* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Two
"Kuno Strikes! The Blue Thunder of Furinken High."
* * *
"School?" asked Ranma blankly.
His father pushed his glasses further back on his nose and sat
languidly. For him that meant standing upside down on his head
with his legs crossed in the air. "Well, we *are* going to be here
for a while..." said Genma.
"Yeah, 'cause we've got nowhere else to stay, pop," Ranma
complained as he kicked his father into the pool.
Nabiki walked past them. "Yeah, it's the same school Akane
and I go to, so I'll see you there! Ta-ta!" She left, whistling
as she calculated that day's expected profits. Akane came rushing
out after her.
"Nabiki, wait up! I'll go with you!" She stopped when she
saw Ranma in the hall. They both frowned simultaneously.
Nabiki's voice carried to them from the yard. "What are you
talking about, Akane? He's your fiance, you should walk him to
school!" Akane glared at Ranma. Ranma glared back. It was going
to be one of those days.
"Well?" she asked.
Ranma looked up. "Well, what?"
"Well, aren't you coming?"
Ranma crossed his arms stubbornly. "I'm not ready yet!" he
complained. Genma, in panda form, held out Ranma's school bag to
him. Ranma dodged what he thought was an attack and then angrily
grabbed the bag, muttering darkly under his breath. Akane stared,
eyes wide. Ranma turned to her again. "Besides, I always go with
Ranko."
Ranko skipped around the corner. "What's this? Do I hear my
name being used in vain?" she inquired sweetly. Ranko was always
a late riser.
Akane came out of her daze and turned to her. "Oh, you know
Kuno?" she asked.
Ranko stared blankly back at her. "What's that supposed to
mean?" she asked, puzzled.
Akane frowned. "I guess not. You sure sounded like him for
a second there." Then she pointed back at Ranma and his father.
"Say, what's with the panda, anyway? You two break into a zoo or
something?"
Ranko pursed her lips. "Hey, bro, didn't anybody tell her
about pop?"
Ranma just shrugged. "How should I know? And why're you
asking *me*, Sis?"
"Yeah!" pointed out Akane hotly. "Why *are* you asking him?
It's not like we're really gonna get married or anything!" Ranko's
eyes opened wide for a split second.
"So who wants to marry a tomboy like you, anyway?" replied
Ranma hotly. Ranko's eyes opened even wider.
"WHAT?" yelled Akane. "Who are you calling a tomboy?"
"Do you see any *other* goofy-looking girls around here?"
asked Ranma rhetorically, probably inadvertently saving his life.
Akane smiled. "Yep! Right there!" She pointed straight at
Ranko.
Ranma's jaw stayed open. He shut it with a click. "Uhh..."
he said wittily. Akane smirked. Ranko started to simmer. Luckily
for Ranma, his sister's wrath was aimed at Akane. He'd been on the
receiving end of her anger far too many times for his liking.
"So you *admit* to being goofy-looking yourself, Akane?" asked
Ranko.
"What?" asked Akane, caught off guard.
"He said 'other', as in, 'any more'. Of course, it takes one
to know one." She flashed all her teeth at Akane.
Kasumi walked down the hallway past the trio. "Oh, hello
there. Don't forget your lunches! Have fun on your first day of
school, you two!" Ranko wondered how the Tendo girl managed to
blithely ignore the fact that the three were about to kill each
other. Or at least cause grievous bodily harm. She wondered if
Kasumi had been hit on the head as a child.
Akane grabbed Ranko's arm in a fair imitation of A-ko. "Ack!
School!" she yelped, suddenly realizing the time. "Come on! We're
gonna be late!"
"Whoops," said Ranko as she was pulled out the door.
Ranma stared. "Hey!" he cried. "Wait for me!" He ran after
the two girls.
Ranko tried dislodging her arm from Akane's hand. "Um,
Akane?" She nearly tripped over a stone. "AKANE?" A little old
lady splashed the street with water, missing Ranko by a hair.
