July 26--

Was doing a lot of yawning, exercises and hope to become a champion at it. But bear, I'll soon have to put up a fight with Mrs. H. Was busy thinking of my absent customers all day and in the night, I listened to the fight, a new era: we listened to things which formerly had to be seen--so I listened to the fight between T. and H. which was broadcasted across the gutter and was mighty glad that our champion proved to be a real champion and the title guaranteed, remained with us. I went to bed with a sweet lullaby and dreamed of a boxing paradise where everybody was engaged in a free-for-all physical encounter.

July 28--

Made two dozen keys which led me no where and planed down a door that needed a bolting up.

Was very glad to see a gang of husky laborers tear up the asphalt on my block and examined reverently the steam roller anchored tamely near the lamp-post. When the business-tide is low and your blood-pressure high, it's a pleasure to watch something or somebody engaged in action.

During the sunset hours I was very much busy unraveling an entangled roll of rope which I entangled more and more. It was a severe test of nervous endurance which I didn't pass and I put it aside for a second examination. By the time I retired, I was well and tired from plenty of work with scarce results.

Butter And Its Divers Uses

A Treatise

The first and foremost use for butter is: when you happen to be scabby. Just apply good fresh butter over it good and plenty and you'll know the smearing healing value of it.

I remember having a second cousin of mine, on the other side, so he used to come around with a friend of his and that friend always had a greasy, shiny rag over his scalp, like a turban (he is the head Turk in a Coney Island show now)--so he used to explain in detail the wonderful properties of good natural unadulterated butter. He was an intelligent youth and was very clever with his tongue, although not so much with his hands. So he explained that his mother always, always, used butter for the entire family. She was a blessed sprightly woman--his mother was and having had ten heads in the family to take care of, she had plenty of practical experience. So we know the first beneficent use of fresh butter.

The second test use is a case of emergency. We'll say you had a good time on a Saturday night. You came home late. Naturally you wouldn't get up before the A.M. meets with the P.M. and that's just the time the boot black closes his shine parlor and your shoes are dusty and crave for some rouge. Aha! Here is where nature comes to your rescue. Always keep a supply of butter on hand. Apply a good dose of it on your sandals and you'll bring it back to life. It's like a good hair tonic on your bald pate, if you happen to have one. It smarts and invigorates but you can be sure, no hair will grow on it. But, then again you don't want any hair on your shoes. So apply it freely and let it soak.

Butter is also good when your lock is tardy and squeaky: just put in a lump of butter inside its guts and watch it move.

And finally you can use butter as a delicacy. When you are good and hungry, just smear it over your bread, as if you would jam or jelly--don't be stingy, put plenty on it and if you are a few pounds shy of weight, you will gain it by ounces. Just smear it over and let it slide...

Aug. 3--

Ooph-ah it's hot! The hottest day so far. Let's tackle something that is cold. How about ice? Let's see how long we can hold it:--

Mr. Rubano had a good day today. The sun was his best salesman. Before one, not later than two or perhaps three o'clock, he was relieved of his load of ice and was planning to go home and take his Mariucci for a rise on his ice cooled authmachine. He just saved a piece of ice for his own self in the wooden pail and dropped in for a chat to his countryman, the hat cleaner around the corner.

Mr. Schreier was surprised in his lonesomeness by the appearance of his wife and children who tired of their vacation and returned home.

After an exchange of lipshots, or kisses, Mr. Schreier queried: On such a hot day you come home? And we haven't a bit of ice. I stopped the ice man you know, while you was away.

O, you must get some ice, Harry, resumed her command, Mrs. Schreier. Don't forget it's Friday today. I want to make gefilte fish and everything.

But it's too late Molly: you don't see no more ice man around. But for Molly it was never too late. O. just go down, Harry and look around.

Mr. Schreier, like a good obedient soldier, went down to take a chance. He didn't have to go far. Right around the corner he saw an ice wagon. --Good: he called out and took an extra puff on his 5 cent stogy. He approached the wagon but there was no one to talk to.

He waited five minutes, he waited ten minutes, he looked in the butchers, the ice-cream parlor, the bootblack, but there was no trace of the ice man. He then peeped into the wagon to see if he is not waiting in vain. The deck was clear. But he spied a fair piece of ice in the pail gradually melting. He made another round for the ice vender and not finding him he scribbled a note, stuck it on the seat and took the ice upstairs. He then sent his boy dorn with a "quarter" to watch the man and pay him. Finally the ice man appeared and the boy approached him: Mister my father took a piece of ice from your wagon. Here is a quarter.

Vot? Yer fodder tak-e-de ice? Who is yer fodder?--I don't know, mister, the boy shrugged his shoulders and seeing the iceman's eyes protruding like two question marks, he made haste and departed. Sacramento--Vot-e-hell--! Me kennot kip a ting a-fer me self, the iceman was roaring. --So hot--Me sell ice--Me got no ice for me- Sacrrramento!

