Walk for miles on the beach and you'll find your own foot prints to follow...
September 16th
Forgive me not for I am grown
And those who love me will soon know
to "save" me not from my mortal grave
Where my tears can slip
from my sun stained cheeks.

After not writing on here and letting my life be seen on a public site I know now that I need a place to write to people whom I want to see it or I think can understand my feelings. 
I know I'm no good at this computer stuff but it was worth a shot right? I mean this is my life. 

I don't think half of the things that I wrote on my own web page were understood.  This is my way of making myself see what even I meant.

  
Chair filled empty classrooms
Empty halls
Forgotten Children
Harboring imvisable flaws
Too many teenagers to see that one
Before I saw him time had gone.

Oh may the gods forgive me
I was so in search of gifts
I forgot humanity
I forgot what resides in an innocent soul

An Abandon desk
An warm hand
Give me warm living eyes
So I can caress his soul or at least
Grant me the grace
To see him.

Grace
9-17-04

To many dreams; so little paper...
The homecoming dance was last night and it made me want to grow up even more.  Not to mention notice how much I've changed over the past few years. 

There was a time when I was a party nut.  I loved the sweat on my skin after dancing.  I loved the sparkles on a persons creamy body as they danced.  The lights that sparkled in clubs and the pulsing of the music, as alive as any living thing, brought me to life aswell and promised me the hope that everyone speaks of.  The taste of drinks burning my throat and the stench of the smoked fags produced where signs that I was young and that life was free. 

Not anymore. My body didn't loose the beat but that other part of me did.  Or maybe it's the fact that I don't need it anymore. 

I had more fun at treys house playing video games and watching King Kong with Dan and Logan then I did last night at the dance or at the after party Kathy dragged me to.

My first thought was that I was loosing myself and my identity, but after thinking about it I know that I am slowly but surely coming back to life.  It's just not the one that I had before.

I am a new animal.
September 19th
I typed this up on word but it won't let me move it to here.
But I can give you a link for it! 

www.oocities.com/wtfrodo/boysandtoys.htm 

I warn you that this is a very deep thing that I wrote to express what I felt today and ever.  Please don't judge!
September 23rd
If you have any comments please e-mail me at erika.artimis@gmail.com.
September 26th
WIth the appearance of my darker half the world seems to be boiling down again into black and white, hate and love.  Still humanity is suffering and I am feeling every moment of it with painful prospective.  It should have been a simple truth to be a teenager in this world.  The worries of homecoming and that silly term paper should be the first things that come into my mind when the sun rises with me in the morning.  Still the fears that have fallen on me should not be given to a child like I have come to relieze that I am. 

Last night I was having a wonderful time.  I went and saw a movie with Pat and Matt.  Such a thing is so joyful to me in the storm that I am facing.  Christain called in the middle of supper at IHOP and Pat told Matt to be quiet so that he could hear what I was saying.  Nothing important but he wanted to make sure I wasn't in pain.  I wish he wouldn't worry so.  Nothing that hasn't happend before to me can happen now. When I hung up Matt asked who it was but Pat distracted him.  No one else needs to know. 

I ask myself more and more often now why I will not let anyone or even mayself heal.  With the absents of Erich from my life, there is but one reminder of the past I so wish to forget.  I should be able to survive that.  Still my wings will not seem to heal and the child in me cries in pain from being locked away for so long.  Still I linger. 

The people that love me try to understand.  They try to heal me.  Still the sun shine is ever looming with clouds.  At least this time I can see the sun though.  That has to be a step forward. 
Broken and feeling
Heal my wounds
Salt of ones skin lasts dies so fast
Forget not the sun
The touch of the sky
God, save my tear drops for later

Let the wind take me
Let the sea spray cling
The ocean of thoughts that plagues my mind

The tides will raise
The night will say good bye
And my heart will charish you forever.

