* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Five
"Ranko's Curse: A Girl Divided."
* * *
Nabiki was enjoying her lunch and wondering how she was going
to sell the remaining pictures of Ranko she had taken. She'd sold
all the good ones already, and she had the sinking feeling she'd
have to get rid of these ones under cost. Then something
surprising happened.
A cute stuffed panda landed on her desk.
Nabiki looked up. Kuno stood there. He didn't look very
pleased to see her. "What's this?" asked Nabiki, uncertain. Was
Kuno falling for her now? Or perhaps he had a dark secret he
thought she knew (1)?
Kuno grit his teeth. "A present."
Yup. He had fallen for her, all right. Oh, well. Too bad.
She really could have made some money if it had been a secret. She
handed it back. "Sorry, not my taste."
He looked at her with disdain. Someone really ought to tell
him how to act around girls. "Did I offer it to you?" he asked her
scornfully. "This treasure I save for my sweet goddess, Ranko
Saotome."
Nabiki choked on a noodle (2). Part of her mind was reeling.
Most of it, however, was looking at a fantastic way to sell all
those extra photos of Ranko that nobody had wanted and still make
a huge profit. "Oh, Kuno..." she purred. He looked at her. She
slyly opened her purse and brought out five photos. She showed
them to him. "You like?"
Kuno most certainly did. The photos were of Ranko in five
different poses. Not that she looked seductive or even marginally
safe to be around, but she at least knew how to pose for the
camera. Unlike, say, Akane. Even in the middle of a fight.
Amazing. All the photos captured her ferocity, her sheer
animalistic nature. Kuno was in love with them. "OHHH!" he
moaned. "She is so...so...so wild!" he exclaimed. He held the
pictures up to his sweaty face and panted over them (3).
"Sorta like an animal, huh?" asked Nabiki cheerily. "Set of
five, 3000 yen." Kuno immediately forked over the cash.
Nabiki sat back down. "You know, you're really something,
dropping Akane like that." She snapped her fingers for emphasis.
Kuno looked at her, somehow having regained his dignity in the
last paragraph. "Dropping her?" Nabiki's eyes narrowed. Before
she could say anything, Akane walked into the room.
Kuno rushed over to her. "Ah, my love! Your heart has
brought you to me, for you cannot restrain the tug of your--ugh!"
Akane looked at him in mild surprise, her fist still attached
to his face (4). "But...but I thought you..." Kuno took her
delayed reaction and used the time to recompose himself. "Didn't
you say you loved Ranko?" she accused.
"Indeed I did," said Kuno nobly, "but she hath also won the
right to *date* with me! As have you, my love! You are both so
pure! So noble! So innocent in your admiration of me! How can I
give up either of you?" Akane facefaulted. A few boys in the room
were quietly sick.
Akane's answer to his reasoning was another fist in his face
before stalking out. Oh, great. For one thing, her happy mood was
ruined, and for another she'd forgotten why she went in there in
the first place! She snarled, and looked for something to take out
her anger on. Whenever she felt bad, she was always able to take
out her aggressions by sublimating them. Usually she used a
practise dummy, but it was school right now and she wouldn't be
able to leave for another three hours.
Ranko approached her with a smile. Oh, good, Akane thought.
She had something now.
(1) Ah, but did he know that she knew he knew? Probably not.
Advanced thinking was still an uphill battle for Kuno.
(2) It can be done. Trust me.
(3) For those of you who are confused about all my 'hentai'
comments, here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about.
Scary, isn't it?
(4) Hitting Kuno had become a reflex action for Akane. She was
still working on listening to him.
* * *
Ranko stalked out the door into the yard. Kuno was waiting.
"Well, Kuno?" she angrily demanded. "What do you want?" She
hadn't been in a good mood since she and Akane had gotten into yet
another argument at noon, and when she went back to Ranma to
complain, he had told her Kuno wanted to talk to her outside. That
was it. Kuno was in for the thrashing of his life. If he survived
it. Ranko was ANGRY.