"AKANE!!" she yelled. "I CAN RUN BY MYSELF!!" Akane glanced down,
realized the problem, and let go. Ranko fell forward into the
ground. Ranma tripped over her and landed on top. The two got up
and jumped onto the fence top, surprising Akane.
"Well, c'mon, we can't wait for you," said Ranko to Akane.
Akane realized she'd stopped running at the incredible sight of the
two running on top of the fence. "We can tell you about pop as we
go." Akane glared holes in her. "Oh, c'mon, you're not gonna pull
that on me, are you? Don't tell me you're still angry?" One look
at Akane's red face answered her question for her. Well, either
that or she was really out of shape. Or both. She sighed and the
three teens made their way to school without further conversation.
Akane noticed the twins were quite the pair--mischievous,
having fun, and most of all, excluding her. In a way, "quite the
pair" seemed like an understatement--Akane had never seen two
people act like the two of them. They were running on the fences,
occasionally turning to each other to laugh at something they both
found funny, and not bothering to explain to Akane what it was.
Once in a while, they'd switch positions in mid-air, without so
much as a by-your-leave. Akane began to wish they would fall off
and break their necks. If nothing else, maybe it would teach them
a lesson. She was getting rather irritated at the pair. Ranma
looked down--for a change, she noted disgustedly--and grimaced,
seeing her scowl. He hopped down beside her, and soon all three
were running at ground level again.
"So how much of last night's explanation did you miss?" asked
Ranko.
"Father and Mr. Saotome didn't really explain anything to me,
except that you've been training in China," explained Akane.
Ranko pursed her lips. "I see...okay, well, that's a good
start, I guess. Anyway, you were asking about the panda?" Akane
nodded.
Ranma chimed in. "Well, that's pop." Akane stopped. Both
twins continued on until they realized they'd left her behind.
They turned to look at her, curious.
"That...panda...is your father?" she asked, somewhat stunned.
Ranma shrugged. "Pop took us to some kind of cursed training
ground in China, Jhusen-quack...no, wait, that's not right...
Jhusenkyou? Close enough. He fell into this 'spring of drowned
panda,' Shonmaoniichuan or some weird Chinese name like that. Now
he's a panda whenever he gets hit with cold water, and goes back to
normal when he soaks in hot. We're not a hundred percent sure
about lukewarm yet."
Akane looked at him with disbelief. "Really? You're not
pulling my leg?" she asked.
Ranko grinned. "Well, actually, lukewarm water just makes him
stay in whatever form he's already in. We found that out in the
bath house."
Akane glared at her. "That's *not* what I meant," she said.
Then a nasty, suspicious look crossed her face (1). "Wait a
second. Did anything like that happen to you two? Am I engaged to
a panda?"
Ranko tensed up, but Akane failed to notice. Ranma just
shrugged and said teasingly, "Did *you* see either of us walk in as
pandas?" He grinned at her. "Well--actually, I was nearly cursed
too," he added on as an afterthought, "but Ranko saved me." He
turned and smiled at his twin.
She dug him in the ribs again and grinned. "Hey, you might
not be so curse-free after all," she said jokingly.
"Huh?" he asked, puzzled. "Whaddaya mean?"
She pointed at Akane. "Just look at the kawaiikune fiancee
you're stuck wi--hey! Akane! I was just kidding!! "
Akane smashed her over the head with her book bag. "AAAUGGH!"
screamed Akane as she lashed out with her bag. "I hate you, I hate
you both!" Ranko wondered if Akane was serious--but Akane always
seemed to take everything personally. Ranko kept running, just in
case.
Akane chased them down the street as they ran towards school.
Ranko barely managed to get in a jibe as she ran at full speed.
"Methinks the girl doth protest too much!" she gasped.
Akane stopped. "You *do* know Kuno!"
Ranko looked back at her blankly again. She realized Akane
had stopped chasing them and slowed down. Ranma looked back at
her. "Hey, what's wrong? You give up already?"
Akane bared her teeth. "Not a chance. But I have to save my
strength for the others."
Ranko frowned. "The...others?"
