Girl Days
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(You know, I'm beginning to run out of silly disclaimer
jokes.)
Part 13: Giant Worshiping Crisis Battle To Determine The Fate
Of Man! (But unlike some fanfic, strangely without a tragic death.)
####
When you talk about fundamental universal forces, people bring
up things like gravity, electricity, kinetics, and the like.
Somehow they miss the most powerful of all--
Irony.
For example, it's fairly ironic that the single greatest threat
to the stability and safety of Earth was not an extradimensional
demonic force ala Queen Beryl, or an invasion fleet from another
star like the Gamilons, or a gigantic monster such as Godzilla,
but rather a sort of redneck-type named Fred Yerfburger.
It's also ironic that the main defense against said redneck
wasn't a heroic magical girl team, or a crew of self-sacrificing
young people on a starship, or a single lone brilliant scientist,
but a ragtag group of frankly weird as hell martial artists who at
the moment weren't feeling quite themselves. Because in a very real
sense they weren't.
Maybe it's not irony. Maybe it's just that Kami-sama likes a
really good joke as much as the next embodiment of a cosmic
principle.
Whatever it is, it was about to go into overdrive.
####
"We know where he's set up."
In situations like this, leaders emerge. True, they usually
aren't dressed in a bustier and miniskirt, but they do emerge. And
as so often before, Ranma Saotome was somehow the leader.
Kuno thought he was the leader, actually, but everyone else knew
different. Besides, it seemed that Ranma was probably the closest
to being normal.
Normal at the moment was a very relative term. Ranma was
usually a very easygoing sort, but right now she was exhibiting
a stubborn streak and a uncharacteristic temper. It was probably
her usually strong sense of personal identity that hadn't subsumed
her totally in the role of Priss Asagiri.
Compared to the unusually meek Akane, the rough talking Kuno,
the elegant and demure Shampoo, the highly belligerent Ukyo and
Konatsu, the bizarrely suave Gosunkugi, the oddly female Mousse,
the sudden martial arts pair of Daisuke and Hiroshi, the downright
dangerous pair of Yuka and Sayuri, and the technically perfectly
normal for her but bound and gagged Kodachi, there really wasn't
much else in the arena of choice.
"The problem we have," continued the trainee girl turned rock
star and Knight Saber, "Is that he's probably already setting up some
sort of citadel, according to Sailor Mer-- ah, Akane's readings.
Cologne and Mom agree. We're going to have a tough time of it,
because anyone who can do something like this is going to be
powerful, and we don't have an army or anything--"
"Actually, we do," interrupted Luna-P.
"What? Where do you figure that?"
Luna-P merely pointed a paw. And Ranma realized that she had at
her beck and call tons of sentai heroes, cowboys (complete with
working six-shooters and horses), samurai, magical girls, mecha
pilots (complete with mecha), superheroes, newly empowered videogame
martial artists, and even the bleeding Dirty Pair.
"Um... I don't think it's fair to ask them to risk their lives
in this--"
"Try and stop us," yelled a cowboy. "Me and my pals wanna show
that there gaijin critter a good old necktie party, and every one of
us can shoot the wings off'n a fly at fifty paces!"
"Same here! I'm itching to use these Esper powers!"
"Hai! Our honor requires that we do battle!" yelled a few
samurai and videogame characters.
"I got a MOSPEADA and I ain't afraid to use it!"
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"
Heads turned at the last. Nabiki, the new take on the term
"Bunny Girl", stomped up in her high heels and snarled past her
adorably cute pink nose. "I'm coming too! And don't try to talk me
out of it, Saotome--"
Here the author inserts an explanation. Most people think of
rabbits as cute peaceful creatures-- unless they have read Watership
Down.
DOMESTIC rabbits may be that way, but wild rabbits can be quite
belligerent, fight ruthlessly, and are pretty tough for something
on their link of the food chain.
And Nabiki, who would normally stay back and say that it's not
her problem, was at the moment in full blown berserk wild rabbit
mode.
"Nabiki," Ranma said reasonably, "You can't fight-- not really.
You haven't trained in years. You don't even have a weapon."