Salt On My Skin
9-26-04
September 27th
Right this whole thing is meant to be about my feelings right?  Right now I feel like a horrid person, confused as to why I feel like I am towards a certain individual, and terribly frightened.  I don't want to say what about on here cause I don't want to worry then but I am frightened again and all I want is someone to be there and protect me.  I know that it sounds silly and weak but is it really wrong? Just to have someone there to hold my hand for the first time in forever? 

Not that I have it that bad and all.  I have friends around me all the time but I still feel so alone.  I could stand in the middle of a room and scream and I don't think that anyone would hear my cries. 

I woke up last night and I could still see the face of my tormenter and feel his icy cold breath on my neck in my minds eye.  God why can I not forget?  Why am I not allowed to live?  Grant me such grace!

This is why I think that there must be a god.  Because he needs to be there so that there can be a devil; such a more comforting idea then that of the devil that resides in each human.  I've never seen god...but I have been touched by Lusifer...I've seen his face and felt him grab at my soul with childlike playfulness.  I hate to have my friends think that because they desearve some sort of hope.  But all the same there 'god' doesn't seem to care.  The devil does.  You have to fight him off for yourself.  There is no divine being that will come to your aid. 

My guilt kills me....
For Someone Speacil...

Try and take the high road
Remember we were friends
I want to be your cyrstal baller
I want to be your diamond ring

The one I never gave you
And the promise that it brings
Let me be your crystal baller
I will show you everything.
I'll be your crystal baller

~Third Eye Blind
Crystal Baller
September 28th
I"ve moved around alot in my life and because of this I can't say I have ever really had a real place to call home.  SOmetimes I envy the people that have lived in a place for their entire lives.  Still there is a place that I always come back to that I should think is my home; a place where the sea and the sky meet over the clean grains that last for eternity. 

This place is a real and tangable island, not some home that I find inside of my ouwn mind to give me peace.  In this place I can sift sand in between my slender fingers.  As I walk along the afternoon beach the grains burn my feets souls sweetly.  The boardwalk viberates above me to the classic melody of "Under the Boardwalk" playing welcomly from an old surf hut.

In the center of the island there is a set of old rail road tracks, long abondon, sitting contently in retirement.  I walk down them bear foot in solitude as a breeze from the surrounding ocean rushes along the casume.  Do I want to share this place?  This Haven?  This Sanctuary?  No, this place is mine until I feel they desearve it.

When I sit on the black stone of the jetty that nearly claimed my life at night, with the moon creating water colour on the oncoming waves, I sometimes wish that I had a soul to share it with but then I would have to share the memories with them aswell.  Yet I know that the stars glimmer over that peice of sea just for me. One seldom finds this sort of peace in the chaos of the world.  Still, here I can stop time for whomever, whenever I chose, though I have not yet found someone desearveing of a gift of this magnitude.  Does anyone even want that peace but me or is it a paradox only I crave?

I wach my soul clean in that water, though like a jealose lover the sea wishes me to eternitaly abide in its depth.  I feel content for slipt seconds when wrapped in its warmth.  Certainly I was not meant for times such as these.  I was born for the sea and its depth ( like the depth of a certain individuals soul), tender and caressing, brings the hollow life left in me to the surface

If you ask me what creature I should have been I can already tell you: I am a nymph.  Mornful, beautiful creatures with songs that can kill a man or make him the most powerful being in the world.  My skin always shimmering with crystals of sea water, salt covered like my skin. 


In my mind I can still imagine the salty breeze rushing though my hair.  The water running over my ankles and dragging the sand around them.  As I close my eyes to bloke the moon light from my softened eyes and wash over my face, warm, strong arms wrap around me, sheltering the child like innocence I still retain. 

I will chose in that moment to forget....
Eyes to the sky
Back to the sand
Starlight caress my body
Tender lover he was
Eterninal lover forgives me

Sand and water
Cleanse my body
Wash away the dirt of manhood
Soiled, lonely creature
Whos touch I crave

Given the gift
The blinding sight
The grace of knowledge
I must forsake it
Wishing for hope not sight

Eyes on the earth
Wishing a different pain
Can you see my soul friend
Look into me
Steal back my soul....