Aug. 4--

Up early and wondering where so much heat comes from. Also at a loss to know where so much water goes to. Drank nineteen glasses of plain water, five glasses of carbonated sodas, in various forms, slid down a few bricks-in melting form- and by 12 P.M. still feel warm and dry. I am submerging myself with a cold douche. Maybe that will cool me into sleepiness.

A sloppy Negress comes in the store, buys two fuses, takes off her shoe jingling with coins, takes out a dime and hands me it. Next time you put a coin in your mouth,--bear it in mind.

Aug. 9--

My mind is depressed--O just money matters. But, strange as it is, there is a live wire current from the pocket to the skull-cap. It might work in a negative form but it often gives us a positive shock. Many a head-ache is underlined with a dollar sign and a high blood-pressure often pressed with the force of a pecuniary tube spreading gloom and disorder in our system. But the pressure is momentous; it gives you a shock and lets up. So I am waiting for more pleasant sensations.

Aug. 10--

Business is at a stand-still. Thanks to the elements, a good rain storm created a demand for some replacements. Sold some flower pots to replace those broken by the down pour. A new apartment house so well built that it got a baptizing inside out as a house-warming,-- result: every apartment drenched; every tenant has to get new tar-paper to line their closets. All the mops were used to absorb the water, --interpretation--new mops, etc. and so forth.

The law of supply is strictly based on regular and haphazard demand. If it cannot be regular, let it be haphazard but let it come. Cultivate respect for beauty as an antidote against lust and passion.

Aug. 14--

Up early and to the store and to my morning gazette. Was anxious to read about the contemplated separation of the Siamese twin and almost worried for a vanishing fat pay roll. Wished them a happy divorce and decided to clean my window a bit. After dolling it up bearably, I partook for the ninety second time this summer, of a bowlful of shav with a substantial chunk of herring and departed to yank out a portion of a key left broken-hearted in the midst of a key-hole. After separating both successfully, I made haste to adorn a ladies bathroom with a glass shelf and upon having a good hours drilling exercise, I was glad to see the lady show up her surplus of a cosmetic outfit and returned to enjoy the breeze of my steady-running fan.

The rest of the day consisted of a few petty sales, several gulps of various beverages, an eye-throw at a book and then to bed.

Aug. 15--

Up as usual and had my coffee wishing as usual, it were cocoa, but being that the cook is a coffee fiend--the pot boils coffee. Opened the store and opened the mail. As a surprise, I found a check instead of a request for one. No sooner I got it, but it moved along as a feeler of its own good and created a demand for more available funds. I am at ease for hours waiting eagerly to be disturbed but not by my neighbors in quest for change. A tobacco solicitor injects some nicotine in my system by offering me a package of "Gratis Brand" cigarettes for which I am far from being thankful to him, but made so chagrined at myself for being temptful and not being resistance proof. So I kept on puffing a cloud of smoke and watched it disappear--not knowing where.

Aug. 23--

After an absence of three months, I saw Mrs. Hinchik pass the avenue. A little later, Mrs. Pinchik who was away for the summer, came in for a bottle of lemon oil, while Mrs. Poopik, who was also in hiding in the shade corners of the globe, showed her majestic appearance and gave me the honor of delivering her 79 cent order. All these faces gladdened my heart as I saw in them the first sparrows bringing back the bloom of normal business and I opened my arms in expectation of same.

Aug. 26--

Up on time and after a substantial breakfast, I made for the morning gazette but did not have time to do so having had other trifling matters to attend to. So, laid about till one o'clock and departed with two female acquaintances for a shopping tour that bedecked me from toes to collar bone. Only one item was carelessly bought; I was ready to hang my pants up on my underbeing suspended gracefully over my drooped shoulders when I discovered the same trousers being buttonless, therefore not susceptible to the brace of suspenders and so I had to belt myself in the usual manner.

At five of the clock, I transformed myself from a rusty appearance into a princely countenance and by the hour of eight, we were taxied over a la stately fashion to Hopkissme Mansion to the confirmation party of our cousin Master Pi.-- The music was exciting, the handshakes inviting, the atmosphere full of glee. The spirits heightening, all eyes brightening, happy all seemed to be. And we marched in pairs to catered tables, with decorated lights, enchanting Hebrew fables. And so we entertained the night, calling it a memorable day.

A Speech

Friends, Ladies, and Gentlemen--We are all here tonight for one purpose and that is: to wish young Pi good luck on his journey to manhood. This is one of his important stations from where the train of life pulls out. And as he goes along he will witness beautiful scenes as well as others, but all worth while seeing as the mile-stones pass along the road.

At the age of thirteen, we leave behind our childhood and enter into maturity, with its greater responsibilities but also with a wider range of happiness and understanding as our mind opens up and develops the full meaning of life.

We, therefore, say to the Bar Mitzvah: You age welcome in our midst, little man! Store away in your memory a picture-gallery of your childhood, roll up your sleeves and give us a hand in making this world a little bit better--a little bit nicer-- a little bit nobler, then your life will be worth while and you will be a credit to the Jewish race, an honor to your parents and a worthy member of manhood.

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To be continued