"Fine! Any of you have a spare weapon?"
Mousse stood up. "No problem." And to the amazement of most
(not all, but damn near) she casually pulled out from her fatigue
jacket a pistol belt and handgun. That was followed by a bandoleer
of extra clips, an assault rifle similar to the one she was carrying,
three grenades and a combat knife. "Have fun."
"Still the master-- or mistress-- of hidden weapons, I guess..."
Ranma murmured as Nabiki changed from bunny girl to heavily armed
and lethal bunny girl.
Someone punched up "Girls with Guns" on the karaoke machine
and was dogpiled immediately thereafter.
"Well, okay. It's your tail."
"Damn straight-- and I want to get rid of it!"
"That knife looks sharp..." Another dogpile.
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Now... we have to figure
out how we're going to do this, since we have more combatants
than I thought..."
####
Fred was not happy. For some reason, he couldn't take over the
mind of ANYONE in Nerima. Since he was destined to rule the world,
this did not make sense.
Well, there were always other ways to skin a planet. The simple
creation of massive amounts of minor golems to do his bidding and to
spread fear and terror amongst the no doubt disoriented populace
was something he COULD do. That, at least, the massive amounts
of magical energy could be bent to.
And he could even create a few giant monsters to add to the fun
and begin his campaign against, oh, China or Russia. THAT would be
easy.
Jkkrlps, Fred's demon familiar, was shaking her head. She was
bound to a loser, she just knew it. Story of her not-exactly-a-life.
Where other demons were properly hideous (as in the case of the
Lords of Hell) or seductive (as in the case of the Succubi and
Incubi) or strangely disturbing for reasons no one can put their
fingers on (as in the case of Bill Gates) She was... was...
Kawaii.
Oh, the shame of it. Where others had fearsome batlike or
dragonlike wings that dripped in decay and menace, she had something
that was vaguely batlike but seemed to evoke the image of a
butterfly. Where a succubus would be properly voluptuous and dressed
in either diaphanous silks or scant leather and chrome, the best she
could do is a girl-next-door prettiness and an outfit not unlike
that of a magical girl. And she was about as disturbing as a well
shot photograph of a puppy and a kitten or a really really fresh
piece of cheesecake with strawberries.
Tjbndf was not a happy demon at all. And to top it all off, she
was bound to the ONLY sorcerer she knew of who didn't like beer. And
brother, she could use a beer.
"Master," Ktjhsf said, uncertainly, "What are your plans now?"
"Well, the usual backup. A mass of faceless minions to
terrorize the populace, and a few large monsters. That I can do,
anyway. If I didn't know better, I'd think the folks at home were
behind this cockup."
"Oh, I am certain they aren't, Master." (I'm certain it's your
own incompetence.)
"At any rate, it won't be too much of a problem. What could
go wrong?"
Outside, there was an ominous roll of thunder (tm).
####
The massed forces of Team Nerima moved out.
And we are talking SERIOUS massed forces here.
One problem would have been communications, but Luna-P had
solved that.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
"Man, how many of those communicators do you HAVE?" asked
Ranma, honestly impressed.
"I don't know, but we need as many as we can get," panted a
tired Luna-P. "I also have a few extra computers, about a hundred
henshin sticks that probably won't work because no-one here's reborn
from the Silver Millennium, three spare seifuku, a copy of the Sailor
Moon RPG and Resource Book, about a ton of roses of various colors,
and a cheese sandwich. I don't know why that's in there."
"I just wish they weren't so girly," complained Kuno.
"Look, these things were designed for magical girls in the first
place, you expected black enamel and chrome? Pink and rhinestones
go with the package, whip-boy."
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
"What'd ya pop that out for?"
"I got hungry," Luna-P retorted, starting in on the cheese
sandwich.
####
"See? There goes my great giant monster! There goes my
masterpiece of fear and terror! There goes... goes... goes..."
Fred boggled at his scrying crystal.
"There goes your great giant monster being dogpiled by three
giant robots. A Gundam, a Valkyrie VF-17, and what looks like a
female Mazinger. If I'm not mistaken, oh great and powerful master,"
Ggkqql said dryly.