Akane grit her teeth. "The...boys!"
Ranma skipped a step. "Boys?" he asked. "What about them?"
"I hate boys! I *hate* boys! I...HATE...BOYS!!" she
screamed. Simultaneously, the school bell rung 8:30 (2).
(1) Nabiki would have been proud of her.
(2) Japanese school starts at 8:30 am, unlike most North American
schools which start at 9:00. In Utopia school starts at 11:00, on
the one day it's open annually.
* * *
The three ran into the schoolyard. Ranma absently noted they
were not alone. Other students were also running to school late.
Then he noticed something. They weren't running towards *school*,
they were running towards *them*! He and his sister realized this
at the same time, giving little exclamations of surprise before
jumping up to fence level and safety. Akane just put on more speed
and charged through them.
"Get out of my way, I'm *late*!" she yelled, her flailing book
bag bringing down opponent after opponent.
The Saotome twins sat on the school fence as they watched yet
another Furinkan High student get thrown to the ground. They
exchanged glances. "Think we should help her?" asked Ranma.
"I'm not so sure I want to get in the middle of that,"
admitted Ranko somewhat nervously, looking at the body of the
fifteenth challenger of the morning, a football player who was now
hanging from a tree branch. They both looked up at the school when
Nabiki called their names.
"Hey! Ranma! Ranko! What are you doing down there?" Ranko
pointed at the melee without saying a word. "Oh, don't worry!"
called Nabiki. "That happens every day! You'd better hurry up or
you're going to be late!" The twins exchanged glances again, then
hopped down. Akane was almost done beating the mass of schoolboys
into the pavement, anyway.
The two flanked her as a sudden blur caught their attention.
Ranma grabbed Akane and threw her to the ground while Ranko reached
out and grabbed the flying object. It turned out to be a rose.
Ranko looked at it blankly. Ranma looked up from where he lay on
top of Akane. Seeing it was safe, he turned back to Akane. Her
face was red, and not from exertion. "GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERT!!"
she screamed. Ranko covered her ears and winced. Ranma got off
Akane as if she were on fire (1). Akane picked herself up and
brushed herself off, deciding to give Ranma the benefit of the
doubt. For now, at least.
"Truly, such a boorish lot," came a voice from the shadows.
"To think that they could defeat you. But they too shall--what?
Hark! What trickery is this? Do mine eyes deceive me? Thou art
not my love Akane. Who art thou, maiden, and why dost thou stand
between me and mine? Surely such a slip of a girl would never seek
to incur my wrath for a trivial reason." Ranko could see the
figure now. It was some boy dressed in an outdated kimono,
carrying an absurd wooden stick. Oh, wait, it was a bokken. Same
thing. Akane walked up to the two of them.
"Kuno-sempai (2)," she said in flat tones. "I should have
guessed." She turned to Ranko, who was still holding the rose in
her hands. "Stay out of this or you're gonna get hurt!"
Ranko bristled. "Oh yeah? And why're you being so nice all
of a sudden, huh? You planning on cheating on my brother with this
jerk?" Akane whirled on her furiously. Ranma silently thanked
whoever was listening that it was his sister and not him on the
receiving end of Akane's cold stare. Kuno waved his bokken between
the two girls, diverting their attention back to him (3).
"You there, black-haired girl!" he demanded, gaining the
attention of the entire female population of Furinken High (4).
"You're being awfully familiar with Akane! Who are you?"
Ranko shrugged and opened her mouth. "I'm--"
For the second time in less than a day, she was cut off before
she could finish. It was really beginning to get to her. "Ah, but
is it not the custom to give one's own name first? Very well! I
am the undefeated captain of the Kendo club, the rising new star of
Furinkan High, the one they call Blue Thunder!" He raised his
sword into the air, and twin strokes of lightning crashed down
nearby.
Ranko looked up at the sky worriedly at the sound of thunder,
seeing the gathering clouds. The boy finished with a flair, a
sword slash down to a guard position. "Tatewaki Kuno, age
seventeen." He looked up arrogantly only to catch Ranko looking at
the clouds. His audience wasn't even paying attention to him!
