* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Three
"The School of Hard Knocks."
* * *
"Fine!" Akane yelled at Ranko. "You want a fight? Here! And
now!" She threw her bucket at Ranko.
Ranko reacted way out of proportion to the threat value of a
pail of water (1). She jumped into the air, grabbed Ranma from
behind, and used him as a springboard, latching onto the ceiling
with her arms and legs. Ranma was pushed forward by her jump--
right into the path of the oncoming bucket. His head hit aluminum
with a clang and a muted splash.
Akane yelled at him. "Hey! Are you picking sides, here?" she
demanded as she raised her other bucket menacingly.
Ranma stood up, rubbing his head. "Hey now, wait a sec!" he
said hastily, seeing the oncoming second bucket. "She pushed me!
I didn't--" Akane hesitated slightly. "No! I'm not taking
sides!" he said hurriedly, just before the bucket hit him.
" Gack," he commented blithely as he fell over
again.
Akane looked down at him. "Oh. Sorry," she apologized.
Ranma didn't answer. He was trying to find his way out of the
bucket. Akane looked up at Ranko. "This is all your fault, you
know."
Ranko looked down at her brother from her perch on the
ceiling. Strange. That wasn't like him. He was usually willing
to stand up for her regardless of whether she was right or not.
Or, for that matter, whether or not she asked him to, which was
rather irritating sometimes. Make that all of the time. Akane
picked up one of the fallen buckets.
Ranko eyed it fearfully for a half second, then jumped down
carefully onto a dry section of the floor. "Akane, this is no
place for a fight! Follow me!" and with that, she started running
down the hall.
Akane threw down her buckets and ran after her. "Fine, then!"
she shouted. Ranma ran after both girls, muttering under his
breath the whole time about 'stupid tomboys' and something to do
with permanent detention. Ranko reached a window and opened it.
She jumped out.
Akane ran up to it and started to do the same. Then she did
a doubletake. "Hey! This is the third floor! You baka!!" she
yelled desperately.
Ranma just grinned. "No sweat, Akane, she's--"
"Oh, well," sighed Akane, "she's lucky the pool's there. I
wouldn't want her to get hurt."
Ranma swallowed his words. "WHAT!?" He looked down.
At approximately the same time, Ranko noticed the same thing.
She frantically tried to swim back up in the air without success.
Ranma leapt out the window after her. Akane stared after him for
a second before shaking her head in disbelief. "That's it, they're
both insane," she muttered. "I'm stuck with a hentai baka fiance
and his akuma sister (2)."
Ranma heard a splash below him and looked down. Split seconds
before he hit the water himself, he knew his sister had landed
safely in the water of the pool. He felt water enveloping him and
started stroking upwards to the surface, looking around for his
sister. He had to get to her quickly.
Akane strained her eyes, trying to make out what was
happening. Why had Ranma reacted that way? She couldn't see
Ranko. What had happened to her? She leaned out further. Ranma
was blocking her line of sight. There was a scream from down
below, then Ranma yelled something until being cut off with a
splash, garbling his words. She could almost make out something
else in the pool, too--no, wait, someONE else--and then someone
tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, surprised. It was
Mr. Watanabe, her teacher. He pointed at the hall, which was
covered in water and empty buckets, and tapped his foot. Akane
blushed, knowing an explanation would be useless, not to mention
embarrassing (3). She went in search of a mop.
Down below, Ranma finally managed to corner his sister and
grabbed hold of her, cutting off her squealed protests. He glanced
up, but he couldn't see Akane. He sighed, knowing she had seen
what had happened anyway. She might not be able to figure it out,
but she'd definitely be suspicious after this. And Ranko wasn't
going to be pleased, either, when she returned to normal. He took
her in search of some hot water.
(1) Which, in case you were wondering, is just below getting
squirted with strong perfume (the kind that takes days to really
fade away), and just above being struck by a bouquet of a dozen
roses (those thorns can really smart).
(2) 'hentai' = pervert; 'Baka' = stupid (as an adjective) or
jerk/idiot (as a noun). Akane uses both to describe Ranma.
'hentai baka' would be 'perverted idiot'. 'akuma' = demon. So far
as I know, this insult isn't in use in the Ranmaverse to describe
any character. 'akuma sister' would become 'demon of a sister'.