"You're being sarcastic or something, right?"
"I wouldn't DREAM of it, dread lord."
"Oh, that's all right then." Fred scowled. "Hmm... looks like
my minions aren't doing very well either. I didn't know they had
cowboys in Japan."
"It's a rather advanced nation, oh powerful one," Hghhlk
replied.
"What are those?"
"Samurai, if I'm not mistaken. Well, samurai, half of a sentai
team, and someone in armor on a motorcycle. But your forces are
holding them back, more or less. Certainly you have time to finish
taking over Japan."
"Good. Then the world after that."
Ptyllkk blinked. "The... the world?"
"Yep. Gonna take over the world."
"But cosmic law prohibits--"
"Gonna break that law," grinned Fred.
Ctlmmrt shuddered. To take over a nation was possible--
in fact, rather simple. But the world--
No WONDER things were going wrong.
She wasn't bound to a loser after all. She was bound to an
idiot. And she couldn't get away from him.
"Oh, nice dress, by the way. The pink lace and the yellow
ribbon go nice together," added Fred.
An insensitive idiot at that. Why her?
####
Kasumi paused. There had to be at least twenty of the things.
Ugly as sin, and not nearly as moral. She'd faced challenges
in her life, before, but this was likely to be the biggest ever.
Didn't matter. She was the best at what she did.
She grinned, flexed her fists, and popped her claws.
And in a downright feral tone, murmured, "Oh, my..."
Because what she did was...
####
"What are those idiots DOING?!?"
Llshyq was boggled herself. "I... I think they are having a tea
party with a mutant?"
####
...Was make people feel right at home.
"Another cup of tea, Minion-san?"
The faceless minion nodded. So did a few others.
"Glad ya like it. My own blend, y'know. You guys ain't bad for
a bunch of faceless creeps-- no offense intended, but that doesn't
seem like much of a way to live your lives."
A squealing grunt.
"Oh, really? Guess you ain't exactly alive at that. Glad ya
accepted my invite though... would have hated to have to dice you
guys up, but you know how it is."
Nods. And a pack of ferocious faceless minions went back to
their tea cookies. One got slapped upside the head by another for
forgetting to use the doily.
####
"Infiltration team one, are you in position?"
Infiltration Team One was Kuno and Gosunkugi, chosen because
if there were two people who were known for getting into places where
they were not meant to be, it was Indiana Jones and James Bond.
"Team One ready," Gosunkugi drawled in his now cultured tones. "All
we have to do is figure out how... will contact as soon as
determination is made."
"We should have KNOWN his base was here," sighed Kuno.
"Rather agree with you there, old chap," nodded Gosunkugi.
It was changed, as most of Nerima was. Taller, spikier, gothic
as all Hell (in an almost literal sense), it looked like a cross
between a Universal Studios Dracula castle and something out of Demon
City Shinjuku with a fair amount of Vampire Hunter D tossed in for
seasoning.
But it was still recognizable as Furinkan High School.
"The problem we have, Professor Kuno, is how exactly we are to
get up to that top window. Hmm... let me see what I actually have
here..."
Kuno's patience was wearing thin. His fists began to clench
in frustration, his eyebrows knit. Idly he fingered a whip in one
hand and a bokken in the other. "I still say that we should just go
into the front door."
"That's for the heavy assault people, old chap. We're supposed
to be taking the high route. Now, how do we get up there..."
Kuno leaned over to complain. He should have watched his elbow.
CLICK.
"WHAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHEIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"
Gosunkugi watched the now rocketing Kuno, who had accidentally
triggered the ejection seat. "Not quite how I would have done it,
but it seems to be working..."
Kuno's opinion was different. After the few obligatory
thoughts of "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die", Jones-type
instincts took over. Almost without thought his bullwhip snaked
out at the peak of his flight, snagging the arcane looking spire that
had grown out of the belltower. Easily he swung over to the
belltower-- and smashed into the side full-face.
