* * *
Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Thirteen
"Wash That Girl Right Outta My Hair."
* * *
"Aw, nuts!" yelled Ranko as she dodged a flying bonbori. She
ran into the kitchen. "Ranma-kun," she said quickly, "time for
plan A!"
Ranma stopped his mouth halfway into his sandwich. "Aw, do we
hafta start now?" he complained.
A bonbori flew through the doorway and into the wall. "Does
that answer your question?" Ranko asked dryly.
"Okay, okay," said Ranma as he stood up. "Go hide, and I'll
talk to her. But you owe me."
Ranko only had time to glare at him for a second before
Shampoo rushed in. The Amazon girl looked around. "Where Ranko?"
she demanded.
Ranma grinned nervously. "Uh, hi," he said. Shampoo turned
to him and raised her weapons. "Wait, wait!" he said. "I'm
Ranma!"
Shampoo sighed and curled her arms around him in bliss. "Ai
lan," she said happily.
Akane walked in. "Oh, hi, Shampoo," she said casually. "Hi,
Ranma." She went over to the refrigerator and opened it. Then she
spun around. "RANMA!? What are you *doing* with her!?"
Ranma was leaning backwards. "Uh...Akane...it's not what...
oh, forget it." He turned back to Shampoo. "Shampoo, look. You
can't kill Ranko, okay?"
Shampoo disentangled herself from him. "Is rival," she said
with a gleam in her eye. "Is for killing."
Ranma smiled nervously. "Uh, sure...I mean, NO! Look,
Shampoo. If you kill her, I can't marry you."
Shampoo looked at him. "Why no?"
Akane turned red. "Oh...I see now." she said slowly.
"Everything you said to me was--"
Ranma groaned. "Akane, please stay out of this!"
Akane's hands turned into fists. "WHAT?" she demanded.
Shampoo stuck out her tongue at her. "Nyah, nyah," she said.
"Ranma choose Shampoo over Akane!"
Akane snarled at her. "Hey! I'll have you know that--" Then
she stopped. Ranma had turned white.
"Akane!" he said urgently. "Ix-nay on the arriage-may!"
Shampoo looked at him with curiosity. "What you speaking?"
Ranma grinned at her nervously. "Oh, nothing...just saying
how nice the weather is to Akane in a local accent." He winked at
Akane.
Akane furrowed her brow. "I don't think I know that one,
Ranma. Did they teach it in class?"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Oh, great," he said. "Just what I
need. A billion girls in the world, and I get the only tomboy who
doesn't speak Pig Spanish."
Shampoo blinked. "What for pig speak Spanish?"
Akane put her hands on her hips. "Are you making fun of me?"
Ranma sweated nervously. "Oh, geez. I don't need this." He
smiled at Shampoo. "Nevermind, Shampoo," he said to her. Then he
turned to Akane. "Look, just don't mention the thing our parents
decided for us."
Akane stubbornly set her chin. "Why not? And I still want to
know about that Pig Spanish thing!"
Shampoo shook her head. "Shampoo no understand. Why not pig
speak pig? Cow speak cow, bird speak bird, why not pig speak pig?"
Akane looked at her. "What?"
Ranma felt like he had lost control of the situation.
Possibly because he had. Yes, that was it. He raised his hands
into the air, somewhat difficult due to Shampoo's continuing hold
on him. "Look," he said. "Forget the pigs! Akane, just trust me
on this!"
Akane's eyes narrowed. "Does this have anything to do with
Ryo-chan?"
Ranma nearly screamed in frustration. This wasn't how the
plan was supposed to be going. He turned to Shampoo. "Shampoo!"
he yelled.
In retrospect, that was a mistake. With his head turned in
her direction, Shampoo kissed him. Approximately half a second
later, Akane hit him on the head. "You pervert!" she yelled.
Ranma groaned. "Wait! Stop!" He cleared his throat
nervously. "Akane, could you leave the two of us alone for a
while?"
Akane nearly burst into flames. Ranma took three steps back.
He would have gone further, except that he bumped into the counter.
