Bark Bark Loopy

Donna was five years old when she fought in the Vegetable Wars. It wasn't like she had much of a choice. Every night at six o'clock, when Donna sat at the table to eat dinner with her mother and father, there they were. The vegetables. Staring up at her from her plate, mocking her. She tried to ignore them, but her mother was an unwitting participant in the war, forcing Donna to eat the vegetables every night, allowing them inside her body for their sleepovers or tea parties or whatever it was vegetables did after they were eaten.

And so it was that on a warm, sunny afternoon in the summer of her fifth year, Donna decided to take the war to the vegetables. She would have to act fast, before her mother came home. Donna asked her father if she could play in the back yard, which he readily allowed. She went up to her room to gather her army.

"You'll come with me, won't you Jeanette?" Donna asked her porcelain doll. Jeanette wore a pretty pink dress, and styled her blonde hair with thick ringlets.

"But of course, mon petit ami," replied Jeanette. "The vegetables must be stopped once and for all." She held out her arms for Donna to lift her from her seat on the dresser. "Un moment," the doll said as Donna headed for the door. "If we must be finished before votre mere returns home, we should take Mr. Clock with us."

"That's a great idea," Donna said. "That way we'll know what time it is." She scooped her alarm clock off the dresser as well.

"If you're going outside, may I come with you?" asked a deep, sleepy voice. Donna's giant teddy bear rubbed his eyes and gazed up at her from his chair. "I love sitting in the sun."

Donna sighed. Her arms were already full with Jeanette and Mr. Clock. "Very well," she said. She managed to close her fingers around the teddy bear's paw and dragged him down the stairs behind her.

As she opened the back door, Donna's puppy barked at her feet. The girl smiled and dropped the teddy bear to pat his head. "Are you coming with me, Puppy?" Donna asked. She was answered with another bark and an eager wag of the tail. Donna let Puppy into the backyard and collected her teddy bear from the floor.

Outside, Donna sat her teddy bear on the lawn and wandered over to her mother's garden. Once in the garden, Donna realized she wasn't sure exactly how to go about ensuring the vegetables never returned to her dinner plate.

"What exactly are we looking for, petite Donna?" Jeanette asked.

"Carrots, potatoes, turnips. The who bunch of them, really," Donna replied.

Donna, Jeanette, and Puppy scoured the garden for any sign of vegetable activity, when a large cucumber suddenly appeared seemingly from no where. "Ewww, yuck!" yelled Donna.

Jeanette bounced excitedly in Donna's arms. "Formidable! Get him. Get him!"

"Ah ha! You'll never stop us!" said the cucumber. He danced around as Donna attempted to capture him. "You'll have to eat us! Tonight, tomorrow night, and every other night there is! Ha ha!"

Puppy barked and ran around the apple tree. "No, Puppy!" yelled Donna. "Get the cucumber! Not the apples!"

"Le chien stupide!" said Jeanette. "There is no time to waste on him, Donna. We must get the cucumbers!"

Donna attacked the cucumbers with vigor, kicking them, stomping them, clawing them where ever she found them. Once the threat had been neutralized to her satisfaction, Donna went in search of Puppy. He was quickly discovered on the opposite side of the garden chasing his tail.

"Silly Puppy!" said Donna. She patted the dog on the head. Puppy licked her hand. "Let's go."

Puppy barked several times, and Donna gazed across the garden to see what had caught his attention. "Duckie!" shouted Donna. Duckie was a large duck with wheels on which Donna liked to sit as she coasted down the hill behind her house.

Currently, however, Duckie wasn't coasting anywhere. He had been tipped over onto his side, and was surrounded by a legion of potatoes.

Jeanette gasped. "Mon Dieu! Monsieur Canard!"

"What's going on here?" yawned the teddy bear as he joined the group.

"The potatoes!" said a wide eyed, disbelieving Donna. She pointed at the gang of spuds. "They've captured Duckie!"