(3) Think about it: "Uh, sir, I can explain this. See, the two
people you sent me out here to chastise already had buckets of
their own and were standing out here with them. We got into a
water fight, but they're not here right now because they jumped out
the window into the pool three stories down." Hey, I'd believe it.
* * *
The lunch bell rang. As students raced down the halls, free
of their classes at last, two of the more intriguing new students
at Furinkan High were taking their time.
Ranko's shoulders were slumped as she walked with Ranma. He
regarded her sadly; when she felt pain, he couldn't help but hurt
along with her. He tried to cheer her up. "Ummm, hey, don't feel
*too* bad," he said kindly. "At least *you* aren't stuck with a
kawaiikune fiancee (1)!"
Ranko actually managed to smile at that comment. "Yeah,
you're right. But I swear, pop would *try* if you weren't around!
I don't think such an unimportant fact like both of us being girls
would stop him!" She giggled.
Ranma smiled a slightly bitter smile. "Yeah...well, at least
*you* got to choose your own fiance." Ranko smiled dreamily and
absently fingered the by now somewhat bedraggled rose.
"Yeah..." she murmured.
Ranma frowned. "Say, what's with the rose, anyway? You
falling for that Kuno guy after all?"
Ranko looked startled, then glanced down at her fingers. She
blushed a deep shade of crimson. "Oops," she said apologetically.
"I keep forgetting to dump this somewhere. It's just, well, it
reminds me, of...him." She blushed.
Ranma grinned. "Sure, sure, I believe you. Man, what Kuno
would want with such a gangly, dumb kawaiikune girl like you I'll
never know...ouch!"
Ranko grinned as she aimed her next strike. Then her grin
faded. Just ahead of them were the doors to the cafeteria.
"Oh..." she said, slightly taken aback.
Ranma sighed inwardly. "Come on, Sis," he encouraged her.
"It wasn't that bad. I bet nobody saw anything--"
Ranko gave him a withering glare. "Oh no?" she demanded.
"You think nobody was wondering why we weren't in class?"
Ranma gave her a weak smile. "Hey, it wasn't like it was a
test or nothing *important*..." He tried another tactic. "But if
you run away and hide from me the *next* time this happens, I'm
gonna leave you there," he said jokingly. "You hear me?"
Ranko turned a bright red and lowered her gaze to the ground,
sensing without hearing the real irritation that her brother
couldn't quite mask from her. "I'm sorry, Ranma," she said
quietly. "Let's go in, okay?"
The two walked into the cafeteria. It was crowded already;
the two had spent too much time lingering in the hallways. Ranko
scanned the mass of people, looking for two empty spots next to
each other. Ranma was doing the same thing. "Sorry, 'bro, but I
think we're too late to get a seat," Ranko said finally.
"Masaka! (2)" replied Ranma. "C'mon, there's gotta be one or
two left somewhere...yeah, look--right there! Next to--oops. Um,
hey, you're right, it's full, let's eat outside." He smiled at his
sister nicely and turned to leave.
Ranko's eyes narrowed. Ranma was *never* that nice unless he
was trying to hide something. Besides, the last time he had told
her she was right without her beating him up was five years ago.
Then again, the last time she had told *him* that he was right
without him beating *her* up was also five years ago, somewhat
coincidentally. Very suspicious. Hm...she looked where he had
been scanning a second ago. There were two seats left, right next
to...Akane. No wonder he had balked. Of course, thinking before
he spoke was never Ranma's strong suit. "Too late, 'bro. Well, I
have to face the music sometime, right?"
The twins headed over to Akane's table. "Hi there, mind if we
sit down?" asked Ranma.
Akane glanced up. "Why should *I* mind?" she replied icily.
"It's not like I know you, or anything."
Ranko winced. Ranma put an arm around her shoulders and
turned her around. "C'mon, Sis. I know when I'm not wanted." As
the two headed outside, a few students nearby heard him mutter, "I
don't care, but I know."
(1) 'kawaiikune' = uncute. A better translation might be
'sexless' or 'tomboy', but the literal one is uncute. As should be
expected, Ranma uses this a lot when describing Akane.
(2) 'masaka' = 'no way'!