Akane spoke up, her voice somehow making Ranma shiver even as her
glare made him sweat nervously. "Fine, Ranma," she said. "If you
want to be alone with Shampoo, who am *I* to stand in your way?"
She stormed out of the room.
Ranma sighed in relief. Shampoo tried to kiss him again.
"No! No! Ack!" he said, as he fell backwards onto the floor.
Shampoo took full advantage of her new position, rolling over on
top of him and rubbing her legs against his. "Help!" yelled Ranma.
He rolled over, surprising her, then quickly jumped off.
"Look, Shampoo," he said, "you can't just kill Ranko. If you
do, I won't marry you." He was grateful to be alone with her,
without any more interruptions from whatever source. This
particular attitude was to last him less than a second.
Shampoo ignored him, stalking him with a hungry look in her
eyes. Ranma nervously backed up. "Uh...are you listening to me?
She's my sister!"
Shampoo reached out to hug him. Ranma ducked. "Ai lan,"
murmured Shampoo.
Ranma jumped onto the ceiling and held on for dear life.
"Shampoo! Look, just leave her alone, okay?"
A calculating look crossed Shampoo's face (1). "Ranma promise
marry Shampoo if Shampoo leave Ranko alone?"
Ranma sighed. "No, I can't do that, but--hey!" Shampoo
jumped onto the table and started to look for a way of getting
Ranma down. Ranma was afraid she'd find one.
"Ranma marry Shampoo, Ranko become honorary Amazon!" said
Shampoo. She smiled at him.
Ranma weakened. "Oh, well, uh..."
From the doorway, Akane looked on. Next to her, Ranko
whispered in her ear. "You see? It's all a plan to get rid of
Shampoo, Akane."
Akane nodded. "I guess so," she agreed. "But it doesn't look
like it's working very well."
Ranko agreed. "Yeah. Oh, well. I was hoping logic would
work--but the only thing *that* girl understands is force. Well,
and sex. Hmmm." Akane glared at her. "Uh, I mean, and her own
twisted laws. Time for plan B."
"Plan B?" asked Akane. Ranko grinned. "Ranko, don't you
think you should *tell* me about these things before you pull them
on us? I mean, look what happened with plan A--"
Ranko shook her head. "No time! Look!"
Ranma was being pried down from the ceiling, ending up in a
rather compromising situation with the Chinese girl. He hopped out
of her arms onto the floor. Shampoo quickly leapt after him. "Ai
lan!"
"But--" said Akane.
"Havoc!" cried Ranko, and threw something. Suddenly, the room
was filled with smoke. There was a thud, and somebody yelping in
pain. The smoke cleared quickly, and the scene was as it was
before. Except that this time, it was Ranko standing there,
looking just like Ranma had been.
"Akane," she said. "Please just listen." She turned to
Shampoo. "Okay, Shampoo. I tried to tell you, but you just didn't
get it. Now I have to *show* you. I'm Ranma, right?"
Shampoo nodded, curious.
Ranko smiled. "Well...I'm a girl." Shampoo's eyes widened.
Then she laughed. Ranko's smile dropped. "What?" she asked.
Shampoo laughed harder. "Good trick, but Shampoo no fooled!"
Ranko turned red. Then she sighed. "Okay, you asked for it."
She undid her shirt and showed Shampoo the bandages. "See these?"
she said. She pulled out a knife and pointed it at her chest.
Akane grabbed her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Don't do it!"
Ranko pulled away disgustedly. "Please, Akane. I'm just
gonna cut the bandage away. What'd ya *think* I was gonna do?"
Akane blushed. Ranko grinned and cut through the bandage, leaving
ample evidence of her true gender in plain sight. She turned to
Shampoo.
"So you see...I'm Ranko. And Ranma. So, we can never be..."
Shampoo yelled a fierce battle-cry. "KILL!"
Ranko desperately blocked, but she knew Shampoo had the edge
in close-quarters fighting. But suddenly the room was filled with
smoke, and she gratefully slipped away.
Ranma smiled at Shampoo. She snarled back. "DIE!" she yelled
at him.
Ranma's smile faltered. "Wait, wait," he said. "I'm a boy!"