"We must get him back! Vite, vite!" Jeanette said.

The teddy bear waved his arms. "There's no time. Your mom will be home any minute," he said.

"What?" Donna stared at the face of Mr. Clock. Sure enough, it was nearly time for Donna's mother to return home from work. "We have to save him!" she yelled in a panic.

"It's okay," Mr. Clock said. "I'll stop time to give you as long as you need to save Duckie." Mr. Clock ran across the garden, yelling, "Today is a good day to die!"

A white light emanated from Mr. Clock moments before he exploded. Shards of plastic, springs, and cogs rained down on Donna and the potatoes alike. Donna brushed dirt and clock bits from her hair and found the potato army in shambles.

"Now's our chance!" said Donna. She rushed to Duckie's side, kicking potatoes out of her way, but off in the distance she heard the sound of a car door slamming shut.

"Oh no! Mommy's home!" Donna said, looking up at the house.

"We must get out of here!" said Jeanette.

Duckie righted himself, now that potatoes were no longer harassing him. "Onto my back, quickly," he said. "I'll fly you back to the house before she finds you here."

Donna leapt onto Duckie's back and pulled the teddy bear in place behind her. Jeanette clambered on top of the bear's head. Puppy barked and danced around at Duckie's side.

"There's no room left for you, Puppy. I know! If you flap your ears, maybe you can fly with us!" Donna said.

Puppy barked and danced eagerly. As Duckie flapped his wings and went airborne, Puppy caught the wind in his ears and glided along at his side.

"Yay! We did it!" yelled Donna. "We saved Duckie and killed all the vegetables!"

"Oui, I would love to see the look on your mom's face when there are no vegetables to eat tonight," said Jeanette.

"Oh, I don't like flying," said the teddy bear.

Donna giggled. Jeanette pulled the bear's ears. "You big baby," the doll said.

Duckie was suddenly struck with panic. "We're nearly there, but your mom is already in the house. Oh, it's going to be close," he said.

"Donna! What the hell have you done to my garden!" Donna's mother yelled. Donna looked around and saw a complete mess. Vegetables were strewn about the ground, most of them stomped to mush. In a number of places the soil had been dug up, either by Donna's fingers or Puppy's paws, in others deep ruts were gouged into the earth by Duckie's wheels. Donna's clock was smashed in a hundred little pieces. The garden had been ruined.

The woman grabbed Donna's arm, pulled her off Duckie, and slapped her across the face. Donna screamed and began to cry. Large tears poured down her cheeks. Her mother kicked Duckie halfway across the lawn and dragged the girl into the house.

"What's all the blasted noise about?" Donna's father yelled. He stumbled to the back door, smelling of beer.

Donna's mother shoved her into the house. "That daughter of yours has been out digging in my garden. Look at the mess she's made!" She pulled on Donna's arm and yelled, "Go to your room! No dinner for you tonight!"

Donna ran upstairs, crying all the way. She clutched Jeanette tightly in her hand and threw herself face down onto her bed, burying her sobs into her pillow. Downstairs she could hear her parents arguing and Puppy barking.

Donna wasn't really upset when the policeman came and told her she no longer had to live with her abusive mother and alcoholic father. She was taken to live with a set of foster parents and three other children. However, being thrust into a new home was sort of terrifying in itself. For three days Donna stayed hidden in her new bedroom. She still had Jeanette, who's cracked porcelain face, broken finger, and soiled hair were evidence of her battle with the vegetables. Donna had even been allowed to keep Puppy, though he wasn't allowed in her new room. Duckie had been irreparably broken when Donna's mother kicked him, and the teddy bear had lost first his head, then his stuffing during one of her father's drunken rages.

On the fourth day, Donna's desire for food won out over her desire to be left alone, and she wandered downstairs with Jeanette in hand. Donna's foster mother said nothing as Donna sat at the table. She simply smiled and placed Donna's dinner before her. At that moment Donna came to a startling realization.

The Vegetable Wars had only just begun.