Forsaken Gift
9-27-04
Religion
These are my final statments on the religiose argument I have been involved in.  Maybe there is a god.  But if he exisits then he doesn't care about me.  I have come to terms with that because I have held hands with the most horrid creature any of us has ever known.

Still I find it wonderful that some of you still have hope.  For some people desearve that.I however do not have that luxury because I have to deal with the devil inside my head every moment.  If you have hope in me it is wasted and you should give up and put it somewhere else
I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The out line that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you draw the line
I don't need to solve this case
I don't need to look behind

I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side...

Do I expect to changet the past I hold inside
With all the words I say,
Repeating over in my mind
Somethings you can't erase no matter how hard you try,
An Exit to escape is all theres left to find.

I close my eyes
Let the whole thing past me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo can subside...
~Echo
Trapt
I need to take this songs advice....

It doesn't make sence to put people in a position where they are more then likely to get hurt.  I try to do the morally justified thing as much as I can, unfortuanetly it doesn't always work out that way.  It seems like people are all wanting to to get hurt at this point in time.  In the past two days I have seen more friends willing to toss themselves into crisis because something could hurt me then I ever thought possible. 
Still, no matter how kind, I do not understand this nature.  Perhaps I do from females because of the insticts they have, but from a man?  Something I still can not entirly beleive is true. 

It's curois to me that I should be willing to take such a risk at this point in time when the thing that could so burtally hurt me is what made me aware of mans true nature to start with.  I should not be putting myself in such a naviee postion when I know that this individual is all to capible of causeing me emotional tramma though he does not know it.

Ever so emotional my friends are.  It is surprising that they have lasted this long in the world.  Though they have been somewhat hurt (not exactly to the same extent as I but still) they continue to think with their hearts.  What I would give to take their battle scars from them at this point.  Yet they wear then so proudly.  Human nature, in this way, is such a walking controdiction.   

If my heart tells me yes but my head tells me no, which do I trust?  It seems most people act on their desire yet that is reason why so many people are so emotionally crippled at such an early stage of life.  Which do I follow?  Not like it matters now.  I made my choice and hurt my own wellness.  Perhaps my head is just as dangerous as my heart at this stage of my development. 
October 1st
NEXT PASAGE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! CAN'T HANDLE DON'T READ!
October 3rd
The next passage is not for the faint of heart.  If you can't not handle violence don't read this.  I have warned you. 

Yesterday was the worst and best day of my life....mostly worse but thanks to the help of my friends I think that I learned alot about the relationships I have with them. But let me start at the beginning. 

After Pat picked me up from a canceled SAT coarse we went out for lunch.  I releized that I hadn't eaten in two days because I had been so preoccupided with Christain coming.  He dropped me off at home waited because there was a car sitting in the front of my house that neither of us knew.  He left after a few minutes as I preceeded to check the house.  I found a note jotted down, scary and sisister in every way: "Why are you running from me toy?  I WILL be back."  My phone rings and I nearly jump out of my skin.  Its Pat.  I pick up and as you can imagine I am somewhat flustered.  Pat, being Pat, notices.  I tell him that everything is fine and that theres just a note (leaving out the will be back part).  Pat says he's on his way back over and that he is going to blow off the rest of work, but I protest.  When I hang up we both get online and start talking again.  He was still worried and kept saying that he was coming over and I keep telling him not to.

We were both silent for a long time.  I heard the doorbell and sigh.  Walking down the steps I see a silotte of a boy wearing a blue shirt.  Thinking its Pat I unlock the door.  Seconds later I see my mistake.  Christain walked in and proceeded to look around.  After talking to him for a moment I tell him that I have to go put up an away message so no one will come over.  I tell pat that I have to go.  "That makes me think he's there."  Pat tells me.  I sigh knowing that none of this can go well and will probably result in one of two things if not both: rape and abuse.  "He is."  I tell Pat.  "But everything is fine."  ...No responce.