* * *
Akane looked back at the two with no little twinge of
conscience as they left the cafeteria. Well, she *had* said they
could sit down, hadn't she? And it wasn't like either of them
wanted the engagement to become public, right? And when had either
of them been nice to her? Of course, maybe she *had* said that a
little too sharply. She debated calling out to them, inviting them
over, but shook her head. No, there was no *way* she'd do that,
like it was her fault! Besides, now they were outside, anyway.
She munched on a piece of tuna absently. It was tasteless. She
sighed angrily. She wasn't about to go to him, like some kind of
trained animal! He might begin to expect that from his 'devoted
fiancee', and then where would she be? No! No way! Absolutely
not!
Akane was more than a little surprised when she concluded this
thought only to find herself outside, carrying her lunch with her.
Well, maybe just this once, she told herself sternly. But not
again! She found the two easily and sat down next to them. "Mind
if I sit here?" she asked them.
Ranko glared at her. "Sure. Why should *we* care, it's not
like we know you or anything," she responded bitingly. Akane
winced. Had she really sounded like that? She put up her hands in
a peace offering. Ranma gave her a suspicious glare, but Ranko put
one of her hands on his, and he stilled without her saying a word.
Akane wished she could do that. Well, not on *Ranma*, of course.
He was such a hentai baka. Just, well, on, well, Akane didn't know
on who, exactly. She just wished she could do that.
"Akane," said Ranko quietly, breaking Akane's line of thought.
"I need to ask you something." Akane looked at her challengingly.
"Did..." Ranko took a deep breath. "What *did* you see?" She
looked at Akane in an odd way Akane didn't recognize. Was that
fear? Why should she be afraid?
"Um...you mean back in the hall? Um, not much, just what I
told you..." she said uncertainly.
Ranko frowned impatiently. "No, no. Not that, baka! I mean
outside, in the pool!"
Akane stared furiously. "Excuse me!" she demanded. "Who are
you calling a baka, you minx?"
Ranko crumpled inwardly. "M-minx?" she asked tremulously.
Akane didn't notice. "That's right, princess, I said minx!
If anyone's acting baka it's you, you bubbleheaded bimbo, not *me*.
Martial artist? Ha! Martial airhead is more like it!" Akane was
working up a fair head of steam.
Ranko rocked back as if struck. "Airhead?" she asked, her
voice strangled.
"That's right!" Akane said, exasperated. "You're acting like
a complete idiot and I'm getting sick and tired of it!"
Ranko's heart hammered inside her. "B-but Akane," she tried,
holding back tears. "I--"
Akane glared daggers into her. "Don't bother making excuses,"
she told the slimmer girl angrily. "Nothing you can say can make
me change my mind about you--you'll always be the same savage,
rude, pushy tomboy."
Suddenly Ranko was in her arms, hugging her. Ranko pressed
her head into Akane's shoulder and cried. "OH, THANK YOU!! Thank
you so much, Akane! I'm sorry I've been so cruel to you! I take
back half the mean things I said about you! WAHHHHH!!" Akane
belatedly realized she wasn't being attacked by her and, somewhat
stunned, patted the girl clinging to her on the back. She glanced
at Ranma as if he could explain this sudden reversal to her. He
shrugged and smiled.
"I'm sorry I called you an ungrateful cow!! I take back
saying you were a stuck-up brat!!" wailed Ranko. Akane smiled and
patted Ranko on the back. Well, maybe she *could* forgive the
Saotome girl after all. She was certainly taking the proper
attitude towards things. "I take back telling Ranma you were an
honorless tomboy!! I'm sorry I told pop you weren't good enough to
shine Ranma's shoes!!" Akane stopped smiling. She had said THAT?
Wasn't beating her up in a 'challenge' good enough for her? "Those
fifteen times I called you an uncute, obnoxious pain in the neck,
I take them all back!!"
Akane's grip on Ranko got a little bit tighter. She tried to
smile warmly, but it came out a little forced. "Um, Ranko--"
"And I'm really, *really* sorry I told Nabiki she should have
sold you to the whorehouse as a baby and saved herself the trouble
of doing it six months from now!!" Akane's smile froze in place
for half a second, steam shooting out of her ears. Ranma moved
back a few feet nervously.
"RANKO!!" yelled Akane.
Ranko looked up at her with wide eyes. "Hmm?"