Shampoo paused. She looked at his chest. He undid his shirt
and showed her. She patted it down. "Boy," she agreed. She
stared at him in confusion.
Akane stared at him in hatred. "Why are you letting her feel
you up, Ranma?"
Ranma blushed. "Ah...wait...it's not like that." Shampoo
started feeling lower. He snatched away her hand before she got
further than his stomach. "Stop that!" he said.
"Where Ranko?" asked Shampoo.
Ranma groaned. "Don't kill her!"
Shampoo smiled evilly. "If Ranma no marry Shampoo, Shampoo
kill Ranko! Shampoo kill ALL rivals for Ranma!"
Akane gasped. She turned pale. Ranma looked at her. "So,
you finally got it, huh?"
Akane nodded, still shaken. Ranma grinned. "Well, it's about
time. Man, you're as thick as bricks." Akane suppressed a surge
of annoyance. She deserved that, she supposed.
Ranma went on. "And you can't even kick. Your cooking makes
me sick." Akane turned red. Shampoo blinked at her, then took a
step away from Ranma. "You're built like a stick."
Akane went ballistic. "DIE, BAKA!!" She smashed into him
with her fists.
Shampoo interrupted her. "What Akane talking about?" she
asked. "Is Akane rival for Ranma?"
Akane looked up, guiltily. She had forgotten the Amazon was
there. Shampoo had a glint to her eye, and was caressing her
bonbori with a look that was almost homicidal. Actually, Akane
wasn't sure if 'almost' was the right word to use. The Amazon
looked like she was going to kill somebody very soon. Maybe Akane,
if she wasn't careful.
"Uh...no," she stammered.
"No?" Ranma stood up.
Akane blushed. "Well...y--maybe."
Shampoo went into a defensive posture. "How maybe?" Akane
quickly did the same.
Ranma quickly stood in between the two girls. "Um, Shampoo,
Akane is my *friend*."
Ranma sweated. Akane turned to look at him. It was a
calculating look. Then she nodded, almost imperceptibly. "Right,"
she agreed. "Friends." She broke out into a broad smile.
Shampoo was immediately all smiles. "Oh, ai ya, Shampoo happy
to meet Akane." She beamed at Akane. "Akane be friends with
Shampoo too?"
Akane hesitantly smiled. "Uh...well...I don't...um, sure...I
guess," she replied.
Shampoo beamed again. "Aiyah! Shampoo lucky! Friend Akane
want play game with Shampoo?"
Akane looked startled. "Well..." Ranma nodded. "Sure."
Shampoo beamed. "Is good! Akane want play 'Stepping Stones
Game'?"
Akane shrugged, puzzled. "What's that?"
Shampoo cocked her head in thought. "Is old Amazon game.
First need get five stones. Is any here?"
Akane nodded. "Oh, sure. We've got lots in the yard."
Shampoo smiled. "Next, need...how-you-say...chalk?"
Akane nodded and smiled. "Oh, I've got some upstairs."
Shampoo beamed. "Next, need rope. Where keep?"
Akane thought for half a second. "We have some, I think,
downstairs in the basement."
Shampoo beamed. "Next, need Ranko. Where she?"
Akane smiled. "Oh, she's hiding in the cupboard."
There was a very muffled scream that could have come from the
cupboard. Akane gasped in horror as she realized what she'd said.
Shampoo spun, her bonbori suddenly appearing in her hands, and
smashed the cupboard in.
Ranma cursed and grabbed Shampoo. She melted into him. "Oh,
Ranma *do* like Shampoo!"
Ranma was confused. Then he realized *where* he was grabbing
her. He turned white. Akane turned red. He grinned nervously.
If he let go, Shampoo would strike the cupboard again. And if he
didn't...
Ranma looked at Akane. "That was a funny joke, Akane. Ha,
ha!"
Akane just looked at him angrily. "How can you keep doing
that and still talk to me?"
Ranma started praying. "I said, it was a funny *joke*! HA,
HA!"
Akane glared at him. "I didn't--"
Shampoo looked at her. "Akane make joke? Shampoo no
understand. Where Ranko?"