I feel a hand grip my neck and yank me up by it enough to hear it snap.  "Bad idea toy."  Christian muttered. 

Having been pulled up from the chair I look at him in his icy blue eyes.  "He's going to come."  I tell him though I am unsure of what my best friends actions will be. 

This was evediently the wrong thing to say to a phycodic ex and he slaps me across the face with enough force to make me fall backward were it not for his hand still clenching my neck like a vice.  I don't make a noise.  I didn't scream, I didn't cry I didn't even whimpper at the burning in my cheek.  He bent don and kissed me.  I have not felt so dirty in a long time.  Being kissed my him is like being kissed by the devil.  I bit down on his lip hard enough to make him bleed.  I can still after a night taste him and its killing me still.  I feel so dirty, like such a whore. 

He slaps me again and glare at him.  God help me even if I can't defend myself and am a whore  I will bloody be a definent whore!  He slaps me again and I wince this time before he leave.  I lock the door behind him.  Taking the stairs three at a time I run to my bathroom and brush my teeth until my gums start to bleed. 

The door bell rings again and I walk past it to get an ice pack for my neck.  Going to the door I check this time carefully.  Its Patrick.  I open it and he just looks at me for a long moment and I know what he's thinking.
Whore. His eyes kill me sometimes because they are so like Christains.  Same blue but there is a soul behind them. I tell him that he left when he saw that Pat would be coming.  I can't remember exactly what I said but I know it had the words, "just go back to work" in it.  I walk away from the door.  Not having the mental capasity to close it or make sure he leaves.  He doesn't and watches as I ice my neck.  I don't tell him what happend til later that day.  I can't look up.  My neck feels like it has been torn in two and my face is throbbing.  Pat hugs me and I whimper for a moment into his chest, still I can't cry for something that was my fault.

The rest of the day is Pat trying to make me forget about it and checking on me like something horrid had happend.  It is a pity that something of this sort happens but it is a fact of life, one I am ready to take as puishment.  Nothing is new about this situtation.  Its an old game that I never knew that I joined. 

Pat, Ellen and I fall asleep in in the queensized bed in my parents room.  I can say that this morning I have never felt safer as two people I adore slept peacfully next to me, feeling the warmth of another person is not to under estimated. I know that what happened to me was so that I would be alone and never forget the things that I've done.  This makes me able to protect them.  I'd do anything to take their scars away.  I'd rather be the dirtiest person in the world then let them have to feel it; oh wait...I already am.
Dirty Whore.....
October 3rd
I know that it is wrong for me to be pondering this in such a stage of my development but resently I find myself wondering if perhaps I was wrong.  Perhaps love can exisit in a plutonic form.  Human nature is at a point in its evolution where you have some people that are new (careing thinking individuals who put the lives and well being of others above their own) and the old (more self centered drama kings and queens who will do what needs to be done for themselves).

Until present developments in my life I have only dealth with the old type of person.  Maybe not even that.  An insane character whos purpose in life is to mainly experiment with broken individuals like myself.  Unfortunetly for my mind there have been several people of late who deminstrait actual characterists of being good human beings. Hard to beleive I know.

So is it possible that if good people can exisit other things that I didn't think could exisit actually do?  Could feelings that I shut down and smoother actually be those of love instead of infatuation? Is it possible that such an emotion as romantic love exisits at all?  Such thoughts can not be good for my mind.  For I am no mere human girl.  I'm a spectator in the sport of life now.  All the same, I think I am slowly being to understand man kinds attraction to it. It is a safe feeling that you get when someones arms are wrapped around you.  