"Why, merely to give this gift to you, my love," said Kuno,
bending down to one knee and holding out a pathetic little stuffed
animal at her. That was perfect. It made an attack so much
easier. Then his words got through to her.
"WHAT?" she shrieked. "Kuno, you annoying sex-deprived inbred
pervert! Get it through your head, you arrogant little *boy*--I do
*NOT* love you! You have no hope of winning my love! You're a
complete, full-of-yourself, idiotic incompetent who's out of touch
with reality! What you need is a good swift kick in the rear end!
If you so much as bother me again, I'll put you in the hospital so
fast it'll make your head swim!" With that, she aimed her kick,
not at his head as originally planned, but *through* the stuffed
panda he still held out to her. In other words, she beat the
stuffing out of it.
Kuno's mouth had dropped open. Good. Ranko realized none of
his would-be loves had ever stood up to him in plain English before
(1). Of course, most of them were undoubtably spineless little
stay-at-homes like Akane. The little witch. Ranko turned on her
heel and stormed around the corner.
There was a splash.
"Hey!" came a voice from high above. "What if somebody was
down there?" The girl who had just thrown her dirty water out the
window looked back over her shoulder.
"Oh, don't worry about it. Who'd be stupid enough to stand
right outside the window?"
Perhaps it were these words that snapped Kuno out of shock
(2), for he got to his feet in what, for him at that moment, was a
massive undertaking. Unsteadily, he rose to his full height.
"Surely she...she cannot..." his mind reeled. "She could not mean
that...that...what did she mean?" He paused, confused. "She must
be very much in love with me to say such things," he concluded with
his typical Kuno logic. He started running after Ranko.
"I'm coming for you, my love!" he yelled. He turned the
corner and ran right into Ranko. "My love!!" he yelled again as he
caught her up in his arms and twirled her around happily.
Ranko hugged back joyfully (3). "Oh, Tatewaki-sempai," she
sighed. "You *do* care, after all! I'm sorry I said all that to
you...can you ever forgive me, upperclassman Kuno?" She looked up
at him with dewy eyes. "I...I just needed to know...for sure."
She smiled at him, a tentative, shy smile.
Kuno smiled back. "Of course I can, my love." He leaned in
closer. She moved back, startled, but then relaxed and closed her
eyes, smiling ever-so-slightly. Their lips met.
Back in class, Ranma felt a chill breeze go through him like
a knife. He had to suppress the urge to vomit. Akane looked at
him. "NOW what's wrong?" she asked. He shook his head, fighting
off the feeling. "I was just reminded of your cooking," he lied,
unsure himself why he suddenly felt sick. Akane grabbed her desk
and used it as a melee weapon.
Kuno smiled down at the lovely black-haired girl who was
nestled snug in his arms. She smiled back up at him. "Oh,
Tatewaki-kun," she murmured. "How did I ever live without you?"
Kuno didn't care if this was a dream. He was happy. "It does
not matter," he said. "We are together. And now that we are
united, we will never be separated again!!" he cried. His arm
wrapped around her waist, Kuno raised his bokken above Ranko's
head, into the air, and twin lightning bolts smashed to the ground
to add emphasis to his statement.
Unfortunately, one of them hit Kuno (4).
(1) Possibly because everybody, Ranko included, was speaking in
Japanese.
(2) This might very well have been the case. 'Stupid', for
example, was one of the words he heard the most often, and thus a
familiar one for his mind to reach out to.
(3) Quoth the reader, "HUH???" Yeah, I know this is a little bit
surprising. A little bit, as in like a 9 on the Richter scale of
surprises. Just read on, and all will be made clear. No, it's not
a dream sequence.
(4) And it's about time, too.
* * *
"...So you see, class, this is why we have the constitution
the way we do (1)," concluded the teacher of the history class, Mr.
Watanabe. He noted with some pride that only half the class had
fallen asleep during the lecture. The survivors looked up, some
innate sense in them realizing their torture had come to a halt.
They looked up, some with glee, others realizing only too late the
doom awaiting them.