Akane understood. "Oh. Joke," she said weakly. "Yeah. Ha,
ha."
Shampoo looked at her. Ranma gratefully--and reluctantly--let
go of the curvaceous amazon. She stepped closer to Akane. "Where
Ranko?"
Akane sweated. "Uh...well...I don't know," she said.
Shampoo growled. "Akane LIE!!" she yelled, smashing the table
for emphasis.
Akane looked at Ranma. "Uh...she's...well...she's..." He was
trying to tell her something. But what? He was pointing down.
"...downstairs!" Ranma shook his head. "Wait...I mean...here!"
Ranma nodded. Akane relaxed.
Shampoo glared around. "Where here? Shampoo no see!"
Ranma stood forward. "Uh...Shampoo? *I'm* Ranko."
Akane looked at him in surprise. What on earth was he saying?
He obviously couldn't pretend to be a girl.
Shampoo was thinking the same thing. "Ranma *boy*," she said,
pointing to his chest. "Ranko *girl*."
Ranma grinned nervously. "Yeah, but...uh..." He paused.
"Havoc!"
Nothing happened.
Ranma cleared his throat nervously. "I, uh, said--"
Smoke filled the room. Ranma started coughing. There was the
sound of somebody being hit, and the smoke began to clear.
Ranko stood there, tears in her eyes. "Ack," she said.
"Smoke."
Shampoo looked at him. "Ranma control smoke?"
Ranko shook her head. "No, Shampoo. A curse."
Shampoo's eyebrows rose. "Ranma cursed to smoke?"
Ranko shook her head again. "No. Shampoo, have you ever
heard of 'Jhusenkyou'?"
Akane froze. What on earth was Ranma talking about? Was he
going to give away Ranko's biggest weakness?
Ranko smiled. "Well, I fell into the pool of drowned man."
Akane stared. Wait. Which twin was this? It was getting
confusing. Was Ranma cursed, too? And why wouldn't anybody tell
her what was going on?
Shampoo looked at her. "What you talking about? You boy!"
Ranko smiled and undid her shirt. "Nope. See?"
Both Shampoo and Akane stared. "But..." said Shampoo. She
turned to Ranko with hate in her eyes. "I kill!" she said.
Ranko dodged the attack. "Wait!" she said. "I'm Ranma!"
Shampoo paused. Then she pointed at Ranko's chest. "You
making that up," she said. "Ranma *boy*".
Ranko rolled her eyes. "Look, Shampoo--don't you get it?"
Shampoo snarled and stalked forward. Ranko quickly continued.
"Look! I fell into the spring, so I became a man! Well, a boy,
anyway. I'm really a girl!"
Shampoo looked sceptical. Ranko grinned nervously. "Look,
Shampoo, if you don't believe me--my father did the same thing."
She turned to Akane. "Quick! Get Pop! Hurry!"
Akane did as she was told. A few seconds later, a baffled
Genma was brought into the room. He took one look at his
daughter's exposed chest and froze in place. Luckily, neither his
brain nor his ability to move was needed.
Ranko grinned and yelled "HAVOC!" Smoke filled the room.
There was a sound of a splash, and a yelp.
Then the smoke cleared, and there was a girl and a panda.
Shampoo stared at the panda. "Panda..." she murmured.
"My daddy," said Ranko, in a cute little voice. "Isn't he
just the most *huggable* widdle thing you ever saw in your whole,
entire life? I think I'll call him Jean-Michel."
"I'd hardly call him *little*," said Akane sarcastically.
Then she leaned forward. "Hey," she said. "You're wet..."
Ranko looked down at her still-open blouse. "Oh!" she said,
blushing. "What was I thinking?" Akane stared. "Open-top shirts
are like, *so* out of fashion!" Akane facefaulted.
Then she remembered Shampoo. Shampoo had been standing there,
taking it all in. But now she was recovering, growling, holding
her maces and preparing to kill the slight Saotome girl. Akane
realized belatedly that Ranko couldn't defend herself. She swore
to herself. She wasn't sure she could take Shampoo on by herself.
