixty-two ways to call someone or something
a moron. Cologne ran through them all twice in three and a half
minutes.
####
"You know, the number of people hitting on Ranma's been pretty
light tonight."
"Well, maybe some boys are getting a clue."
"Or maybe it's because there's a rumor that the guns are real."
Hiroshi and Daisuke nodded to each other. Then they went to
strike up a conversation with Yuka and Sayuri, who looked very nice
in the Dir-- ah, Lovely Angels costumes.
####
Cologne had just created a sixty-third way to call someone
or something a moron when Mousse passed by and said, "Maybe you
should ask it why we're screwed?"
"Mousse, you idiot. Oracles don't work that way. You have to
use arcane and careful methods to extract the required information.
You don't just tap the thing and say, 'Hey, Mister Crystal, just
exactly WHY is it we're screwed?' If we could... do... that..."
BECAUSE A SOMEWHAT INSANE WIZARD NAMED FRED YERFBURGER,
FROM PILLOW CREEK MINNESOTA, POPULATION 237, IS IN NERIMA RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY VERY STUPID WITH THE LOST AMULET
OF IMPRESSIONS AND CAUSE A SEVERE REALITY INVERSION. YOUR ONLY HOPE
IS A GROUP OF YOUNG BUT RATHER ILL-DISCIPLINED MARTIAL ARTISTS THAT
ARE AT THE MOMENT DRESSED IN A WIDE ARRAY OF COSTUMES AND ENJOYING
SOME RATHER FINE PUNCH AND FOODS.
OH, AND BY THE WAY. YES, YOU SHOULD GIVE DUCK-BOY A RAISE FOR
THIS. YOU NEED ALL THE GOOD KARMA YOU CAN GET.
Cologne decided to use one of Ranma's techniques at that moment.
And Mousse was treated to the remarkable sight of the Amazon beating
her head against the table.
Then she gave him a raise. And dashed off to a certain party.
####
Many people consider the arcane temples of China or Tibet to be
the greatest sources of mystical knowledge. Others speak in hushed
tones of the bayous of Louisiana where dreaded voodoo priests dwell.
A few will mention the lost ruins of Tanis in Egypt, or the strange
and hidden places that lie beneath Stonehenge. Still others mention
such dreaded places as Phoenix Mountain, or the citadel of the Musk
Dynasty. And a few-- very knowledgeable, very wise, and very
afraid-- speak of Arkham, Massachusetts and the dread library of
Miskatonic University.
For some reason no-one seems to know about Pillow Creek,
Michigan, which just happens to have the highest per-capita ratio
on the planet of wizards, witches, sorcerers, magi, and the like to
those who are classed as not being such. In fact, the only "normal"
person there is Earl Gillespie, and he runs the combination
gas station, convenience store, and post office.
Population 237, of which 236 are magically active in one way or
another.
And in that small town, seemingly like any other small town,
there's the required town jerk. You know, the guy who nobody likes?
The one with a chip on his shoulder for no apparent reason? Well,
in this case it was Fred Yerfburger.
Fred's chip was because he wanted to rule the world.
Now, to any serious practitioner of magic that is clearly
stupid.
First, because cosmic law won't LET a wizard rule the world--
something or someone always stops you before you can cast the last
rune, and then it's be cut down by the barbarian time, or be shot by
the dashing hero time, or get your butt kicked by some martial artist
whose name probably begins with R, ends with A, and is an
aquatransexual time. (This is called foreshadowing.)
Second, because even if you DID rule the world, the time it
would take to administer it would take time away from the arcane
studies that magi like so much.
And third, because in the honest opinion of most real mages,
it's a lot more gratifying to kick back with a sixpack and a cute
nature spirit, watch "The Witches of Eastwick" and poke fun at the
errors, and cuddle a bit.
In other words, once you become really enlightened into the true
meaning of the universe and master it's eldritch powers, you realize
that it's no big deal after all, and just settle for kicking back
with aforesaid cute nature spirit and conjuring the occasional
Budweiser.
REAL wizards are a pretty laid back bunch, in general.
Fred was an exception. He didn't like beer, he wasn't that fond
of study, and he was determined to prove that Cosmic Law was wrong.