"Now class, please turn to page 146 for an in-depth discussion
of how the Ainu fit into the present model of the constitution..."
droned the teacher (2). There was a massive groan from the class.
Akane dutifully turned the pages, stifling a yawn, and turned to
look at Ranma. He was asleep.
"Baka!" she whispered. She shook him on the shoulders and
somehow managed to avoid getting caught.
"Hm...whuzzat?" mumbled Ranma, still asleep. "Ranko, stop
shaking me so hard...mm...you're as bad as Akane......
tomboy...
AIIIIEEEEE!! WAIT!! AKANE!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!
PUT DOWN THE DESK, AKANE!! PLEASE!! OW! THAT *DOES* IT!
KAWAIIKUNE TOMBOY!! "
Mr. Watanabe sat down a bit unsteadily. It was going to be
one of those days again...he just *knew* it. He had yet to teach
a single class where Akane and Ranma, or Akane and Ranko, or Ranko
and Ranma, or--worst yet--all *three* of them hadn't started a
fight. One which generally ran past second period well into lunch.
Then there was the time Kuno had attacked Ranma, coming in
through the door...and leaving via the window. The repairmen were
due to come in on Friday for that. Luckily for the school, the
repair company was willing to offer them special reduced rates if
they kept up this constant stream of repeat business. Mr. Watanabe
thought they'd need it.
Or the fact that Ranko had taken to climbing in through the
window in first period. The window of the third floor. When he
had asked her about her strange behaviour, she'd mumbled something
about 'avoiding Kuno's "ambushes of love."' When he'd asked for
further explanation, she'd said it was good exercise and all the
students should try it. The next day, all the boys were ten
minutes late so they could stand underneath and watch while she
climbed. Which might have had more than a little to do with the
school dress she was wearing. When they'd all gotten back, she'd
beaten the stuffing out of them for daring to. Not that it stopped
them. A few of them were lovingly regarding various bruises and
black eyes they'd received from her.
And then there was the time all the boys ganged up on Ranma
for 'stealing' both Akane and Ranko from them. Mr. Watanabe could
still remember that day vividly: "She's my sister! OW! Cut it
out, you losers! OW! OW!"
Just as Mr. Watanabe thought he'd gotten *that* out of the
way, Ranma had put his foot in his mouth. "Look, you can *have*
Akane for all I care!" he'd said, on the way back to his desk. "I
mean, what you see in such a kawaiikune tomboy is beyond me..."
Akane had not taken to hearing that very well. Mr. Watanabe almost
cried when he remembered the mess that had resulted from the
resulting melee.
The first three teachers who'd tried to stop any of the
constant fights were in the nurse's office recovering. At least
one had announced his intention to retire early. Mr. Watanabe
should be grateful his class was all awake now, right? Sure, that
was it--think of the good aspects of having them in class! It
would be simply *wonderful* when he got to the psychology section
of the course in March! There, see? It wasn't all bad, after all.
He turned to the blackboard and shakily tried to put the screaming
out of his mind as he told the class about the Ainu.
"The Ainu, as everybody knows, are HEY!!
WOULD YOU TWO STOP IT?!?" The room fell silent. He nervously
chewed on his fingernails. Oh, no. He had made a fatal mistake.
He had gotten their attention. He started crying. He was too
young to die! But...wait! Maybe they would listen to him now!
Maybe he could still turn the situation around! He opened his
mouth to speak, eyes shining with new hope.
The door burst open, slamming into his face. Ranko ran in,
tears flowing down her cheeks. "WAAAHHHH!!" she cried. "My
darling Kuno-sempai's hurt!!" Every male in the room stood up.
"NAAANNNIII!?! (3)" they screamed, in unison (4).
One of them jumped on top of his chair. "If it wasn't bad
enough that she was engaged to some guy we couldn't hope to beat--"
he started.
Another continued. "--Some lucky dog far, far away--(5)" he
yelled.
A third jumped on top of his desk. "--Now *Kuno* wins her
heart?!?" he concluded, for all of them.
