* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Ten
"Never cry Jaws."
* * *
Akane opened her lunch. "Mm-mm," she smiled. "Kasumi always
make such great lunches." Ranma and Ranko smiled along with her,
although for a somewhat different reason: they were both glad Akane
hadn't made lunch again today.
"I've been wondering, Ranko," Akane said, biting into a
pickled vegetable, "about the fight?"
Ranko looked at Ranma, startled, then back at Akane. "Sure,
Akane," she said. "Whaddaya want to know?"
Akane smiled and grabbed a slice of beef with her chopsticks.
"Well, when you beat up Ranma," she paused to wolf down the
marinated meat, "Mm. You meowed."
Ranma turned pasty white. "A-Akane," he said nervously. "Th-
there's no need to go into that, is there?"
Akane blinked. She looked at Ranko, who grinned savagely.
"You really wanna know, Akane?" she asked her. Akane shot a look
at Ranma then nodded, spearing a slice of pickled cabbage.
"Well," started Ranko, "it all started when we were kids. Pop
had some dumb training manual and he wanted Ranma to learn some
special technique called 'Cat-Fu', or the Cat Fist." She grinned
and dug an elbow into Ranma's side. Ranma, for his part, had given
up on lunch entirely. Akane noticed he was turning a shade of
green that wasn't entirely healthy (1).
"Anyway, this book said to tie up poor Ranma with fish
sausages and throw him into a pit of hungry cats." She showed all
her teeth in a smile. "Repeatedly."
Akane stared. "That's horrible!" she exclaimed. Ranma nodded
vigorously, his teeth chattering.
"Yeah. Pop always was a bit warped that way. Well, to make
a long story short--and to spare Futago-kun any further
embarrassment--he learned the Cat-Fist, but he paid a price for
it." She munched on a pickle. "Now, he's so phobic of cats, it's
pathetic."
Ranma turned on her. "HEY!" he yelled angrily.
Ranko smiled at him. "Meow," she said in return. Ranma
shrieked and grabbed onto the nearest support.
"Ahem," said the nearest support, as she tried to disentangle
herself from his arms. Nabiki looked on as Akane tried to calm
Ranma with a combination of soothing words and full-fledged
punches. She grinned and took several pictures. They'd be worth
selling in a few days time. Maybe she could even hold an auction
and see who'd bid more to get them--or stop others from seeing
them.
"That wasn't fair!" yelled Ranma, still shivering.
Ranko patted him on the head nicely. "Aww, I think it's cute
to have a weak spot."
Ranma grumped and turned back to his lunch. He started
humming, almost tunelessly and nearly inaudibly.
Ranko turned back to Akane. "You should'a seen the look on
your face when he grabbed you, Akane!" she giggled. "It was
priceless!"
Ranma started humming just a bit faster.
Ranko started to fidget unconsciously. "I mean, you looked so
*surprised*! I wish I had a camera at that moment," she laughed.
Nabiki jotted a note to herself.
"Oh, ha-ha," Akane replied. She went back to her lunch.
Ranma sped up his tune.
Ranko paused and unbuttoned the top of her blouse. She
sweated nervously. "Uh...does anybody else think it's getting hot
in here?" she asked. Nabiki took another picture, using her range
extender.
Akane looked at her, surprised. "Ranko?" The girl looked up
at Akane. She was sweating profusely. Akane frowned. "Uh, Ranko-
-we're outside. We're not *in* anything."
Ranma started humming louder.
"What?" asked Ranko. Her eyes started twitching, shifting
back and forth nervously.
Akane took a step backwards. "Ranko? Is something wrong?
Are you okay?" She turned to Ranma. "And would you CUT IT OUT
WITH THAT STUPID HUMMING?!?"
Ranko stopped. "Humming?" She slowly turned to look at
Ranma.
Ranma looked back at her. "Ah, heh heh," he said nervously.
Ranko turned beet red. "DIE, RANMA!" she yelled, punching him
into the air. She sat down, huffing and puffing. She shivered.