When I told you to leave me
I didn't mean to be put at arms length
The most painful torment.
I didn't mean to be held
God knows that I didn't want it
Despite the ease it brought to me
The peace you brought into my soul

Forgive me
I knew not that my heart was not stone
I knew not that my feelings ran so deep
I was unaware
And in being so lost my chance
Stepped out of line and turned into a bystander

The grains of life fall over your eyes
Yet I know that I am not what they wish to see
You will never wake in the morning  Wonder where I am.
But I will treasure you
Because its the only thing left for me to do


Treasure
12.10.04
So many questions, so little time to think...

Am I allowed to be this way? 
Why didn't I call the police?
Why didn't I call anyone?
Why can't I feel like I used to?...as in not?
Why did I all the sudden start to care?
Why can't I love a guy who loves me too?
Why do I still feel so dirty?
Is this my fault?
Did I do something horrid to someone?
Why am I asking to get hurt?
Why can I toy feel pain?
Is there something that went wrong when I started living?
Am I doing the right thing trying to push away from the one guy that I trust?
Why is it so hard to let him go?
Do I really desearve better then this?
Do I desearve anything at all?
Can I deal with all of this without breaking?
Who came up with the damn rules for this game?
Sick and twisted or redemption?
If I dream someone will leave me, will they?
Why is
HE so fixated on me but no one that sees me as human does? 
Girl or woman?
Love or infatuation?
Ideals or morals? 
Life or death? 
Chain or gun down the enemy?
Am I just like Christain?

Will I ever be free or just die.....?
October 13th
The rain today was beautiful.  It sent calm shivers along me as I listened to it running down the windows, making magical trails of crystal down the glass.  If we were in the north it would have created small stars of ice and frost that remind me of a story my grandmother used to tell me.  I doubt that you all would know it.  Its called the Snow Queen. 

I always chide people about how ideaolist they are but in truth this story is one of undying love and virtue, something that you learn whehn you little because your parents think it will keep you innocent. 

I havn't seen snow in a while and it makes my heart sad.  True that I don't like being cold but when its freezing out it only gives you reason to bundle up in soft warm cloths and drink hot chocolate.  There is just something that I miss about the white dust of winter hitting the window as I fall asleep at night.  Something even more enchanting then the rains loving caress. 
In loving memory of Christopher Reeves
"He made us beleive men could fly." 
Superman
October 14th
I wash my hands of this!  When my ex-boss tells me I'm beautiful before you do and I wish it was you saying it, I thinik it's safe to say Its time to cut this!

What can I say?  I am a girl.  I want to feel love or at least know that someone cares about me in return.  I want to feel pretty and it wouldn't hurt to hear it once in a while but hell!  This just proves that I'm a guy to everyone. 
October 16th
There's only one song that can express my feelings today and probably none of you know it.  Its called Gunning Down Romance by Savage Garden. 

I'm gunning down romance, it never did a thing for me but heart ache and misary!  Ain't nothing but a tragidy...
What got me in this state today you do or don't wonder?  Well, first off Pat forgets to call me at nine to wake me up so I wake up an hour later and notice that I have lost an entire hour of my day.  I get strait to work.  I don't bother to shower and just rinse my face off and take to the computer to start my slave labor for the little shit novices who steal stuff out of my binder and don't write their cases. 
I
work for 4 solid hours before even getting up to really wash my face and put on real cloths.  Then I releize that I have to make sheets for newspaper and do all of that stuff.  So basically I work my ass off all day so that I can do sometonight.  Ellen never calls me back so she's with Robert.  Okay fine, whatever.  Pat going out with Ella....thanks for telling me since we've been on aim all day.  Wendy's going out with Evan or something...Does every one in this freakin world have someone but me?!
I am so sick and tired of being the girl that people call when their Boyfriends or Girfriends are busy! 

The only bright spot of today was Andrew from Ohio calling me and talking to him for 15 minutes. 

I'm sick of being the best friend that lets herself get walked on, I'm sick of being the one in the corner without haveing a date.  I'm sick of falling apart and no one being there to pick up the peices.  this isn't the way I was meant to turn out now that Christains not calling as much and Erich has releized that I'm not his girl. 