"IT'S TOO MUCH!!" the boys cried at the same time (6). Within
a second they had formed a lynch mob and were headed outside with
death in their eyes. Mr. Watanabe just put his head on his desk
and sobbed. He had been so *close*. And yet, so far.
The girls came over to comfort Ranko. She sniffed and started
telling them all about Kuno being hit by lightning in a freak
accident. Except that she kept interrupting herself, sighing at
how heroic the boys were in fighting for her honor. Akane walked
over, leaving Ranma to himself, the only boy left in the room.
"Ranko? Why didn't you just go to the nurse's office?" she asked
the girl.
Ranko looked up at her, blinked away a few tears, and blushed.
"Oopsie," she said, and giggled. "You're right! I'll go get her!
I'm sure everything will be okay!" She beamed at Akane and hugged
her. Akane flinched, caught off guard. Then she hesitantly hugged
back. Sure. Why not? Ranko pulled her face away from Akane and
studied her for a second. "Hm. You should cut your hair, Akane.
You'd look much better with it short." Akane just turned a dark
crimson.
"What?!" she demanded, taken aback and getting angry. "Who
are *you* to tell *me* how I should wear my hair??" The other
girls took a step back. Not in fear, or outrage. They were
speculating. Then they started whispering.
"You know what? She's right!"
Akane blushed. "But...but--" she stammered, feeling
surrounded.
Ranko just smiled. "Oh, you worry so much! I think Dr. Tofu
will like it better that way. I could ask him, if you think you'd
be too embarrassed to do it yourself."
Akane felt her world shatter. Everything seemed to slow down
to nothing at all and then speed up so fast she couldn't understand
it. All she could see was every single girl in her class with her
mouth open. Then time went back to normal. "RAAANNKKOOO!"
screamed Akane. "HOW *COULD* YOU!?!?"
Ranko shrunk back from her, tears in her eyes. She hid behind
a chair. "WAAAHHHH! Akane, don't be mad at me! I'm sorry!
Really!" Akane slowly advanced on her, steam coming from her ears.
The other girls quickly got out of her way. Then a hand fell on
her shoulder.
She looked up with fire in her eyes. Ranma flinched, but kept
his look stern. "Hey, Akane. Back off. She said she was sorry."
Akane flinched, in turn. "Ran...ma?" she gasped. She had
forgotten about him. "How much did you--"
Ranko interrupted her, cheerily patting Akane on the back like
nothing at all was amiss. "Oh, don't *worry* so much, Akane! He
already knows!"
Akane turned to her. "He...already...knows?" she asked,
slowly.
Ranko missed the obvious danger. Perhaps it was Akane's quiet
tone that relaxed her (7). "Yup!" she cheerfully confided. "I
told him!"
"YOU DID *WHAT*?!?" screamed Akane. She lunged at the girl
with her bare hands.
Then suddenly there was someone in front of her, taking her
punches, trying to grab her hands. After a few moments of
struggle, Ranma succeeded in stopping Akane. Akane vaguely noticed
he was shouting at her. "AKANE!! STOP IT!!" he yelled, red in the
face. Akane took a step backwards, suddenly uncertain.
Ranma advanced on her, not missing a step. "Can't you see she
can't help herself!?" he demanded. "Do you get a kick out of
beating up defenceless little girls?" he asked, sarcasm evident in
his tone.
Akane had never heard so much anger in his voice. But she was
just as angry. She spun out of his grip and turned to point at
Ranko. "HER? That demon? Defenceless? Don't make me laugh!!"
Ranma looked where she was pointing. Then he looked back at Akane.
He waited. Akane couldn't help it. She turned to look at Ranko.
She was curled up in a little ball, looking at Akane with wide
eyes. Akane's jaw dropped. Her anger dissipated, replaced with
confusion. "But..."
Now that she could hear, she realized Ranko was crying. "I'm
sorry, Akane. Please don't be mad...I didn't mean it..."
Akane stared. "But..." She swallowed. "But I...I could have
*sworn*..." She felt dizzy. Never in her life had she attacked a
defenceless person. But Ranko wasn't defenceless! Why was
everybody acting like she was a completely different person? What
was going on? Was this some sort of obscene nightmare? Yes, that
must be it. She had fallen asleep in class. Akane brushed off a
chair and sat down on it, heavily and stiffly, like a machine.