"HOW DARE YOU!?" Akane screamed, blowing back Ranko's hair
with the force of her yell. "I'LL KILL--" Akane caught herself
and shut her mouth. In some, odd way Ranko was genuinely trying to
apologize to her. As much as it galled her, Akane realized that
now was not the time to get angry at the Saotome twins. She tried
not to grit her teeth as she opened her mouth again. "I mean...
th-thank you. Really. Now please, BE QUIET."
Ranko sniffed and smiled brightly at her. She hugged Akane
again before releasing her. "Sure! Man, I had you all wrong,
Akane. I thought you were a horrible witch, but I was wrong." She
beamed at Akane, grasping her shoulders with her hands and looking
at her straight in the face. "Akane, I'm happy to say I'll accept
your engagement to Ranma."
"NAAANNNIII?!?" Ranma's scream seemed to come from a thousand
mouths. Come to think of it, it probably did. Akane looked around
to see virtually the entire population of Furinkan High surrounding
their little luncheon party. So much for privacy...
"No! Wait! It's not true!" Akane tried desperately as the
girls of her class pressed around her. The boys similarly
surrounded Ranma.
"It's not our idea! Our parents...!" Akane felt her heart
sinking as any chance she had of enjoying a nice, quiet semester at
school dropped lower than Kuno's chance of being voted Most Popular
Student.
Suddenly a bokken thrust between the massed students. It was
almost as if the author had needed that little Kuno analogy in the
last paragraph to remember Furinkan's most egotistical senior (1).
"NEVER!" he thundered. "Never shall I, the great Tatewaki Kuno,
allow this engagement between Akane Tendo and this cur!" He
levelled his sword in a way that would be menacing if he weren't
shaking so much as he held it. Ranma nervously pushed it away from
his face with his index finger.
Kuno slashed at Ranma. Ranma gave an 'eep' as he barely
dodged out of the way (2). Kuno gave chase, striking at the air
with his bokken dozens of times. Ranma was pushed backwards as he
tried to get an opening while somersaulting backwards. Suddenly,
Kuno felt a hand on his sword. He looked down. It was Ranko's.
She looked at her brother. "Lemme handle him, Ranma-kun. You
got him for me last time." Ranma shrugged and quickly scooted out
of the way, letting his sister take her turn at bat, as it were.
Kuno turned to regard the slight girl holding his weapon at bay.
"Ranko Saotome...once again our paths cross. What hold does
this vile miscreant have on you, that he can use your fair figure
to hide behind?"
Ranma stood up again. "Hey! That's not true!" he yelled.
Ranko put a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off angrily.
"Nobody says that about me and lives!" he shouted. Ranko glanced
at Akane, who nodded.
Ranko bent down in front of Ranma. "Oh look! A shiny new 5
yen coin!" she exclaimed.
"Huh?" asked Ranma, his momentum lost. Luckily for him, Kuno
was similarly distracted and did nothing about it. Then again,
perhaps Kuno was distracted for some other reason, as the not-
entirely-unattractive Ranko bent over in front of him.
"Oh Ranma," said Akane, "you have a mosquito on your back!
Just hold still!" She shoved him hard. Ranma found himself flying
forward, only to trip over his sister. Luckily, he was a trained
gymnast. He nimbly managed to dodge out of the way and kept his
balance as he ran straight into Kuno's chest.
Kuno pushed him away and held him at arm's length. "It is not
to you that I pledge my love," he said crossly.
Ranma kicked him in the face. "So who asked you, ya jerk?" he
asked. Then he spun around. "Whaddya do that for?" he demanded.
Both girls giggled. He advanced on them. Kuno swiped at his back,
and Ranma had to dodge out of the way. "Hey," he said. "Ever
heard of honor?" He spun on Kuno, pushing his sleeves up and
grinning. "Now *this* is gonna be a real pleasure," he said,
stalking forward with a purpose.
Ranko caught him on the arm again. "RANMA! I *said* this was
my fight and I meant it!" He looked at her. Kuno charged.
Ranma shrugged. "Okay, Sis. You win. He's all yours.
Funny, never thought he was your type." Kuno raised his bokken
high, still running.
"WHAT!?" shrieked Ranko. "How can you even suggest that I--"
Ranma grinned. "Well, if you win, you get to *date* with
him," he said, doing a fair imitation of the True Blunder of
Furinkan High. "Hey!" he said suddenly, dropping to his knees. "A
near-mint Elvis stamp!" Kuno reached the pair. His target, Ranma,
suddenly dropped out of his sight and his blade swung through empty
air. He tripped over Ranma's bent form. Time slowed down. He
started falling forward in the air, tumbling head over heels.
