Boys Sing Skit 1997

Seth: (as Tevye). A camp director as president. Sounds Crazy, no? But in our little camp at French Woods, you might say every one of us wants our director as president.

Lance: (as Pseudolus). Sing-goers I bid you welcome! The Pavilion is a temple (echo). Tonight, we are here to worship the Gods of winning and loosing. Tonight I am proud to announce that the boys will be winning.

Seth: (Papa's Vamp from "Tradition"… Sings).

WHO DAY AND NIGHT MUST TALK TO ALL THE CAMPERS
FEED SIX HUNDRED CHILDREN,
FIRE ALL THE STAFF
AND WHO HAS THE RIGHT AS OWNER OF THE CAMP,
TO HAVE THE FINAL WORD AT LUNCH!

Lance: (Music Switches to "Comedy Tonight"…sings)

DIRECTORS BALDING, WHEATHER THAT'S SCALDING,
MANY MALE DANCERS WITH THEIR CLOTHING ON TOO TIGHT!
SOME YELLING TOMAS, WITH STRANGE AROMAS
SKUNKS THAT ATTACK YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
HEAD COUNSELORS WHO YELL,
WOMEN WHO SMELL
AND I BET WE'LL ALL GO STRAIGHT TO…

Seth (interrupting): Hey what the heck are you doing here? They told me I was opening sing?

Lance: No, I don't think so, friend. They told me I was.

Seth: Well, who are you anyway?

Lance: I am Dave Nurnburg, slave to the girls... I mean, Glen, slave to Ron. I mean, Pseudolus, slave to Hero. I hope you don't mind me asking you the same, Buddy. EH?

Seth: I am Tevye, slave to my wife.

Lance: Hmm,.. I see. This does present a bit of a dilemma, doesn't it?

Seth: Yes. I actually had some big plans for tonight.

Lance: Oh sorry.

Seth: I guess we'll do it together.

Lance: Fair enough. .

Both: Oh judges. We place ourselves in your hands! Our skit begins...

Lance: At the casting meeting.
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Brian: Okay. Hi Stretch.

Stretch: (Oddly). Hello.

Brian: Hello Harley.

Harley: (Annoyingly). Hiiieee!

Brian: Dewey, what a surprise.

Dewey: Hello! I want to be rich famous and powerful.

Brian: Thanks, Dewey. Are we all met? Where's Bruce. (Pause). Ah Bruce, right on time.

Bruce: Hi, I found this hat in 12-A.

All: (Singing loudly) Dance: Ten, Looks: Three- (Bruce runs off in utter disgust).

Brian: Anyway, let's get the meeting underway

Harley: I want Meritt Baer for Alan Strange. First choice

Brian: I'm sorry. But Meritt Baer is my Danny Zucko,

Dewey: You can't have him. Meritt Baer's my first choice for Lolly. (Sings) Meritt, Meritt, Meritt get your adverbs here.

Ron: No! Meritt Baer for Zach!

Brian: That's it. Since we can't decide on who gets Meritt… nobody does (all groan)' Now. The most important issue of the meeting is who will get Mike Lerman for Chorus this time around. (All directors jump up and down fighting).

Ron: I don't care. I want Sean Dooley (you know the girl's Lieutenant), Shaina Millman, Celia Rubin and J- Rock. Oh and by the way, I'm running for President.

I'M RUNNING (to the tune of "I'm Flying ")

I''M RUNNING
I WANT TO BE,
PRESIDENT
MOT A DIME
WILL BE SPENT
FOR MY CAMPAIGN
I'M BRIBING
SENATORS,
CONGRESSMEN
MAYOR OF HANCOCK,
EVEN GLEN,
I'M NOT EVEN TRYING
I'M PROMISING
AN OLYMPIC SIZE SWIMING POOL
OUR NEW FOOD COURT MAKES YOU DROOL
GWENIVERE
COME HERE I HAVE SOME NEWS TO SAY
BE GOOD WHILE I'M GONE
I'LL BE BACK SOM| DAY
I'M RUNNING
(Speaks)
Ian Winograd… take care of the dogs for me. (He straps on harness taking an incredible long time to put on the harness and flies out the window.)

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(A Dark. Dark, Dark, Bad Guy Type room setting)


Hooded Figure: Are you Mandy?

Andy: No, I'm Andy.

Hooded Figure: As in Mandy and Andy. I was looking for some Candy with Brandy. But Andy as in Mandy and Andy will do.