Ranma went over to his sister. "Ranko?" he asked gently,
prying her hands from the fetal position. "Ranko-chan," he said,
"It's okay. Shh. It's okay."
She opened one eye, then allowed herself to be hugged.
"WAAAAHHHH!!" she wailed. "She was so *mean* to me!" Ranko buried
her head in Ranma's shoulder and cried.
"HEY!" cried Akane. "I didn't touch--" Ranma shot her a
warning glance, and she shut up. For now, anyway. But she was
sure going to have a nice long talk with him after this was all
over.
Ranma patted his sister on the back. "That's a good girl.
Now, I want you to go get some hot water, okay?"
Ranko peeked at him from between her fingers. "Do I have to?"
she asked timidly.
"Yes!" snarled Ranma. She gave an 'eek!' and stepped back.
"If you don't, I'll flush your panties down the toilet!" Ranko
closed her eyes and whimpered. "And if you try to run away this
time, I'll tickle you until you scream! And I'll tell your fiance
you can't cook!"
She turned pale. "O-okay, big brother..." she said. She ran
out the door. Ranma gave a sigh and relaxed, sitting down. He
smiled. Then he realized that he was surrounded by every single
girl in his class. He looked up a little apprehensively.
"You pig!" yelled one.
"Treating your own *sister* like that!" yelled another.
"USING her like that!" screamed a third.
"Threatening your own flesh and blood!" reminded a fourth.
All twenty girls proceeded to mash him repeatedly with their
textbooks.
"AAAH!" he screamed. "WAIT! It's not what you think!!"
"How stupid do you think we are?" demanded one, hitting him
repeatedly.
"Yeah! Jerk!" chimed in another, nailing him with a chair.
Akane just watched, too confused to enjoy what would have otherwise
been a spectacular moment for her.
Luckily, Nabiki had captured the moment on video.
(1) Because McArthur said so. And the funniest part is, I'm not
kidding.
(2) They don't.
(3) 'nani' = what?
(4) Including Ranma, but for a different reason. In the Japanese
army, they hang life-size pictures of Kuno on the barracks walls
with the written statement "Would you want your sister to marry a
Kuno?"
(5) ...In a galaxy long, long ago. That's right, Ranko is engaged
to Luke Skywalker. Well, glad that's cleared up. Explains a lot
about the movie, doesn't it?
(6) Except for Ranma, who was still trying to wake himself up from
this nightmare he seemed to be trapped in.
(7) If Ranko had known Akane a little better, she would have
already been running for her life. Akane becoming quiet is like
the calm before a storm. Specifically, a hurricane.
* * *
Ranko Saotome stepped out of the nurse's office into the
hallway, steaming wet. "I'M GOING TO *KILL* HIM!!" she snarled.
Akane leaned against the wall and looked rather unimpressed.
"You're too late," she said to the black-haired girl. "The
class already did it for you."
Ranko looked at Akane like she was an annoying insect. "Not
Ranma! KUNO!! KUNO IS GOING TO DIE BY MY HANDS!!" Thunder boomed
outside. Akane wondered vaguely if the two were related somehow.
"Um, say, about class--" she started.
Ranko waved her off. "Long story. Can I deal with it later?"
she asked.
Akane shrugged, glad she wasn't holding a grudge. "Sure.
What's this about Kuno?" she asked, curious. "He use some kinda
love potion on you?" she asked. That seemed to be the only logical
explanation she could think of (1).
Ranko growled like an animal. "I'm going to kill him," she
said threateningly. She stormed outside. Akane followed, curious.
And a little afraid. For Kuno.
Outside, Kuno was recovering from the massive beating he had
taken from the lynch mob. The lightning was nothing compared to
the sheer number of petty injuries taken from the Furinkan
schoolboys. Finally, however, he had defeated them all. Low-life
scum. And now he saw his reward. The beautiful black-haired girl,
running into his arms (2).