What insolence! What sheer insult! But Kuno was nothing if he was
not honorable (5). He would not strike her down when she had her
back turned to him. That would not be honorable. Not to mention
the fact that she looked so *cute* like that. Kuno wrenched his
thoughts back to reality (6).
Ranko turned back to him. Yes, the clouds were definitely a
little darker than they were ten minutes ago. "That's nice. Um,
I'm Ranko Saotome, and I'm sort of staying with Akane for a while.
Look, I gotta run--"
Kuno stepped forward. "You have intercepted my gift to Akane.
Dost this mean that you intend to challenge me? Very well! I
accept! And if you win, I will allow you to *date* with me!"
Ranko's eyes crossed as she digested this spurious logic. Distant
thunder echoed across the field. She shuddered and started edging
towards the school nervously. Kuno stood in her path defiantly,
bokken raised towards her in challenge.
Ranma walked up to Ranko. "Hey, Sis, what's taking you so
long? It's gonna rain soon!" He cocked his head to one side. "Oh
yeah, and you're gonna be late," he added as an afterthought.
Ranko positively *beamed* at him. "Futago-kun!" she squealed
happily. "This is Kuno. Kuno, this is Ranma. He's my chosen
champion. Look, I gotta go, 'kay?"
Ranma blinked. "What?" he asked wittily. Ranko grabbed
Akane's hand and ran towards the school. Ranma started to follow,
about to demand some sort of explanation, when a bokken thrust out
in front of him.
"Cur! Very well, I will accept you as the lovely Ranko
Saotome's champion. And if I defeat you, I will date with her!!"
Ranma put a hand to his head. Oh, boy. He could see why Ranko
wanted him to beat this guy. He was unbelievable!
He cracked his knuckles. "Okay, Kumo, you asked for it," he
grinned.
Kuno attacked with a sharp battle cry. "That's Kuno, insolent
dog! For that insult, you shall pay!! (7)"
Ranma easily dodged the blow. Behind him, a small tree fell
down, cut cleanly through its trunk. Wait a second--weren't
bokkens made out of wood? Ranma stared at the tree for a moment,
but he was too experienced in battle to be distracted for long. He
drew on his father's training in the school of Anything-Goes
Martial Arts. Faced with a sword he ran towards the swordsman, not
away from him. This surprised Kuno to no end. He attempted to
skewer Ranma with a thrust, but he had already gotten too close and
it was a rather ineffectual attempt. Ranma kicked him in the face
with both feet before jumping over him and spinning around. Kuno
fell to the ground, stunned.
Ranma smiled. "Hey, that wasn't so bad. Man, Ranko must be
slipping if she was afraid of this jerk."
He was promptly drenched as the rain started to pour
wholeheartedly down on him.
(1) Well, not exactly. He didn't roll on the ground afterwards
and then turn an extinguisher on her. Although he was tempted.
(2) '-sempai' means 'upperclassman' or 'senior' and is used as a
term of respect in any organization that uses seniority as a form
of prestige (sports teams, businesses, etc).
(3) This, by the way, is not a good idea, especially with two
angry martial artists. Don't try this at home, kids. We're
trained professionals. Kuno, on the other hand, is a self-made
idiot.
(4) Kuno used "black-haired girl" only because his mighty
intellect was stuck for another name to call her by.
Unfortunately, Kuno was a product of the "hairstyle" school of
thought, which was, for some reason, only endorsed by the principal
of Furinkan High, Kuno's father (8).
(5) In other words, he was nothing.
(6) Or, in his case, his own private little dream world.
(7) 'Kumo' = 'spider'. 'Kuno' = 'nine abilities'. Interestingly,
'Kuno' can also be written 'incompetent' (which helps to explain
the joke used in the second episode of the real series).