Andy: No I'm Andy and my feet are sandy. Isn't that dandy?

Hooded Figure: Very Grandy. Did you hear that Gene Mi9nor wrote an operandi?

Andy: Nope. That's a little outlandy.

Hooded Figure: Then you are Andy as in Mandy and Andy with dandy, sandy, candy feet? (Andy nods) Here. (Hooded Figure hands Andy a sealed envelope)
(Andy peeks in the envelope, looks up does his "Sean Dooley God of death laugh" and runs around)

Ian: Hello Gally, Hello Gwen. Did you enjoy my performance in Forum? (Dogs ARF). Should I cut my hair? (Dogs ARF). Do you think I'll make Improv Troupe? (dogs whimper): I drank my menstrual blood (ARF). (Andy jiggles a hot dog on a fishing pole in front of Ian's face). OOOHHHH. Hot Dog!!! (Ian walks away from dogs).

Andy: (Once Ian leaves... to dogs). Hey Dog, you like waterfront? You like paddleboats? Wanna take your swim tests? (This doesn't work.... looks around evilly and grabs Galahad).

Seth: Once Ron left, Toma watched his authority at camp skyrocket. As he began to assume control, the others began to miss Ron's firm hand and iron fist. Oy givalt!

HE'S GONE (to the tune of "I'm Calm.)

All: HE'S GONE, HE'S GOME, NOW EVERYTHING,S WRONG
AND EVERYTHING'S OUT OF CONTROL.
THE P.A IS HAZY,
AND BINNIE IS LAZY
WE KNOW.

HE FLED, HE FLED, THE FEELING OF DREAD,
AND WHERE DID THAT GALAHAD GO?
WITH NICE AND SAD FACES
WE'VE LOOKED IN ALL PLACES
YOU KNOW.

OUR CAMP IS FALLING APART
THE FRUIT PUNCH IS TART
IAN GOT A MAIN PART.
AND THE ROOF'S CAVING IN
FALLING AND DROPPING MAKING OUR HEADS SPIN

Toma: NO RON, NO RON, MY TRROUBLES ARE GONE
THEY'VE LEFT ME A CLEAR OPEN ROAD.
NOW I WILL TAKE OVER
A TOTAL MAKEOVER

Lance and Seth: Toma, You the man!!!

Toma: Once French Woods festival of the Performing Arts...now... with me in control... (sign comes down) French Camp... Festival of the uhhh...z French.

Chris: I need to speak to all the T.I.T.'s after the meal.

Toma: (Turns to audience with a look of glee). Toma's in Training. (To the T.I.T.'s). Line up. (then comes the T.I.T. march. T.I.T.'s march in straight line saying "is like, is like, is like, get out of z bunk!".)
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(Toma on Bed...)

Toma: Now that I'm running the camp I finally can finish this romance novel. (reads) "She remembered the way Melissa Blaine with he perfect cameo face had smiled up at Lance.

(Lance steps on stage, shakes his head, walks off).

Suddenly Lance's hand slid to the back of her gown. With one strong arm he pinned her to his chest so that, try as she might, she could not push him away.

Lance: All right already! Who's idea was this?!

Karen: (sexy) Hi Toma.

Toma: Hi Karen Reda.

Karen: How's camp's favorite Frenchman?

BIG FRENCHMAN (to the tune of Big Spender)

FROM THE MINUTE YOU TOOK OVER THE CAMP
I COULD SEE YOU WEREN'T JUST A HEAD COUCELOR
BUT A REAL BIG FRENCHMAN
WITH YOU I'D LIKE TO DO THE WALTZ.
YOUR'E ALWAYS THERE KEEPING Z PEOPLE OFF OF THE MULCH
NOW LET ME GET RIGHT TO THE POINT
I DON'T LOSE THREE POUNDS FOR EVERY GUY I SEE
HEY BIG FRENCHMAN
JUST SAY OUI TO ME.
DO YOU WANT SOME CROSAINTS
HOW ABOUT A FEW CREPES?
I CAN SHOW YOU SOME GOOD WINE
HEY BIG FRENCHMAN (X3)
JUST SAY OUI TO ME
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Seth: While Toma and the T.I.T.'s were running things at camp, Ron and Issac were busy on the campaign trail. Oy Vey.