"I *hate* it when he does that."
Akane looked at her. "Does what?" Ranma landed in a heap
beside her.
Ranko stared back with haunted eyes. "He...hums!"
Akane blinked. "Er...he hums. Okay. Sure. I give up.
What's wrong with humming?"
Ranma popped back up. "Aw, she's just sulking because she's
got a weak spot too," he grinned.
Something clicked inside Akane's mind. "That music you were
humming--I can't remember, I've heard it somewhere before...wait!
It's the theme music to..." her voice died away.
Ranma nodded. "Jaws." Ranko gave a shriek and hid her head.
Nabiki took another picture.
Akane groaned. "Don't tell me..."
"After he used it on me, Pop figured the Cat-Fist would be too
difficult for a girl to learn. So he taught her the Shark-Fist
instead, since he felt it was less dangerous." Akane nodded.
Well, that only made sense.
"The training book he got it out of had very simple
instructions," Ranma continued. "Simply tie up the trainee with
sardines, and throw her into a pool of hungry sharks."
Akane looked at him with disbelief. "That's less dangerous?"
she asked. "Less dangerous than *what*!?"
Ranma shrugged easily. Ranko just shivered. Akane rolled her
eyes in exasperation. Ranma frowned. "Actually, Pop later read
the next page in the manual...you know, the page that warned
*never* to use these methods on students after the survivors
developed severe psychological damage. Of course, he read that
*after* putting us through it."
"Oh, well. It could've been worse, right?" Akane smiled
brightly at the frightened girl and her despondent brother.
Ranko turned her head to Akane. "S-sure. I could've been
eaten alive."
Akane shook her head. "Oh, come on. It's silly to think that
way. Besides, it's not such a bad thing to be afraid of.
Everybody's afraid of sharks!"
"I'm not," Ranma interjected.
"You're *not* helping, Ranma!" yelled Akane. "Look, Ranko.
Don't worry about it." She smiled and put her hand on Ranko's
shoulder in a gesture of sympathy. "Just put it out of your head!
What's the chance of coming across a shark, anyway?"
A few blocks away, the driver of a large truck swore as a
small dog suddenly jumped into the road in front of him. It was
almost as if the dog had come out of nowhere! He blew his horn as
he braked frantically. The truck was marked 'Osaka Aquariums Ltd'.
"DON'T SAY THAT!" yelled Ranko.
Akane was startled. "Say what? You mean, 'what's the chance
of coming across a shark?'"
The light turned green and the driver of a sports minivan put
his foot onto the gas. He was already fifteen minutes late, and he
didn't relish the thought of being any later than he already was.
The boss'd kill him if he didn't get these production
advertisements in soon. The truck was filled with promotional
posters for the new Jaws film soon to be released, Jaws XXVIII.
The music blaring from the radio droned out the horn outside, and
he failed to notice the truck hurtling down through the now-red
light until it was too late. He slammed the brakes down hard,
turning desperately to avoid a crash.
"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" cried Ranko.
"Yep, I think you got it," agreed Ranma.
"But why *not*?" asked Akane. "I mean, sharks don't live in
cities!"
Ranko's teeth chattered. "N-no, b-but th-they--"
"Besides, the chance of coming across one must be a million-
to-one!"
Sakamoto's Sushi Bar was just about open for business, thought
the owner proudly. Tonight, the grand opening would draw hundreds
of eager young businessmen, just the right sort with hungry bellies
and lots of money to spend. He looked again at the restaurant. It
was perfect. Even the 200-pound super-realistic life-size shark
look-alike sign was in place, ready for his shark sushi special
tonight. Then he heard the horn blaring, the tires screeching, and
he turned, staring in shock. Then his instincts kicked in and he
dove out of the way.
"I *said*, don't *say* that!!" yelled Ranko.
Akane nodded. "Er...okay," she agreed. "If you say so. But
I don't see what harm it could do..."