After a quiet "Ite", he found a rope in the tower and lowered
it to the secret agent below. He then helped said agent up, dusted
himself off, and hit Gosunkugi with his bokken, snarling, "Why didn't
you TELL me you had one of those things?"
"OW! Stop that, and you didn't ask! Now, we have a mission!"
Kuno glowered, but nodded. The two infiltrators proceeded
into the halls of the enemy.
####
Infiltration Team Two was based on technological capability.
That meant Ranma and her hardsuit sensors, Akane and her Mercury
tech, and Mousse and Nabiki as added firepower. In other words,
they were doing the noisy entrance bit.
"Scanning doors. Hmm... some sort of energy field, but my
sensor arrays aren't giving me an ID. Damn, why didn't anyone dress
as Nene? I could have used the interpretation..."
"It wouldn't have worked, Ranma. My visor shows that this is
actually magical in nature, and you're probably only picking up the
residual atmospheric effects resulting in a low level static
electrical charge."
The other three stared at Akane and chorused, "Huh?"
"Never mind, it's... Where'd Luna-P go?"
"I haven't seen him since we passed Ucchan's..." noted Nabiki.
Akane started to look worried. "I hope he's all right, he's not
used to being a cat or actually thinking..."
"I agree with both," Ranma consoled, happy that the
pseudo-Senshi couldn't see her wild smirk under her helmet.
Mousse suddenly stiffened, and wheeled about-- and froze. "I do
NOT believe this."
For there was Luna-P, speeding down the street, followed by a
HUGE pack of girls dressed in the distinct junior high-school
sailor fukus of the fictional Juuban Junior High. In fact, there
were even a few guys in the boys uniforms of the same series, looking
slightly confused, and sporting new and eccentric hairstyles.
"Okay, Mister Meow, what's going on and where have you been?"
demanded Ranma.
"It was WIERD! We got about a block from Kuno's when I saw this
girl looking confused and I KNEW that one of those pens was for her!
So I hopped off Ranma's cycle and-- I couldn't stop myself!
"And it kept happening! Over and over and over-- couldn't
go three feet without hitting another one! There's even about a
dozen GUYS who are probably going to pull a Starlight! I didn't
even KNOW I had those headsets! There were also another thirty-three
guys who I passed roses to, but they all said they'd be there when
the time was right. I think it's a Kamen thing."
Ranma looked at the pack of schoolgirls (She recognized
Miss Hinako with her hair in rabbit-style Odangos and shivered)
and schoolboys, and shook her head. "All right, you're under
Mercury's command. As soon as we figure out how to get in."
"Solved," Akane said. "It requires a precise application
of magical energy and kinetic force applied simultaneously."
"And how do we do that?" asked Mousse.
"Simple, really," replied Akane.
Then she raised her hand together, went into a sort of twirling
dance, while water collected from nowhere to form--
"Naw, it can't be," moaned Ranma.
But it was.
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"
And as advertised, a HUGE hammer made of sub-zero water SLAMMED
into the front gates of Furinkan High, reducing them into powder.
"Mercury Ice Mallet?" said Nabiki, disbelieving.
"It was effective," replied Akane.
"Mercury Ice _Mallet_ ?" Mousse added, in shock.
"Look, it was perfectly simple, and satisfied the criteria
for entry--"
"MERCURY ICE MALLET???" Ranma demanded.
"If you LIKE, I can show you again!" Akane said with some of her
old asperity. "It worked. Let's get inside."
"After we get past them," noted Nabiki. Them being a flood of
Faceless Minions.
A LOT of Faceless Minions.
Like, five hundred or so. Fred may not have been able to do
what he'd originally planned to do, but there was no faulting his
ability to churn out Faceless Minions. Rita and Zedd would be
envious.
Before Ranma could even note that with all the firepower
they had there were just too many she was cut off by a sudden
simultaneous chant of--
"Sol/
Sun/
Earth/
Terra/
Gaia/
Io/
Callisto/
Fill In any known Moon/
Fixer Star/
Smoocher Star/
Eater Star/
Arcturus/
Sirius/
Ludicrous/
Ceres/
Athena/
Hephasteus/
Small Inoffensive Asteroid Without Even A Name Just A Number
But It Is Technically A Heavenly Body So it MUST have A Senshi/
Power--"
And the team covered their ears (except Ranma, who cut in her
helmet audio dampers) to survive the thunderous cry of-
"MAKE UP!"