Fred was powerful, Fred was capable, and Fred was a nutball.
Fred wasn't, however, stupid. Try to start taking over the
world at home and he'd get dogpiled by 235 really pissed off
magically active people who would be very angry at his interfering
with their beer-conjuring and nature spirit cuddling. Plus Earl
would be hitting him with that damn mallet he'd bought from a
Japanese importer again. (Where the hell did Earl KEEP that damn
thing, anyway?)
No, THIS time he'd go to a far off land where he would find
little or no opposition. By the time any of his neighbors had
figured out what was going on, it would be too late, and he would
be able to shape the world to his liking.
And he had the perfect place to start-- a quiet, ordinary
place in Japan called Nerima.
Hmmm. On second thought, maybe Fred WAS stupid.
####
The party went on. That's what a good party does, and even if
it WAS being held by the Kunos, it was a pretty good party.
Kuno himself had decided to research what the common people
did for fun. To his surprise, poetry readings, samurai epics, and
listening to him proclaim his personal greatness wasn't on the list.
However, eating, drinking, dancing, and something truly fascinating
was.
The fascinating thing was a novel idea called karaoke.
Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Tatewake Kuno was
actually aware of a personal shortcoming. He knew that he couldn't
sing. He was painfully aware that he would have a hard time carrying
a tune.
In fact, he'd have a hard time dragging a tune in a bucket at
the end of a heavy chain attached to a four-wheel drive pickup truck.
IF the bucket was helpfully strapped to a skateboard.
But that didn't mean that the paired angels couldn't sing for
him... and he'd thusly gone and purchased a BIG karaoke machine
with a LOT of songs, the lyrics albums, and a wide screen projection
video system for atmosphere. He looked forward to what he knew would
be songs of gentle love and precious romance emitted from the voices
of the angelic Akane Tendo and the girl who kept changing her hair
all the time but was a fiery tigress after his heart anyhow.
The problem was that said fiery tigress wasn't cooperating.
"Akane, I don't wanna sing no songs."
"Ranma, you've got a great voice as a girl, and you know it.
Besides, everyone else is."
"I ain't everyone else," complained Ranma, forgetting to talk
like a proper girl. "Besides, I just know there ain't a song in
there I'd like anyhow."
"You can look, can't you?"
"I guess..." Ranma knew that Akane wouldn't let her off without
at least one song. "But you go first."
Akane blinked. "Well... I don't know about THAT..."
"I won't unless you do."
"Okay, fine. I'll sing and then you sing. Deal?"
"Deal."
Akane went to look for the songbooks, and started thumbing
through them. Ranma turned to the crossdressing piglet, and asked,
"So, P-chan, which song are you gonna sing?"
"Bweeow," replied the pig, giving Ranma a dirty stare.
Ranma chuckled. And then noticed to her personal horror that
Akane was mounting the stage that Kuno had set up, microphone
in hand, and talking to Sasuke who, rather than his accustomed
ninja garments was wearing a sort of sequined DJ outfit.
(Kuso-- she IS gonna sing something, and that means I'LL have
to sing something, and... Kuso.)
And at that thought, Akane started to sing the annoyingly
appropriate "Moonlight Densetsu".
And, in fact, she wasn't bad.
(I'm impressed. Hmm... I have to find a song that's me...
something with attitude...)
As Ranma started to thumb through the songbooks, P-chan thought
of a simple plan to embarrass her. The transpig might not at the
moment be trying to kill the girl in training, but there wasn't
anything wrong with making her look like a fool. All he had to do
was to sneak up to the karaoke setup, pull the sound cables, and
instant silly-looking Ranma.
The pig began a stealthy approach to the stage.
Ranma chose her song. Perfect.
The pig began to approach his target.
Ranma took the microphone, and said, "I really should be wearing
a bustier and miniskirt for this song, but..."
The pig, who was right in front of one of the speakers, froze.
No. She wasn't going to sing--
We digress here for a small explanation. Ranma, although
it's not noted in either the anime or the manga, sings in the shower.
And it's always the same song, and it should be played loud. And
Ryoga/P-chan knows this.
Ranma nodded to Sasuke, who turned up the volume. After all,
this song needed to be loud.
And the redhead went into a very very spirited rendition
of "Konya Wa Hurricane".