Ranko lowered her voice to a whisper. "Harm? Harm?" She
laughed bitterly. "That's what they all say."
Akane began to doubt her sanity. "Uh--"
"You don't get it, do you?" laughed Ranko. "Sharks are drawn
to me, just as cats are drawn to Ranma! It's fate!"
Akane shook her head. Obviously, this had been too much for
the girl. "That's ridiculous. How could a shark even *survive*
around here?"
The minivan swerved to the right, its driver drawing on long
years of experience and skill. The truck hurtled past, and its
driver sighed in relief, sweat dripping from his forehead at his
close call.
Ranko looked at Akane for half a second. "I...I guess you're
right," she admitted. "It does sound a bit silly." She shivered.
"I just can't help feel that...well...that nature has it in for me,
or something. But you're right." She smiled. "It's crazy to
think that way."
"Well, I wouldn't go *that* far," said Akane, trying to calm
her nervous friend. "But you have to admit, it's more than a
little impractical. Besides simply surviving, how many sharks
*are* there in Japan? On land, I mean. There must be less than a
dozen, if that. So you have nothing to fear."
The truck driver sighed as the massive eight-wheeler stopped
just inches away from the sushi storefront window. He wouldn't
have to fill out an insurance form, this time. He smiled as the
honking of horns began from drivers blocked by the large vehicle in
the road. Life returned to normal.
"If it was only sharks, maybe I could handle it," Ranko said
to Akane, sighing. "But...well..."
"Well...?" repeated Akane, curious.
"What Sis here is trying to say," translated Ranma, "is that
her fear generalized."
Akane blinked. "What?"
"It means it got less specific. You know, like--"
"I *know* what it means, baka! How general?"
"Oh. Uh, well..."
Akane put a hand to her forehead for yet another time today.
"What is Ranko afraid of, Ranma?"
Ranma blinked. "Uh, fish."
Akane nodded patiently, even though she wanted to strangle
him. "Yes, Ranma, I know that. What kinds of fish?"
"That's just it. All fish."
"All fish?" Akane stared.
"All fish," Ranma agreed, nodding and wondering if Akane was
usually this dense.
"Even cute itty-bitty goldfish?" she asked. Ranko shrieked.
Ranma pointed a finger at his sister. "Does that answer your
question?" Ranko swatted his finger away.
"What about fish steaks?" Ranko shivered. "Fish sticks?"
Ranko curled up into a ball. "Oh, come on!" yelled Akane. She
blew out her breath in frustration. "What are you supposed to
*eat* then, for crying out loud?" Ranko covered her eyes and
moaned.
Akane shook her head. "I see. Well, why don't we get on to
a safer subject? Like why the heck your father did something that
stupid in the first place!?"
Ranko turned to Akane. She seemed to be recovering now that
fish had left the conversation. "Pop is...well...he's a bit
eccentric, at times."
"Eccentric? He's loony, Sis! The man is possessed! He's not
playing with a full deck!" Ranma kicked her in the shin.
She tripped him and got back into a sitting position. "But,
we sort of live with it," she explained.
"Yeah," Ranma added, pushing her face into the ground and
rubbing it into the dirt. "I mean, we kinda cut the old man some
slack ever since Mom died."
Both Saotome children started grappling on the ground. For
all anyone else could tell, they were seriously trying to kill each
other. The twins stopped, realizing something was wrong. Ranko
looked up at Akane, who was still standing there like a statue.
"Akane?" she asked.
Ranko waved a hand in front of Akane's face. "Akane? Anybody
home?" Akane didn't move.
Ranma looked at her closely. "Hmm," he said. "Lemme try
something."
Ranko looked up at him with disgust. "Ranma! That's sick!
Play out your fantasies some other time!" She grinned. He kicked
her. They started fighting again.
Akane snapped out of it. "Your mother's dead?" she said in
weak tones. The two stopped rolling around in the dirt and looked
back up. Ranko got up sheepishly, followed by a dirty Ranma.