Right towards Ranko.
"What?" she asked, somewhat belatedly. "Hey--" she started,
staring at the flying idiot about to tackle her at high velocity.
"That's not--"
Then time sped up again, and Kuno whooshed past her. Ranko
blinked at this turn of events before realizing Akane was still
holding her arms, having just pulled her a foot to the side. Akane
was unimpressed. "Next time," she said to the startled girl
sarcastically, "use your feet, not your mouth." Then she smiled.
"And go beat up Kuno." Ranko blinked again. Had that really been
*Akane* who saved her? Then she smiled back and leapt over to
Kuno, just getting up and obviously still in the fight from his
aggressive stance.
Ranma looked over at Akane. "Hey," he said. "Who are you,
and what did you do with the real tomboy?" For his speech, he was
rewarded by being thrown back into the fray. He landed on his
head, next to Kuno. He rolled over until he was sitting down.
"Ow," he said, rubbing his head.
Kuno looked coldly at him. "You seek to challenge me also,
then? More fool you. I say again, what hold do you have over
these women that they obey you?"
Ranko stood up straight, angry at his words. She took a step
back and puffed out her chest. This had the result of making every
single boy in Furinkan High--including Kuno, and excepting Ranma--
drool. In unison.
"No man has any hold over me that I do not choose to give him
of my own free will!" she stated defiantly. Something about that
statement tugged at her brain in an odd way, but she had inherited
the Saotome skill at thinking ahead (3) and ignored it bravely (4).
"I am--"
For the third time in 24 hours, Ranko was interrupted before
she could finish her sentence. This time, she was seriously pissed
off by that fact. "No! Say not that you are also the fiancee of
this evil--" Ranko landed behind Kuno as he felt the impact
of her knee to his face. He turned around. "Very well! I will
accept your challenge! And if you succeed--"
Ranko cut him off, glad to interrupt someone else for a
change. "I know, I know, you'll allow me to date with you. So
enough talk, already." She aimed a flying kick at him. He slashed
downwards at her. The two bodies met. Thunder crashed. Kuno
was thrown backwards and landed with a bone-splintering crash.
Ranko was forced to rub her arm. "Ite (5)," she muttered. "That
almost hurt." Kuno did not say anything in return. He was
stunned. Ranko picked up his bokken from unresisting hands and
stepped on his chest, levelling its point at his neck. "And if you
ever try that again, you'll get worse. Guess what, Kuno? *I'm*
even better than Ranma is."
She smugly flipped Kuno's sword in her hands before thrusting
it deep into the soil next to his neck. Ranma muttered under his
breath. "Yeah, right. As if such a tomboy could be better than
me. She's nearly as bad as Akane...what a kawaiikune baka tomboy."
It was unfortunate for him that Akane had decided to see if he was
all right. She had even decided she would have to apologize to him
and was at that moment working out how to say it to him without
losing face.
As a result, she was standing right behind him. She turned
red and lifted her extradimensional mallet. We all know what
happens next (6). There's no need to mention gory details and lose
the family rating on this fanfic.
Ranko turned to her brother and his fiancee. She cocked her
head oddly at him. "Say, Ranma-kun, if I'm the one who was doing
all the fighting, how come you're the one with all the injuries?"
Ranma just groaned. Akane was *such* a tomboy.
(1) In fact, it was exactly like it.
(2) Dodging a sword is no easy matter when you start sitting down.
Go on, *you* try it.
(3) Which is to say, none whatsoever.
(4) Plus, this was Kuno. The idea of Kuno making fun of the way
somebody talks is laughable, not to mention hypocritical in the
extreme.
(5) 'ite' = 'ouch'. It comes from the adjective for pain, 'itai'.
(6) Well, most of us, anyway. Akane goes from 0 to Terminator in
1.3 seconds. She powers up. She gets her second wind. She
transforms into Crinos form. She goes into hyperdrive. She
reinvents nuclear fusion and uses it to power herself. In other
words, she gets *real* angry and does more damage to Ranma with her
fists in about three seconds than he'd take from a fragmentation
grenade. Fun Fact: Ranma takes more damage from Akane than every
single other character in the series combined.
End of Episode Three
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