Issac: Folks. Folks. People of America, I want you to listen. I was in a bowling alley once and there was a kid that didn't see what the point was. That there was a very bad accident and people got hurt. If ya just tell us where your gonna be and then respect that, then everything can be great. Um. If you need Piano Lessons please see Martin and hey folks. Come on. Aw. Please. Guys. Please stay if you have brown hair and if you were born on the first Tuesday of a month with no more than seventeen days not counting years with a five in the middle. OK. OK. Great. Ladies and Gentlemen, as your vice president I will show you what you can do if you tell me. It's a concept that I have been trying to figure out forever. Thank You. Remember, Hancock is the capitol of the world.

Lennaire: Ron, Ron! The computers! It's try'n to tell me someth'n. I see fluffy ears. Wait. I'm losin' it. The server's down. Here's a backup disk. Oh wait no... here's another. Oh wait no.. Oh wait yes! No. Oh wait YES! It's Duke Nuk'em! Anyone for a duke Match?

(he is interrupted by walkie talkie crackle)

Voice: Is Mr. Ron Schaefer there?

Ron: Yes, this is he.

Voice: I have your dogs!

Ron: (Angry as only Ron can be) GIMME BACK MY DOGS

Ian: (in the walkie talkie background) OOOHHH MMMM HOT DOG.

Ron: Wait... I hear an Ian Winograd. Lennaire, where can I find an Ian Winograd?

Lennaire: Let me do a back round check. Well, there's an Ian Winograd in Nubia, there's an Ian Winograd in Des Moine, an Ian Winograd in Cambodia and an Ian Winograd in Hancock.

Ron: Okay then, let's go to Nubia!

Lennaire: Ron... I just got an e-mail that says that the best idea would be to go to Hancock.

Ron: Okay ten, let's go to Hancock. (pause). Wait!. On the way let's go to the theater. I heard the Pajama game's laying again. ("Dirty Old Man" laugh).
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Seth: Now, back in French Woods, now French Camp... Toma has reinstated a true Six Minor Day. Facachta!

Glen: Wake up Ira.

Ira: Five more minutes Glen, five more minutes.

Glen: But it's six minor day.

SIX MINOR DAY (to the tune of Free.)

Ira:
OH MY WHAT WORDS
OH MY WHAT WORDS
SAY IT AGAIN.

Glen:
6 MINOR DAY.

Ira:
I OFTEN THINK,
I OFTEN DREAM HOW IT WOULD BE
WHEN THERE ARE 6 INSTEAD OF THREE

Glen:
SIX MINOR DAY

Ira:
BUT WHEN THE DAY FINNALY ARRIVES
MY STOMACH TINGLES WITH A WARM FEELINMG INSIDE
TODAY THE CAMPERS REALLY REALLY NEED ME.
CAN YOU SEE ME?
CAN YOU SEE ME AS A HERO SWITCHING MINORS HERE
SWITCHING MOINORS THERE

Glen:
SIX MINOR DAY

Ira:
WITH MY BODY HAIR EXCITED STANDING UP ON END,
MINORS ARE MY FRIEND.

Glen:
SIX MINOR DAY

Ira:
YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR 112 OR 392
DOESN'T MATTER YOU'LL HAVE FUN EITHER WAY
JUST THINK OF ME BEING YOUR SANTA CLAUSE,
I'LL DELIVER ALL YOUR MINORS IN A MAJOR WAY.
I HAVE NO LIFE I JUST DO MINORS EVERY DAY.
WHEN YOU SWITCH THEM I START TO FEEL HAPPY AND GAY
IF YOU'LL CAHGE THEM!
I'LL ARRANGE THEM!
SAY IT!

Glen:
SIX MINOR DAY

Ira:
SPELL IT!

Glen:
6 M-I-N-O-R

Ira:
NO THE LONG WAY

Glen:
S-I-X-M-I-N-O-R-D-A-Y

Ira: (speaking)
The public needs me... I must GO!

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Seth: Toma in his beautiful office with an additional stair case leading now where just for show, just received some startling news. Keneshtansen oif tsvi chasenah mit einem tuchas!

Toma: It says here in the Hancock Herald. "Hancock Bought By Sub Way" and "Candidate to return today." Sacre Bleu! I must stop him. Quick! Barricade the camp. (sings short Les Mis Barricade Song).

Seth: No wait. Ron didn't get the right. Mushugunah.

(Toma precedes to barricade the camp with some paper cups, towels, soda cans and burping kid)

(Enter Ron... He sings...)