"Geez! Leave me out of your sick fantasies! Get a grip, you
moron!" yelled Ranko as she proceeded to punch him several times in
places that can't be mentioned in a family rated fanfiction, but
nevertheless were important to the generation of future offspring
and hurt very badly when damaged (3).
Kuno somehow managed to wave it off and stood up straight.
"Ah, I see you wish to challenge me again, so that we may date once
more!" he said, his pea-sized brain not comprehending his 'love'
was attempting to do him injury several times while he gave his
soliloquy. "Very well, my love, I accept! And if you win, you may
*date* with me!" So saying, he raised his bokken and jumped into
the fray. Literally, not figuratively (4).
Ranma strolled up to Akane and Nabiki. Nabiki excused herself
to start a betting pool. Akane looked at Ranma. "I assume I get
some sort of explanation for all this?" she asked him without
humour.
He looked at her nervously. "Um," he started, sheepishly.
"That *wasn't* a request," said Akane as she grabbed his
shirt.
"Then what's with the question mark?" asked Ranma (5).
Akane screamed. "RAANNMMAAA!!"
Ranma smiled, a bit nervous. "Okay, okay," he said. "Don't
get upset." He tried to figure out how to get out of this one
without getting hit.
Ranko smashed Kuno's face with her fist. No, there was no way
Kuno'd get off easy for this one. She'd make sure he *felt* every
little blow. He wouldn't get off easy and be knocked unconscious
by accident. Needless to say, Kuno was handling the fight rather
badly. He was fast, but he couldn't really hurt a girl. Ranko had
no such compunctions about hurting him.
Then, something changed. It began to rain, a soft, cool rain
that covered everything. And more importantly, everybody.
Ranko paused, mid-strike. This was rather unnerving to Kuno,
whose nose was about an inch away from her hand when she stopped.
He glanced down at her. She put her hands to her face in an
expression of cute dismay. "OHHH! Tatewaki-sempai! You're hurt!"
She ran up to him and hugged him. "Oh, you poor thing! Does it
hurt badly? I'm so sorry!!"
Kuno could hardly believe his luck, but then he realized what
had happened. Ranko Saotome had tried so hard to win so that she
could date with him, but she loved him so much she couldn't stand
to see him hurt. Thus, she had decided to surrender. "Very well,
Ranko Saotome, I accept your surrender!" he cried. "I will *date*
with--umph!" That last part of the speech was undoubtably caused
by Ranma's foot landing on his jaw.
"You scumbag! Leave her alone!" Kuno fell over.
Ranko looked up at Ranma with big, glistening eyes. "WAHHHH!!
You hurt him!" she cried.
Ranma put a hand to his head. "I don't need this," he
complained. "Why me?" He looked up to the sky. This was not a
smart thing to do around Kuno. A bokken slammed into him, sending
him into a curled roll. Ranko gasped in horror. Ranma glared up
at her. "YOU stay out of this!" he shouted.
"But--!" cried Ranko, before Akane grabbed onto her and
dragged her back to the sidelines.
"C'mon," she urged her. "Ranma can take care of himself."
Ranko nodded tentatively and sniffled.
Ranma sliced back at Kuno with a scissors kick. Kuno agilely
dodged, then attacked with his bokken, cutting down a nearby tree.
Ranma ducked out from under the falling trunk, then tried to trip
Kuno.
Kuno attacked instead, sending Ranma flailing backwards,
unhurt but only barely able to dodge the lightning-fast strike.
"Aha!" cried Kuno. "I see it now, dog! Not content with only
Akane Tendo, you seek to deprive me of *both* my true loves! Well
then, knave, die!"
Ranma ducked under his next sweep and poked his head next to
Kuno's face. "Now listen up, Kuno," he said. Kuno's eyes widened.
He was fast! "I'm not interested in Ranko. But you better stay
away from her or I'll kill you! Understand?"
Kuno stepped back a foot and paused in the rain. "Yes! Yes,
I understand!" cried Kuno. Ranma sighed. He'd gotten through. "I
understand that you *lie*, for you lust after her just as much as
any man!"