"Yeah," said Ranko, shrugging.
Akane started crying. "I'm so sorry...I didn't know."
Ranma put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, no problem, Akane.
It's no big deal."
Akane looked up, surprised and not a bit angry. "WHAT!?" she
demanded. "How can you say that about your own mother!" Ranma
took a step back, confused by this onslaught. Ranko sighed and
took his place.
"Um, Akane...it's easy to say that about her. She died
fifteen years ago." Akane blinked. "We never knew her. That's
why Pop took us on that training trip--for the rest of our lives."
"Oh," said Akane, trying to digest that. She switched to an
easier topic. "So what's with you and Ryoga?"
Ranko blinked. "Huh?"
Akane elbowed her. "You know, him and you." Ranko looked at
her blankly. Akane got frustrated. "Don't you think you should do
something about him?"
Ranko blinked. "What are you talking about?"
Akane shook her head in disbelief. "Ranko, he's infatuated
with you! It's so obvious even an idiot could see it!"
Ranko turned to her brother. He shook his head. "I didn't
see anything," he said. Akane didn't bother to comment on that.
Ranko turned back to Akane. "You're just imagining things,
Akane," she said, smiling. "Ryoga's just being nice." Akane gave
up. It was obvious to her that Ranko had to learn the hard
way...and that Ryoga would have to try harder to teach her.
While Akane was digesting this fact, the object of her
thoughts peered out from the bushes.
"I must be blessed by the gods," he thought to himself. "I've
found my way here, and it's only noon!" He smiled. Then he
frowned. Something about what Ranko had said disturbed him. He
shrugged. He'd think about it later. Then the sprinkler system
turned on and he gave a resigned "Bwee..."
Akane leaned forward, tears threatening to flow from her eyes.
"Oh, Ranma," she said softly. "I didn't know...I mean, your
mother...that must have been so hard..." She broke off. "I...I
guess I understand why you and your sister are so close, now...it's
almost like...like..." she broke off again. Ranko sat there, more
than a little cross at being ignored by everybody. What was she,
chopped liver?
Then Ranko felt herself being groped. She screamed and turned
around to bash the living daylights out of the pervert (2). After
a few dozen screaming attacks, she stepped back to observe the
fruit of her labour. It was Kuno.
"Ah, my love," he said without missing a beat. "I see how
much you have missed me. Fear not, I have missed your sweet kisses
just as much."
Ranma stepped forward. "Kuno," he said flatly. "Didn't we
already go through this before?"
Kuno stepped forward as well. "I have decided," he announced
grandly, "that nought shall stand in the path of true love! Let
there be an army a thousand strong, and shall my sword cleave
through them (3)! Let there be an enchantment vile, and my heart
shall break it! But let there be honour that stands in between
true love," he growled, "then the true Samurai shall break it! For
is not true honor gained in giving up honor lost? And true love
stronger than honor? And the honor that stands in the face of such
love as ours, merely false pride? And pride only a false side of
honor, where honor dares not creep? And the smallest love bigger
than the largest pride? And discretion the better part of valour?
Well, then, so too shall my love for you break all bonds, shatter
all obstacles! Shall I such a petty thing as honor stand in our
way? I say thee nay! (4)" Thunder crackled. Ranko put her head
in her hands. Akane patted her on the shoulder sympathetically.
She knew *all* about it.
Kuno then turned to Akane. "As for you, Akane Tendo," he
said. "You need not lose heart that I shall leave you with this
scoundrel, Ranma Saotome, unprotected! I have decided that my
heart is big enough for both of you (5)! And what matters an
engagement betwixt the two of you, for it was made without knowing
the love I bear for--"
Ranma had had enough. He kicked Kuno onto the roof. He
turned back to see Ranko patting Akane on the back as Akane held
her head in her hands. He just shook his head.
"Oh, well," he sighed. "I guess it's nice to have a constant
in your life (6)."