I know that this sounds so hypocratical since I preach that there is no such thing as love and those who beleive in it are ideolist.  But what if I'm wrong?  Its not like that never happens.  what if there is someone out there who can pick up the peices?  What if I already pushed them away....

I'm gunna take these brocken wings....and learn to fly again....
Forgive me for not forgiving
I know I should be the last to judge
Still
Bruises and blisters
Cuts and Harsh words
Give me the knewledge that
Even if I wanted to help you nothing
Would suffice
Need for me is not in a forcful hand
It does not lie on the handmarks
Imprinted on my body
Harsh midnight lines like an abrstract painting
Where you discovered your madness.
I was never good for you
nor you for me
The darkness in both of us was complimented
Nothing good or just or pure
nothing that he gives to me.
When you called to apologized nights ago I thought maybe something had changed
Maybe the evil we created had released you
Maybe our lust was gone
I was wrong and everyone
EVERYONE but me saw it.
Always that was your game
It make me weak so I could be
A white canvas for a twisted painting
Paint me red Christain
Because my passion returns with
the Blacks and Blues you gave me
To remind me of your control
But there is something that you didn't count on
Another player in my life
Anothers whos touch and voice heals
Paint me red.

Paint Me Red
10-20
October 29th 2004
I feel so stupid, so naviee that I beleived one of you could be different.  God knows I want to trust you but I don't wantr to die.  Today when I passed out after giving blood, the life force that is the onloy thing making me human any longer,  I knew that I wished you were there to pick me up, that merely seeing your face would help me.  And I hate it. 
You have no idea the pain that I am going through right now.  You have no idea how much I want to tell her.  I wish I didn't know nature so that I could forgive you.  But you made me beleive something that was not true.  You made me doubt my insticts.  Insticts that told me that you were just as bad as the others.  I don't know how I feel about you anymore.  How can I still trust you?  I gave you hope and left none for myself and you knew that.  And you still took it away.  You continue to take it away.  And then you tell me not to go like there is still something to stay here for.  And you tried to hug me but I couldn't cause I knew that it was false.  I don't know weither to beleive that everything you said to me was a lie.  Every hug, every kiss, everything that made me beleive in you and you hurt me with it.  And you meant to!  I just don't understand why and I don't understand why I still trust you....
October 31st, 2004
THe halloween party was rather drab last night and fgelt like a normal night out with friends.  Only that we were dressed up as different people.  To back the costumes didn't reflect ourt personalities cause that would have made it far more poetic.  Costume list on the other side.  Ellen and I helped set up all day and I continued to get dizzy.  The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was doing this so that other people would enjoy halloween while tonight I will be stuck at home doing homework and passing out candy to innocent little ones who have no idea what this holiday means to those who founded it. 
After setting up we went out to eat.  (we being me, ellen, Alex, and Russell)  I feel really sorry for Russ about his situation with Mary because I know exactly how he's feeling, second best, even when you're the one who is always there for the person. 
Ellen and I went back to her house and I ended up falling asleep and I serously wonder if I was going to wake up.  We got dressed and went over back to Alex's house (in Katy).  No one showed up until later.  The party itself was fun enough besides for the constant interuption of an ex that won't go away.  (Pat is mad at me vbecause there is nothing I can do to keep him away.)  We played Halloween twister in which Corey fell on me and crushed me...Ouch.  We played limbo in which I sucked cause my back hurt like hell from falling.  Then we played pass the orange once.  After that we went up stairs and watched House of 1000 Corapses, which has to be one of the worst movies I have ever EVER seen and that includes german and french dubbed movies and Vampires vs. Zombies.  After that we went out to the walmart in richmond then I went home.  It was kinda a boring night.