Ranma facefaulted, and Kuno took advantage of this momentary
weakness to slam his bokken into Ranma again. Ranma let himself
fall with the impact, then grabbed a handful of ground and pushed
himself up into a kick, twisting his body around to be out of range
in time to land on his feet.
"Man, you just don't get it, do you?" he asked Kuno. "I don't
lust after her at all!"
Akane looked at Ranko worriedly. "Um, I think Ranma is
losing," she pointed out.
Ranko sighed in happiness. "I know," she said. "Isn't it
wonderful?"
Akane looked at her, stunned. "What do you mean, 'isn't it
wonderful'!?"
Ranko ignored Akane, clasping her hands together and sighing.
She looked up into the rain. "Oh, come on, Akane. Haven't you
always wanted boys to fight over you?"
Akane gave her a long, hard look. "As a matter of fact, no.
When they fight over you, someone always gets hurt. And not always
physically, you know. I've never been able to understand why being
able to hurt someone more than they can hurt you proves you can
love more, or longer than them. What happened to deciding for
yourself who you're going to spend the rest of your life with--or
even just a few hours? It saves time, and heartbreak, and a lot of
agony. Ranko, you're more intelligent than that. Boys fight over
you all the time. Don't you realize any of this at all?"
Her words weren't having any effect. Ranko was out of it.
Akane decided to push the one button she knew got to Ranko. "And
besides, isn't it your *brother* who's getting beaten up?"
Ranko looked at Ranma, who had just blocked another thrust
with his arm. She looked back at Akane and giggled. "Oh, he's so
overprotective of me. But that's okay. Isn't that what big
brothers are for?"
Akane looked at her like she'd grown another head. "Excuse
me, but didn't you punch him in the gut when he offered to fight
for you, just yesterday?" Ranko nodded absently. Akane stared.
The rain came down. Suddenly, something clicked inside Akane.
"Ranko..." she said. The long-haired girl turned to her curiously.
"Don't tell me--you're cursed, too?"
Ranko put a hand to her cheek and giggled, while blushing
demurely. "Oh, I wouldn't call it that..." she said.
"What would happen if I were to throw hot water on you?" Akane
asked suspiciously.
"Don't do that!" pleaded Ranko.
"Okay, that's it," said Akane. "You're a demon sometimes, but
at least I can understand *that*." She stormed off. Ranko watched
her leave for all of one second. Then she turned back to the fight
and started cheering--for both combatants.
"Go, Kuno!" she yelled. "Do it for me!" Then Ranma managed
to trip Kuno, and she switched to him. "Way to go, big brother!
Nice move!"
Kuno was attacking furiously, the air pressure alone smashing
the wall behind Ranma. "You lie!" he screamed, frothing at the
mouth. "You lie! You lie! You lie!"
"Um, I get the picture--" said Ranma, a little taken aback by
both Kuno's words and his attack.
Kuno raved on, unabated. "For how could any man resist her
wild, womanly charms? See???" He thrust Nabiki's photos in his
face.
Ranma grabbed at them, and then realized what they were.
"Whoa." He swallowed. Hard. They were pictures of his sister.
Very *attractive* pictures of his sister. If she hadn't been
related to him, he would have asked her for her phone number. But
she didn't look *that* good in real life...whoever had taken these
photos had done so with the deliberate intent of making her look
good. And then given them to KUNO, of all people. Ranma started
simmering. Kuno took advantage of all this distraction to slash at
him. The blows drove Ranma into the ground, filling his mouth with
mud. He rolled on the ground in pain, the photos flying into the
air. Kuno sensed his advantage and decided to press it, charging
forward for the final blow. Ranma spit mud and snapped to his
feet.
"Because I'm her *brother*, you dolt!" yelled Ranma, as he
executed a spinning kick attack.
Kuno froze. "Her...br-brother?" he asked stupidly. That left
him in an ideal position for Ranma's kick to strike all of his
vital spots at once. Kuno's other pictures went flying. Kuno put
down his sword. "If that is so, then...I must...I..." He fell
over. The rain lightened, then stopped altogether. Nabiki started
collecting on her bets.
