Just For A Laugh
|~Just For A Laugh~|
*Note: The Names at the bottom of each one is credited to the person whom I got it from .. BTW If you get offended or grossed out really easily, you might want to reconsider reading any furtherThe Good Son
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the
hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that in here," the priest says.
Contribued by: Sung The CyberToothThe Italian Who Went To Malta
(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Contribued by: Sung The CyberTooth
The Gangsters Who Robbed The Bank
Some Gangsters, thinking of robbing a bank, made the best darn plan they could think of and started working on it. A day or two later they are able to break into the bank. They see hundreds of safes, and the head gangster says, "Okay, open the first one up". They open the safe and the only thing they found in there is a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says "Okay, there's not much we can do, at least we get to eat it". So they ate the pudding. They opened the second Safe and there is another one, so they ate that one too. This process went on for the rest of the safes. Finally, they were all stuffed. They could not understand where all of the money was though but as time was running out they had to cut their losses, packed up and left as quickly as possible, happy that they were able to eat if nothing else. Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people".
Contribued by: Sung The CyberToothThe Businessman Who Went To Korea
An Australian businessman goes to South Korea on business. Being lonely and not knowing many people, he picks up a hooker. They get up to his hotel room and quickly get down to having a root. The guy is getting pretty proud of himself because the prosi keeps shouting "Gamma Sum" "Gamma Sum". He's not sure exacly what this means but based on the rumors he'd heard about oriental twat and the way she kept screaming, he assumed that it was a high level Korean compliment. The next day, he was promoting his product on the golf course with some wealthy Korean businessmen. One of the men hit a hole in one and everybody was ecstactic. Wanting to try out his new Korean expression, he turned to the man and said "Gamma Sum". The man said, "What the hell do you mean 'wrong hole'?"
Contribued by: Sung The CyberToothThe Genie And The Three Wishes
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said,"Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered. The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"She replied, "3 years." The genie then asked, "How old isyour husband?" To which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Contributed by: Sung The CyberTooth
The Gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."
Contribued by: Jason Chi Bathroom Humour At Its Finest
Ghost Poop: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.
Clean Poop: The kind where you poo it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poop: This happens when you're done Poo-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poo some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poop: Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poop: The kind where you want to Poo but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poop: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poop (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poop: It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poop: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops....... Poop!!!
The Dangling Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poo-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Contribued by: Jason ChiHonk If You Love Jesus
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, -Jesus Christ!- as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, -GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!- Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, -Mother trucker,- or -Mother's from there. - Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Contribued by: Jason Chi
Gender Confusion
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - Now take off my bra... which he does. - And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, - Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!
Contributed by: Jason Chi~YO MOMMA JOKES~
YO MAMA IS SO FAT...
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop
Yo momma so fat when she gets on a scale it reads "to be continued"
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people ran around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she gets on a scale, it reads "we don't do livestock"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she has to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat when she wears a red dress people said "Hey, It's Kool-aid!"
Yo momma so fat she put her lipstick on with a paint roller
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans
Yo momma so fat she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps
Yo momma so fat she can't tie her own shoes
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcom X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon
Yo momma so fat when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean
Yo momma so fatthey tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it
Yo momma so fat that she could have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts
Yo momma so fat the Himalayas are practives runs to prepare for her
YO MAMA IS SO STUPID...
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved
Yo momma so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application not to write below the dotted line, she put "OK"
YO MAMA IS SO UGLY...
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween
Yo momma so ugly when she looked out the window, she got arrested for mooning
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
YO MAMA IS SO OLD...
Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died
Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything"
Yo momma so old when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper
Yo momma so old she's blind from the big bang
Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the 3rd grade
YO MAMA IS SO POOR...
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving"
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell, she says "Ding!"
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp
Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Buying Luggage"
Yo momma so poor she was around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning
Yo momma so poor burglars break into her house and leave money
YO MAMA IS SO DARK...
Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers
Yo momma so dark when people refer to Darkness coming in the future, they're refering to her next visit
YO MAMA IS SO GREASY...
Oops People, I have to finish this, but when I do, more stuff to laugh at coming soon!!
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