MY DOG (to the tune of "My Bride")

RON:
MY DOG, MY DOG
I'VE COME TO FIND MY DOG
I HOPE SHE IS NOT STUCK UNDER A LOG.
LET HASTE BE MADE
IAN MUST BE WEIGHED
THERE ARE COUNSLERS TO FIRE
KIDS TO HURT
AND INSPECTORS TO BE PAID!

ALL:
LOOK AT THAT BELLY
LOOK AT THAT TOE
LOOK AT HIM
EVEN LOOK AT HIS FRO

RON:
NO NO NO NO NO NO
I RONALD SCHAEFER
I THE BEST CAMP DIRECTOR
I PAL TO MIKE BAER
CREATOR OF MY HAIR
FRENCH WOOD SHIRTS I DO WEAR
OF THE CAMP
HERE COMES A MUSIC VAMP

("Big Spender" vamp. Ron Dances)

GWENIVERE, GWENEVIRE,
I'VE COME TO FIND MY DEAR
I'VE LOOKED EVERY WHERE FROM FAR TO NEAR
OH ME, OH MY
ONCE MORE I TELL YOU WHY
THERE ARE CAMPS I SHOULD BE BUYING
TO PARENTS I SHOULD BE LYING
SEARCHING I WILL GO THROUGH THE FOG
BRING ME MY DOG!

Ron: To make sure no one ever takes my power... presenting... THE HEAD!!!

(giant Ron's Head appears)

Ron: Now! After that man. He has my dogs.
(Ron runs after Toma and other ad-lib. When stage is clear, Andy runs on with dogs. He sniffs giant bucket of Vegemite and shows signs of pleasure. Ron chases Toma across the stage)

Random kid #1: (picks up blue thing) Look, it's the sound guy's mohawk!!!!

Dave Nurnberg: (Hands stack of papers to girl lieutenant)

Girl: Thanx for the music Dave!

(Andy runs across stage with a hot dog on a fishing pole -- Ian is chasing him shirtless. Randy enters stage right, Howie enters stage left)

Randy: Howie, catch!

(Throws backpack, Howie catches it -- both exit. Karen enters, Ron and Toma run by -- Karen after Toma. Stretch walks by on stilts)

Andy: Nice air cut!!!

(Giant moth runs by)

Random Kid # 2: Guys, where do you think you are? A Jeff Maynard show??

(Toma and on run by... Toma hides in trap. Ron leaves, Karen stays -- Toma exits trap. Toma punches Karen. Toma runs off and gets T.I.T.'s

Toma and T.I.T.'s: Is like, Is like, we have to pick up Karen.

(They try really hard to pick up Karen, but end up just shoving her off. Issac runs on.)

Issac: After those horses!!!

(Issac runs off. Every one runs back and forth across stage until the giant Ron Head yells: stop

Giant Ron Head: STOP

(Every one looks at head)

Ron: (viciously) Toma! Where is Gally?

Toma: Is like, Is like.. I don't know where he went.

Head:
Look for the shorts that end at the thighs
And a voice as sweet as candy.
The man who can tell you where Galihad lies
Is the man who's known as Andy!

Ron: (Begins to unload on Andy and fires him) How could you do this! You're from New Zealand!

Andy: he bribed me, he hit me where it hurt most! (whimpering)

Ron: And who is this strange man?

Andy: Him!

(Points off stage to the hooded figure who comes on in his garb and is arrested. Hood is removed.)

All: Egad!

Ron: Frank, from Sub Way?? How did he bribe you?

Andy: (pulling a vegemite add form the envelope) He told me I could create a new sans which. THE VEGEMITE DELIGHT!!!!

Ron: They'll be no vegemite where you guys are going...
(Andy and Frank are led off stage)

CLOSING (to the tune of "Comedy Tonight")

LANCE:
DOGGIES AND OWNER
NO LONGER OWNER
RON LOVES HIS CANINE FRIENDS

ALL:
WE GUESS THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

LANCE:
TOMA IS LOW AGAIN, BACK WITH US MORTAL MEN
NO T.I.T.'S AROUND WITH RON HERE TONIGHT!
RON MAY NOT BE PRES.
BUT HE'S STILL DARN SWELL,
AND I THINK HE SURE RINGS MY BELL!

ALL:
WE HOPED YOU LIKED OUR SKIT
AND EVERY SILY BIT
BUT NOW IT'S DRAWING TO A CLOSE....

RON IS PRES TOMMOROW..... SING SKIT.... TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!