It was a good thing that they were all-- technically--
girls there, because some hundred simultaneous near-nude henshins
would have sent any male into shock and a nosebleed.
Wait, there was a male there.
Akane carried the stunned Luna-P inside, wondering where the
cat's nosebleed and shock had come from.
Meanwhile, a huge pack of Sailor Senshi (and about a dozen
Starlights clones) happily went Faceless Minion bashing.
####
"What is THIS?"
"Um... looks like your castle guard being attacked by about a
hundred cheerleaders."
"Never mind. No one can actually get inside."
####
Inside, Kuno and Gosunkugi were making their way to the back
doors of the mutated school.
There had been some complications. Well, actually there had
been a downright silly number of deathtraps.
Elegant trigger mechanisms, cunningly concealed tripwires,
complex puzzles requiring fluency in Sanskrit-- both written and
spoken-- and the occasional hidden bottomless pit all fell victim
to the skills of Indiana Kuno.
"It's too easy," said the aforementioned kendoist/archeologist.
"These are snaps."
"You have a definition of 'snap' that I suspect isn't shared
by the rest of the human race," said Gosunkugi, sweating a bit.
"Look, this clown is supposed to be some evil mastermind,
right? You'd think he'd set at least ONE trap that would challenge
the Blue Thunder."
Gosunkugi paused. "Um... I rather hate to bring this up, but
isn't it something of a tradition in the Indiana Jones movies that
at least once a trap will be set off and apparent certain death is
imminent?"
At that moment, distracted by Gosunkugi's question, Kuno stepped
an a nearly invisible trigger-stone.
CLANG! went the iron portcullises that trapped them in the
corridor.
GRIND! went the walls as they began to close in.
"OUCH!" went the not-so-secret-agent as Kuno began swatting
him, snarling, "You HAD to bring that up, didn't you?"
####
Infiltration Team Three was the people with sharp pointy things.
Well, Ukyo, Konatsu, Soun and Genma the Swashbuckling Panda were
using sharp pointy things. Nodoka was using a lightsaber, which is
neither sharp nor pointy but still has a similar effect.
The Faceless Minions were doing a very good imitation of a
lawn. That is to say, they were being mowed down.
A couple of bystanders were watching with hearts rolling around
in their eyes, two girls that hadn't been changed into something
dangerous. No, they were perfect ordinary Macross type bridge
bunnies.
"He's so... dashing."
"Yeah... I've never seen anyone so romantic and agile..."
"What a man!"
There was a pause.
"You know, technically he's a panda."
"I'm not prejudiced."
####
"Damn!"
"We're going to die, aren't we?"
"Damn!"
"You can't think of a way to stop this?"
"Well, if I had a one centimeter cube of impact triggered
plastic explosive, I could! But where the hell would I get that?"
"Why didn't you say so?"
With that, Gosunkugi removed his cufflinks, broke them, and
began to knead the goo inside together...
####
Team Four was pretty much whoever was left over. Rather than
infiltration, they were to create as much of a distraction as
possible.
With Yuka and Sayuri blowing things up in the schoolyard,
Daisuke and Hiroshi tossing Hadokens like they were going out of
style, and Shampoo casually wreaking havoc with her swarm of tiny
bonbori, distraction was, as happens so often in these chronicles,
an inadequate term.
It didn't hurt that about a hundred Sailor Senshi, a dozen
Starlights, a pack of howling cowboys, a half dozen neo-Amazons,
three Mospeada riders, one esper, and various samurai, sentai heroes,
and whatever else could possibly be thrown into the mix were all
going to town on the Faceless Minions. From time to time a rose
would fly in from nowhere.
All these people were having lots of fun. In fact, in the ward
of Nerima, almost everyone was having lots of fun. About the only
exceptions to the having lots of fun was a certain wizard and his
servant demon.