Also a very very loud one.
Everyone enjoyed it immensely except a half-deafened
pig.
Who was blown halfway across the room by the speakers.
It is fate.
####
The wizard named Fred approached the mansion. Ah, here were
where the ley lines intersected. Here was the place to use the
Amulet of Impressions. Here he would cause chaos by bring the inner
nature to the outer surface.
And surely the inner nature of most were weak, so he could
easily master the world.
Insert patented Evil Laugh #174 here.
####
"Wow, Ranma, that was great!" enthused Yuka.
"Yeah! Maybe you should form a band!" agreed Sayuri.
"I didn't know that you could sing that well," added Hiroshi.
"You wiggle really nice when you sing, Ranma," said Daisuke.
Two Lovely Angels and one Street Fighter bapped Daisuke before
Ranma could.
"Such a moron. You don't think you could give us another song?
I mean, you DO sing well," Hiroshi said. "If you ever wanted to, you
could be an idol singer, for sure."
"You ever seen what they make idol singers wear?" retorted
Ranma. "No WAY am I going on stage in one of those lacy dresses.
Why do you think I chose Konya Wa Hurricane?"
"Because it's what you sing in the shower in the locker room
every day?" quipped Akane.
"Hey, I like the series, I like the song. And I never had the
right voice to sing it until the Girl Days training... well, didn't
want to admit it anyway. I guess I like to sing."
"Hey, Ranma, if I can get you a blonde wig, a miniskirt and a
bustier, will you sing it again?"
"Dai, you WANT Ranma to get medieval on you?" asked Hiroshi.
"I dunno... I would look good in that outfit... but no. I don't
think so," Ranma smiled.
"Besides, where would you find a Priss costume anyhow?" asked
Yuka.
"I was just asking..."
"You were just being a pervert," Sayuri retorted.
"Hey, there's nothing perverted about a guy wanting to look at a
pretty girl in a miniskirt! Now, a poodle costume, THAT would be
perverted," Daisuke countered.
There was a long pause.
"You've been talking to Enzo again, haven't you?" asked Ranma.
"Well... only to try to save his life before you kill him..."
replied Daisuke, weakly.
"Besides," Ranma said, to divert the imminent death of Daisuke,
"I don't have such an outfit, and neither does anyone here."
"Such is not a problem, fire-haired goddess," came a really
really unwelcome voice. "Indeed, we have a complete set of almost
any garment that either you or the fair Akane could ever desire to
wear in your sizes. Although, I fear, I have not such a wig on
hand," Kuno said.
"Why the HELL would you have-- no, never mind, I really don't
want to know," sighed Ranma.
"Dare you," grinned Akane.
Ranma gulped. Somehow this seemed familiar. "Don't wanna."
"Aw, it would be so cute, Ranma," put in Sayuri.
"Don't wanna."
"You'd be the hit of the party," Hiroshi noted.
"Don't wanna!"
"We could sing backup for you," added Yuka.
"Don't Wanna!!!"
"Personally, sugar, I'd pay money to see that myself."
Ranma gave Ukyo an accusing glare. "Don't WANNA!"
"Lady Ranma not afraid?" asked Shampoo, grinning. She was a
closet BGC fan, and would love to see this.
"You TOO? I DON'T WANNA!"
This went on for a while. The inevitable result was that Ranma
found herself with a change of costume, unbound hair, and on stage
again.
(Where in HELL did Kuno get a perfect dupe of the Asagiri outfit
from episode one anyway?) grumbled Ranma internally, as she began
to reprise the number--
And something really really stupid happened.
####
Fred cast his spell.
Unfortunately, he didn't get it quite right.
His intent was to bring the inner nature to the outer surface.
Instead, he bought the outer surface to the inner nature.
For most of the people in the area that meant absolutely
nothing-- on a purely spiritual level. But to a pack of costume
partygoers...
Cologne arrived exactly seventeen seconds too late. She stared
in shock as buildings appeared from nowhere, wildly mismatched.
A van grew from nothing nearby. So did an Aston Martin, circa the
mid Sixties. On the roof of the Kuno mansion a conveniently
placed spaceship appeared.
And Cologne could only think of one thing to say...
"Oh, shit."
####
to be (
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