(8) For those of you fortunate enough not to have met Principal
Kuno, he ran away from his loving children, Tatewaki and Kodachi,
to continue his vacation--not his career, his vacation--in Hawaii,
where he found the One True Path. The One True Path seems to
involve planting palm trees in your head, wearing flashy shirts and
saying outdated American slang and--especially--cutting everybody's
hair. Ranma particularly disliked this habit of the Principal,
especially after Principal Kuno attacked him with garden shears.
* * *
Ranma stood in the hall and grumbled angrily under his breath.
He'd been late because of that stupid fight. And he was soaked
now, too. He'd have some sharp words with his sister when he saw
her next.
The door slid open, disappearing along with Ranma's thoughts.
Ranko came out of the classroom carrying two buckets of water.
"Hey, bro. Thought you might be getting lonely, so I decided to
come and join you." Ranma snarled at her by way of response. "Oh,
c'mon," she said, irritated. "Look, I'm sorry already. I didn't
*have* to come and keep you company, you know."
Ranma gave her a look of patented mistrust. "Yeah, right.
What did you do, really?"
Ranko stuck out her tongue at him. "Nothing! I grabbed two
buckets and snuck out while the teacher's back was turned. Hey,
what's the worst he can do--send me out in the hall to carry
water?" She gave him an impish grin.
Ranma shook his head. That was his sister, all right. "So
why'd you set me up with that guy, anyway?" he demanded.
She shrugged a little uneasily. "The, well, oh c'mon, you
*know* why." Ranma looked uncertain, then nodded his head. She
kissed him on the cheek gratefully, then looked around guiltily.
"Did you win?" she asked.
"Against him? Man, I'd've had to be a baby to lose!" said
Ranma. Ranko sighed unhappily. "HEY!!" yelled Ranma. "Are you
telling me you *wanted* me to lose??"
Ranko looked at him with a guilty expression. "Well--look at
it from my perspective. If I won, I got to 'date with him'. You
know how I feel about that sort of thing." She idly fingered the
rose that she still kept, twined now in her school uniform.
"Funny, that's not what he said to *me*," said Ranma slowly.
"Something like, if he beat me, he won the right to take you out."
Akane jumped into the conversation, spooking both twins.
"That's Kuno for you, all right." Both Saotomes spun to see her
looking at them. Her expression very clearly showed she wasn't
impressed. And was more than a little annoyed. Ranma jumped half
a foot into the air while Ranko gulped audibly.
"How...how much of that did you hear?" she asked Akane.
"What do you mean by that?" Ranma asked simultaneously.
Akane turned to Ranma. "Dealing with Kuno is a lose-lose
situation. The only real way to deal with him is to knock him out.
*I've* been able to do that without any help long before *you*
came," she ended, looking purposefully at Ranko, who squirmed.
Turning fully to her, she continued. "And to answer you, not much.
Teacher sent me out here when he heard *you*," looking at Ranma,
"yelling, and saw *you*," nodding to Ranko, "were gone, so he said
I was in charge of you both and gave me these buckets for you to
carry. But I see you already have some of your own."
Ranko looked sheepishly at Akane. Akane glared at her. Ranma
pretended he was invisible. The two girls started bickering. "If
you hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here right now!" Akane said.
"Oh yeah? If we hadn't been there, you'd be late 'cause Kuno
would've eaten you alive!" Ranko responded. "Right, Futago-kun?"
she turned to Ranma, who was desperately trying to stay neutral.
He was having as much success as Belgium during the war (1).
Akane rounded on her. "Ha! Kuno's a pushover! I can take
him any day of the week!"
Ranko leaned in closer, giving Akane a look which put her in
her place. Or so she hoped. "You couldn't take him with his arms
tied behind his back! I've fought you, remember. I know!"
Akane turned red. "That wasn't a fair fight!"
"You wanna try again? Name the place! Anytime! Anywhere!
I'll be there!" shouted Ranko.
Ranma looked uncertain. "Uh..." he started, worried about the
almost infinite number of problems that could cause for all three.
"Fine!" yelled Akane. "Here! And now!" She attacked.
(1) ANY war.
End of Episode Two
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