####
Speaking of which, the not-having fun wizard was trying
desparately to figure out exactly where his brilliant plan had gone
wrong.
"What IS this? Nerima is supposed to be a pinnacle of peaceful
living and mild mannered people!"
"Ah, great and terrible master," Zmsrrt asked uncertainly,
"Just how do you know this information?"
Fred tapped on a book. "It's a guidebook to Japan. Bought
it off Amazon.com, like my other books. That's why I didn't attack
that Amazon village like I'd planned at first. See? Nerima--
a pinnacle of-- " Fred flipped a page-- "Peaceful living and mild
mannered people. It says so right here!"
Wpptfhr looked at the text and frowned. "Um... Dread and
powerful lord, I think two pages are stuck together here."
Fred blinked. "Hmm... you're right. Let's see... Oh, damn."
"What does it say now?"
In a shaky voice, Fred read aloud, "Nerima-- a pinnacle of
lunacy and chaos only rivaled by-- well, actually, we don't know
anything it's rivaled by. Highest per-capita concentration
of super-powerful martial artists on Earth. Highest per-capita
concentration of just plain but insanely skilled martial artist on
Earth. Highest per-capita concentration of martial artists that
practice martial arts that no sane person would even contemplate
learning.
"Known for exceedingly numerous incidents involving long lost
magical items (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten), magical princes
seeking brides (See-- Tendo Dojo), unexpected property damage(See--
Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), unusual marriage complications
(See-- Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), paranormal events that
defy belief (See-- Tendo Dojo), shapeshifting martial artists of
really ridiculous power (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten, Furinkan
High School, Chicago), and nearly certain failure for any wizard
who is so damn stupid as to try to attempt to use this area as a
staging point to try to take over the world ( See-- Oh, hell, you
know by now)..."
Fred paused, and took on a thoughtful expression. "You know,
it's just barely possible that this choice of venue might have been
somewhat ill advised."
"Ill-- THAT'S it, I'm OUTTA here! My contract doesn't cover
sheer insane stupidity! Ignoring Cosmic Law, that's one thing, but
THIS-- Freddy boy, you are on your OWN!"
With that, the kawaii demon went poof. No way was she going
to suffer any more at the hands of this moron. The worst that could
happen to her in the Hells for breach of contract was a few millennia
of agonizing torture and tentacle duty. As far as SHE was concerned,
that was preferable to this... this baka.
(Actually, she was commended for her good sense and given a
cushy desk job cataloguing youma. Hell may be evil, but it ain't
stupid.)
####
Meanwhile, back with the Dynamic Duo...
"I can't believe you had plastic explosives in your cufflinks."
"Standard equipment, really. Oh, and slinging that cube with
the tip of your whip into just the right place was inspired, if I may
say so."
"Aw, think nothing of it. Just another triumph for the Blue
Thunder, y'know. Hmm... now, assuming he follows the normal plans
of the typical world-conquering wizard..."
"He should be that way."
"I'm impressed, Gosunkugi. An archeologist would know that--
well, the kind I am, but why would a secret agent?"
"A secret agent wouldn't. A practitioner of the Dark Art of
Voodoo, however..."
"Point taken. Let's go."
And they did.
####
In an effort to initiate crowd control, Team Four was doused
by Faceless Minions with waterhoses. This had no effect, really,
except to make everyone rather angry and redouble their efforts
to cause major chaos.
Except in the case of Shampoo, who vanished into her Juraian
robes. For a moment, there was no movement, and then a bedraggled
cat-sized mass began to move to the neck opening.
It was white with pinkish-purple highlights, as expected.
That was all that was expected, though.
"That's not a cat, is it?" asked Daisuke from in between
Hadokens.
"Don't know what it is, personally," said Hiroshi during a set
up for a particularly vicious Shoryuken.
"I do," commented Sayuri, tossing a Bloody Card and taking down
three Faceless Minions. "Maybe this can help us."
Yuka just kept shooting things. She was getting WAY too deep
into her role.
And Shampoo looked up with a pitiful "Miyaaaa..."