Costumes
Me:  Boy Scout
Ellen: Maiden
Dave: college student.
Pat: Han solo
Ella: Leia
Alex: Indiana Jones
Izz: Amazon
Ash: Pirate
Robert: ...don't know
Cory: sameri
Danielle: dark angel

November 2nd, 2004
Evidently my article on the 29th hurt someones feelings so I am going take a second to apologize.  Sorry.
Okay now that I've done that...I started Karate on monday and that was fun.  I really enjoyed my first lesson dispite Pats laughing atme in a gi. So mean.  Not to mention that you never called me back today.  As I of coarse expected you not to.  BUt the class was fun and the people were noce so I can't wait to go back tomorrow.  Its been raining all day and it feels nice.  I got to curl up in my chair and sip at tea while writing sensless poetry and creating imaginary emotions to shelter my own.  I went out during5th lession and took pictures of the girls soccer team doing diving headers, in which I got as muddy as they did and had to change into a debate shirt in the class room.  BUt the shots were amazing and it felt good to get down and dirty in my work again.  I fear that I have been neglecting it and don't intend to let that last any longer. Work needs to come first even though it is majorly stressing me out.  I am considering crawling into a corner, locking my doors, curling up into a little ball and logging off life. 
Broken wings heal in time
The time it takes to loose faith
These broken wings healed far to late
To fly in the sun again
Lost in time
The time it takes to reach and pull up
I was forgotten and abandon again.
Maybe broken wings can never heal
Maybe these wings weren't made to fly.
Maybe I'm making excuses.
Maybe someday I will feel alive.

Broken Wings Forgotten
11.2.04
Love is not lustful caress or
That silly little crush you have
Love is not walkign down the hall
And picking out that beautiful boy
The one that never talks to you
Love isn't that fleeting feeling you get in your stomach
When you get your frist real kiss.
Love is the constant thought
The knowledge that
I would give up my own happiness
if it meant putting a smile on a persons face.
Love is the wings that you will take to death
if it means you can see to that
Speacil persons happiness.
I've mixed love with pleasure and seen the horror it causes
Love can be killed
it can be hiden.
It can give you wings to fly or fall
Sitting in silence without the urge to speak
knowing that a hug is all you need.
You don't need to kiss cause what is meant to be convayed in a kiss
Is already understood.
Let such a thing be enough to hold me here.
TO not let me run to the arms of one that lusts after me
For if it is not, I shall surely fall
God I beg not to fall.

Falling
11.06.04
Fire
I do not pretend
My body, ashen and white with lack of life
Was not your canvas for a time
As I let it be now in sacrific
I pray so dearly
The boy I knew will return
It is not possible any more is it?
You carry his face
But you are a demon,
Burning with fire in his once cryatle blue eyes
I want so much for you to release him. 
But I do not beleive in heaven nor hell
Angels nor demons
Only the demon in each one of us
Did you take my demon and merge it with his
Pregnant with evil little one?
Is this why I feel no hate or violance?
Are you
An evil which I was mother to
And wish to stop.
But you, demon, wont let me. 
He is not mine to save is he?
Would you have me fall with him as a punishment
For planting such an evil in my wom? 
Mother of a demon am I? 
Was I given a soul not him?
You made a mistake giving it to me
I am no brillant one
I haven't the resorces to make this world better
You chose the wrong demon....
...made the wrong Angel....

8.11.04
Angel Mother
November 13th,2004
The days are getting colder here again, though where I live cold is not really ice and snow fall. All the same the days are starting to nimp and the nights are even worse.  I slept four hours last night only because one of my friends told me that I needed to.  This was more sleep then I have had all week...
Last night we went out because some friends were home from college for the weekend.  I was the third or firth wheel the entire night and it hurt.  Like really hurt. 
Still I watched my best friend place his sweatshirt over his girlfriends shoulders I had to smile.  I did not beleive a person could really be so sweet in real life while desiring nothing in return.  This simple gesture is amazing and loveing.  Part of me wishes it was me while I was turning blue from the cold aswell.  All the same, I do not think that I could be capible of handling such an action.  I am not sweet Ella or beautiful Ellen and I never will be nor do I want to be.  Love is not someything that truely would bring happiness to me anymore.  Still I will not bring myself to loose faith for the rest of the people around me. 