Ranko ran over to Ranma and hugged him tightly. "Oh! Brother
dearest," she squealed. "I was soooo worried!" Ranma was turning
an interesting shade of blue. This could have something to do with
the wounds he had received in his side.
"Not...so...tight..." he begged his sister. Then suddenly
both Saotome children were covered in steam. Hot water drenched
both in a short splash. "Yow!" screeched Ranma.
Ranko's eyes narrowed. "Why...that...!!" she exclaimed,
unconsciously hugging tighter. MUCH tighter. Ranma started to
pass out. She absently noticed and let go. He breathed in the
sweet air of life in short, gasping breaths (6).
"Say, Ranma," asked Akane, who had thrown the kettle's
contents at the pair, "what distracted you in the fight?"
Ranma leaned over and picked up a pair of photos. "These," he
said, showing them to Akane, still out of breath. Unfortunately
for Ranma, Kuno had also bought Nabiki's limited-time offer of two
sets of prints--one of Akane and one of Ranko. The pictures Ranma
was showing to his fiancee were of Akane herself.
Akane turned red. "AND JUST WHY DID YOU HAVE PICTURES OF
ME?!?" she demanded as she beat him to a pulp.
"Akane! Akane!" begged Ranko. "He's already hurt bad! Leave
him alone!" Akane reluctantly stopped. "Why on earth were you
angry at him, anyway?" she asked.
Akane pointed at the photos she'd since dropped. Ranko leaned
down to scoop up a few, puzzled (7). Kuno had been carrying both
sets of prints on him at the time. As an amazing set of
coincidences, the pictures that Ranko picked up were not of Akane,
but of Ranko herself. Ranko turned red.
"RAAANNMMAAA!!!" she screamed. "HOW *COULD* YOU? MY OWN
BROTHER!! YOU HENTAI PERVERT!! MY OWN BROTHER!!" She proceeded
to turn him into hamburger. Akane stared in disbelief, then
shrugged. Well, she didn't think it was *that* bad, but if Ranko
could beat him up, so could she. She proceeded to do just that.
Ranma just groaned.
One of Nabiki's friends, paying her the monies she owed Nabiki
for the bet, commented wryly. "Man, I think *Kuno* was the winner
in the fight, after all."
(1) Remember, this is Akane we're talking about. The same Akane
who has not yet--as of episode 200 of the series--figured out that
P-Chan is Ryoga. The same Akane who believes the same ingredients
used to make a quiche are just dandy in a cookie recipe. The same
Akane who beat up Kuno every day of the week for a year before
Ranma got there, because it was the fastest way of doing things.
Need I go on?
(2) There. Now *this* is a dream sequence. See the difference?
(3) Yes, I mean what you think I mean (for once). Ranko has a
nasty sense of justice when she gets angry. Besides, it's called
"Anything Goes" for a reason, you know.
(4) Which surprised Ranko to no end, since that meant he leapt
ahead of her. She was, after all, standing right in front of him.
There was no need to jump to attack her. Instead, he merely
presented him with a nice, large target--namely, his back, as he
was no longer looking in the right direction to use his sword, or
even defend himself properly. Ranko chalked it up as yet another
'stupid Kuno thing' and kept pounding him, not even missing a beat.
(5) Note: Asking stupid rhetorical questions designed to irritate
and annoy is *not* a very good idea when in a vulnerable position,
such as hanging from your shirt and being held up by a very angry,
very violent tomboy. Don't try this at home, kids. We're trained
professionals.
(6) Actually, that could be a metaphor for his entire life, come
to think of it.
(7) Anybody who can't guess what's coming up immediately shouldn't
be reading this fanfic.
* * *
In a jungle, far away from where the fight was taking place,
a young man swatted the hundredth mosquito that day. He glared up
at the burning sun of midday and shouted. "Just you wait, Ranma
Saotome! Just you wait!"
End of Episode Five
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