####
Inside the main corridor of the school Team Two met up with Team
Three. "You guys all right?" asked Ranma.
"Fine," replied Nodoka. "We're all fine."
<>
The OTHER swashbuckler nodded at the impeccably calligraphed
sign. "Certes, could any adventure do otherwise? Especially
in a noble cause such as this!"
Akane stared.
"The only thing I have any problem with," continued Nodoka,
"Is all those girls making eyes at my husband. If it weren't for the
Jedi Code, I'd--"
<> flip << well that ne'er would I betray you, dearest heart.>>
Nodoka blushed herself.
"You think we can keep at least our fathers the way they are
after this?" whispered Akane.
"Somehow, I doubt it. But it's worth a thought..." replied
Ranma.
"So, do we take him down now?" asked Ukyo.
Ranma nodded. "Team Nerima-- SANJO!"
There was a pause.
"Why did you say that?" asked Mousse.
There was another pause.
"I... have no idea."
####
Fred stared at the empty space where his demon no-longer-servant
had been. Things were falling apart far too fast for him to adjust.
It was almost as though the universe itself was conspiring against
him.
Could there, after all, actually BE something to that Cosmic
Law stuff? Was there actually some enigmatic force that denied his
natural right to become the god he knew that he was destined to be?
Did the possibility exist that he might actually fail?
Nahhhh. Couldn't be.
It wasn't as though anyone could actually GET to him, after
all... his arcane shields were impenetrable. In fact, the only thing
that could cause them to breach would be a focused impact of combined
magical and kinetic force delivered simultaneously.
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"
Whoomp.
Fred staggered as the last of his shields crumbled. The psychic
backlash was excruciating. And then he saw them. As motley a crew
as he could have ever imagined-- more than he was actually capable
of imagining, in fact.
Fred began to back up, realizing that things were getting WAY
out of hand. "Look, I don't know who you are, but it's impolite
to interrupt a wizard when he's trying to conquer the earth. I'd
always heard that the Japanese were polite people..."
The armored figure strode to the front of the pack. "You have
got to be kidding. You think we're gonna just let you barge in and
rewrite our reality? Mister, you are in for a world of hurt. Two or
three in fact."
"Only if you can catch me!" Fred dashed to his secret escape
door-- a standard for every well-stocked evil world conquering
wizard-- and froze as it opened on a dashing fellow in a tuxedo with
a Walther PPK and a scruffy type with a sixgun and a big stick.
"How... How did you..."
"Pal, right now the Blue Thunder ain't in the mood for your
questions. My friend here's got a licence to kill, and I at the
least got the right to maim severely."
"Now LOOK," protested Fred, "This is just plain silly! Even if
there IS something like Cosmic Law, it doesn't work like THIS!
There's supposed to be some sort of dramatic confrontation,
not dogpile on the wizard!"
"Dogpile on the wizard. Sounds just fine to ME, by Crom," noted
Konatsu.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"You DO realize that your actions are both dishonorable
and unmanly," Nodoka commented.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"Such ill actions may not be ignored, foul caitiff!" Soun
proclaimed.
<< Indeed, thy punishment is inevitable! >> signed
Genma-Swashbuckling-Panda.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"For your crimes against the people of this ward, I will punish
you in the name of Nerima!" Akane speechified.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"I think we get the point, Nabiki," muttered Ranma.
Fred began to sweat profusely. Even accepting Cosmic Law, he
would have expected at the most two, maybe three heroes. But this
was...
A giant pink crystalline spike slammed through the wall with a
grating crash and a thunderous "MIYAAAAAA!" In a glitter of light,
two Street Fighters, two Lovely Angels, and about fifty of the Legion
of Substitute Senshi appeared.
As for the guys in tuxedos with the roses, who KNEW where they'd
come from?
"TOLD you she could do it. Where's the wizard?" asked Sayuri.
Fred began to panic. This was INSANE! SAURON hadn't had THIS
kind of hassles! He had to do something fast... Ah.
And Fred began patented Evil Laugh #27-- I Have A Card Up My
Sleeve, Cretinous Fools.