And where was Ranma? Didn't he know his sister was defenceless?
Didn't he care? It was up to her. Akane wanted to cry, but she
didn't have the luxury. She'd always been able to count on
somebody else. Nabiki. Kasumi. Even Ranma. This time, it was up
to her. She felt quiet resolution surge through her--but she
didn't know if it would be enough. She said a silent prayer as
Shampoo attacked.
Shampoo charged towards Ranko. "DIE!" she screamed. Ranko
looked at her and her eyes widened. She had several seconds to act
in. She struck a pose and screamed, shutting her eyes. Akane
would have hit the idiot girl if she hadn't already been in the
air, hoping against hope to delay Shampoo long enough for Ranma to
get there.
She didn't have to. The attack never hit. Shampoo stood
there, wavering and looking at Ranko, crying. "Bie liao," she
whispered brokenly, then suddenly spun and left. Through the wall.
It figured.
Nabiki walked in. "Bie liao," she said, reading from her
dictionary. "'We'll never meet again.'"
Ranko looked at her, puzzled. "If you say so," she said.
"Have a nice time. Can't say I'm exactly hurt, though."
"Not *me*," said Nabiki sarcastically. "That's what 'bie
liao' means. Shampoo's gone."
Akane sighed in relief. Ranko smiled as if the danger had
never been there. Ranma walked in, followed by Ryoga. "Hey, is it
safe to come in now?" asked Ranma.
Ryoga rushed to Ranko. "Oh, I'm so glad you're safe! I'm so
happy! I'm so--what are those?" He stopped abruptly.
"Hm?" Ranko looked down to where Ryoga was looking. "Eek!"
She quickly covered her top, blushing furiously.
Akane stepped in for the hapless girl. "Ryoga, you pervert!!"
She started to kick him, then stopped. It didn't matter--he had
already fainted, blood spurting out of his nose. She blinked in
surprise.
Nabiki brought a steaming kettle over and splashed Ranko with
it. Ranko immediately turned white, realizing what could have
happened. Nabiki looked at Genma, but decided not to bother.
Genma didn't move. For some reason, he hadn't done anything for a
few minutes. He seemed to be staring at the wall. She patted him
on the head. He blinked and shakily decided to leave. "I thought
you might be needing this," said Nabiki to the Saotome daughter.
Akane smiled at the twins. "Well, congratulations. I guess
you got rid of her for good, after all."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Don't be so sure," she said.
Ranko turned to her, still buttoning up her blouse. "What are
you talking about, Nabiki?"
Nabiki smiled. "Well, for one thing, transforming your gender
doesn't explain changing your clothes." She pointed at Ranma and
then at Ranko. "Ranko had her blouse open when she changed, and
Ranma didn't right after. Shampoo's going to think of that,
eventually."
The twins looked at each other. Then Ranma shrugged.
"Well..." he said. "it's just another Jhusenkyou thing."
Nabiki shook her head. "That's the other thing. Ranma, do
you remember *where* the Joketsuzoku tribe is located in China?"
Ranma looked puzzled. "Sure. Right next to Jhusenky--oh,
no."
Nabiki nodded. "Oh, yes. As soon as she gets back, she'll
tell her story, and *somebody* is going to realize you were lying
to her. Smoke, my foot."
Outside, the shadowy figure smiled. Now, it was sure. It was
time to make its move.
Ranma traded glances with his sister again. "So what can we
do?" he asked.
Nabiki never got a chance to answer (2).
The figure dropped down out of the tree, landing just outside
the dojo. Making use of the hole in the wall, he sent something
flying through the air towards his target.
A rose (3).
"RANCHAN!!" yelled the figure, rushing inside.
(1) This was actually a new experience for Shampoo. Until this
point, calculating gazes had always crossed her bosom, with the
general attempt to get her into bed. Such gazes, not to mention
their owners, usually ended up in the hospital.
(2) Which was just as good, since it would have only added to the
already-quite high tab the twins were stacking up with her.
(3) Yes, just like Tuxedo Kamen. I know.
* * *
End of Episode Thirteen
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