(1) Unless you were a plant. Say, a nice leafy perennial bush.
Then it was just dandy. Unfortunately, Ranma didn't have any
vegetation in his ancestry, unless you count a couch potato of a
father.
(2) As opposed to the dead daylights or their monstrous cousins,
the undead daylights, of course.
(3) The answer to this, by the way, is "no".
(4) Anyone able to make sense of Kuno's soliloquy needs a
vacation. Preferably, a long one.
(5) Thus making it a larger target.
(6) The Kuno factor is a constant, K, which is equal to the sum of
the forces of annoyance and ignorance and inversely proportional to
the square of the calmness of the day otherwise.
* * *
Ryoga found himself in Dr. Tofu's clinic. Blast it! This
wasn't the gymnasium. By the time he'd gotten himself turned back
to human form again, lunch had already finished and fifth period
begun. Now he'd never get to see her. He was so depressed by this
turn of events that he accidentally walked into someone.
"HEY!" he said angrily. "Watch where you're..." He looked
up. And up. And up. He was talking to a panda. "P-panda?" he
asked. Now, where did he remember a panda from?
Dr. Tofu came in. "Oh, hello there. I see you've met my
assistant, Mr. Saotome. Can I help you?"
Ryoga didn't answer. His mouth had dropped open. Mr.
Saotome? Ranko's father? And--*RANMA'S FATHER*. He must have
fallen into a pool as well, he thought feverishly.
The reason for Ryoga's shock was his own peculiar predicament.
Not too long ago, Ryoga had been minding his own business, seeking
vengeance on his childhood rival while tracking him down in a
foreign country, when out of nowhere a panda had run by him,
followed by a pretty red-haired girl who had knocked him into the
pool. He'd never given it much thought, always blamed Ranma for
it--but now he knew the truth. It WAS Ranma's fault!
"Hello?" asked Dr. Tofu. "Are you ill? What seems to be the
problem?"
But--if it was a *girl* who kicked him in...Ryoga shuddered.
He'd only gotten a brief glimpse of her features. But now, when he
looked back on it, she was almost a twin to Ranko, except for the
hair colour...
"I wonder if he's got a concussion," mused Dr. Tofu to
himself. "Or perhaps a hearing problem?"
And Ryoga's tortured mind finished the puzzle against his
will. When he was in his cursed form, when he was 'Ryo-chan' in
the bathroom with Ranko, he'd seen her pick up a bottle of black
hair dye. Suddenly, the pieces all fit. Why hadn't he seen this
before? Ryoga cried out, a wail of anguish and betrayal.
"I'd better have a look at you," said the doctor as he walked
forward, concerned.
But--it was too late. Even knowing she was the cause of his
problems--he'd already fallen in love with her. But how could he
balance his emotions? How could he love her and hate her at the
same time? He couldn't! It was too much!
"AAARRRGGGHHH!!" yelled Ryoga, smashing through the clinic
wall and running into the street. The wall had a sign on it:
'Please do not break wall.'
Ryoga ran down the street blindly, trusting in his sense of
direction to get him hopelessly lost. "Good-bye, Ranko-san," he
said to himself. "I need to leave you without so much as a
farewell. I love you, but you only love me as your little pet pig.
And until I can trust myself not to hurt you, I must leave you well
alone." A nearby passerby looked at him like he was a complete
idiot (1). Then a car zoomed past him, splashing him in his wake.
"BWEEE!!" he screamed to the world.
(1) The passerby was mistaken. Ryoga wasn't a complete idiot. He
was only half of one--the other half was a pig.
* * *
Soun leisurely stirred lemon into his tea. "Ah, Saotome," he
said to his friend. "This is the life. Ranma and Akane are back
from school already, and they hadn't even yelled at each other once
yet. It's already been fifteen minutes!" He started crying.
"Soon our families will be joined. What could possibly go wrong?"
The wall behind him exploded.
"Nihao!" cried a feminine voice.
* * *
End of Episode Ten
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