"I still have a card up my sleeve, cretinous fools!" Fred said,
redundantly. "Face your deepest fears!"
The words that Fred said came out very fast-- too fast to stop.
They were in a language that no-one had heard in millennia. And a
darkness crept into every mind there...
For all save one, the Deepest Fear wasn't a clear image.
Instead it was a vague, amorphous thing, crawling up from the psyche
like a sickly banana slug from a well filled with decaying moss.
No-one could then, nor ever would be able to afterwards, put that
experience in words. For what you think is your deepest fear is
nothing next to that which lies within the hidden corners of the
soul.
For all save one.
Fred smiled, darkly, as the massed defenders collapsed,
gibbering. A dangerous spell, since he could also have been caught,
but he'd done THIS one right. Now... odd. The one in armor wasn't
writhing in horror on the ground, but... crouching?
"Meow."
Of course, sufficient trauma at an early enough age can
overwrite what normal human instinct defaults to as a deepest fear.
And the fear spell had gone straight past the Priss overlay into the
pure, unadulterated Ranma.
"PFFFFST!!"
The Neko-Ken is a fearsome, almost unstoppable technique.
The Neko-Ken in a hardsuit is just plain ludicrous.
Fred barely teleported away alive.
####
When Ranma came to her senses, the throne room was a wreck.
The others were standing, or kneeling, looking sick.
"Amulet this is. Honors do, Ranma?"
Ranma raised her visor, and looked at Cologne. "What... what
happened?"
"Neko-ken it was, although cats there were not. Amulet this is.
Know you do what must be done."
Ranma nodded. And then raised a railgun, and aimed...
####
Like a rubber band that had been stretched a bit to far, and
then released, reality snapped back with a vengeance.
####
Ranma finished her second rendition of "Konya Wa Hurricane"
to applause, and stepped off the stage. For a moment, she had a
strange feeling of Deja Vu, but it didn't last. She just went back
to the party.
Reality had done it's best to return to normal, but there were
a few minor discrepancies.
Gosunkugi wondered where his cufflinks had gone.
Shampoo had the strangest desire for carrots.
Akane was considering taking Computer Science as an elective
next term.
Ukyo kept suppressing the urge to yodel.
Kodachi wasn't sure why or how she was bound and gagged, but she
wasn't happy.
Kuno decided to subscribe to Archeology Today.
At the Nekohanten, Mousse found himself thumbing through a gun
magazine.
Cologne was trying to figure out WHY she was looking at the
Crystal of Leng Khao. Well, couldn't have been important...
At Ucchan's, Konatsu was contemplating quaffing an ale. He
wasn't certain what quaffing was, but it sounded good.
Back at the dojo, Kasumi wondered why she had this bad tobacco
taste in her mouth.
####
And in Pillow Creek, Minnesota... or Michigan... or wherever
the magical town had decided to relocate this week...
"We ain't too happy with you, Fred. Did you think we wouldn't
have sensed such a disruption?"
"You got that right, Paulie. We're gettin' a bit tired of your
antics."
Fred looked at his fellow townspeople, and quailed. "Aw, come
on, guys... I didn't mean nothing by it..."
"No use, Fred. You got to be punished. Earl?"
"You got it."
Fred whimpered. "No, not after that crazy meowing girl, not
that..."
"FRED NO BAKA!"
WHAM!
"Hey, Earl, what was that?"
"Been taking Japanese lessons. Means Fred's an idiot, but has
more impact, you see?"
"Oh. Sounds about right to me..."
####
Author's note:
Sorry to all those who wanted me to make some weird permanent
changes in the cast... but that was never my intention. Besides,
that would have been silly. Well, the wrong kind of silly, IMNSHO.
It's taken a while to finish this chapter-- after about six or
seven false starts describing a long, dramatic battle against a
powerful wizard, I realized that I was writing Girl Days, not Hearts
of Ice. (Which I love, BTW. Perry-san, hurry up! ^_^) So I went
for my usual string of pointless but amusing (hopefully) gags.
Hope it worked.
Kenko/Robert (
geocities.com/tokyo/teahouse) (
geocities.com/tokyo)