God gave some wings to help them fly, some to fall....yet I?  I was not given wings at all.
November 14th,2004
I hope I am not betraying my gender by saying this but it really made my day. 
I have been really bad about myself lately.  Today I went cloths shopping and found that in my loose of weight I have dropped 20 lbs in a month without noticing.  To a guy this may seems silly but it felt really good.  Later today I was walking in the mall when this guy stopped me and told me that I was really beautiful and gave me him number.  Again, may seem stupid.  But I find that it made me feel really nice.  My guy friends alway joke that I have big boobs or things like that but never once have these guys, that I feel so much for, told me that I look beautiful.  It can be really important to a girl even thoough it seems silly and little. 
Tell your girl friends and female friends that they are beautiful.  It makes them feel so great.  there is my little secret for you.  God knows I would love to hear it from someone who knows me and hasn't just seen me in the mall.
November 16th
The darkness sitting in a thick blanket over the world outside seems to make others around me feel sad and distrot.  To me this balance of light and dark again is very refreshing.  It's a calming reminder that the year is almost over again and life is moving into a more placid state.  The passion brought by summer again gives way to the calming age of winter, sitting in a beautiful state over the world. 
Were I at home snow flakes would have already fallen over the school yard and train station. The winds would have brought the darkness of winter and calm consent of age pver the land that I love.  Here a light drizzle sprays in shards over the hardening ground. One of the things I miss about the cold is the feeling of ice growning on my skin. You can't get that here the way you could in Germany.  I miss the ice flowers that used to grow on my windows.  When my little cousins asked me where they came from I told them the same story that my older cousins had told me.  That faries leave them as gifts for us.  I love telling my little cousins stories.  They're so young and so innocent.  I wish I lived closer so that I could help them grow up or at least watch. 
I'm starting to think that I may want kids someday.  Its really sad to me since there is a good chance that this is not at all possible.  That I would realize this now that I know I want what I can not have.  Its so much like how I didn't miss the snow and the calm it brought me until it was gone and I couldn't freeze in it anymore. 
I'm doing a good job at being happy again.  Or at least pretending too.  Now that Christain is gone it is alot easier to fake a smile and a hug. 
So I'm happy to report that things are going back to normal.  
21st November
It continues to rain here and I don't mind.  Still, it is rather annoying that I am not allowed to go walking in it at the moment.  I got my belly button pierced yesterday.  People told me it would hurt but it pained me less then giving blood and the after effects of that choice. 
The man who gave it to me was very nice.  He had hoops iside his cartalige like a modern primitive and tattoos is radiant colours tracing his arms and body.  I am not a huge fan of tattoos but I found his rather beautiful.  Heart and dragons lined his body as if to tell some abstract story that I could not understand because his shirt sleves covered his forearms.  I wanted to ask why he got them but I had the feeling my mumk  would get angry.  She wasn't happy that I was doing it to start with and she gets angry when I ask strangers questions about themselves.  Still at times I can't help myself.  I want to understand and without asking I can't. 
I had to stand up and lift my shirt away from my stomach so he could clean my belly button before peircing it.  I couldn't help myself: I giggled at the way it tickled.  He smiled and told me that I was cute, a word I seem to be hearing alot lately.  I don't see how people couldn't laugh at something that tickled.  I suppose that most of the 18 year old girl getting pierced are to concerned with looking cool to take the time to laugh or even smile slightly. But I'm not one of those people.  I want to understand and I want to feel everything that I can again.  I've given up on being worried about growing up and I think I'm going to give up on making other people happy instead of finding my own joy.  I still want people to be happy but I want to as well.  I had a long talk with Trey last night about this sort of thing.  We always talk about this stuff that I don't talk about with other people.  He is normally right about many things but then again so am I.  I understand now that its time to follow my heart.  My logic is holding me back.  Maybe I should give this emotion thing another chance.

Huh, Maybe winter isn't my cold season after all.
1